Being Spineless & Settling

What you should do if you realize you have been a spineless man, settled for a life that is less than what you are capable of living, and find yourself stuck in a loveless, sexless relationship or marriage you know you need to end.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose father died when he was only three. His domineering mother raised him. He always sought her approval when he was a little boy and once he became an adult, right up until she passed away. He’s now in his late thirties and has been married for over twelve years.

He has not had sex with his wife in over five years! He has told her he wants to divorce her, but they have a lot of debt together. He says he wants to man up and get his life in order so he can start living to make himself happy, instead of settling for a life of mediocrity and misery. He asks me what he should do and where he should begin, so he can finally turn things around and start living the life he has always dreamed of.

Hi Corey,

The short and skinny: I have been married for over twelve years, I’m in my late 30’s, and I have one child with my wife. I come from a household where my siblings and I were raised by a single mom. Our dad died when I was about three years old. Mom was domineering, and I definitely sought her approval as a child, and eventually an adult, until she died. Fast-forward to now, I have married a woman like my mom. My wife comes from a home where her mom was the dominant parent, and dad was not present too much. (More reinforcement for the saying, guys marry women who are like their mother, and women marry men who are like their father.) Today, I have a hen-pecked marriage. Something was telling me not to marry this woman, but I was afraid to call the wedding off. Knowing what I know now, I should never have married her.

In any case, I have always had problems getting along with women, even women that I wasn’t romantically interested in. Could it be due to being raised by a woman with very little male influence? (Yes. Who’s going to teach you how to be a man when your father is not in your life?) I have been labeled “nice” many times, (Guys who get raised by domineering women grow up to become the ‘nice guy’), and friend zoned A LOT growing up. Now I know what that shit really meant.

Back to my marriage, it is pretty much a roommate situation. Although we sleep in the same bed, we have not had sex in over five years. (Come on man! Get the fuck out.) Part of that reason is due to my regrets of marrying her, and I have cheated in the past on her in our marriage. I think she has found some comfort in having a spineless husband and probably messes around on me, but at this point, I don’t really care, because I want to move on. (Take some action and do it dude. Every day you spend wasting your life with her, you keep yourself from the kind of person you really deserve to be with, and you set a shitty example for your kids.)

I anxiously want to correct this and divorce her, but we have accumulated a lot of debt together. I want to end this marriage, get on with our lives, and do the best by our daughter, but I am so confused right now. It’s like I am in a daily depression cloud. When it is time to go home from work or school, a dark cloud comes over me. (That is life’s way of telling you that what you’re doing is not working, and you need to make a change. Talk to a bankruptcy attorney so you can get back on your feet.)

I am reading your book for the second time now, but stopping to watch the videos you mention before proceeding to the next section. (Good job. Repetition is the mother of skill.) I am watching your videos for some encouragement. I have told my wife several times that I want a divorce. However, I keep thinking back to our debt together and our daughter. (Your daughter deserves to see you happy, doing something you love for a living, and being happy and in love with a woman who loves you back. Right now, you’re teaching her how to be dysfunctional in life. That doesn’t serve as a good example.) I don’t want to be one of those “should have” men when I am on my death bed. I want to end this marriage, work on myself A LOT, get my self-esteem and self-confidence back, and snatch my balls back from my wife. I want to have that relationship where my significant other and I love, respect and support each other, and not feel like it is forced. It’s time for me to MAN the fuck up! Yeah, I know I’m gonna receive a “C’mon maaan,” and I am waiting for it. (Come on man! Make it fucking happen right now. Don’t be a debt slave. It’s not necessary.)

Where do I begin? Looking forward to your honest, blunt, cuss-filled response. Kick me in the ass as hard as you can with the truth, sir. I so badly need it! (Contact a divorce attorney and a bankruptcy attorney, and get that shit handled. That’s your starting point. Take action!)

~ Looking For My Ballz, (Bob)

“The world needs and deserves your best contribution, gifts, skills and talents. By focusing on becoming awesome at doing something for a living that you love, enjoy and believe in, you will maximize the value that you add to the world. By becoming awesome, you will inspire others to follow in your footsteps and become awesome themselves. This is what leadership is all about. The word “lead” means to go first. Whether we like it or not, or accept it or not, all of us are collectively co-creating the world we live in and share together. You can either choose to suck at something you hate for a living and deny the rest of us your best gifts, or you can work at becoming great at something you love and make the world a better place. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne