Why being scarce in a woman’s life frustrates her but makes her want you more despite any complaints.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about 5 years. He’s 21 and dating a 28-year-old woman for the past year. However, over the past month she is less excited to see him and be intimate with him. So he backed off and matched and mirrored her lack of effort and spent less time with her. Then she complained about the lack of communication and effort from him.
He misinterpreted that to mean that he should start pursuing and reaching out more. So he did, and her level of effort and enthusiasm remained unchanged. Now he doesn’t know what to do. I explain how to find the sweet spot to get her frustrated but excited to see him and to grow her feelings and desire for him.My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This guy, he says he’s been following me for about 5 or 6 years, and he says he’s listening to 3% Man at least 15 times or more, and he believes he has a good grip on the material in general, but he’s got a situation with his girlfriend that he’s been dating for almost a year.
He’s 21, so he’s a young guy and the woman is much older than him. She’s 28. Sure, there’s a lot of guys in the comments. They’ll have an opinion about that, but his problem is, things have been going really well up until last month or so. He noticed that she doesn’t call as much, she doesn’t text as much, she’s not as interested in sex and she just doesn’t have the same level of enthusiasm that she once did. What he did was he started matching and mirroring her lack of effort and interest and enthusiasm.
What’s interesting is that she noticed it. Then when they got together the next time, she complained that they were kind of drifting apart or they weren’t in contact very often. What he made the mistake of doing was misinterpreting what he she said to mean that he needs to start pursuing her more because he was of the mind, “Am I being too much of a cold fish? Am I pursuing too much?” So he takes advice from his girlfriend on which she says she wants. He does it, he starts calling and texting more and nothing changes.
What he misinterpreted, and you’ll see as I go through the email was all she was really trying to say was that she noticed. She noticed he hasn’t been as attentive, hasn’t expressed as much enthusiasm, and so what she did was complain about it. He discussed it. The idea is that you it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You get 100 women in a room and you ask them that. “Oh no, it’s got to be 50/50. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You should talk to us women about that.”
So here’s a case in point: Here’s a guy that did exactly what his girlfriend told him that she needed. He does it, and it has no effect on her feelings towards him. She noticed she could feel that, but where he made the mistake of pursuing her when he should have just kept doing what he was doing, because the idea is you want you’re supposed to go slightly slower than she is. Somewhere along the lines over the last couple of months, he has communicated and done things. Obviously, that communicates that he’s more into her than she is in to him. So he backed off for a little bit. She said she didn’t like it. Then he went back to pursuing more like she said she wanted, and it had no effect on her interest. She still was just blasé towards him.
What he should have done is he should have resisted the urge to call and text more and just said, “Well, if you missed me, if you’re disappointed, we haven’t been talking as much. Is something wrong with your phone? Why didn’t you pick it up and text me? Why didn’t you call me if you missed me?” Instead of getting upset and, in essence, giving me the silent treatment and being mad at me and not communicating, it’s like, “If you miss me, why don’t you pick up the phone and call me? I don’t understand that. Why would you do that?”
Remember I discussed this in the book, whoever’s asking the questions is the one that’s running the relationship. Lately, I’ve seen a lot of emails from guys, especially when they start communicating with their girl, especially if she communicates something he’s uncomfortable with or doesn’t know how to handle. The guys will quickly change the subject and just brush it under the rug and pretend everything’s fine, but they don’t. They don’t get to the root of the issue. The woman doesn’t feel heard and understood, and in this case, we’re bottom lining.
We should be bottom lining her actions and looking at the fact that she’s not making the effort, she’s not calling, she’s not texting. She noticed that he backed off, but it didn’t influence her behavior because he just he’s 21. He hasn’t been through this enough times to understand how to handle it properly, and his girl may be a little structured and she may be being a little difficult as well.
Big fan of your work – been following for 5-6 years and have read/listened the book well over 15 times. I feel like I have a good grip on the material in general but I am currently in a position that I am finding hard to navigate.
I am 21 and have been dating a 28-year-old girl for almost a year. Things have been great overall but lately I feel like she has been less excited to see me, less keen for sex and less communicative.
