Breaking Up For The Wrong Reasons?

How to know when is a good time to break up, and when you simply need to be patient and let things develop.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got butt-hurt because his girlfriend of about two months didn’t make him enough of a priority in his eyes. He dated her casually on and off for his freshman year of college. Then they got serious in his sophomore year, but he broke it off because he felt he wasn’t enough of a priority to her.

Now he is starting to regret his decision and asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What I liked about this is it just brings up the kind of issue that everybody gets faced with in the dating world. And a lot of people settle. A lot of people settle for the first thing that comes along. It’s okay, it’s average, it’s not really spectacular. That person’s not really knocking your socks off, and vice versa. And so things are good, but they’re not great. There’s obviously things missing. And the less experience you have, the more inclined you are to stick around in these situations. But the more experience you have, especially when you’ve had connections that are way better and more intense, you may be more inclined to move on.

After he ended up breaking it off with her, because he didn’t feel he’s enough of priority, now he’s starting to think, “Did I do the right thing?” And this is something that I know I definitely experienced and wrote about it in How To Be A 3% Man many years ago. When you don’t have a lot of experience, you don’t have experience to draw upon to make good, intelligent, informed decisions. That’s why it’s good to find people that have more experience and actually have good experience that can give you good advice.

Talking about serendipity when you meet people, when it’s a woman that you’re going to date and you just feel like you’ve known each other forever, and it’s easy, and it’s effortless – she’s really easy to talk to, for her, you’re easy to talk to as well, and the conversation just flows naturally – you never feel like you’re trying to force things. You never feel like you’re trying to force being with them. It’s the same thing with your closest friends. It’s just easy. You feel like you naturally blend together.

But you never know when these kinds of connections are going to come along, and they always come out of left field, totally out of the blue, when you least expect it. And if you’re going through a period of time where you’re kind of in between those connections, it’s hard to wait. It’s hard to hold out, especially as you’re getting older and the years roll by, you think, “It’s never going to happen for me. Well, I guess this is good enough. I’ll just stick around and hope it gets better.”

A lot of people are faced with that situation. I know I was, and I wrote about it in How To Be A 3% Man. It’s really tough, especially when you’re young. Like this guy, he’s in college, and he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know yet.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I hope you’re doing well! I’m emailing about a situation regarding my girlfriend of two months who I recently broke up with. The background is as follows. I met her last year in my first year of college, and we dated casually on and off throughout the year.

It was their first time away from home. It sounds like a friends with benefits, sex playmate, nothing really too serious. It’s just kind of there. Nothing spectacular, just kind of average. A lot of people get into this situation, they’re like, “Well, I guess this is as good as it’s going to get.” They get married and there’s no passion, there’s no heart. There’s no emotionally compelling feelings that come internally that cause you to feel like, “This is exactly who I’ve been waiting on.”

When the school year ended, we both went home to different states, so there was no communication for several months.

So, you didn’t even talk for several months. What does that tell you? Neither one of you really cared. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. It’s like, “Hey, thanks for the sex.” Other than that, it was a casual hookup. It’s a nice thing to get experience with when you’re young, but it’s not somebody you want to make perpetual permanent life decisions with.

When we both got back to school this year, she reached out to me and I set up a date. On that first date back, she kept hinting at wanting exclusivity, or so I thought. But thinking back to it, that was probably not the case, given the situation. The date went well though. I took her out and we hooked up, but as I was dropping her off, she brought up something about exclusivity again, so I went into it a little more and we decided to become exclusive that same night. 

So, you spent the whole freshman year kind of casually hooking up, not really serious. And you liked each other so much, neither one of you reached out the whole summer. And then you get back to school, she’s lonely, you’re lonely. She reaches out to you. You hang out, you have fun, you hook up, and you’re like, “Okay, let’s be in a relationship now.” There’s no passion, there’s no heart, there’s no soul in that. It’s going to be hard to sustain when it’s just “Eh.”

You’re going to make your best effort at things you love and enjoy, and also with the people you love and enjoy most. Just like your closest friends, you’re going to make the most effort to be with them. Like, one of my closest friends, whenever we talk, I mean, there’s times when we might not see each other for a month, month and a half, but whether he reaches out or I reach out, we’re always like, “Man, I can’t wait to get together and catch up,” and we always really look forward to that.

He says the same thing to me, and it’s really nice to have a close friend who’s just as excited to hang out with you, and catch up, and tell you everything that’s been going on in their lives, and vice versa. And the reality is, with most people, most friends, if you will, it’s just not going to be that way.

The following two months of dating, she got to the point of doing 100% of the reaching out after about 2-3 weeks. We still only saw each other 1-2 times a week, since she would take a few days to reach out after each date. Her interest level was around a 7-8 throughout the last month and a half of dating.

So, it never really got into the stratosphere. If you’re following the interest level table or the chapter called “It’s All In the Numbers” in “How To Be A 3% Man,” with that amount of time together, all freshman year of hooking up, and then these two months, you just look at her actions. She’s not crazy about you, you’re not crazy about her, you both kind of settled. I mean, that’s the reality. It doesn’t mean you’ve got to be with this person forever.

Things never picked up from there and we still only saw each other 1-2 times a week, with the only contact being her reaching out and me setting a date every few days. However, when I did see her, she was very affectionate, and the sex was good. I realize that I shouldn’t have gotten exclusive with her when I had, since she wasn’t at that level of emotional commitment when we first hung out earlier this year.

That would be accurate. Especially if she brings up being exclusive. I’d be like, “Well, we didn’t see each other all summer, and neither one of us reached out, so let’s just see where it goes.” That’s what I would have said. I wouldn’t have agreed to get exclusive.

I don’t know if she would’ve been able to fall in love with me without space for her feelings to develop. Things came to an end when I dropped her off after we went to the gym one day, I asked her what she was doing that night, and she said she was hanging out with friends. I thought to myself, why would she rather spend the night with her friends after not spending one with me in 4 days?

Probably because she had plans with them, and she’s keeping her word. That’s kind of a silly reason to get butt-hurt.

She texted me about half an hour later saying that she did actually want to hang out, but by then I had thought things through and decided that throughout our relationship so far, I hadn’t been a priority to her like I should be if we were to be exclusive.

Well, you can’t expect her just to ditch her friends because you’ve decided you want to see her tonight. That’s not how this works, dude. But the other thing you’ve got to keep in mind is, after all this time you spent with each other – all of last year, then the two months you’ve been seeing each other one or two times a week since you got back to school – it seems like something’s missing. There’s no real passion. It’s like, you guys aren’t dying to see one another. It’s not like you can’t get enough of one another.

So, I told her what was on my mind and decided to break things off with her. However, I am now having second thoughts about it since I don’t know if her feelings could have still developed, and I really did enjoy being with her. What do you think I should do?

Thanks for your help and all that you do!!

Bob

That’s the million dollar question. You’re going to have to put your big boy pants on to figure that out. But if you take a step back, can you see yourself spending years and years with this woman, having kids with her? If you did have kids with her, what do you think your kids’ opinion would be of your relationship? “Wow, it’s pretty spectacular. They really care about one another, really love one another. I really hope to have a relationship like my parents have someday.” Or is it “Eh, Dad married his fuck buddy.”

I can’t answer that. Only you know what you feel. But the fact that you spent all this time together freshman year and it was just “Eh,” then you got together and after two months you were so willing to to ditch her? It’s really kind of silly. I mean, you just can’t expect her to blow her friends off, and then when she doesn’t willingly blow her friends off that she had plans with, that you’re going to break up with her. That’s kind of silly, too.

But by the same token, you weren’t dying to be with her either. So, if you were willing to casually toss her aside, you weren’t that into her either. You have to look at your actions and her actions, and I don’t see any incredible passion. All I see is it looks like two people that just kind of settled for one another. I mean, have the guts to apply what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” and find somebody else. Find somebody who sets your soul on fire, and vice versa.

But that’s not going to happen if you’ve just settled. Because, while you’re in a relationship with someone that’s mediocre, and you have mediocre interest, and vice versa, you’re not open to meeting anybody new. So, that spectacular kind of relationship that you dream about, where you have a spectacular connection, there’s no space in your life for it, so you’re not going to meet that person.

And it’s also possible that someone like that does come along, and you click and you connect on that kind of a level, but because you’re in a relationship with somebody that you settled for, you can’t really take advantage of it. So, you really have to decide what’s most important to you. Is this the kind of relationship that ultimately, maybe someday you’d want to have kids?

And what would your kids think of that relationship? Will they be like, “Wow, mom and dad really love each other?” Or, “Yeah, mom and dad are just kind of roommates and not really that into one another”? Because whatever example you set at home is what your kids are going to grow up to emulate. So, you’ve got to think about that. And nobody can make that decision for you. Only you know it’s in your heart.

But if I look at the actions of both people here, it just looks like two people that have kind of settled with their their fuck buddy from freshman year. I mean, being a sophomore in college, you are around more people that are single and attractive that are your age than you’re ever going to be around in your entire life. And so, you should be playing the field. You should be seeing what else is out there.

You should be developing your body. You should be growing your friendships. You should be out having a good time and looking to meet and date as many different people, so you can get some experience. Because a lot of people do this, they just settle for the first thing that comes along, and it’s never really that spectacular. And since it’s not spectacular and their emotions aren’t engaged, they’re just not going to put their best foot forward. And if you don’t put your best foot forward, eventually it’s going to fizzle out anyway. And what’s your motivation to take care of yourself or to work out or or to go for your dreams when everything’s mediocre in your life, or the person you’re with, you have mediocre interest in, and vice versa?

I’m all about the woman of your dreams. That’s in the title of the book, not “How to settle and turn your average fuck buddy into a girlfriend so you can have a mediocre life.” That’s not what the book is about. It’s to have something spectacular, the kind of relationship that your friends go, “Wow, they’re amazing together. I’m really glad that that dude waited.” Or, “I have hope for my life because my friend is doing so well with his girl. She adores him, and they have a blast together, and they’re a cool people, and they’re fun to be around.” I don’t see any of that, there’s no vibe of that at all. So, you’ve got some things to consider, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. People whose goals, values and life paths are aligned with your own tend to be easy and effortless to be with. Things just feel natural and like they are meant to be. These kinds of connections will be the exception to the rule and are extremely rare. Most other people will come and go, and the connections will simply not be or feel as strong. What’s meant for you won’t miss you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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