How to avoid friend zone if you have made mistakes and turned a woman off who you’ve only been dating for a short period of time.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got a little too needy, neurotic and controlling with a woman he just started dating. He has been too focused on a relationship and locking her down to a commitment over the past four months. He’s only about halfway through his first read of my book after recently finding my work. He’s made many mistakes, such as acting jealous, over-pursuing and even letting her treat him like a friend instead of a lover at times.
He’s taken a lot of corrective action according to the book, but he is struggling with learning to balance his old bad habits with what he should do instead. He asks for my opinion on what he can do to keep things together and avoid friend zone. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ve had of a FWB arrangement for about 4 months now with a girl I’m really into, but due to me displaying weak and needy behavior early on in the relationship, it’s been a challenge to gain back the power I’ve lost, and prove to her that I’m a man that can stand up to her, and someone she’s willing to date.
(You shouldn’t be looking at it from the perspective of “I’ve got to prove myself to her.” If you’re in that mindset, then you’ve already presupposed and decided that you’re not good enough. If deep down you don’t think you’re good enough, you’re going to tend to do things to try and compensate, like calling too much, or constantly fishing around about how she feels about you, wondering if there are any other guys in the picture. These are just mindsets and patterns of thinking that are not going to be helpful.
It’s always better to contemplate from the end. If you are the greatest, most awesome potential boyfriend this woman has ever met, you’ll be in an abundance mentality, because you’d be in the attitude of, “Well, even if she doesn’t choose me, there will be several other woman who will see my value.” If you’ve got women competing for your attention and time, you’re not going to be in a rush. You’ll need to spend time with each girl before you make your mind up. Contemplate from the end. How would you be if you had too much choice, too many options? If you think that way, you won’t be in a rush to do anything. You’re going to take your time.
If you’re in the mindset you have to prove yourself to her and hopefully she likes you, you’re going to be in a rush. You’re going to do things way before it’s necessary. When women are around you, they’re going to be able to tell that your head is somewhere else. In other words, you’re thinking about what to say and do next, not in the present moment, focused on what may or may not happen in the future. That’s going to create an awkward, weird vibe. Things aren’t really going to flow.)
Before I discovered your online material and bought your book, I’m about half-way through my first read, I did the typical stuff men who aren’t confident in themselves do, such as over-texting her and having “the talk” way too early in the relationship.
(Well, the talk is something the woman usually brings up. Usually, if you follow what the book teaches, right around week 7 is typically when that’s going to come up. That’s over a month and a half after you start dating someone. Remember, the average woman is typically thinking, “Is this guy good for me? Do I like him enough?” Women take their time, because they fall in love slowly over time.
If you’re thinking about it as a guy and you’re worrying about it, it’s better to slow down and take time to contemplate. The guy’s job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. It’s your job to create the date, to make sure the plans are handled, where you’re going to go, what you’re going to do, and be the master of ceremony.
The relationship stuff is feminine energy. That’s bonding, connecting, and opening up to receive love. Those are not things of a guy who’s purpose-driven, trying to accomplish things, achieve, overcome obstacles, and breaking through barriers.)
I displayed jealousy, even letting her treat me like a male girlfriend at times. About two weeks ago, I began implementing your advice, and have noticed her interest level begin to increase again, as we are having more sex, fewer arguments and she is more flirtatious with me in public.
(Men who understand women don’t argue with them. Typically the arguments come from not spending enough time together. In the back of the guy’s mind, he’s afraid it’s not going to work out, so he tries to bring these things up and talk about them more before it’s really time. It comes from a place of insecurity, a place of fear. Women can pick up on that.)
There are a few issues however that I am struggling with and would like your advice on. One problem I have is that she is my roommate, so I see her every day. This makes it difficult for me to give her distance and allow her to miss me.
(That’s why you should have a full life, full of friends, family, activity, going to the gym, taking care of yourself, and having an active social life, instead of sitting at home waiting for her. As a man you should be focused on your mission and purpose in life, slaying dragons, so to speak. If you see her at home at night, it’s a benefit, and if not, that’s fine too.)
We are very good friends, and have gotten into the habit of eating dinner together every night, and all of her friends are my friends, so we often frequent the same clubs when we go out during the weekend.
(You live together, so she’s not going anywhere. Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. You’ve already seen, if you back off and allow her to come to you a little more, it’s having a positive effect.)
My biggest challenge has been a difficulty in exercising emotional self-control, as when I drink I tend to get emotional,
(You should probably cut back on your drinking, unless you’re okay with rolling the dice and screwing this up unnecessarily),
and have made mean comments to her in the past about her flirting and dancing provocatively with other men.
(You don’t have the right to expect her to act like your girlfriend. If she knows you’re going to lose your shit over it, she might rub on other guys to test you. Every time you lose your shit, you’re one step closer to being in friend zone permanently.)
She will be all over me when we are in private, but as soon as we go for a night out, she shows almost zero interest in me.
(You’re getting upset because her behavior is not matching your expectations. You’re looking at her like she’s your girlfriend, but when you’re in public, she’s going out of her way to show other people the two of you aren’t together.)
This really hurts, but when I’ve brought this up with her, it has never gone over well. She resents me for trying to restrict her freedom, and I come off as appearing weak.
(The reality is, she may not value loyalty, communication, or commitment. You should hang back and see what she does. If she falls in love with you and wants to be exclusive, bringing up the boyfriend-girlfriend talk, and then she continues to do this, that tells you pretty much everything you need to know. Then you should let her know, being exclusive with you isn’t going to work. Don’t have an exclusive, monogamous relationship with someone who has demonstrated or has a history of that behavior. She’s got to earn it.)
I know that the solution is to do the exact same thing that she is doing, i.e. flirt and talk to members of the opposite sex and not pay attention to her. I tend to be fairly shy, and even though I am starting to open up more and have been practicing my skills in this department, I still feel outmatched by her outgoing personality.
(That’s not a resourceful mindset or a good way to perceive or talk about yourself. Think from the end. If you were awesome, if you had an outgoing personality and you were the type of guy that lots of women liked, you wouldn’t feel threatened by the fact that she’s popular with other dudes. You want to give her the space and time to choose you willingly, by demonstrating your superior example by simply being who you really are, being in the present moment and just creating the next opportunity for sex to happen.)
It seems like she is constantly meeting new men, and has plenty of options, but I’ve so far been unable to attract more women into my life.
(You’re fixated on this girl, and you’re treating her like a girlfriend, so it sounds like you kind of already mentally closed yourself off from any other options. It looks like she’s keeping her options open, and therefore, you should be keeping your options open. You should be spending time apart, going out on dates, doing other things besides being totally fixated on her. That’s part of your problem.)
I hope that as I continue to develop my social skills and implement your methods, I can change the balance of the relationship and show her that I’m a confident man that can stand up to her.
(Again, more approval-seeking behavior and mindset. You’re still thinking you’ve got to prove yourself to her.)
Until then, is there any advice you can give me for my specific situation?
(You should be focused on your mission and purpose first and foremost in your life as a man. You should also have friends and other people you hang out with outside of her friend group. You’ve only been seeing her for four months. She’s not somebody you’ve known for years. You’ve got to have a life. You’ve got to have a purpose and other interests.
Women like guys that are mysterious. If you’re sitting home every night waiting for her to come home and waiting to see what she’s going to do every night, when she’s doing the exact opposite, obviously it’s not going to end well. Eat dinner together, get some wine. I mean, you’re living together. You have the perfect opportunity to make it easy to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Just focus on that. Focus on the little things.
The relationship label is not your department dude. That’s the woman’s department, so when you bring that up and focus on it, you’re in essence acting like a woman. You’re moving into your feminine energy, which is going to turn her off and push her away. The fact that you live together can actually be an advantage, but you’ve got to get back to being a well-rounded dude that’s got other things going on in your life besides just her.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Successful people tend to be more relaxed, confident and patient. Unsuccessful people tend to be fearful, worried and impatient. It’s better to take your time to contemplate plans of action, backup plans and potential downside risk before taking action to achieve an outcome. Otherwise, taking impulsive actions based upon avoiding what you fear tends to actually cause what you fear to become a reality.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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