How to avoid acting like a beta male when you first start dating a woman you really like, so you can instead act like a charming alpha male to cause her to fall in love with you and want to make you her boyfriend.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating a woman he really liked, but he later got friend zoned for acting too much like a timid beta male. He originally met her through online dating, and things started off very hot and heavy. He describes how he got caught up in her initial high interest, her frequently texting him and how this caused him to start acting a little dopey. He said he felt the games were finally over with her and that they were on their own little love boat. He never actually had sex with her, and when she mentioned going away for a weekend together, he thought he would finally be able to seal the deal. Then, she suddenly dumped him over text with an explanation that she just wanted to be solo. He later called her to get some closure and figure out what the hell really happened, but the call got him nowhere, and her answers only confused him more. He asks my opinion on the situation and what I would recommend that he should do in order to give him the best possible chance to get another shot at dating her.
Here are the basics: I am 42 years old, and I met a girl who is 31 via Match in Minneapolis. We are very similar in world travels, time outside of the U.S., and a recent relocation back to Minnesota. We met just prior to New Years Eve.
Here is our history: We had a couple of dates near the New Year, one kiss, and she cooled things off. I kind of became a bitch, and said I would be friends with her. We do have lots in common, as I lived in the same cities in Europe and in New York City. We texted and had a few dates again a month later, nothing major, just daily texts like, “Hi Handsome” and “Sorry Love, missed your call.” (The phone is for setting dates. When you’re chit chatting like this as soon as you meet a girl, you never give her any time or space to wonder and think about you or gush about you to all of her girlfriends, which causes her attraction to grow.) We had dates and a couple of minor make-out sessions, but no sex. However, she started talking about taking a weekend trip, so I thought things would become more intimate at that point. (It sounds like you are sitting around waiting for her to be the man and tell you what to do. You’re not directing things.)
The problems began the day she called it off via a text with the classic, “I want to be solo,” with no further explanation. (No, the problems began the moment you started interacting with her.) After reading your book, I realized that I was being too available and not letting her do any of the pursuing. I was always available, sending back texts within the hour, etc. It just felt so good, and I thought that the games were over and we were on the love boat together. After calling it off, I called her for a short chat for closure; I know, I know –weakness. We agreed to talk later, then I ignored her call and just sent a text that I appreciated her call. After a week, I got an invitation from her that she would like to come see me for breakfast. (This is where you should start to change your approach. Breakfast is a friends thing. You should have suggested dinner. She should come to you. Your formula should be, hang out, have fun, and hook up.) I just told her I was out of town. Then, she texted me again to ask about the weekend. (Notice how things shifted.)
I want to believe that I was too much of a beta male and she made a mistake, maybe trying to teach me to be more of a man, and that there is a future in this thing. I really have a lot of feelings for her, but again, it’s preliminary. I really don’t know what she is like in a day-to-day personal sense. I wanted to get advice on options.
1) I can forget about her. My little bit of heartache is over.
2) I can meet with her and get some insight on why she called it off. (You will never get a straight answer from her. Hang out, have fun and hook up — anything else will complicate the situation.) I’m not sure how the conversation would go — either ‘friend zone,’ “I made a mistake,” or just be nice. After six dates, we were never really together, so it’s hard to give it a pass and simply start it up again if that becomes an option. (Keep it simple. She should come to your place.)
3) I can text or call her indicating that I want to respect her desire to no longer be in a relationship, then give it a month and contact her, or maybe I will be in a different place then. (You were never in a relationship. Don’t chase somebody who blows you off.)
Maybe there is some other option. (Yes, do nothing.) I did read through your book and also the article on seven ways to win her back, (“7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,”) but it’s odd as we were very preliminary in the relationship. (Read the book, get serious and get a handle on your life.) Most likely, it would be step 1, stating my intentions to be in a romantic relationship with her, but that’s really not where we’re at now. How do I reset? (The next time she reaches out, assume she wants to see you and make a date to have dinner at your place. Create an opportunity for sex to happen.)
My Response to him:
Your basic problem is that you have been too fearful to stand up for yourself and what you wanted. You want romance, and she offers you friendship. It’s very simple what you should do from this point going forward. You should interact with her in exactly the ways that I discussed in the article “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Never contact or call her for any reason. She must do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. Your job as a man is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. For at least the first three dates, she must come to you and make dinner at your place together. When the signs are there, make a move physically and escalate things sexually exactly the way I describe in my book. If she ever brings up being friends or friendship again, you must tell her you are not interested in that and not to contact you anymore unless her interest is romantic. You don’t get what you deserve in life, only what you negotiate. You need to read my book ASAP to learn the basic fundamentals of what I teach, and actually apply it. You simply read my information, but did not change your approach. That’s why you are getting nowhere. Start dating new women and get some other options.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women want men who know how to act like men. They don’t want to train or teach a boy how to be a man. They don’t want to make the choices or the plans for dates either. They want a man who has a plan so they can simply sit back, relax and enjoy the journey as it unfolds. An alpha male knows what he wants, expects to get it and then goes after it without fear of the consequences or potential for rejection. A beta male often acts like he is afraid of his own shadow, can’t make a decision and all too often defers to the woman to make the decisions, so he can wait on her hand and foot like a good little boy or personal butler. Alpha males get the girl. Beta males get blue balls, blown off and friend zoned.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne