The difference between beta male versus alpha male mentality and behavior, and how it affects your ability to be successful.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-four year old, young professional who has been struggling to find happiness and banish his negative thought patterns. He lost his job and had to move back home with his parents due to the lockdowns. He feels angry and resentful, because he doesn’t feel very successful and misses the life that he had.
He asks what he should do to turn his life around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
I’ve got an email here from a guy. He was doing great when he was in college, had a girlfriend, he was playing music, doing shows, having a really great life, great social life, and then all the lockdown shenanigans happened. He ended up losing his job, he became bitter and angry, and eventually his girlfriend broke it off with him. And now, he’s living at home with his parents, he’s in a really dark place and he’s really struggling. He’s still grinding away, but he’s struggling with his mentality. And so, he reaches out and shares what his experiences are.
Anybody that’s going through a difficult time, as the old saying goes, if you’re going through hell, keep going. You really do have to put one foot in front of the other. It’s a nice cliche to say “never quit and never give up,” but at the end of the day, you’ve got to know what you want, you’ve got to know why you want it, and you’ve got to have emotionally compelling reasons why you want it. And then, you’ve got to be executing a plan to make it happen.
Because “Inaction breeds fear and doubt; taking action breeds confidence and courage,” and so, you must be doing something to help yourself to move your life forward on a daily basis. Because success is making progress. If you feel like you’re making a little bit of progress, even if it’s really small, that’s going to make you feel hopeful that things will turn around in the future.
The reality is, it’s all about the journey. If you put off your happiness, if you adopt the belief that you won’t be happy until a certain thing happens, then when that thing happens, you’ll be happy for a little bit and then you’ll be back to the fact that you’re not happy. You have to find a way to enjoy the journey of getting from where you are to where you want to be. Because, otherwise, your happiness is just like winning the Super Bowl; you win the Super Bowl, you get the trophy, you have the party, you get over your hangover, and then it’s just another day. Or going to the Moon, for that matter. I mean, the astronauts that went to the Moon, they did all that preparation went to the Moon, came back. It’s like, how do you top going to the Moon?
So, you’ve always got to have a bigger, better vision for yourself. There’s always a taller mountain to climb. There’s always another level you can evolve to and grow to as a human being.
Hello Corey Wayne,
I am a very ambitious young professional, (24 years old), but over the past 2.5 years, (ever since my dream woman broke up with me), I have struggled to find happiness and to banish my negative thought patterns.
Yeah, this is where the inaction breeds fear and doubt, taking action breeds confidence and courage. You have to lose yourself in the process of taking action towards your grandest goals and dreams. You can’t be sitting around idle, because that’s where the negative thoughts come in. Because you’re not doing anything, you’re not moving anywhere, you’re not making any progress. And success is making progress, so if you’re not making progress, you’re not going to feel very successful.
If you don’t feel successful, it’s hard to be hopeful about your future. If you don’t have hope, it’s hard to be happy. And if you’re not happy, women are going to pick up on that; they’re going to sense that, they’re going to feel that. They want to be with a guy that’s happy and feels like he’s got his life in order. It doesn’t mean he’s got to be a millionaire and have all of his dreams accomplished. It just means he’s got to know what he wants, he’s got to have a plan, and he’s executing it to make it happen.
I used to be on top of the world when I was in college. I had a place to live away from home, I had many choices with women, and I had a great friend group. But after graduation I had a stark realization that I had no idea how I was going to be financially secure.
Well, I highly recommend you read “Mastering Yourself,” because that’s a roadmap of everything I’ve done – an autobiography of all the trials and tribulations in my life, and how I went from having a vision to actually creating and making that vision a reality multiple times throughout my life. And it’s just a process.
So, my book “Mastering Yourself,” which you can read for free just by subscribing to the email newsletter at UnderstandingRelationships.com, will teach you the fundamentals of the science of high achievement. And that’s the difference that makes a difference between people that enjoy their dreams and people that live lives of quiet desperation.
I have always had a passion for music, but I knew that it wasn’t going to be able to pay the bills right away.
Well before I go on, let’s let’s look at the music business. You can make money by creating your own music and selling it, whether you sell it through CDs, or even vinyl’s coming back into vogue now, or selling digital downloads of your music. You can sell merchandise – T-shirts, mugs, whatever. You can have concerts, where people pay to come and watch you play live. You can also go play at other people’s venues and get paid for your time that evening. And then, if you’re performing in front of people, you want to have products to sell, whether it’s CDs or vinyl, because again, it’s coming back into vogue. You’ve got T-shirts, or they want to buy your digital downloads, or maybe you have some other kind of product or service that you sell.
You’ve got to have multiple ways that you can earn income. All the big successful bands these days, they make all their money touring. And you can imagine, when everything is locked down and closed, you can’t go and have your concerts, which is how most successful musicians earn their money. Because most of the money for streaming and everything goes to the streaming companies and the record labels.
What was interesting, and I learned this from one of the guys in the Smashing Pumpkins, Billy Corgan. He was saying that when the streaming was starting to come around, or the technology was coming into play, that the different record labels ended up buying all of these streaming platforms. So, they went from having a monopoly on music, and then when all the music went to streaming, they invested a lot of their capital into these different streaming companies. So, they still get most of the lion’s share of the revenue, which sucks, but that’s the way the industry is.
And so, if you’re a local musician, a guy just starting out, you’ve got to get in front of people and play. If you’re a musician that loves playing and performing in front of people, you’ve got to play, even if it’s a small little venue – you’re working at a restaurant, or a little bar or night nightclub, or a little jazz bar, or whatever. You’ve got to perform in front of people and get paid to do it. And if you just love playing, I mean, where I live, I see musicians all the time going out on the street, where they’re playing their saxophone or their guitar, and they have a little synthesizer to play some drums and give some little background type of music to their guitar playing or their bass playing, or they’re singing, or whatever it happens to be.
You’ve got to get out there and perform doing YouTube videos, things of this nature. And all this stuff, my business model, how I market my particular business, also applies, whether you’re a musician, you’re in real estate, or you’re an attorney, or some other kind of professional. You’ve got to be making content for people that displays your skills.
I became fearful, and I started to become bitter and resentful.
Yeah, that’s what happens when you don’t have any hope. And behind anger is always fear, which obviously, he admits he’s fearful. Any guy in his situation would feel the same way.
My girlfriend broke up with me, Covid hit, I lost my job, and I moved back home, far away from an area where it’s easy to meet people and make connections in music. This also made it difficult to find clients to record out of my bedroom, as I lived in a secluded neighborhood. I contemplated and seriously considered committing suicide, as I was convinced that I, as a human being, had no more value.
We all have to have some kind of meaning in our lives. We have to have some kind of purpose, some kind of mission, some kind of life’s work that’s exciting and compelling to us. Because that’s what gives our life meaning.
But I didn’t, because I knew that if I did, no one was going to hear all the great music I was going to create.
True, it’s easy to give up, it’s easy to quit it. Unfortunately, lots of people do give up and do take their own lives. But it’s satisfying to keep grinding on, especially when you keep grinding on, and eventually you’re able to display your success – which drives the haters nuts. The reason the haters hate you is, they don’t hate you, they really hate themselves, because you’re doing what they wish they could be doing.
Living at home with my mother and stepfather has been detrimental to my self-worth. Not being financially independent and living a life of ease, has only exacerbated my beta-like mentality and behavior, although not totally. Living at home with no financial responsibility, and jerking off to porn, I have essentially created a fantasy, child-like life where I am responsible for nothing. I had some success with a few women, but the relationships didn’t last.
You’ve got to have a purpose.
I have read your book 8.25 times. I have watched a countless number of your videos, I continuously have been going to 12 step meetings, I have been consistently creating music. I have been consistently reading books on better business practices, created a website, found work by playing in churches, but I am still resentful, angry, and overall, just not enjoying life. I feel as if I am in a weird place of not a totally fucking loser, but certainly far away from someone who is very successful like you.
What do you say to men who are in a position like this?
Well, if you had read “Mastering Yourself,” I’ve been through these ups and downs multiple times in my life. I’m about to turn fifty-two here pretty soon, and when I was in my early to mid-thirties, I was killing it in real estate. I had a great business, I had lots of friends, I had several great girlfriends over the course of those particular years, that time frame. I had the world by the balls. And then, the market changed. And because of the market changes, and it was right before the crash in 2007, 2008, I decided I was going to do something else and become a life coach. I just figured, “With all of my experience and all of my success, it can’t take more than a year or two to really get this thing off the ground. Being a life coach, write a book – how hard can it be? I’m successful. I know these things.”
And so, the hardest part was figuring out the right business model to market myself so I could show and demonstrate the value to people for them to want to buy my books, or watch my videos, or hire me to help coach them and work with them. And it took a lot longer than I expected; it took almost five years to figure out my business model. So, after having made a half a million dollars a year, being all over TV in Orlando, going out and people coming up to me and recognizing me just because I was on TV, thirty-nine years old, a few short years later – after I had pretty much gone through most of my savings over the course of five years to live and all my experiments with my business – I was thirty-nine years old, and I moved in with my dad and slept on his couch in his office for four years.
