Some things you should consider if you realize that you just started dating someone who seems to constantly be bitchy, grumpy and a bad communicator. How to determine if a relationship is salvageable if you are dating a bitchy, grumpy bad communicator.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been dating a woman who lives four hours away by plane. I did a phone session with him about a month ago regarding this woman. They’ve seen each other three or four times over the past year, but the last time they were together she was just starting her period, and she was bitchy and grumpy. On top of that, she’s a really bad communicator. She would tell him about things he did that irritated her, but she was unwilling to really open up, talk about it and explain why she was really upset. She’d basically hurl some insults and then be unwilling to elaborate.
They did have some really great sex while he was there and things seemed to get better, but right before he was about to leave again, she became nasty once more. He has not heard from her since he left a week or so ago, and he asks my opinion on how he should handle the situation with her.
Bob here. We spoke about a month ago. I’ve read your book 12 times and I’m still reading it. Our call last time was a general hello, and I told you about this relationship I am in with a woman. I am a young 50, and she is a 40-year-old, beautiful woman with an 7-year-old girl, and divorced for three years. She was married for 20. I live in New Mexico. We met a year ago January at a class. Then, about September of last year, I traveled to her town to teach a class and she accepted my invite to dinner, which went great, and I spent the night with her — “flesh rocket” given. Since then, she came to visit me in New Mexico in October, and we did a 4-day trip around here and had a great time. Then, in November, I went to stay with her Colorado, we went to Denver for a few days, and another great time was had. (When you’re dating, people can hide who they really are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. However, over time we start slipping, and we let the other person see what we’re really like.) About the first week of December, we were talking on the phone, and she asked me to come back to Colorado to help her celebrate the holidays. I said yes, and so I went there in December, and stayed several nights. This woman is drop-dead funny and kind of an airhead, and she knows all of this about herself.
A little history…after our time of being in New Mexico in September together, she started texting every day, calling occasionally, basically starting to say and do things a girlfriend would say and do, but never flat out asking me to be her boyfriend — just skirting around the subject. I was cool, letting her do 90% of everything for the last two months.
I arrived in Colorado on December 21st, and she could not have looked more beautiful! FUCK! As we got to her house she informed me that her friend’s party had been cancelled that evening. She asked if we could cancel our dinner reservations so she could cook for me instead, which I agreed to as it was fucking freezing outside, and she had lobster and steak waiting to be cooked! We had a drink a few hours before dinner, and ended up in her bedroom kissing some, and just having a little fun — no sex, just playing. I told her, let’s just kiss until midnight, and then make love at midnight. (If I were you, I wouldn’t have held back the sex.)
After dinner and before midnight, she started acting as if she didn’t want me at her house, just being a little rude and disrespectful in those little ways women can do. (It sounds to me like she felt rejected when you wouldn’t fuck her.) I called her on it, and not being such a good communicator, she would just say, “Well you did say a few things a couple of times that I didn’t like.” BINGO!!! Then she would say, “I’m sorry Bob,” without explaining much or telling me what I had said. (A good communicator would be happy to tell you their feelings were hurt. A bad communicator will say they don’t want to talk about it. They feel communicating means fighting, not getting along or drama. They associate more pain with communicating, so they avoid it all together. If nothing is ever resolved, they are bitchy all the time.) It was a really weird evening, and I’m still not sure what the fuck happened. She even said, “I wouldn’t blame you if you left,” and I was thinking “I would if I had a car and a hotel room,” but it was so fucking cold man, so I stuck it out at her place. (Her statement reveals someone in a fearful state who expects to get rejected and dumped. People will act consistently with who they view themselves to be, whether that view is accurate or not. She knows she’s being an ass, and she’s expecting you to leave. It sounds like she was really into you, but doesn’t feel like she has enough to keep you around.) To make a long story longer, the whole weird thing continued while I fell asleep on her bed. Then, she woke me up at 4 am that night and wanted me to fuck her, so I did, ha-ha. The next day, things got better, and that next night we had a wonderful time and the best love making ever. (She stopped holding back, and there was intimacy again.) Well, the day after that, she went back to acting like she’d rather be alone. It was just a weird time the whole trip, Corey. By the time I left to return home, she was nice, but I think it was because I was on my way out of her house. (This tells me she didn’t have a very high opinion of herself. It’s not your job to fix her or save her from herself. You tried to get her to communicate. It’s her problem.)
