How to know when you are being needy and approval seeking, versus knowing your worth and standing up for yourself.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend becomes very flirtatious with other men when she drinks. He notices that she is active on her phone but ignores his messages and leaves him hanging on read before eventually replying. This causes him to become fearful and worry about her and what she is doing when he is not around.
He wants to know where the line is between being needy and knowing your worth and standing up for yourself. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve got a really short email from a guy, but he brings up a really good point. This particular guy says his girlfriend becomes very flirtatious with other guys when she drinks and he’s not around. So, you could tell he’s obviously worried about her and what she’s doing, because on top of that he knows she’s active on her phone, but she ignores his messages and leaves them on read. And he’s like, “I think I’m on the way out.” He’s like, where is the line between being needy, and then, in this particular case, where your girl is obviously doing inappropriate things? So in other words, at what point do you know your worth and stand up for yourself?
This is something I see a lot. I mean, human beings in general, we tend to like projects. We want to help other people, we’re goodhearted, we care for others, we want them to do well. And men and women both get involved in relationships, and even friendships, with people that have got a truckload of problems. They figure, “If I could just fix this person — they’re a fixer-upper — we could rehab them and they’d be great.” And so, a lot of times I see guys take my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, and they’re trying to use it to fix a woman or correct her behavior if she’s got no integrity.
But the whole idea behind applying what’s in How To Be A 3% Man is so you can quickly, as quickly as possible, find out what you’re dealing with. Because if you’re trying to date somebody and you’re thinking marriage, or long term commitment, or you want an exclusive monogamous relationship, and yet you’re dating a woman who, when she drinks, she likes to seek attention from other men and that’s just kind of how she operates. And on top of that, when she’s away from you, she’s blowing you off by hanging out and soliciting attention from other guys. If you think you’re going to change her because you’re such a better guy or a better boyfriend, and you’re going to make her so happy that she’d give up that lifestyle, you can for a period of time, but the longer you’re together, everybody gets complacent in the relationship. Everybody stops putting their best foot forward.
And so, your attraction after the infatuation and the honeymoon period has gone by, after about six to twelve months, once that wears off, now you’re faced with the everyday ups and downs and what you both are normally like at that particular point. And so, what happens when the guy stops putting his best foot forward? Well, a woman with integrity is going to seek to make things better and to work on things through communication or what have you. But a woman who has no integrity, who doesn’t have the skills, and doesn’t have the background or the value system to really value loyalty, communication, and commitment — even though she might say she wants to be loyal — she’s going to fall back on her nature.
She’s going to look at the fact that she’s unhappy or her attraction has dropped and these other guys, especially if she’s a girl that grew up without a father or she had a bad relationship with her father and she’s got daddy issues. She didn’t get enough hugs as a little girl, therefore, as an adult, without realizing it, she’s constantly seeking attention and validation from other guys if she’s not getting it from her boyfriend. Women who have integrity and come from good families typically don’t operate this way, especially when they have a good relationship.
And another thing I see is guys saying, “Well, she’s got a good relationship with her father,” and then when I dig a little deeper in my phone sessions with them, come to find out the dad’s cheated on the mom, the mom’s cheated on the dad, or they’ve been married a couple of times. But because she’s got a tight relationship with her father, who happens to be a liar and a cheater, they think, “Hey, well, she’s a good person.” Well, obviously she’s learning the behavior from her parents, and if she really admires her father and her father is a liar and a cheater, well, you shouldn’t be surprised that she turns out to be a liar and a cheater.
So it’s one of the ways I see the guys BS themselves when they’re in a relationship, because they go, “Oh, well, Corey says if she’s got a good relationship with her dad, then everything’s great.” But then when you really look into the family, there’s no integrity there. I mean, the idea is a good relationship with her father and her mother and her parents have a good, healthy relationship where they communicate, they work things out. They don’t have issues. It’s a good, normal, healthy family, the way it’s supposed to be — a balanced family.
And oftentimes I’ll see guys trying to, because it’s tough to admit that, especially if you’ve been together for six months, a year, or a couple of years, and you come to a conclusion. Especially as you get into my work, because people don’t come to me when things are going well. They come to me when things are going sideways and they’re trying to figure out this woman’s behavior. And then they just say, “Oh, hey, she’s tight with her dad,” and then they ignore all the other red flags and the behavior, the lying and everything, the fact that she’s cheated on everybody else that she was ever with before him.
Remember, we make our decisions based on emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify that. And so, if a guy is emotionally invested in a woman, he’s going to tend to lie to himself about what’s really going on and see reality as better than it is — not worse than it is or as it is, but better than it is. When you see reality as better than it is, you create a blind spot for yourself. And then what happens is you’re projecting your fantasy of what you want or what you hope this person is onto them, and you’re ignoring all the red flags of the fact that their words and their actions are not living up to your fantasy.
And it’s after enough pain that typically these things happen over and over. They catch their girl texting another guy, or talking to another guy, or there was an affair and they’re like, “Alright, I’ll give her another chance.” And then six months, a year or two later, things go sideways again. It’s the same thing. Now she’s talking to a new guy, and they’re surprised and are wanting to know what they can do to correct the behavior. In those cases, you really can’t do much, because she belongs to the streets.
It’s not your job to fix or to save somebody. You want to find out as quickly as possible whether or not she has the qualities or the prerequisites, if you will, that are necessary to have the kind of relationship that you want to have.
Where do you draw the line between being needy and knowing your worth? At what point are you being needy?
So, being needy is basically needing somebody else. It could be friends, it could be your significant other. In other words, needing other people to like you or validate you. In other words, you feel good about yourself if this other person calls you and says that they care, or they text you back in a timely manner, or they want to spend time with you, or they tell you that they love you, or they want to date you or whatever happens to be.
And guys that are needy, they can’t stand the silence in between seeing or talking to the woman they’re involved with or trying to become involved with. And so, when they reach out, they’re not reaching out because they want to get together so much as they’re reaching out to try to find out where they stand with the person that they’re dating. And that’s where the neediness comes in.
And what happens is that happens over and over, and then if the woman doesn’t match what the guy’s expecting, then he gets upset with her. Maybe she doesn’t text him back in a timely manner or call him back in a timely manner, and then the guy gets upset. So, in other words, because of her behavior, he becomes unglued.
The idea is a man who is centered, who has his shit together, if you will, people are going to do what they’re going to do. And guys who have their shit together understand that when they’re dating women, they’re going to put their best foot forward as a man. But because they don’t know her and she’s still new, they don’t know what her real level of integrity is yet, and so, nothing is going to surprise him. One way or another, he’s very matter of fact about it.
And if he finds out that she has no integrity, he’s just going to happily move on. He’s not going to get all emotionally wrapped up and try to change her or to fix her. He’s just looking to identify, “Is this woman worth my time or not?” Kind of like most women have towards the guys that they go out with. “Is he good for me? Is he a good match for me, or do we get along? Do I like him?” That’s the kind of approach that you want to have.
Too many guys just get carried away in their emotions, and the looks, and the hot sex, and they ignore everything else. And then when they find out that they got into a relationship, or worse, a marriage with a woman who belongs to the streets, then they think they’re going to fix her or save her or change her. In reality, you just have to accept who she really is. So, you’re going to put your best foot forward and then take a step back and see what she does with that. Because that’s the only thing you have control over is your own actions. And so, you’re trying to discover as quickly as possible, does she have integrity or not? Is she worth my time or not?
I can tell my girlfriend is active and ignores my messages. I lost trust in her when I saw how she gets when she drinks. She drinks and will start acting all flirtatious with other guys.
So, that’s not that’s not your fault, that’s not your problem. That’s the way she is. She was like this before you guys ever met, and she’s always going to be this way. And so, you can either choose to have an open relationship with somebody like this or treat her as a friends with benefits, but you don’t get into an exclusive monogamous relationship with somebody that is like this.
It’s really stressful.
Well, you’re getting upset at her behavior, which you really have no control over. You have to look at the fact that, do you really want to be in a relationship and continue sleeping with somebody and potentially have kids with somebody who this is how they behave when their interest is low, or they’re not around you very much, or maybe you’ve done something to upset them?
Or maybe you were busy. Maybe you were traveling for work for a couple of weeks, and you really didn’t pay much attention to her. And you made her feel like you didn’t care about her anymore, because you just got caught up in work, you got caught up in life, or whatever happens to be. And to repay you, she goes and starts talking to and flirting with other guys.
The important thing about your situation is to accept her behavior as it is. So, what’s happening here is you’re not accepting the reality. The reality is your girl, based on her actions, these kinds of actions are the type of a woman that belongs to the streets, not the kind of woman that you marry or have as an exclusive monogamous relationship, because you can’t trust somebody that behaves this way.
If she’s in a relationship with you, it’s not loving for her to go out and flirt with other guys. It’s just not. And so, that’s a disqualifying action on her part, so there’s no reason to really get upset. There’s no reason to check her phone, or to blow her phone up, or get upset that she’s leaving you on read and not getting back to you in a timely manner. What your job is is to look at that and go, “Okay. Well, she’s really not trustworthy. Do I want to continue dating her? Do I want an open relationship? Do I want friends with benefits?” Or, if your outcome really is an exclusive monogamous relationship, it’s not going to be with her.
And that’s the hard part to admit when your emotions are involved, because you’re like, “No, I can work with this. I can fix this. I’ve got that book from that shaved head dude on YouTube. It’ll totally fix it.” You can’t polish a turd. It is what it is. All you can do is accept reality. Because when you don’t accept reality as it is, in other words, not accepting that your girl belongs to the streets and she doesn’t value loyalty, communication and commitment, you’re going to suffer, because now you want reality to be different than it is.
The only thing you can do is accept that this is the way she is, this is who she is. She was like this before she met you, and if you decide to go your separate ways, she’s going to continue to be like this and she’ll be the next guy’s problem. You have to focus on your outcome. And if your outcome is somebody that’s going to be loyal and faithful to you, it’s not going to be her.
So, the only thing you can do is just notice the fact that she’s leaving you on read, and you know that she’s out, and she has access to her phone and she’s doing it on purpose. She’s either doing it on purpose to mess with you because you’ve displayed weakness and neediness, (or both), or she’s doing it because her interest is low. And she’s either got low interest or she’s trying to mess with you to see how you react. Either way, you’ll be indifferent to it, and take note of it, and take actions based upon her actions, not what she says or what you want. You make your decisions based upon her actions. And based on this, he says…
I think I am on my way out.
I’d say it was never going to work anyway, because this is the way she is when things aren’t going well. She likes to flirt with other guys. That’s not a woman that you can fix things with. Just imagine if you have three or four kids with somebody like this and she’s behaving this way. You can’t fix that. After all that time together and the kids and everything, she’s still out flirting with other dudes. You can’t fix that. And it’s hard to accept for a lot of guys, and girls for that matter, because women do it too, but it is what it is. So, unfortunately, she belongs to the streets!
So, you have to decide. Your decision is, do you want an open relationship, do you want a friends with benefits, fuck buddies, sex playmate? What what do you want? And if you’re not interested in those and you want something monogamous, it’s like, she’s just not a candidate for that. She’s not capable of that. And it’s not your fault. You just have to accept that reality and act appropriately.
Now, you can set boundaries, obviously, and say “this is not appropriate,” but more than likely, a woman like this, you’ll set boundaries and she’ll probably just continually violate them, because she can’t help herself, because she has no integrity. And again, that’s not your fault.
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“When it comes to dating and worrying about whether or not your significant other is being faithful and trustworthy when you are not around, the only thing you have control over is your own actions and how you are showing up. You can be the best boyfriend or husband, but if you are in a relationship with someone who does not value loyalty, communication, commitment and trust, they most likely will solicit, encourage and entertain attention from other men when things are not going well or their attraction has dropped. Good women will seek to make the relationship better and work harder to connect. Women who belong to the streets will seek attention and validation outside of the relationship when they are bored, unhappy or have lost interest, instead of doing what’s required to make their relationship better. That is why you date before agreeing to a commitment. So you can know what the person is really like after they feel comfortable, have spent a lot of time with you and they let their guard down. It’s not your job to fix or save anyone, but to determine if they are a good quality romantic prospect who will honor their commitments to you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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