Be Her Fun Sexy Escape From Life. Not Her Emotional Tampon

Why you should be her fun sexy escape from life instead of her boring emotional tampon.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been trying to date a woman fresh out of a breakup. They do the same boring routine when they get together instead of having fun dates that lead to sex. He ends up just being her gay male girlfriend and emotional tampon and gets blue balls as she sleeps with other guys and whines about her ex.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So in this particular email, I’ve answered a few emails from this guy about this girl that he was kind of involved with. So they kind of are like friends with benefits. I guess she’s fresh out of a breakup, and you can tell he doesn’t really go out on dates and doesn’t do anything. He just has her come over and they do the sauna, and then he hopes to hook up with her. You could tell he, more often than not, is just listening to her drone on about her ex. So he’s basically acting like her gay male girlfriend and her emotional tampon, and he ends up with blue balls more often than not. Then she talks about other guys she’s actually sleeping with.

So your job, as a man, in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, have fun, and hook up. He just looks like he’s worked himself into a position where he’s just kind of mostly being a friend and listening to her drone on, because whatever a woman feels when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So if you’re getting together with a girl that went through a bad breakup, you should be saying things to her like, “Well, let’s go out and have a good time. I don’t want to talk about your ex. Nothing you can do about it. Let’s go have some fun tonight. It’s Friday. It’s Saturday night. It’s Tuesday night. I want to have a good time,” and change the subject. You’re the leader. You’re the man. You’re supposed to lead things. You’re supposed to drive the fun bus, not have her come over and listen to her drone on about her ex or guys that she hooked up with on vacation.

Again, if you’re listening to her talk about her ex-boyfriend and all the bad things he did or what a jerk he was, well guess what? She’s feeling those same negative emotions that she felt about her boyfriend when she’s with you. So you’re cock-blocking yourself whether you realize it or not. Almost like you kind of think of it, most guys don’t like to dance because they’re worried that they’re not good at it or they’re going to look like a jackass, but a guy who’s fun loving, even if he’s a shitty dancer and he gets out on a dance floor and has a good time with the ladies, they’ll love dancing with him just because he’s fun and because he’s got the confidence to get out there on the dance floor.

So you got to think of it from that perspective, the old Cyndi Lauper song from the 1980s, Girls Just Want to Have Fun. That’s what you need to focus on. Women want to be in a love story. They want to have a good time. Again, this guy, you can tell as I go through the email, they get together and it just sounds fucking boring. They do the same thing every week. It’s not what the book teaches you to do.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I wanted to follow up on the situation I emailed you about earlier (The part where she went to Sri Lanka), as things evolved further and I’d appreciate your take on whether I handled the second half correctly.

After she came back, she initiated contact as soon as she landed and said she wanted to see me.

So her interest definitely went up. You should have been like, “Let’s get together.”

We did a sauna date (A usual for us)…

So they do the same fucking date. The same thing every time they get together. Again, that’s not very creative. There’s nothing very mysterious about that. It’s just boring, dull and lame. Maybe at the end of the night you could do a sauna, but, “Oh, let’s get together, go to the sauna, then sit in the sauna and listen to her drone on about her problems,” like that’s not hanging out, having fun and hooking up.

…Where we got close again but couldn’t hang out fully (We both had people staying in our respective places that day).

Again, why are you making a date when you don’t have a place by yourself? So make her wait until your relatives, your friends or whoever is staying with you are gone. I mean, that’s just stupid.

You got to think of the logistics of sex. So you basically already cock-blocked yourself by making a date when you had nowhere to go to bump uglies. Again, that’s just shitty planning on your part, being lazy, not doing anything remotely close to what the book teaches. You’re acting like the gay male girlfriend and the emotional tampon, and that’s why you didn’t get laid and why you got blue balls.

Couple of days later, she told me she had slept with another guy there and seemed worried how I was gonna react. I stayed calm and told her that we could discuss if she wants the following Saturday when we would meet at mine. She was relief and started being very affectionate, sending lots of messages…

OK, this is over text. She’s not being affectionate by sending you digital things. Affection is when you’re being touched in person, not digitally. Not listen to her drone on about her problems over the phone either.

…Calling me and planning lots of things for us.

Again, the phone is for setting dates. If she’s calling you after 8:00 at night, just say, “Come over.” Hang out, have fun, and hook up. It’s pretty simple, dude.

That Saturday I didn’t bring the topic, but she told me how safe she was feeling with me and we had a great night. The next day she asked to come over again for dinner and stayed over that night. When we left that morning she was very sweet and affectionate, talking about the future, etc…

From that point, her texting slowly reduced and during the following date she had planned (surprise) she was emotionally distant and we didn’t sleep with each other that night.

Well again, if she’s quiet like that, just say, “You seem a little quiet. What’s going on?” Get her to talk, get her to open up about it. Then when she wants to drone on and upset about this guy, it’s like, “Well, let’s not focus on the ex because there’s nothing that we can do about that, and I want to have a good time tonight. You know what? You need to have a good time tonight! We need to turn that frown upside down. Let’s go do something fun!” Then go take her to go do something fun. Get her laughing, joking, having a good time. She’ll feel attracted. Instead, it just sounds like she came over, you had a boring time together and you were the emotional tampon.

