Being The Fun Romantic Guy She Can Escape From Her Problems With

The importance of being the fun romantic guy she can escape from her problems with.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 17 times so far. He’s working on fine tuning the balance between pursuing too much and not enough. After their second date, he didn’t hear from her, so he called to set up the next date. Before the date she called crying about a sick family member and was unsure if she’d be good company. He got some ice cream and went to her place for a movie and indoor Olympics.

He asks if he did the right thing. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who’s read 3% Man 17 times so far. He’s obviously trying to be a really good student, and what he said he’s really been working on a lot is trying to fine-tune between pursuing too much, over-pursuing, not pursuing enough and being too much of a cold fish.

So he had a girl he went out on two dates with, and she had started reaching out after the first date. I guess she made him dinner. Things went pretty well, but she didn’t reach out over the next week. As the book says, if you don’t hear from her, you just go back to the once-a-week rule, because as a man, you’re just going to initiate contact and try to plan one date per week. Most women typically are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date, and then after that is usually when they start reaching out. In this case, she reached out after the second or the first date, but she didn’t reach out after the second date.

So he did what he’s supposed to do, which is he just reached out the next week. He made a date and then a couple of days or a day or so before they were supposed to have their next date, she left him a voice message. She’s crying, and basically I guess she found out her uncle’s got stage 4 cancer. So she’s pretty distraught about all that, and she was basically alluding or intimating that she probably might not be able to make their date and she wouldn’t be much company for anybody anyways.

So he, being the 3% Man-in-training that he was, again if you’re the appointment setter, you got to understand your job is to hang out, have fun and hook up. So she’s going through a tough time and she’s basically saying, “Hey, you probably wouldn’t want to hang out with me. I’m not going to be good company anyways.” I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but he does something that I thought was really great. They end up hanging out, having fun and hooking up, and it’s just a good way as a man to stay focused, do what you’re supposed to do and create the situation where basically this woman’s got a bad thing going on in her life. It’s really traumatic for her and he’s the escape. He said they really didn’t even talk about what was going on with their uncle because they just had fun together. They hooked up that night, they had morning sex and he was a good escape. So then he writes in just saying, “Hey, critique what I did. What do you think?”

It’s a good email because life is messy and things like this are going to happen, and you never want to get battered or upset over this, especially if a girl is leaving you a crying message where she’s upset over a family member, then it’s probably pretty genuine. I don’t believe it would be crocodile tears in this case.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve read 3% Man 17 times and am fine-tuning the balance between pursuing too much or too little. I wanted to share a recent situation for some clarity. I’ve been dating a girl I met from mutual friends, and things started great. We made out at a party and I later asked her on a date. I followed the once-a-week rule, planned everything, let her do 80% of the talking and kept my masculine frame. She reached out after our first date and even made a date after the second one.

So that’s a good sign. It looks as though she’s starting to pursue.

Remember, women are like cats. I talk about this in the book. So under normal circumstances you think, “Oh wow, now she’s reaching out. She’s starting to pursue me. I don’t have to do any more pursuing.” Well, then the very next week, after the next date, she doesn’t reach out, the average guy will be like, “What happened? She’s not chasing me anymore. What do I do?“

On that third date, she cooked for me and put in a lot of effort. She even sent me a Google form for me to fill out to help her decide what to cook. Everything was awesome and I started seeing her as a potential girlfriend.

Well, that was really nice and sweet of her.

However, she didn’t reach out after that date. I waited a week and called to set up another date. On the call, I asked about her week and she told me she was really stressed about work. I kept it light, suggested we talked on our date and scheduled it for Wednesday. I sensed some frustration on her though, maybe the call was too short. 

Women can be kind of moody. Their attitude can change from one moment to the next.

Yesterday she sent me an emotional voice message at night, saying she felt overwhelmed after receiving terrible family news and she wasn’t sure she’d be in the right headspace for our date or to connect with anyone.

So she’s kind of having an emotional pity party for herself, and she’s like, “Yeah, I probably wouldn’t be much fun to hang out with.” Women tend to speak in hyperbole. They tend to blow things out of proportion. So she’s going through something that’s obviously very traumatic for her. She’s probably close to her uncle. So she reaches out and is like, “Yeah, it’s the end of the world,” and you’ll see how he kind of takes that and shrinks it down to, “Hey, let’s just get together and have fun.”

She was crying in the audio, so I asked if she wanted to talk. She called me and initially seemed OK, but broke in tears explaining that her uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

Because oftentimes what guys experience is they get, “Oh, family member’s sick,” or “My parakeet had a heart attack,” or some off the wall, “Oh, my friend just broke up with her boyfriend and I need to be there for her.” You’ll hear that shit a lot, but in this case, it’s pretty clear. I mean, she’s in the middle of a call and starts breaking down when she’s telling him about her uncle. So we have to assume that that’s she’s being truthful, honest and vulnerable.

I actively listened and then suggested we meet at her place and watch a movie so she could relax (HHH).

Again, he’s trying to be an escape. She’s going through a tough time, and what better to brighten her day than a couple of orgasms from him? Obviously he didn’t tell her that, but she felt bad. She felt lonely and he’s like, “Hey, I’ll come on over and let’s watch a movie.” So he’s being present for her.

She agreed so I bought some ice cream and went to her place. I avoided talking about her family situation…

Remember, whatever you make, and this is like when you go out on a date, when you’re first starting to get to know a girl, if she’s had a bad breakup, “Well, tell me about your ex-boyfriend. Tell me about the fact your husband was cheating on you and left you for his hot secretary.” Whatever a woman feels, whatever you make her feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you.

So in this case again, he read the book 17 times. He’s being a good student. He doesn’t want to be too much of a cold fish. Obviously he could tell her hurting on the phone call was genuine. So he’s like, “Let me go over there and see if I can brighten her day and maybe give her the meat missile. Keep her mind off of things,” because probably everybody in the family is like, “Oh, I heard about your uncle. Oh, I’m so sorry.” Instead, he goes over there and he’s an escape. She has fun. They don’t talk about the problems. They hang out, they have fun, they hook up, as he says.

…Instead focusing on making her feel good and keeping it positive.

Good job, dude.

When I suggested we could end the evening she started to kiss me more passionately so we ended up hooking up and spending the night together. I was able to get her to focus on different things and just talk about life. We had sex again in the early morning and I left for work.

I didn’t want to ignore her pain but I also didn’t want to look needy, listening to her crying on the phone.

Yeah, it’s much better to not be an emotional tampon on the phone and just say, “Hey, why don’t I come over and watch a movie and I’ll grab some ice cream and then you can tell me all about it?”

Getting together allowed me to get her in a better mood. Was this the right thing to do?

Yep! Absolutely! You were thinking on your feet. Hang out, have fun, hook up is the formula. That’s your job. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Rinse, recycle, repeat. That’s what he did.

So she calls him to tell him that she’s distraught. So the fact that she’s reaching out to tell him, basically it looks like he’s kind of high on her priority list. In other words, he’ll know what to do. Daddy will make it better. She reaches out. Daddy makes it better. So you did a good job, man.

I’m asking because she seemed to want to cancel our date and almost break things off initially in the audio.

Well remember, women speak in hyperbole. The fact that you could tell she was emotional on the audio, and she was basically, “Hey, I don’t think I’ll be good company for anybody.” In other words, “Oh, you probably wouldn’t want to hang out with me. I’m a drag to be around. I’m really upset. I’m really emotional. I’m no fun,” and he’s like, “Babe, I got some ice cream, a movie, some good laughs, fun and the hot beef injection.”

I interpreted she was speaking in hyperbole (Tends to be insecure and exaggerate).

This is the way women are because again, she’s hurting, she’s emotional. So he’s like, “Not a big deal. We’ll shrink that down.” We’ll get her focused on hanging out, having fun while we’re hanging out, then obviously he gave her the meat missile. He gave her the flesh rocket. The one-eyed wonder worm.

My idea now is to let her come to me at her pace. Would you have done anything differently?

No. Good job, man.

What would you do from now on?

Thanks for your work. It’s truly changed my life.

Bob

Well you just stick to the book. I mean, you’re following it. Obviously, you know everything. This is the way life is. It’s kind of messy. It sounds like she’s trying to cancel a date and in reality, she’s just emotional and all over the place. It wasn’t a girl fainting, because oftentimes women, when they don’t want to see a guy, will make up something that sounds legit, but it’s really bullshit in this case. When he says, “Hey, do you want to talk?” She called him and she broke down on the phone, so he could tell she was being genuine.

So he hung out, he had fun and he hooked up. The same rules apply, you know, give it a week. If she doesn’t reach out to you over the next seven days, which she may not because she’s maybe distraught or whatever, because stage four, that’s pretty serious, usually means that person doesn’t have a lot of time left, so maybe she reaches out in a couple of days, maybe she doesn’t. If she does, reach out, make the next date, get off the phone. Don’t talk on the phone. That’s what he did right here.

Most guys would think, “Oh, she’s going through a tough time. Let me be there for her and just listen to her on the phone,” and he thought, “You know what? I’m going to raise her interest in person. So let me go over and hang out, bring some ice cream, let her talk and when the opportunity is ripe, then we’ll hook up,” and that’s what he did. He changed her state. He turned her frown upside down. Got her in the Bugs Bunny in the bedroom. Do you guys know what Bugs Bunny is? That’s where the feet are behind. She looks like Bugs Bunny. So I think he did great.

If you don’t hear from her, obviously call her the next week. Make the next date. If you do make the next date, nothing should change. You keep moving forward. So you did awesome, dude. Great job on being adaptable. Adapt, improvise, overcome, compensate.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.