This is a bit of a long question, but when I read it, I felt like I was reading from my own past. This is what my life was like early on, and it was a very frustrating, disappointing and difficult period of my life. This guy actually has more guts and courage than I did when I was his age. The sad truth is, I was actually worse than he is with women. So if I can overcome my own fears, doubts, shyness, and lack of success, anyone can do it.
Here’s his email. My response is at the end:
Well I’m sure its quite obvious I have trouble with women, otherwise I would have never looked into your book or anything of the sort. So, I will try to skim over my history with girls quickly and get to my question. I am actually 18 years old right now, and am a freshman in college. I have had interest in girls since middle school, but never really put any action into place until after my sophomore year in high school when, for a few days, a girl that I had recently met showed interest in me. She was flirting with me, and I kind of just brushed it off, because I really hadn’t been that much into girls at the time. However, after a few weeks, I realized I really liked this girl. Because I really had no idea how to handle it, I talked to a few people and explained my dilemma, girls and guys. (I made the mistake of telling one of her friends in the process). Then, the more I tried to hang around her, the farther she went off. I eventually got enough guts to ask her to a movie one night, but she declined because she had summer school at the time. I later then foolishly told her I liked her on AOL instant messenger, and obviously, she shot me down saying I “was a nice guy, but not her type.” This only started the girl troubles. From there, I would find other girls very attractive and end up asking other people, (guys and girls), for advice on how to handle it. I believe just about every one of these girls found out I “liked” her before I had the chance to really get to know her. This went on maybe 6 or 7 times, and I was shut down every time. Then late in my junior year, I asked a girl out on the phone to go out “sometime,” and she declined because she thought “we didn’t mesh.” Moving into my senior year, I ended up liking a girl who was dating another guy at the time. Therefore, I didn’t want to mess with that, but once again I told people, (girls and guys), that I liked her. Somehow, she found out, and I immediately rushed in to say I didn’t want anything to happen, and how sorry I was. She later broke up with this guy, and I tried to take her out on a date then. She sometimes would act interested in me and other times not. She later would finally give me a straight answer of, “you are a nice guy, but…”
Now, to the most recent girl I liked a few months ago. I once again told girls and guys about her. I spent a decent amount of time with her every day for a few months during school. Nearing the end of the year, I worked up the courage to ask her out. I asked her out in person to “go out to eat sometime or to hang out.” She actually said, “yeah sure, just give me a call.” I was ecstatic at the time and called her two days later, but she did not answer, so I called again…she did not answer…so i called once more, and she didn’t answer again. Later that day, I received a text message from her explaining how she didn’t know I liked her like that, and she didn’t like me like that, and didn’t want to go out. I, as usual, was a wuss and said how it was all good, and I was sorry I asked her.
Fast forward to now. I feel like I am doing a lot better with girls. The first reason is because I was 135 pounds of skin and bone, (I ran cross country and track), with all of these girls mentioned, except the last one, with which I had started to gain a little bit of mass. I am now a rock solid 185 pounds of muscle, which gives me a lot more confidence around everyone. The next reason is because I read your book recently, and now try and make eye contact with girls, and I’m never the first to break it. I also really try to be laid back and act like girls aren’t that big of a deal to me. I try to act cocky and bust on them much more often. I know I have made my fair share of mistakes in the past, but I feel like I have fixed a lot of them. Yet even with being bigger and stronger, being more cocky, and trying to act more comfortable around women, I just don’t know when to make a move and I also still don’t feel the girls are 100% especially drawn to me. I mean, I am not looking to date a whole bunch of women and try and sleep with them. I plan on staying pure until marriage. I am really just trying to date for marriage, yet I still have never had a girlfriend, or a kiss, or anything. I’m not sure what more I need to do. I know it will be hard to diagnose the problem now that I have changed quite a bit from the previous stories, but any information would be beneficial.
Here is my response:
Reading your email was like reading a page from my own past. I think it is just awesome that, at your age, you have the balls and guts to admit you need help and are willing to learn and improve yourself. Most guys are too ego-centric and prideful, and will spend their lives failing miserably with women. They will either stay single or marry someone that they don’t really love, (that’s what I did), and spend their lives in miserable marriages that make their kids just as screwed up, insecure, unfulfilled, unhappy, and as unsuccessful as they are. They are too afraid to leave these bad and dysfunctional relationships, and justify staying in them by saying they are “doing it for the kids.” It makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?
