In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who was married to her ex-husband for fifteen years. They had two kids together. She says he was a really nice and sweet man. She describes how his constant need for validation and never feeling like he deserved her led to her eventually agreeing with him. She says she never quite understood why she felt like he was more of a brother than a lover to her. She finally decided to listen to her gut and left him. At the time, she could not explain to him why she no longer wanted to be married to him, despite his demand for an explanation for the divorce. He was loyal, helpful, nice and a good father. He made the mistake of making her his mommy, therapist and nurse. After finding my work, she was able to finally understand why she felt the way she did towards him, and viewed him as another kid to take care of, instead of being a teammate, lover, friend and equal. Her email perfectly illustrates, from a woman’s point of view, the importance and necessity for a man to be a leader, centered, masculine and confident in his relationships to prevent rejection. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email:
First, I want to thank you for all your insight. Your book and your videos have been not only helpful, but extremely hilarious at times. I write this to show your male viewers how some of the things you teach men not to do affect women like me — women who truly want to love and adore a man, mentally, emotionally and physically. (You forgot “spiritually.”)I’m a 40-year old, divorced mother of 2. I was married for 15 years to a very sweet and kind man, but as you explain over and over to your viewers, he put himself right in the friend zone. He never felt he deserved me, so eventually I had to agree with him. (When you grow up and you want to be loved and hugged, but you mostly just get ignored or get yelled at when you do something wrong, over time you start to look for reasons why you’re not loved or lovable. Eventually, whatever you focus your brain on it’s going to find an answer. You, in essence, formulate a story or a perception about yourself that you tell yourself, and it impacts all of your interactions with other human beings, not only in your personal life, but in your professional life as well. If you have a self-perception that you’re not deserving, you’re not lovable and there’s something wrong with you, it’s just a matter of time before everyone else finds out what that something is, and they discard you and treat you coldly. It takes time to change those perceptions, but the key is to become aware of your own self-talk.) By the time our marriage ended, I saw him more as a brother than a lover. I never quite understood why I felt that way about him. (Well, when the sexual polarity is not there, that’s what happens. When there’s no sexual polarity, there’s no sexual attraction, and the vibe of just being a good buddy, a good pal or a good friend comes up. If a guy starts acting like a beta male, being unsure of himself, putting himself down or complaining, the sexual attraction instantly evaporates.) I decided to finally listen to my gut instinct (I’ve come to learn, your feelings are your truth. Listening to your gut and trusting that is really hard, because you’re supposed to do what’s “reasonable” or what’s expected of you. You’re supposed to conform and be like everybody else, but that just makes you miserable), and just try a different kind of life. He didn’t seem to have done anything that could be labeled as wrong. He was loyal, helpful, nice and a good father. (On paper, that sounds great.) Even though he still demanded an explanation for the divorce. I could not give him any specific thing that would make sense to him or to me. On the surface, he was the perfect man, by romantic comedy standards. I felt like a failure for not being able to be in love with this very nice, attractive man. (Again, if a dude’s not centered in his masculine energy, it’s just not going to be there.) During our marriage, I became his best friend, he had no other friends, his shrink, he suffered from depression and lack of self confidence, and so did I, his cheerleader, I convinced him to get his master’s degree, his nurse, his mom, his everything! (So instead of being an equal, a teammate and a partner, he made you his mommy, he made you his nurse, and he made you his therapist. He probably sought approval, wanted you to tell him what to do, more than likely, he probably had a domineering mother, and if his father was around, he was probably dominated by the mother. Women love a man who has a fucking spine and stands up for himself.) I went from being a very sexy woman to a very unhappy and frigid one who had to think and operate like a man. Still, I chose to engage in sex to preserve and build up his fragile ego. I hoped that all this “love” would eventually turn him into the man I really needed, I really wanted, a strong and confident man, who I could adore and rely on and have amazing playful sex with; (In other words, you tried to fix him. You either love somebody as they are and assume that, more than likely, they probably aren’t going to change too much, and you accept that as the way they are, or you keep searching), after all he was the father of my children. But like you say, “a woman doesn’t want to teach a man how to be a man.” I lost a lot of respect for him, and secretly resented him for being such a pussy!
My breaking point came when I decided to go to respiratory therapy school to help our financial situation. The pressure of school, plus taking care of 2 small children and falling asleep almost every night listening to him talk for hours about his job took a huge toll on me. (His making you his therapist and his mommy was not attractive.) I felt like I had 3 children instead of 2. I became deeply depressed and suicidal at the thought of being in this marriage for the rest of my life. (That’s where most people are in life. As Tony Robbins says, “Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.” If you don’t think you’re worthy and deserving of waking up every day and doing something you love for a living, you’re going to make excuses for your shitty job, your shitty relationship or the fact that you’re out of shape or you don’t have enough money. But if you’re dissatisfied with it and you say, I’ve had enough of this shit and I’m going to do something to change this, you decide to do something about it and you actually take action, that’s what’s going to influence where you end up 5, 10, 15 years from now.) I had nothing else to give, my tank was empty and I left. (After 15 years, he doesn’t get it and he doesn’t do anything to try and improve it. With this particular guy, he may never do anything about it.)
Your work has been invaluable for me to understand that there wasn’t something wrong with me. I wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn’t wrong to feel how I felt. (I totally agree with that. You deserve to be happy. You gave the guy 15 years, and he didn’t step up.) I have been able to reclaim my femininity, and I have had some fucking amazing sex now that I have been with men that have those qualities and skills that my ex husband lacked and that you are teaching other men to develop. None of my love affairs has materialized to a lasting relationship, but I’m having fun rediscovering sex and still working on improving myself. (I think that’s fucking awesome. Repetition is the mother of skill. You’re getting better, and you’re changing your paradigm by having these new experiences.) I’m dealing with my depression, taking better care of myself and honing in on the kind of woman I want to be. Also, I’m learning from you how to weed out the weak from strong, to have emotional self control and avoid being in a fearful state. So thanks coach. You are truly appreciated! Keep it coming. (Thanks for the story and congratulations to you for finally having the courage to leave. If you take better care of yourself, and you become happier and more balanced, at least you are doing what you need to do in order to be a great example to your kids.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The outer world tends to match our inner world. How we view ourselves will determine how other people view us as well. When we see ourselves as being amazing and deserving, we will act accordingly and attract people who will reinforce and vibe with our perception. When we see ourselves as being undesirable and undeserving, we will act accordingly and attract people who validate this perception as well. When we love and accept ourselves, we allow others to love us. When we don’t love and accept ourselves, not only will we not allow others to love us, but also deep down, we won’t believe anything good that they see or acknowledge about us. We push away those who are not in harmony with our self-perception and attract those who are. Choose your self-talk and thoughts wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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