I thought I was going to be there for six months. I was there for four fucking years. I didn’t feel very successful and the people that used to know me and worked with me in real estate, they were all laughing their asses off, thinking I’d gone off the deep end. “What a loser.” Who the hell did I think I was to be a successful life coach? I was sleeping on my dad’s couch at the time. But I kept applying the fundamentals of science to high achievement, the things that I teach myself, because they always worked in the past. And eventually, I figured things out.
I detail what made my business successful and still makes the business successful to this day in “Mastering Yourself.” And if you apply the things that are in there, it will work for you. I did it at thirty-nine, and you’re like, twenty four, so you’re still a kid. So, become really successful and make a lot of money, become a millionaire, and then get back to where you’ve got a few thousand dollars in the bank, and then go move in with your dad at almost forty years old. That’s really emasculating. But I believed in myself, I believed eventually I would figure it out.
So, if I were you, what I would do, I know in a lot of places now, the lockdowns and things are starting to finally end. Because reality is starting to happen, people are starting to finally see the truth about everything. So, what I would do if I were you, maybe move back to that area, get a get a job waiting tables, or tending bar, or something that you can do to earn enough money to pay the bills. Get yourself a little studio apartment, or what have you, or get a couple of guys that you can room with, and do your music thing part time while you work some other job. Which would be great for your social life, if you could tend bar or work at a restaurant, because you have all those connections back where you used to be. So, maybe now that things are opening up back, go back and live in that area.
Get a small efficiency apartment, get a job. Like I said, a bar or a restaurant is something that is fun. You’ll meet a lot of people, it’s great for your social life, it’s great for developing your social skills. There’s usually cute girls working at night if you pick a nice place to work. So, you can pay the bills while you build your music career on the side. That’d be the best thing to do for you, because you can sit at home and jerk off to porn all you want, but life is passing you by.
Every day, you should be doing everything you can to be maximally productive. Because success is making progress, so you want to do things on a daily basis when you’re not working to make progress in every area of your life that’s important to you. And that includes working out and taking care of your body. You have to do all of these things to become a well-rounded man. You already know how to do this stuff, you already have the success, you just have to apply it. Because just reading books and studying books, but not really doing much to help yourself… but he is. He’s created a website, he’s done a lot of things. I’m saying to do more.
If you’re not happy with where you live and you go live someplace where you love the area, that’s going to improve your overall quality of life, and that’s going to make you happier. And that’s what you want to do. Anything you can do to incrementally improve the quality of your life would be great. And if it was me, the first thing I’d be doing is finding a way to get back to where you want to live and get a job in that city. Find a place to live. Re-establish those old connections or friendships that may have gone by the wayside over the last few years, and get back to being the guy that you were being.
And then, if the music thing is not paying you enough, that can just be one of your projects. You can have a job working for somebody else that pays the bills, and then you can have your music career that you’re building on the side. I mean, if you take a step back and think, okay, if I spend the next ten years writing, playing, performing, doing YouTube videos, getting paid to play at venues, building an email list of people that have come to see your shows or see you play, then you’ll get to the point where your email list, especially like ten years from now, is big enough to where when you say, “Hey, I’m playing at this venue,” you’ll literally be able to bring hundreds of people to that particular venue. And you can write your own check.
If it’s a restaurant or it’s a bar, and you can literally bring hundreds of customers to that are going to spend their money there, that gives you a lot of power and a lot of leverage, because people will want to come and see you play. And repetition’s the mother skill. The more you practice the things that you love and enjoy, the better you’re going to get at it. If you keep doing this, when you’re performing in front of people, ask them to come up, fill out their their email so they can join your email lists. And you’ll just send emails out to let them know where you’re playing next.
Even if you have fifty people and two or three people come and give you an email address, that’s a great thing. Because if you take that every time you play, and everybody subscribes over the course of several years or a decade, that can add up to thousands and thousands of people in your email list. And then you literally can bring all your customers with you that want to consume your music, and whatever venue you go play at, then they’ll consume their food and drink. They’ll love to have you there, and they’ll pay you even more money.
That’s what my old business partner did. Because he played for so many years, he got to be so well known, whenever he would go play somewhere, everybody would show up. And so, that gave him a lot of leverage with the venue to charge what he wanted.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Feeling like you are successful and happy is the result of feeling like you are making progress towards your grandest goals and dreams. It’s hard to feel hopeful about your future if you don’t see any or very little progress for your efforts. You must learn to think in terms of decades when it comes to creating a great life and lifestyle for yourself. Big things have little beginnings. If you know what you want, have emotionally compelling reasons why you want it, and are executing a plan to make it happen, then lose yourself in the process of making your dreams a reality. Most importantly, find a way to enjoy your journey and have fun.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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