Some things to consider if you are dating and sleeping with your ex’s best girlfriend after a breakup.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started hooking up with one of his ex’s best girlfriends. Once she found out they were seeing each other, it led to the end of their friendship. However, he is focused on his mission and purpose and doesn’t want anything serious.
He asks what to do to maintain the friends with benefits relationship without her getting too attached. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
A lot of guys come to me, they’re trying to get their ex back, and then they get them back successfully. And at some point, before the breakup happens, the guy realizes she’s not what he really wants, and he stops putting his best foot forward. He doesn’t really care, he’s not really putting in the effort. And then, she breaks up with him, because women, typically 75% of the time, do the breaking up. So, he gets her back, and then it’s his decision to break up and go the other way.
In this viewer’s story, come to find out, one of her best girlfriends also liked him. It was kind of a neat, cheeky way in how they started hooking up. And this guy is focused on his mission and his purpose in life. He’s like, “I’m not really looking for a relationship. I’d like to just kind of keep her as a friends with benefits. How do I do that without her getting too attached?”
This is one of those satisfying things, especially if you had a bad breakup. You’ve probably heard the old saying, “don’t get mad, get even.” It’s kind of a juicy way to do that. You can help each other with your grief therapy.
Hi Coach Corey,
I’ve been a follower of your work since my breakup last year, which left me utterly devastated, after which, I read your book 12 times per the advice of my older brother.
So, you can tell, in the beginning when it first happened, he obviously did not agree with the breakup, he didn’t want it to happen. Because the reality is, even when you get the ex back, nine times out of ten – I wrote about this in “3% Man,” I had the same experience – rejection breeds obsession. And when you’ve been with somebody you’re really emotionally invested in and you get dumped, you’re the dumpee and not the dumper, it hurts. And it makes it a lot easier to get over that person for good if you’re able to attract them back, and then you’re the one that does the dumping.
Because the reality is, even when you get back together, all the things that turned you off about that person, they’re still there. And so, with enough time back together again, you’ll see that and you’ll get turned off for the same reasons as you did before, and you won’t want to put your best foot forward. But, at least this way, emotionally it’s a much easier way to get over it, because then you’re in control. You have the power to end it and leave the relationship, versus somebody dumping you, and then they move on quickly after that. And it takes a lot longer to get over them when you’ve been the one kicked to the curb.
I got my ex back in two months, but after another 2 months together I suggested we end things for good.
The reality is, that just feels a lot better than him having never gotten the chance. Because if he had never gotten the chance to get back together with her, then he would have had this negative perception of what happened in the relationship, and it’s completely a false memory, if you will. But this way, he gets to get back together with her, he’s at choice, if you will. And then when he decides to end it, it’s also his choice to end it.
Guess I had a deeper understanding of what I really wanted. I changed careers, and slowly worked my way back into dating. Casually hooking up with numerous girls after the bars on weekends, having two relationships between November and February simultaneously, even scoring my first threesome on New Year’s Eve with some girls from out of state.
Nice. See, these are the kinds of things that happen when you start applying what’s in “3% Man.” Because the reality is, and this was something I didn’t understand when I was younger, nature has already taken care of attraction. And, as a guy, there’s women that you’re going to click with that are going to like you, and all you have to do is show up.
But what happens most of the time is that us guys, especially when you look at societal conditioning, what’s on TV, what’s in the movies, we display a lot of really unattractive behavior. And so, we screw up those good opportunities, because we’re constantly communicating that we don’t feel we’re worthy, and we don’t deserve to be with them, or we’re communicating weakness and being unsure of ourselves, which is a total turnoff. And so, this way, when you apply what’s in the book, you don’t screw those opportunities up. You get to experience them.
You need experiences. You need to date enough different people, so you kind of see what’s out there in the dating pool. Like the video newsletter I did yesterday, “Fear of Missing Out (FOMO ),” that particular guy had one girlfriend his whole life, it was the only woman he’s ever been with. But his girlfriend had several relationships before him, and so, she had a lot more experience than he did. So, she was content to be in a relationship, whereas he really didn’t have any choices other than her.
I’ve recently decided to focus more on my career after landing an amazing job in security system sales where I can make more money than I ever thought I would at 24 years old. All I can say is your work has changed my life, and I can’t begin to tell you how much it has helped me out.