Now, a few things happened while this whole 4-day thing was going on. She started her period the 5th night, and we had eaten some pot brownies the whole time we were there that might have lead to some confusion, ha-ha, but I do know I did not like being treated like that. (People who tend to be in a perpetually fearful state, and who smoke some weed, will get a little paranoid. If she was already in that fearful state, it just heightened what was already there. What you saw is what this woman is really like. She has self-esteem issues and doesn’t have a lot of confidence.) I flew home, and she texted me the evening of the next day to say thank you for the soup I had made for her and her daughter, who came home the night I had left. My reply was, “You’re very welcome.” I also told her, the moon and the stars watch over her, as she’s into all this astrology stuff. Then her final reply was, “You are so sweet. Have a peaceful evening Bob.”
SO HERE’S THE BIG QUESTION: We communicated almost every day for two months, then this last visit turned into shit. I have not heard back from her since the text on the evening of January 6th, and I have not tried to contact her in any way either. Do I wait to see if she contacts me? (Yes. She hasn’t done anything to warrant you reaching out to her.) Do I send a text after a few weeks and say how are you? (No fucking way.) Her birthday is January 24th. Would that be a day to send a text? DO NOTHING? (Yes, do nothing.) If she does contact me, do I even mention what went on with the last trip? Or should I just say, “Hey, its good to hear from you baby. I’d sure like to see you. When are you able to get together again?” (Yes.) I think if we did get together, I would meet her half way somewhere. (No, make her come to you. It’s now her turn to come see you. She needs to earn you back.) It’s harder to lose relationships as we become older. By the way, your book has changed my life for the better. (At the end of the day, you want a woman who physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually knocks your socks off. However, this woman is a bad communicator, insecure, rude, condescending and disrespectful.)
Be well my friend,
My response to him:
It sounds like she gets kind of moody and bitchy when she has pot brownies or when she’s on her period and she tends to take it out on the people around her. You notice that she woke you up at 4 o’clock in the morning because she wanted to have sex. Obviously she knew she was being kind of moody and bitchy and wanted to make up for it. Some women are like that, but not all women. It’s okay if a woman is bitchy and moody and sometimes takes it out on you, but a good woman will apologize when she realizes it. Other women are just nasty and expect you to take it without any apology. Since you really don’t spend much time together in person, it’s really hard to tell what she’s really like. She’s obviously backed off and is not that into you because of what happened.
If I were you, I would just let her be and see if she reaches out, because if you start to pursue her and she has mistreated you, you’re simply inviting her to do it again. Since this is long distance, do you really want to be driving or flying to see someone who acts like an ass, and then lacks the communication skills to work through things? I think not. Relationships are hard enough without trying to be in one with someone who’s a lousy communicator. They seek to punish you and hurt you when they’re upset, instead of talking things out like an adult. I know from personal experience that trying to have a relationship with a woman who’s a bad communicator is incredibly frustrating and never effortless. When a woman treats you well, she gets the gift of your time. When a woman is rude, mistreats you or takes you for granted, she gets the gift of missing you. I would never contact her again. If she reaches out, invite her to come see you next time. She needs to make more of an effort to value you, your time and what you have to offer. You definitely should have some other options and not place such a high value on her being in your life because, quite frankly, she’s not earning it.
“If you want to have easy and effortless relationships, you need to have them with people who are great communicators. A great communicator places a really high value on being heard and being understood, as well as making sure they hear and understand the other person as well. Bad communicators tend to be narcissistic, self-centered and only focused on the fact they are upset or feel wronged. They tend to try and punish other people they are in relationship with due to real, imaginary or perceived violations of their self or their dignity. If you are in relationship with or are considering entering into a relationship with someone who gets upset with you, but refuses to explain why they are upset in explicit detail to work things out in a loving manner, then a healthy and effortless relationship with them is impossible. Successful relationships can only thrive and last when both people are not only committed to making them work, but they actually make a mutual effort to lovingly communicate and make them work.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne