How to determine if your best friend is a real friend, deserving of forgiveness, or a snake you should banish from your life and inner circle for good, if they make romantic advances on your partner.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who was going through a rough patch with his girlfriend of three years. His best friend and his girlfriend were also going through a rough patch in their relationship at the same time as well. His girlfriend, who he says was the love of his life, was constantly coming home and accusing him of cheating and being unfaithful. He later learned his best friend was texting and hitting on his girlfriend behind his back. He caught his girlfriend and his best friend lying about what really happened on two separate occasions. His best friend has since come clean and apologized, but he wonders if he should cut him loose for good, as he no longer trusts him, or if he should forgive him. His ex-girlfriend found another guy three weeks after they broke up, and it’s now been five months since they split up for good, but he still thinks about her. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I have now reached a situation where I am not sure what avenue to take. My girlfriend of 3 years and I were going through a tough patch in February of last year. Funnily enough, my friend and his significant other were also having a few issues. The girl I was together with was the love of my life, and I cherished her and worshiped the ground she walked on. (Part of the problem there is you were treating her like a celebrity, putting her on a pedestal and kissing her ass a little too much. When you’re dating someone who has no integrity and you do that, they feel zero remorse about fucking you over. Maybe one out of a thousand will might actually change, but as Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” It’s just not worth it. Life is too short for you to sit around and wait on people to all of a sudden become someone of integrity, when all they’ve done is show you a complete lack of integrity.)
She used to come home some days and accuse me of cheating and accuse me of things I hadn’t done. (If you’re dating somebody, and they’re constantly accusing you of cheating or doing something wrong, they’re either incredibly insecure, or they’re a cheater. People project what’s inside of them. Remember the quote that is in my book, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. She’s obviously projecting. She’s a liar and a cheater and was waiting for the moment she could accuse you of cheating.)
I used to feel really low, and it made my attraction level fall. I was battling depression at the time, I didn’t feel like she ever understood, and she instead used to make me feel bad by accusing me of things based on my actions and emotions.
I recently found out that my best friend had been texting my girl at the time this was all taking place. Both my lady and my friend never told me about this, and the lie continued to float on. (That’s because that is who they are. This is the beauty of life. We are spiritual beings having a human experience, and here the universe brings you this situation where the two people closest to you reveal their true character. This is what happens when you put somebody on a pedestal and you kiss their ass. Most of the time, it’s because of how you perceive yourself. The universe brought you a situation to help you realize the true nature of the people in your life. This is the kind of moment where you realize, the number of people you should have in your inner circle and who you should have true, high quality relationships with are really small. You can count them on one hand.)
My girlfriend and I decided to give things another try, and we were working on our relationship. My friend also was doing the same thing with his girlfriend. (Another thing you should probably consider is, maybe he always had the hots for your girlfriend, and when things started going sideways with your girl, he started texting her, thinking ‘I’ll ditch my girlfriend, and date my best friend’s girlfriend.’)
I found out a few months ago, to my horror, that my girl and him were exchanging heated texts while we were all going through this shit. (What a nice guy. You were trying to fix things, and you didn’t even realize your best friend was against you.)
I confronted my friend and the girl, and she completely denied it, (Remember, she’s a liar and a cheater. This is just her nature), and made me out to be some kind of idiot, only to then have him come clean and tell me he had indeed exchanged texts with her, and he apologized. It’s taken me a while to forgive him, and because of how long I’ve known him, I tried to make our friendship work again. (You can forgive him, but it doesn’t mean you forget about it, because that’s his character.)
With her now out of the picture, I found out recently that he had done more than what he originally told me. They had kissed and made out on a few occasions, some occasions while I was in the same place. They were making a point of being in the same places together to spark activity. (Your ex-girlfriend, that’s just who she is. She was like this before she met you. There’s no reason to feel guilty about that. You’re going to be inclined to feel guilty, like what did I do wrong? But you just dated somebody that had no integrity, and you had a best friend who had no integrity also.)
Obviously, I am very hurt by his actions. She is out of my life and not relevant anymore. (She’s absolutely relevant because the universe exposed both of them for who they are. This is the kind of thing that makes you stronger, that grows your character, that makes you a lot less willing to trust somebody, and more willing to look at their actions and not listen to the bullshit that comes out of their mouths.)
He, on the other hand, was supposed to be my best friend. I blocked and removed him from everything, and he’s since been getting really aggressive with me, saying I’m over reacting. Am I on another planet here? (Well, you’re on a planet called honor and integrity and doing the right thing, and he’s a fucking snake in the grass. You did absolutely the right thing, and I salute you for having the courage to punt this motherfucker out of your life.)
My take on it is, if he were a friend, he would have never approached my girlfriend, (That is absolutely true. You are right about that), especially preying on her when she was low. (He’s a fucking snake in the fucking grass. That’s who he is. He can’t help it. But now you know. He’s shown you consistently.)
I am really hurt by her actions too, because when I really needed her, she ditched me on three occasions. (People that really care about you would be there no matter what. They’re loyal. This guy, he ain’t loyal, and neither was your girlfriend, obviously. You’ve got to be very careful about who you allow into your inner circle. When people do shit like this, that’s it, they’re gone. You can be an acquaintance. You can’t be a friend.)
I don’t know what to do next, whether to forgive him, (Absolutely not), reason with him (It’ won’t matter. That’s like telling yourself you can change him and you’ll make him a better man. Maybe he’s got to get fucked over or get the shit beat out of him by some future dude whose wife or girlfriend he screws around with. Or he may never), or ignore him for good. He has lied to me both times by not telling me the full truth on what happened.
I will be making a donation, as your videos are really helping me to overcome my ex. I am really struggling 5 months on to be happy and move on, even though she moved on in 3 weeks! (Obviously, she had somebody lined up before she broke it off with you completely, because again, that’s just who she is. It doesn’t reflect poorly on you. It just means you’ve got to cut her loose.
You’ve got to cut this friend loose too. That’s just the way it is, because otherwise, if you forgive him and allow him back in, given the right opportunity, he’ll do it again. He can’t help himself. If you allow him back into your life, that means he got away with it. You’re literally inviting him to do it to you again, because deep down he’s going to figure out, hey I can get away with it. The only way people like this learn is because they experience enough pain, and they lose enough relationships in their life, they realize being a snake in the grass is not the answer. But the likelihood of that happening is slim to none.
The key is, no matter what bullshit they try to tell you, to not allow them back in. It’s not only a service to yourself, it’s also a service to them, because they realized they fucked up and lost a relationship because of it. It’s what being self-reliant and building inner strength is all about.)
Thank you Corey,
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Honorable people believe in doing the right thing, even when no one else is around. Liars and cheaters really, truly believe and are convinced that everyone else is a liar and a cheater also. By the time someone has become an adult, if being devious, dishonest and dishonorable is what they have learned and how they consistently behaved, the likelihood of them changing their ways is slim to none. When you encounter people who are snakes in the grass, which we all do in life, it’s best to banish them from your inner circle and kingdom, so they can slither off into the sunset, never to return.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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