That’s why I also recommend that you guys read “Mastering Yourself.” It’s all about purpose, mission, discovering your true calling in life, and everything I went through. Because you go through phases in life. You might do something for 10 or 15 years, and after that, you just don’t have the same internal enthusiasm. And so, you’ve got to transition out of the old and then transition into the new. And there is a process to that. Because the idea is, as a man, you’re always trying to optimize your life and improve things throughout it.
I’ve run across a unique situation and would love to have your perspective. A few weeks back, I ran into one of my ex’s best friends I have frequently ran into at the gym. About 3 weeks back, I invited her out with my group to the bars, and as fortune would have it, we saw my ex.
She and her “amazing” friends saw us deep in conversation, which led to a lot of drama and ultimately ended their friendship after some harsh words between the two over text.
She didn’t like that very much. At this at this point, your ex is the dumpee, because the second time around you dumped her. And then she sees you with one of her best girlfriends. That went over like a lead balloon. But on some level, it was probably satisfying, because she obviously did a lot of things he didn’t like. Hey, what’s wrong with keeping it all in the family, anyway? If you truly love somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. That’s a really hard concept to accept, especially for somebody that’s emotionally attached, but that’s the right way to love. “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
Anyway, although I have always been attracted to this girl, out of respect for my ex I never pursued anything. That is until I accidentally left my phone at her apartment on accident before we and friends went out to the bars last Saturday. I realized I had left my phone at her place when I got to the out of the Uber at our destination. She and I decided to grab tacos before heading back to her place to get it.
Uh-huh, sure. Such a mysterious chain of events.
So, we went back, I got my phone and asked her if I could use her guestroom instead of driving home after heavy drinking. As I started to fall asleep, I was woken up as she began crawling into bed with me. It was on like Donkey Kong, and something about how wrong it felt made it some of the best sex I’ve ever had.
Well, you wanted to do it anyway, but you felt guilty. You knew. I mean, obviously, after the drama that evening, that’s kind of exciting. And the reality is it felt good. I’ve said that in some of the some of the videos I did with Caroline, some of the shorter ones that are on Instagram TV. If a girl dumps you or rejects you, go hit on her best friend, go sleep with her best friend. It feels good. It’s good for you, it’s good for her. And, obviously, the ex, it gives them a taste of a humble pie, especially if they did you dirty. It’s just satisfying. Hey, all’s fair in love and war, as they say.
We even opened up to each other about the underlying sexual tension that has always existed between us.
Nice. Post nut clarity.
Now we are in a tough spot. Many people saw us leave together and I’m sure word has gotten back to my ex. The issue I’m facing is that, although I don’t want anything serious at this moment in my life, I really want to keep hooking up with this girl.
Well, the formula says, hang out, have fun, hook up. Your job is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen.
As I’m writing this email, she has a pre-scheduled visit from a guy she is talking to from back home who flew out to see her. I know she would much rather be hanging out with me, but I figure I’ll just leave her alone until he leaves, then resume the business we had started, because she has already asked me to hang out on Friday when he is gone. I’ve never had a friends with benefits relationship before, but I think this might be my first. How do I initiate hookups and hangouts without leading her on too much?
Radical honesty. Just tell her, “Hey, I’m not looking for a relationship. I really like you. I like hanging out, I love hooking up, the sex is amazing, you’re a lot of fun. It’s kind of naughty. I know it kind of torks my ex off, but you know what? She’s kind of a bitch, and she deserves it. She deserves a little humble pie. But I’m not looking for anything serious,” having that open type of dialogue and being honest with her. I mean, she’s got another guy flying in to see her. That’s the thing you’re kind of ignoring here. So, you shouldn’t be feeling guilty. This dude’s flying in to see her, he’s going to stay at her house. He’s probably going to rearrange her insides. And then, obviously, when you see her on Friday, she’s going to tell you all about everything that happened between the two of them.
I would never write off dating this girl in the future, but I’m truthfully focusing too much on my career right now to commit to someone, especially with all this outside drama and judgement surrounding us. Any advice?
“Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush.” You can tell he’s a little worried. He’s walking on eggshells, “I don’t want to screw it up. I don’t want her to get mad at me.” It’s like, dude, she has another guy flying in to see her, so you’re not the only guy in her bed. It’s possible this guy comes in and she doesn’t sleep with him. You don’t know. Or maybe she does and the sex is bad. Whatever happens, she’ll probably tell you about it the next time you’re laying naked in bed together. So, I wouldn’t feel guilty.
Where guys get themselves into trouble with this is when they give the girl the impression that she’s the only one they’re dating or interested in and let her think that they’re in a relationship when they’re really not, because they’re afraid of losing her. And so, the best way to handle this is radical honesty. It’s like, if you don’t want to commit, you’ve got to say, “I’m not going to commit to her.”
That was the big lesson that I learned in “3% Man.” That’s how I ended up getting into my first marriage. I didn’t have the balls to say what I really wanted to say. And the next thing you know, a couple of years later, I’m married to her, when deep down, I wasn’t feeling it. And yet, everybody convinced me I just had cold feet. But it didn’t feel like I had cold feet. It just felt like I wanted a date for a while and I should have moved on. But when you’re younger and you don’t know any better, you’ve got to learn these things the hard way. And I learned it the hard way.
So, the best thing to do is to be honest. You may get to the point where she falls in love with you, especially if you’re applying what’s in “3% Man.” And then, she’s going to want you all to herself, and then you can say yay or nay. It may get to the point where it’s too difficult for her to stay involved with you if you’re not going to commit to her, and it may end at some point. But the best thing that you can do is you’ve got to be honest. You can to tell her exactly where you’re at. Quite frankly, it’s probably going to make her pursue you harder, because now you’re kind of unattainable, and you’re a challenge to her. So, she’s going to be on extra good behavior to win you over.
I’ve had many phone sessions that I’ve done over the years. I had one in the past few months with a guy that was interested in somebody else and really liked this particular girl, they worked together. And then he was also hooking up with another girl from the same company that he worked at. And she was really cool too, but he was way into the other girl. But the other girl was more aloof and things were just not progressing. Well, I just heard back from him recently, and the girl he was just kind of casually hooking up with, that he really liked, but there was the other girl he really super liked, the one he chose to be with was the one he was just kind of casually hooking up, because she made it so good for him. She was so easygoing, so easy to be with, and she was really into him, and the other one just wasn’t reciprocating the effort.
So, this kind of solved itself. The girl made it so good for him, he’s like, “Okay, let’s be boyfriend and girlfriend then.” She convinced him. Again, just like one of my favorite old time movies, “It’s A Wonderful Life.” That’s what you see in the movie is that Donna Reed’s character has her heart set on George Bailey, Jimmy Stewart’s character, and the whole movie is kind of like the love story of how they got together and how she just enchanted him. And even though he was like, “I don’t want anything to do with this,” just like this guy, “I’ve got my purpose, my mission. I’ve got things I’m going to accomplish. I’m not settling down,” if the girl makes it so awesome for you, and she’s beautiful, she’ll become more beautiful to you over time.
That’s what happened with this other client of mine. It’s not that he didn’t like the girl he was hooking up with, because it was just easygoing, easy to to get along with the girl and be with her. But the other one, there was just a lot more friction. When you’ve got somebody that’s easygoing, easy to get along with, the sex is great, and then you get all of this friction over here, over time you get tired of the friction and you just kind of follow the path of least resistance. It just kind of worked itself out.
And now, they’re both very happy. It’s just beautiful how it comes together. It’s like, everything kind of starts out as a casual love affair. And that’s basically what happened. So, who knows? You may be surprised. The two of you might end up together and live happily ever after. And who knows, maybe the ex will end up with somebody else, and she’ll realize that the two of you weren’t really meant for each other, and she’ll be happy for you guys. That’s totally possible as well. But at the end of the day, as the man, just create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up.
So, if you’ve got a challenge or a sticky situation, something like this, and you’re not sure what to do, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“All relationships tend to start out as unattached casual romantic affairs. Finding someone who is easygoing, easy to be with, fun to be around, drama free, who you love spending time with and who also loves spending time with you, is rare and worth the wait if you’re going to date long-term. It’s important to make sure the person you choose to be romantically involved with also chooses you and makes a mutual effort. Way too many people settle for the first thing that comes along and often regret it later, feel like they have become trapped, and stay out of guilt or fear they won’t find someone better.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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