Then the texting dropped completely and she was only sending Spotify songs and Instagram memes.

Yeah, because it sounds like you bored her to death. She wanted to come over and have a fun escape. Instead, you just listened to her drone on.

I let her come to me, did not chase once and eventually a week later she called me to meet up. That next date (A sauna again)…

Bro, read the book and actually apply it.

…She was distant, quite emotional and talking a lot about her ex and her father and how hurt she still felt about all of it. I tried to made her feel heard and understood but the topic wasn’t easy to listen to, especially how hearing about her ex.

Again, what is a date? A fun filled romantic opportunity for sex to happen. It’s right out of the book. Instead, you’re coming over for the same fucking boring date that sounds like you do every time and she comes over to drone on about her problems. So you dried her up. The physical intimacy is stopped because you stopped having fun with her. You stopped courting her. It’s like you act like the gay male girlfriend. “Oh, come over and I’ll listen to you drone on about your problems.” The book says, keep it fun, keep it light.

She didn’t want to have sex that night again…

So that tells me you’re trying to seduce her when she’s not open to it. Which tells me again, you don’t understand the seduction process that’s laid out in the book because you’ve been a piss poor student.

…But stayed over, and ended up crying in my bed about childhood memories, the thing with her father, and the unresolved emotions tied to her past and her ex.

What a fucking drag. God, who’d want to put up with this?

Again, I would have just been like, “Let’s talk about something fun. How about we play some naked Twister? Let’s do something good. Let’s pop a bottle of wine, put some music on. Let’s do some dancing in the living room.” It’s like, have fun. Dude, this is so boring. You’re acting like her therapist.

At that point, I told her calmly that I was confused by the situation and that it seemed like something she might need to sort out on her own. That when we see each other, I wanted to have a good time with her…

Well, it’s up to you to lead it to the good times. You’re the one driving the fun bus. It’s like she gets on your bus and you’re like, “Hey, why don’t you sit and drive?” Then you give her control and she just fucking derails the date and it goes right off the cliff.

…That I was her to support her but also didn’t want to be just an emotional support. I didn’t ask her for commitment, didn’t pressure her, and didn’t argue, I just tried to expressed that the dynamic felt unclear to me.

Again, you’re supposed to be a man and be the leader. The leader on a fun date that ultimately ends with fun sex in the bedroom, but you’re not doing that. You’re not following the book at all.

The next morning, she was very warm and affectionate. Said things like, “Thank you for everything” and “Good luck for next year,” which felt like a soft goodbye.

Yeah, because you bored her right out of your life.

I told her that if she felt better later on and missed me, she knew how to reach me.

Two hours later, she began sending me Instagram reels and Spotify. And this continued daily until now…

Again, the phones are for setting dates. So she’s sending you things, just say, “Come over.”

…(Four days later) but without asking questions, addressing anything, or making plans to see me. I initially reacted lightly once or twice, especially at the beginning with a, “Missing me already?” But then stopped responding or reacting to the content. 

I don’t know if you’ve read the book or not, but it’s like, I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing, but this is not anything remotely close to what the book teaches you to do, dude. You’ve become her gay male girlfriend and her therapist.

At this point, I’ve ignored several content-only messages and waiting to respond only if she reaches out directly with effort (Asking a clear question or want to meet).

My question is: From your principles, is this the correct application of pulling back and letting her interest level reveal itself?

No. I have no idea what you’re talking about or what you’re doing.

Or would you have handled this differently?

I would have made a date. I would have gone out, done something fun and then fucked her brains out later on. Instead, you have her come over and you do a sauna. It’s the same dull, boring routine. Again, you’re not even remotely close to applying anything that’s in the book. You’re like, “Hey, come over and I’ll be your therapist for the night.”

Thanks for everything, your work has helped me stay centered and not chase or over-pursue in this kind of situation, but I still have to learn!

Best,

Bob

Yeah, I mean, you got to read the book, dude. You got to take this seriously because you’re getting rejected for sex. That tells me you’re trying to escalate things when she’s not open to it, and you’re clueless that she’s not open to it. Again, that tells me you don’t know the book because you haven’t spent the time for it and you’re just cherry-picking videos. So you got to take this seriously, and it would help you if you had some other women you were talking to and dating, instead of trying to date some chick that’s still not over her ex, but you’re kind of enabling her behavior because you keep letting her derail things instead of you leading it.

Again, hang out, have fun, and hook up. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. It doesn’t say hang out, let her drone on about her ex, get upset, cry and fall asleep in my arms when she’s crying about her childhood trauma or this or that. Again, you’re acting like a therapist. You’re not acting like a lover. You’re not acting like the guy that’s the fun, sexy escape from her brokenheartedness. What should be happening is she comes over, you get her refocus on having a good time with you, laughing. She gets turned on because you talk about fun and optimistic things, exciting things. You do fun things together. Then after a few hours together, when the signs are there she’s ready to be touched, kissed and seduced, you make your move and you seduce her.

When I read this email, it looks like you’ve never read my book, don’t even know anything about my work, and just showed up. It’s like you got to do better, dude. You got to participate in your own rescue and make a serious effort. Stop doing the same thing over and over again. It’s fucking boring. There’s no mystery, there’s no excitement, and that’s why you dried her up and she doesn’t want to sleep with you because you bored her to death.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.