The best thing you can do is practice what my book and home study course teaches. The best way to get better with women is to practice on a consistent basis. Patience, persistence and perseverance always pays off — every time, and I can prove it to you. If you continue to apply what you are learning, your overall happiness, confidence and success with women will skyrocket. I just got this yesterday from another coaching client of mine. His fiancée writes him things like this all the time. It’s what you have to look forward to my friend:
“Good morning Sunshine!
I called you *early* this morning, but you must have still been in dream land, Lol. I can’t express to you in words how I admire and respect you for everything you’ve accomplished, and how you motivate me, (and others). My perception of a man has changed — for the better 🙂 You are someone I can trust, rely on, need, want and desire. I feel comfortable letting you lead the relationship because I know you will take it to incredible heights. I truly love talking to you because I learn so much about you, and it allows me to see you as you are, and as the man I know you want to become. I’m your biggest fan, baby 😉 You are my *complete* man: my confidant, my boyfriend, my best friend, my heart, and the man I can’t wait to marry and mature with. All I ask is that you always be you. It gives me permission to be me 😉
Love and kisses…your baby girl.”
How cool is that? If he can do that, you can too. I will help you get there.
So, back to the topic of practice. Here is what I want you to do. Go to the malls. They are the best place to practice pickup and attraction skills on women. There are a lot of them and this task of overcoming your challenges with women needs a lot of cannon fodder so to speak. So if you mess up with one, there are hundreds more to try again with. Never get too hung up on any woman until she earns it. It’s totally okay to decide if you really like a girl first. She is on probation until she proves to you that she warrants your time. It doesn’t matter if she’s hot. Beauty fades, and if you want to settle down with one woman your whole life, you better make sure you marry someone you really enjoy as a human being, and not just somebody that looks hot and is fun to have sex with. Richard Marcinko, who founded the elite super secret SEAL Team 6, refers to having big balls and being audacious as having “testicle fortitude.” By the way, if you want to learn how to think like a Navy SEAL, then get Marcus Luttrell’s book called “Lone Survivor.” You deserve the whole package, (especially the hot looks and fun sex), and you will start to become pickier as your confidence, experience, and ability to attract beautiful women grows.
For now, let’s forget about finding the perfect woman and focus on becoming comfortable just saying hello to women. There are always tons of women at the mall. You may feel that it’s daunting to go to a mall and start conversations with random women. However, we are going to use the same approach as an old saying, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” We are going to start small. Your first trip to the mall has only one objective, to smile and say hello to at least five women. If you’re really ambitious, then say hello to ten. No asking for phone numbers. That takes all the pressure off. By just walking by and saying hello to people, you will become more comfortable with yourself and talking to strangers. Look them in the eye, smile and then say hi, hello, etc. If you are too uncomfortable talking to women, say hello to old people. Some will probably want to talk your ear off. Let them. Then after a few minutes, say it was nice meeting and chatting with you, and turn and go about more practice. Go into the stores and ask female clerks questions about products and/or where things would be located. Ask their opinion in clothing stores, etc. Women are very nurturing and love to dress guys and give advice on the subject. Actually, they love to give advice on pretty much anything. It gets you used to talking with women, and then when you see one you like, it will be much easier because you have warmed up, and are now in the flow. The next time, you will go to the mall to practice on going a little further. Ask her for her name, and when she tells you, then say, “it’s nice to meet you so and so.” If she doesn’t ask for your name in return when you don’t volunteer yours, then you know she has a low interest level; then say “enjoy your shopping” and move on.
Refer back to the book for all the specifics on this topic of the pickup phase. You must learn what’s in the book, and follow it. It works every time, and on every normal woman that has high interest level in you. Just think about what this will do for your kids. They will never have to grow up feeling the way you and I have. Imagine them going right into their teens and dating the hottest girl or boy in school. You’ll have a hot wife who loves and adores you, and you’ll feel the same way about her. You’ll have amazing children!
Finally, one thing you do not want to do is tell other people how you feel about someone. There is an old Indian proverb… “If tribe not to know, keep mouth shut.”
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur