Why beta males seek female attention and validation while alpha males give women attention and validation.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24-year-old guy from Japan who is dating a 23-year-old Japanese girl. She apparently has a celebrity crush on a professional baseball player and gushes about dating him constantly like a girl in high school with a crush. They are each other’s first relationship. His problem is that he is constantly seeking her attention and validation instead of letting her seek his. Although she does sweet things for him, she has all the power and they only see each other once per week.
He admits he is guilty of texting and talking way too much on the phone. He rationalizes away his mistakes and her low interest as a cultural thing, despite the fact she is dopey over a celebrity she has never met. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This particular email comes all the way from a viewer in Japan. He’s 24 and he’s dating a 23-year-old Japanese girl, and apparently she has a huge celebrity crush on this professional baseball player, and she’s gushing constantly about this guy.
She’s on Twitter drooling all over him, how nice it would be to hold his hand in the daytime. Meanwhile, her boyfriend, the guy that actually writes the email, it’s kind of annoying because she acts like somebody in middle school/high school. It’s got their first celebrity crush.
So the problem with this guy’s mindset is that it’s just completely flipped around. He’s totally focused on getting her attention and validation. He admits he spent too much time texting on the phone, and so he knows he’s screwing up, but he doesn’t think it’s really that bad. Then, just from the context of his email, you could tell that she’s kind of got all the power in the relationship.
They’ve been dating seven months, he says. They still only see each other once a week, and he goes, “Oh, it’s just a cultural thing here.” Meanwhile, he’s doing things that he knows are not what the book teaches, but he’s like, “It’s not a big deal.” Yet he’s writing in an email going, “My girl’s more into this celebrity crush than she really is into me.”
The harsh reality is, if she was head over heels in love, she wouldn’t even be talking about the celebrity crush. The fact that she continues to drool all over this guy shows that he’s over-pursuing, he’s over-texting, and probably other things he’s doing when he’s with her because he’s always seeking her attention and validation, is getting in the way of her falling head over heels in love with him, to the point where she blows off the celebrity crush, takes down her posters of him and stuff, and puts many pictures of her boyfriend up, which is what common sense would tell you. She’s in love with her boyfriend. She’s going to have pictures of her boyfriend up, not like fan girl and some dude that she’s never met and probably never ever will meet. If this guy keeps acting this way, she’s never going to fall in love with him. Never truly, deeply going to desire this guy.
I (24, male) live in Japan and I am dating a Japanese girl (23, female). I have listened to your book five times. We have been dating for seven months. We are both each other’s first relationship.
So there’s a little bit of immaturity there too, obviously.
Like many of the young girls here, she has a celebrity crush on an idol, specifically a baseball player. She has pictures of him on her key chain, pictures of him in her folder at work, points him out to me every time she sees a poster of him, etc.
You were like, “Yeah, dudes do nothing for me, babe. You’re cute. If it was a hot girl you had a crush on, I’d probably be a little more excited, but this dude. I’m not excited about that. Quite frankly, I’d rather you not bring that up and rub that in my face all the time. If you really think you got a chance with that guy, maybe you should go shoot your shot.”
I thought it was only silly fun until I found her Twitter this weekend. It’s filled with tweets gushing about this man, saying she has dreams of dating him and holding his hand (ouch), saying he is, “Delicious meat,” etc.
Oh that’s fun. It just shows that she’s she feels stronger emotions for this guy she doesn’t even know than her own boyfriend. Attraction level cuts through everything, and the fact that he’s writing in complaining that his girlfriend is referring to some dude she’s never met as delicious meat and gushing all over her Twitter, it’s not a good sign. That’s not a sign of somebody that’s actually following the book.
He’s seeing what he wants to see. He’s projecting his high interest. Like most guys that don’t understand how attraction works, he’s mad that she doesn’t feel the way he wants her to feel towards him, but yet he’s not recognizing that a big part of that contributing factor, that is his own behavior and the fact that he’s given all of his power away to her. He’s probably becoming a bit of an emotional tampon on the phone and through text.
I am beginning to be less attracted to her, and it makes me question what things that I want out of a relationship with her, and how much I can trust her.
Well, as the book says, your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, and to hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched and kissed and seduced, as discussed in the book. Not to get into a relationship with her. Not to lock her down to a commitment. Not to get her to stop gushing over some celebrity crush. It’s just simply to hang out and have fun and hook up.
If he had the proper mindset, then she would be the one trying to lock him down. If she’s the one trying to lock you down, and she’s drooling all over some guy that she’s never met, this would be the moment where you’d say, “I like you a lot. I really like hanging out with you, and I like what we have, but every time we’re together, all you’re doing is drooling over some dude you’ve never met and probably never will meet.”
