Why you should never be unfaithful or encourage infidelity in others.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy in Sweden. Recently, on a night out at a bar with a friend, he approached a group of girls and invited them to join him and his friend. A few minutes later, they came over to join them. When the bar closed, he invited the girls over to his place. They came over and one of them was showing high interest in him. Then her girlfriend called, and after that she became distant.
He then tried contacting her through social media, but she ignored him. He asks my opinion on where he went wrong and why he got rejected. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
So over the last month or two, I’ve gotten quite a few phone sessions from guys that have gotten involved with either married women or women that are taken or involved with other guys and they’re cheating on their husband or boyfriend. And these guys are encouraging it, thinking they’re going to be Mr. White Knight, come in and save the day and rescue these women from their bad choices or their unhappy relationship or their unhappy life. And they think just because they’re a good person, that a low integrity person who they’re trying to date and have a relationship with will become a high integrity person if they’re able to successfully rip off the other guy’s girl.
I talk a lot about about your inner circle and who you have in your inner circle. And when you behave this way, just because you really like somebody, you’re encouraging somebody that has a lack of integrity to come and be a part of your life and your inner circle. And so, whatever you observe in life, you’re going to participate in. Whatever you tolerate you invite more of. And so, if you start inviting people into your life that have low integrity, that’s always going to end poorly.
Luckily, things didn’t turn out, this guy didn’t end up hooking up with this girl. But he needs a lesson here, because if he keeps acting this way, eventually he’s going to reap that karma. And this is not the kind of karma you want to encourage, because too many guys get involved with women that belong to the streets. And they think they’re saving these women, when in reality they’re just getting involved with somebody who’s got low integrity. They think because their motives are good or goodhearted, and they just want to love somebody that they like, their love will fix all the things that are wrong with this person.
It’s totally delusional, and way too many people do it. Especially in the last couple of months, I’ve had a lot of guys that are involved with people who are cheating. And it’s like, I have a hard time getting through to them sometimes that their behavior is out of line and inappropriate and just pointing out that there’s no way these people are going to be faithful to them, especially when they’re bouncing back and forth between their boyfriend or their husband that they’re in the process of divorcing. It’s just a bad way to go.
One of the things I always focus on with these guys is in a relationship your goal is similar to your purpose and your mission and your professional life. So, you’re going to have a goal, a purpose in your personal life as well. And if your goal is to have a healthy long term relationship with somebody who can be loyal and faithful, it’s just not going to happen with somebody who has a history of cheating or somebody that you’re able to successfully rip off from another guy.
I do these phone sessions more often than I’d like to, but there’s a lot of people that do this. You see it in movies that encourage this low integrity behavior, because in the movies it always works out and they live happily ever after. And the guy saves the girl from the horrible husband, or the abusive husband, the abusive boyfriend or whatever it happens to be, and he basically is marrying or trying to wife up and improve a chick that belongs to the streets, who’s more of a casual hook up, friends with benefits, or a sex playmate or fuck buddy type of relationship.
My name is Bob and I live in Sweden. Yes indeed, the rumors are true. The women here are beautiful, and if you know the right place to go to you will feel like you accidentally entered a beauty contest. I hope this letter isn’t too long, but I’ve tried to keep it as short as possible.
I’ve read your book about 3 times so far and I feel like I’m getting there, but there’s still moments where I feel clueless. I will tell the tale of such a time from just last week. I was out with a buddy drinking some beers at a local bar/music club. Suddenly, I catch a beautiful girl giving me the “hungry eyes.”
We call it “fuck me eyes” in the States.
Let’s call her Sally. I wasn’t quite sure of Sally’s interest in me, but I wanted to take a shot at it. I walked over to the girls table where she sat with her two friends.
So, I talked a lot about this early on in “How To Be A 3% Man,” my first book, and also the video I did years ago called “Improving Your Social Skills.” When a woman looks you in the eyes and smiles, that’s typically an invitation that she’s interested and she likes you. But it doesn’t mean that she’s got high integrity. It just means that she likes what she sees.
Because sometimes you’ll see women checking you out and staring at you and you’ll go talk to them, and then you’ll find out that they’re married or they’re taken, and that should be the end of it. But too many guys, they’re not fazed by that, and they just keep trying to run game on these girls. And sometimes they’re successful, but it always ends badly in the end. They get cheated on in the same way that they encourage that person to cheat on their present lover with them.
The table was simply too small for them so I said, “Hey girls. I just wanted to let you know that if you feel that your table is too crowded you are welcome to our table over there.” My friend and I had a big table just for ourselves, (I always try to get a big table, even if we are just two people for this reason).