The bottom line is, she’s putting in less effort, she’s got less enthusiasm, and all that means is that they’ve just spent a lot of time together and she’s starting to take him for granted.
Typically when you notice that, you match and mirror the behavior because you’re looking for change behavior, you’re looking for enthusiasm. So he misinterprets her complaints as that that’s going to fix the enthusiasm. He does what she says she wanted, and it has no change on her, which you’ll see.
As you suggest I reciprocated her interest level and showed less intent from my side. Without saying much, I also spent a bit more time apart to give her the space to miss me, but when I saw her honestly she just seemed to be a little moody.
So whether you realize it or not, you’re getting the desired response. She’s moody, and if she’s moody and cranky and we’re assuming it’s just not because it’s that time of the month, but he obviously asks her, “Hey, what’s going on?”
The reason that she’s moody is she noticed and remember moodiness, angriness, irritation, what is always behind that fear? Fear of loss, fear that he doesn’t care, that kind of thing. So his backing off elicited the feelings that he wanted, but instead of continuing on with the same path and telling her that she needs to reach out more instead of just not saying anything, he interprets it as, “Oh, I have to do more,” which is the illusion of action.
When I asked her to communicate with me how she was really feeling, she eventually said she felt like I wasn’t reaching out enough and she was sad that our communication throughout the day had slowed down. She said she was, “Wondering if has to accept this level of communication as the new normal for us.”
Well, what that shows you is that she didn’t do anything, but she noticed you backing off. She noticed your inaction and that’s why you do it. What you should have said to her was, “Well, if you’re not happy with the level of communication, why don’t you call me more? Why don’t you text me more? Why is it all on me to make all of the effort? I’ve noticed lately that you don’t call as much, you don’t text as much. Even when we get together, you don’t seem as excited to be together, and I want to spend my time with you and you’re excited to see me. When you act like you got better things to be doing, or you’re not really that excited to be there, that doesn’t make me want to jump through my butt and spend more time with you. That just makes me think, ‘Oh, maybe I should go see my mom, see my family.'”
Maybe she’s got things going on she needs to take care of, and leave it at that. What she’s basically doing is she’s noticing that you’re not communicating as much and she complains to you, when in reality she’s the one not reaching out.
Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. Remember, she said she was wondering if she has to accept this level of communication as the new normal. In other words, she is projecting the fact that she knows she’s not communicating as much, and she throws it in your lap as if it’s all your fault. At the end of the day, you’re supposed to be the leader in the relationship. So women are naturally going to blame us for everything because we’re supposed to be the leaders and the buck stops with the leader.
That’s just the way it is, guys bitch about that and complain about that. That’s why they have problems and that’s why they’re incels typically. They get no action with women. That’s why they’re so angry and pissed off at him, because women don’t like him, they don’t feel comfortable around him and they don’t respect him, which is an absolute epidemic in the red pill community.
Instead of reaching out to me more like I was thinking she would, she seemed to back off when I did.
Well, she noticed that you would backed off and she still did nothing because the idea is you want her to get frustrated that things aren’t moving along as quickly. What’s happening is she is getting frustrated, but you made the mistake of assuming that meant to pursue more, because notice what happens here.
Honestly I am confused, because since then I increased the amount I am reaching out to her and it doesn’t seem that it has helped her attraction level.
Exactly. All she was doing was complaining that she noticed that you hadn’t put in as much effort in, and she was projecting and blaming you for her lack of effort and interest. When in reality, as you should, recognize that you’re going faster than she is. Therefore, you need to slow down to the point where she’s going faster than you are.
That’s what gets her frustrated. That’s what gets a woman to make the extra effort, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. What you did was to make your feelings more clear and you didn’t get rewarded for it. You gave her more of an already too abundant resource in her life, which is you. Therefore, she continues to take you for granted.
She still doesn’t seem too excited to see me or call me as much as she used to. I am finding it hard to figure out if I should be reaching out more or continuing to back off and let her come to me.