“So if you’re trying to convince me that I need to be your boyfriend, or we should be exclusive, you need to kind of grow up and let this celebrity crush thing go by the wayside, because I’m not interested in being a second class citizen to some fantasy you have of meeting this famous dude. That’s not the kind of thing you want to say and do. If you’re trying to convince me to be your boyfriend, that should have been your mindset,” speaking of the emailer, but it wasn’t.
This is what’s taught in the book. He is acting like a girl. So in other words, she’s got a celebrity crush on a celebrity and he, in essence, is treating her like a celebrity and has her on a pedestal, and he’s trying to get her attention and validation, which again, is the total opposite of the mindset that is taught in the book. That’s part of the reason why he’s having problems.
It feels like she is not being loyal, and it’s a form of emotional cheating.
It’s called low romantic interest. There is an attraction table. I know you claim to have read this five times, there’s a chapter called It’s All In The Numbers, and it lays out what specific things a woman does depending on her attraction level towards you, and she does not seem the actions of this girl are not the actions of a woman who is head over heels in love with you. Simple as that.
If this relationship continues, and I really want it to because I love her so much…
He’s drooling all over her, obviously.
…And she says she does too…
But her actions don’t seem to match that.
…I struggle to rationalize spending time with her, investing in our relationship, and giving her flowers…
Well, if you’re seven months in, what are you giving her flowers for your anniversary? Valentine’s day? Valentine’s day hasn’t happened yet, bro, and you’re buying her flowers. So there’s probably a whole host of other things that he’s doing that violate the principles in the book, but he can’t see it. He’s just upset that she doesn’t feel the way he wants her to feel about him, while he ignores the fact that he’s doing things that are totally out of alignment with the book and giving her flowers.
…If she’s continuously thinking about another boy like that, especially when she’s with me.
Well, this is how you trained her to be. Instead of acting like the prize and the catch and letting her win you over, it’s pretty clear that your mindset is, “Hey Corey, how can I win her over?” You’re thinking like a girl. Thinks not like a man. She’s attracted to this baseball player because he is the ultimate male fantasy to her, while you you act like a little boy doesn’t know what to do.
She’s the absolute sweetest girl and treats me so well, but she’s very shy and structured (lives with her parents, has to be home by 10 p.m. every night, went to an all-girls high school and university) so I can see she’s not the most mature.
You’re both like kids. You act like kids. Even though you’re technically adults, both of you kind of act like you’re in middle school and high school.
I don’t chase via text or phone…
No, sorry. Next.
…Although I’ve been guilty of texting her a lot (after she initiated).
The phone is for setting dates, bro. It’s right out of the book and you’re violating. Yet this is at least the third or fourth principle from the book that I’ve pointed out now that you’re violating. You can’t do the opposite of what the book teaches, and then be surprised when she behaves the way she behaves. You’re not acting like an attractive guy who thinks he’s the prize. You’re acting like a guy who is treating his girlfriend like a celebrity and begging her to give him time and attention.
She’s been hesitant to open up emotionally, though, but I’ve been having success recently. I’ve let her know it’s OK to cry and she’s been letting loose with it recently, and she speaks enough to where she eventually thanks me and says I’m the best boyfriend ever.
Well, these emotional sessions here should be in person and not over the phone or over text. Again, the phone is for arranging get togethers in person. If you’re chit-chatting all day long on text and you’re just going, “Oh well, she’s the first one to text me this morning, and I sent her a hundred texts all afternoon.” It’s like, not that he did that, but you just see what’s going on all day long. He’s probably texting her like a little child because he’s not focused on his purpose and his mission because he’s scared that if he doesn’t give her more attention and validation, she’s going to become more focused on the celebrity crush.
The reality is, his girlfriend’s just got low interest, and he doesn’t want to admit that, because then it would cause him to admit that he’s a making mistakes and doing the opposite of the book.
She brings me small gifts and writes me love letters. With this being said, she said she only wants to see me once a week because it’s normal here.
She only wants to see you once a week because she doesn’t feel that attracted to you. She’s OK with once a week. She’s not dying to see you, “I miss you. I can’t wait to see you again.” These are things that are in the book. If she was head over heels in love with you, she’d be doing things like that, but when she goes like, “Yeah, I don’t want to see him more than once a week,” “Oh, it’s totally normal here, though. This is the culture thing.” No it’s not.
Attraction cuts through everything. The bottom line is she’s just not simply that into you. It’s great that she writes you love letters and stuff like that, but if she’s so in love with you, but yet she can’t make time for you other than once a week, yeah, she’s not that into you, dude.
I don’t necessarily agree, but who knows. I must be doing something wrong.
Well, I don’t really see anything in your email that indicates you’re actually doing what the book says. I see a lot of you doing the opposite of what the book says, and you being perplexed that she’s not into you. It’s like you’re literally displaying the unattractive behavior the book tells you not to.
I’m confident that if I continue to do what I do then she will be more head over heels in love with me.
She wants to see you once a week, bro. The excuse. “Oh, it’s just a cultural thing here,” shit don’t matter. Women don’t fucking break men out of prison and wreck their lives over logic and reason. They break their boyfriends out of prison because of their emotions overriding their logic.
If a woman’s head over heels in love with you, she’s not going to be satisfied with seeing you with just once a week. That’s a fact of life.
However, I don’t know how I should confront her…
You’re not going to talk her into liking you more, bro.
…If I even should, about her celebrity obsession.
Well, you could just say, “We’re together on a date and you’re drooling all over some guy that you’ve never met and probably never will meet. That’s kind of disrespectful. I’m your boyfriend. You should be focused on me. If you want to drool all over some celebrity, I can take you home and you can drool all over him and do whatever, but I want to hang out with my girlfriend who wants to see me, and who’s dying to see me, who misses seeing me not show up to take my girlfriend out on a date,” and then have her drool all over some guy she’s never met? “That’s inappropriate, honey. It’s like you need to kind of grow up a little bit. It’s not cool.”
“How would you like it if we’re out on a date and I’m looking at porn? I’m looking at porn in a magazine or on my phone,” or whatever. “Wow, she’s so hot, I’d like to have sex with her. You probably wouldn’t like that very much. So I don’t really want to hear about you drooling all over some baseball player you’re never going to meet. It’s not attractive, and it’s not the kind of thing that makes me excited to be your boyfriend. It’s a total turnoff.“
It’s obviously different from the west, and it makes me hesitant to endlessly give…
Well, you should be paying attention to what’s coming back.
…Because she’s obviously not satisfied with an aspect of the relationship to the point she has to form an emotional relationship with an athlete’s persona. I don’t want to marry a girl…
Dude, why are you’re seven months in and in your mind you’ve already made up, “Oh, this is the girl I’m going to marry.” Despite the fact you’re ignoring that, she says a lot of nice things, she writes you love letters, but if you look at her actions, she doesn’t look like a girl that’s head over heels in love with you, trying to convince you to be her husband.
Again, you’re taking the man’s and the woman’s role in the relationship and you’re vacillating back and forth and you’re not a guy that she admires that she respects, that she looks up to. She admires and respects and looks up to the baseball player, but not you, because of your behavior.
…If I’m always having to think that could start gushing over other men.
That’s why you shouldn’t consider it. If the topic comes up, you’re like, “Hey, you seem more into this celebrity that you’ve never known, never met than you are us. I’m not going to marry a girl that’s constantly drooling over some other guy. That’s just not going to happen. So you’re going to have to make a decision. Do you want to be in love with a fantasy, or do you want to live in the real world and be with me? Your boyfriend, who you have a real relationship with?”
Should I set a boundary, or act like a man and ignore it? Will addressing it make me look insecure and needy?
Well, if she’s constantly rubbing your face, I would address it in ways like I’ve discussed, obviously tactfully. You got to let her know that if you’re on a date and she wants to show you pictures, “Oh look, there he is. He’s on a billboard.” It’s like, “Great. I don’t really care. I’m not that into baseball. We’re on a date together and you are basically saying, ‘Hey, I want to drool over another guy.’ Why wouldn’t you want me to take you out on a date? You can stay at home and drool all over him, and then I can go out and maybe I should date somebody else. Maybe I should date a woman who’s excited to hang out with me, and not one who’s got a irrational celebrity crush on somebody she’s never met or probably never will meet.”
The other thing is you got to actually apply what’s in the book, dude, you can’t cherry pick things and just do a little bit here and there that’s in the book, and then 90% of what you’re doing is a complete opposite. Then be shocked at she’s drooling all over somebody other than you. Come on, man.
You got to pull your head out of your ass. If you’re only seeing her once a week and she’s OK with that, then be busy, instead of asking her out next week and don’t ask her out at all. Then go two weeks without seeing her and see what happens. She should be doing 90%-95% of the calling, texting and pursuing that’s in here and use the phone for setting dates. You don’t spend endless hours chit-chatting on the phone and then make the excuse, “Oh, it’s the culture here, and we only see each other once a week. That’s totally normal.” She’s cool with seeing you once a week because she’s just not that into it. That’s the reality.
No, it’s not what you want to hear, but somebody’s got to tell you the truth. So you better pull your head out of your ass and actually start applying what’s in the book, dude. You are in the danger zone.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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