Well, strategically, that’s actually pretty clever. And I agree, you’re the king. Back in the day when I used to go to the bars and clubs with friends and drink and talk to girls, back when I was in my twenties and early thirties, we would do that a lot. We would get a really big table and you have extra space, because maybe you run into somebody you know. Maybe there’s a group of girls out with their friends, and then you invite them over. Good things always happen when you have beautiful women around.
Initially, the girls didn’t come over and my friend started to despair, but I knew that patience is the name of the game. I will admit, after a few minutes I started to doubt myself, but soon enough the girls came over to our table. We had a great time, and Sally and I were exchanging looks every so often. I love the way that the focused attention of a beautiful girl makes me feel.
It’s always going to be good for your ego, but just because you can does not mean that you should.
Anyway, soon enough the bars close at 8:00 pm due to Covid, and I ask the girls what they are doing next. They had nowhere to go, so I of course suggested we go back to my place nearby where I had a stocked bar.
It’s pretty smart. I also talk about this in “How To Be A 3% Man,” about having maybe a little fridge with some snacks and some drinks in there, because you never know when you might have an unexpected visitor.
Once at my place, we keep drinking and talking. We play the game “never have I ever” and I learn a lot. Sally is apparently a lesbian and has a girlfriend!
So, right there he should be like, “Hey, she’s taken,” and at that point, that’s when you should realize. This girl he invited showed interest in him, and then now he comes to find out she’s actually in a relationship with somebody. But he’s like, “Oh, it’s just a little speed bump. No big deal.”
Not only that, but she has by far the most sexual stories to tell.
Obviously, she’s very promiscuous.
She was boasting of her sexual encounters with both men and women. I also learned that she had worked as a model. Sally is 20 years old and her friends were of a similar age. My friend is around 23, so I’m the “old” guy at 30.
Now, here’s where the “problem” occurred. All of a sudden, in the middle of all of us singing karaoke, Sally stands up, goes all the way around the room and has to jump up on the coach to get past my friend to sit right next to me. She presses her body tightly against mine and starts to touch and grab all over me.
Obviously, she’s interested, but she supposedly has a girlfriend.
I’m keeping it cool since I was in charge of playing the karaoke songs and had a keyboard in my lap. Also, I was hosting so I had to make sure that the girls’ glasses were filled up and that my friend was feeling comfortable, (he can get a little anxious sometimes).
Well, your guy friend needs to get that shit in check, because you don’t want somebody cock blocking you, who loses emotional self-control or acts like a beta male. And it’s important, if you’re trying to apply to things that are in “How To Be A 3% Man” and you go out with dudes that have no game, it doesn’t matter what you do if you’ve got one guy who comes over and says one or two sentences, and then the girls just leave because he’s an idiot. So, you’ve got to think about that.
And then you’re going to have guys in your peer group, because I know I did when I was younger when I started to learn this stuff, that they would just always end up cock blocking you when they came around. So, you just stop hanging out with those people.
I put my arm around the girl and enjoyed the attention. I’ll admit, I did feel a little bit overwhelmed by this sudden escalation of contact. She was so aggressive. I mean she kept looking at me during karaoke while singing and rubbing her foot on mine.
So, she’s playing footsie under the table, but she’s taken. She has a girlfriend.
She would touch her head to mine and try to hold my hands and guide them to I don’t know where. She would even rest her elbow on my crotch every opportunity she got! It’s as if she wanted to make out right then and there. But I figured that that wouldn’t be inappropriate, partly because I was hosting and had responsibilities.
Well, quite frankly, let’s pretend that she didn’t have a girlfriend and she was single. When a girl is touching you like that, that’s the invitation. That’s the, “Do you know what you’re doing, dude? Make a move.” That’s what she’s probing you for. So, when a woman’s being that close, just start making out. Then maybe like, “Hey, well, we’re going to go into my bedroom over here, and I’m going to show her my specialty soap collection. I’m a fan of the soap on the rope type of soaps.”
Partly because I felt like her friends were worried about the fact that she was about to cheat on her girlfriend, (she admitted earlier in the game ”never have I ever” that she had cheated before though).
Yeah, right. And so, here’s why she says that. Because if she does cheat, well, it’s all your fault. It’s like, “If you hadn’t kissed me, we wouldn’t have slept together,” and she can absolve herself from any personal responsibility. See how that works?
And finally because I felt that it would be awkward for us to make out right then and there in the middle of it all.
I wouldn’t find that awkward at all. But then again, I wouldn’t be trying to make out with a girl who had a girlfriend. But that’s beside the point. If you were just assuming that she was single, then yeah, you go for it. When she’s that close to you, fuck yeah. That’s the sign that she’s ready to get frisky.
I mean, we were a small group, only 5 people total.
Heaven forbid your friends see you kissing a pretty girl. That’s just such a horrible thing that nobody could deal with that.
All of a sudden, Sally gets a phone call from, guess who? Yup, it’s her girlfriend.
Probably because her girlfriend knows on some level that she’s dating or in a relationship with a liar and a cheater, and she’s checking up on her.
They have this dramatic phone call, and she is pacing all over the apartment.
Oh, yeah. There is drama going on, probably because she was supposed to be home. “Oh, I’m only going out for a drink or two.” And obviously, her girlfriend doesn’t trust her for good reason.
The call ends, and the girl comes back to me. I can’t recall if her behavior changed due to the phone call because I had some beers, but I feel that it was not the call that changed her behavior. Soon enough she seemed quite disinterested in me, and when I asked for her Snapchat, she said that she doesn’t have Snapchat. This is possible but unlikely. I felt it was more a different way of saying “no.”
Later, when the girls were about to leave, I was asking for her Facebook, and again she said that it’s better if I get the Facebook from one of her friends since her Facebook works such that only mutual friends can add her.
So, why are you asking for her social media? You should be asking for her number. But then again, you shouldn’t be asking this girl for anything. But the other thing is, if this had been a single girl, you wanting to approach her on social media is just weakness. It just shows that you don’t have confidence. And this girl is touching you in all those sexual ways, and you didn’t do anything. And instead of confidently asking for the phone number, you’re asking for her social media. You are basically giving the vibe off that you want to treat her like a celebrity and be one of her fans.
But this still doesn’t stop her from adding me, so it felt like another no.
It was another no.
When the girls left, I got very nice, long hugs from both friends and just a halfhearted one from her. At the time, I imagined that she acted like that because the call from the girlfriend made her feel guilty, but looking back, I don’t think that was as much of a factor perhaps…
Do you see how delusional this guy is?
…as me not reciprocating her contact with the same intensity.
It’s because of the girlfriend. She was there ready to cheat and fuck you. That’s what was really going on. She was ready to cheat on her girlfriend, but because you weren’t making a move when the signs were there, and instead of an easy, no strings attached hookup, now she’s realizing she’s got a guy that’s thinking he’s going to turn her into his girlfriend, she bounced.
But at the end of the day, the girlfriend was definitely a factor, because it’s obviously not the first time this has happened with her, because she’s a feral human and has no integrity.
I mean, this girl was probably not used to guys NOT throwing themselves over her at any mere opportunity.
Well, obviously, there were other guys in the past that when she touched them in that way, they knew what that meant and they took advantage of it.
I sent Sally a friend request on Facebook the next day, and upon not being accepted for three days, I wrote one of her friends to tell Sally that I’ve been thinking about her and I’d like to talk to her since I feel that she might be mad at me, (because of a miscommunication).
And now you turn into a total nice guy. “I’m sorry, Your Highness. Will you please like me? Will you please accept my friend request?”
Help me Coach. I felt like I played a perfect game that night, but then I tripped right at the finish line.
I just want to say thanks so much for what you do. I’m gonna keep reading the book and listening to your podcasts. Have a great one!
Well, I pointed out the mistakes. I’m not going to go back through them, but you can tell this guy is so focused on his interest and what he wants, he’s not reading the room or paying attention to the situation. So that’s a bad way to go. I mean, at the end of the day, when somebody tells you they’re taken, that should be the end of the story, even if they want to give you the number. Because if they’ll do that to their current boyfriend or spouse, eventually when they’re not happy with you, they’ll do the same thing to you. And if you don’t believe me, you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
And so, if you haven’t read my new book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” it’s available now at Audible.com and also iTunes. The hardcover and paperback are available on Amazon. Obviously, “Mastering yourself” you can get. You can read the digital version for free at Understanding Relationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. And obviously “How To Be A 3% Man,” the man’s Bible of how to be a man, you can also read for free.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s never a good idea to be disloyal to your lover or to encourage others who are in a relationship to cheat on their partner with you. The reality is that if they cheat on others with you, eventually they will also cheat on you. Too many people think they are saving good people from bad and unhappy relationships, when in reality, they are encouraging weak, insecure and low integrity people to act with a total lack of integrity. You attract how you act. If you hang out with and date people who lie and cheat without any remorse, eventually you will reap what you sow.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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