Well, at this point in the relationship, if you’ve been dating for almost a year, she should be doing 95%, maybe even 99% or 100% of the pursuing. If you’re doing more than 20% to 30% of it, it’s too much. He didn’t allude to how much she’s reaching out, but the bottom line is he’s giving her too much time, too much attention. They’re obviously spending time, too much time together. He’s communicating to her that he likes her way more than she likes him. When a woman senses that, she always backs off. That’s just the way it is.
What’s happening is you’re communicating that she has all the power, and women don’t want the power in a relationship, even though most of them are going to be 50/50. They don’t want power. They want to be unsure. They want to seek your attention. They like you more if they have to chase you. Most women will say, “I disagree with that, Corey. That’s not true.”
I mean, here’s another case where this guy did exactly what she said she was missing and what happened. It had no effect on her feelings. That’s the important thing. It had an effect on her feelings when he backed off. Instead of letting her be present with that feeling and encouraging her to reach out to him instead of just holding back, it’s like, “Well babe, if you missed me, why didn’t you text me? Why didn’t you call me? Why are you holding back on purpose? You’re complaining that we don’t talk as much. Yet here you are, holding back on purpose and not reaching out to me. When you miss me, I don’t. Why would you do that?” Remember, whoever’s asking the questions is the one running the conversation.
I’m not sure if it’s an insecurity of hers but it seems like when I back off, no matter how high her interest level she is she won’t let herself be enamored in her emotions and chase after me.
Well, that’s your rationalization. If you look at her actions, which are the only thing that matter, it shows that she’s not feeling the same way. You even gave her more of what she said she wanted and it had no effect.
It seems like when I back off she doesn’t want to be the one displaying all the interest and does the same.
I’m a bit stuck on what to do and would really love your advice.
I appreciate your work.
Like I said, the the appropriate response is to back off and when she complains, encourage her to reach out more and call her out on the fact that she’s holding back and complaining about, “Well, if you don’t think we’re talking enough, why are you not reaching out to me and communicating this? I’m not a mind reader. How am I supposed to know this?”
“I mean, the last time I checked, I didn’t see any smoke signals coming from your your backyard. How am I supposed to know if you want to see me more, why don’t you call me or text me more? Why is it all on me to make the effort? How about you make more of an effort? Because I have noticed that when we are together, you don’t have the same enthusiasm. You don’t make the same effort, you don’t call as much and you don’t text as much. The enthusiasm is just not there.”
“So if I hang out with you and I make plans for a nice date, and you act like you’re doing me a favor to be there, or you act like your mind is preoccupied and you’d rather be somewhere else, well, maybe you need some time to yourself. Maybe you need to go hang out with some of your friends, or hang out with your family or whatever, and then call me when you miss me terribly. It takes two to tango. If you don’t like the distance between us, you should do something about that. I don’t have a problem with things the way they are, but you say you have a problem with it. So why don’t you do something to fix something you’re not happy with?” Those are the kinds of conversations you should be having with her.
Follow the book, dude. Don’t be taking advice because you did what you said she wanted and it had the opposite effect. Scarcity creates value. You are too abundant. You’re seeking her attention and validation way too much. The power is flipped in your relationship. That’s what happened here. On top of that, you’re second guessing yourself and going against the book‘s principles. When you go against the book’s principles, you should not be surprised that it had no effect on her interests. It just kept it flat-lined. In other words, she doesn’t fear losing you because women have to be unsure of where they stand with you, and that’s what causes them to reach out.
Now, in this case, it looks like she’s purposely holding back, but he only did it for like one week, so he really didn’t give it the time. Plus, he didn’t handle it properly when she brought it up. So this is part of being able to communicate effectively, and especially in this case where she’s trying to point the finger and blame you for something that she’s actually guilty of doing.
You got to call her out on it and you got to point that out to her. It’s like, “Well, why don’t you feel comfortable enough to call me or text me? We’ve been together for a year. If you’re missing me and you don’t feel like we talk enough or communicate enough or see each other enough, why don’t you text that to me? Why don’t you call me? Why don’t you say I miss you? I want to see you. That’s what normal girls do. What’s going on? Why are you holding back?” Ask her those kinds of questions.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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