In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose girlfriend basically breaks up with him every time after they have an argument. He tends to call, text and pursue to try and get her to work things out. She typically ignores his phone calls, messages and texts for a period of time before she starts answering him, and they inevitably get back together. He says she has broken up with him more times than he can count or remember. One time when they were broken up for about three months, she started dating and became engaged to another guy. The other guy turned out to be jerk, she contacted him again and they eventually got back together. She often tends to pressure him to get married and start having babies with him. However, due to her behavior, he is obviously very hesitant to seriously consider getting married and having children with her. He is fearful that their most recent breakup and her ignoring him means that this time it is over for good. He asks me my opinion.
I’ve been following your work for a while. You have confirmed much of what I already have known and been told by wiser than me in the past. What’s good about what you teach is, you break it down for the simple male to be able to easily understand. Anyway, I’ve been dating this girl off and on for almost three years. She is a great woman except for a few things that really make me shy away. (Sometimes only one or two character flaws are enough to make that a deal breaker. At the end of the day, you can’t fall in love with somebody’s potential and ignore the fact that their flaws make your life a living hell.) She wants to be pregnant and married really badly and really fast. As a result, she tends to at times, interrupt the natural flow of the relationship and pressure me to that end. The other thing she does is use breakups as a training tool of sorts against me. (This is the kind of woman who will use you as a sperm donor and a provider. Once she has the kids, since she doesn’t give a shit about you anyway, no more sex for you.) For example, after any argument we have, she breaks up with me behind it.
She will then proceed to ignore my calls for a certain period of time. (Never chase after somebody that unilaterally ends your relationship, especially in her case where she’s punishing you by breaking up with you.) When she does respond, she responds by going off about whatever it was that caused her to run in the first place. Mind you, she broke up with me once for cheating, not sexual, but for simply having a phone conversation with another woman. That was the only breakup I felt was legitimate. She threw it in my face all the time, and I never felt she forgave me, so we eventually broke up for about two to three months. During that time, she dated and was engaged to marry another guy. (When a woman does something like that, she’s looking to jump right into the same level of intimacy with someone else.) He was a complete jerk to her, so I think at some point, she realized I wasn’t all that bad, slowly she began to talk to me again, and we subsequently got back together. Of course, obviously she didn’t trust me, so it went okay for a while until I went away for a weekend and missed a few phone calls. I did, however, call back within two hours of the missed calls. She said, instead of doing what I was doing, I should have been there with her, since she was sick with a stomach virus. (This is an insecure, manipulative and controlling woman.) I had already explained to her that I wouldn’t be there that weekend, she lives 2 1/2 hours away, and I didn’t think it was a good idea since I have a 12-year old that could get sick and take the illness back to her school. (You did the right thing.) When I did answer the phone, she had me put my daughter on to prove that she was with me and I wasn’t just out doing whatever, I suppose. The next day, she texted me and said she never wanted to see me again, not to message or try to contact her in any way, and that it was over for good. (Don’t ever chase after somebody who treats you this way. If they do come back, they need to apologize and make the commitment that they are going to talk things out.)
In following your teaching, I know you are going to say, simply don’t contact her, date other women, and move on with my life. And I realize that is the best thing to do. It’s very hard though, because I really do love her, so of course I tried to call her in hopes we could talk and repair what had been lost. (You know what you should do, but you’re choosing not to help yourself. You are enabling her behavior.) She ignored the call and text, and she didn’t respond. She has broken up with me, I cant even count the amount of times, but I feel this time she is serious and won’t be back. (If you don’t have any self respect, a woman won’t respect you. And if a woman doesn’t respect you, she will never love you.) I don’t know what I did to her that was so wrong. (It’s not your job to fix her. She needs a therapist to help her out with her problem.) I guess if I could just understand that part, I would feel better. She just completely shut down and will not talk at all, period. I must say, it is wearing heavily on my mind and I need help. (If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, you’ll keep getting the same results. Make the decision to have something better. Keep circulating until you meet someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.)
My Response to Him:
It’s obvious that your ex girlfriend is very insecure and controlling. You don’t help matters by pursuing, calling and texting her after she pushes you away. Her behavior is rude, disrespectful and manipulative. When she dumps you and you pursue her, you are enabling her behavior and inviting her to continue treating you this way. As you’ve probably heard me say many times, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You need to have some self respect and not chase after somebody who treats you this way. You put your daughter first by not exposing her to your sick girlfriend. That was the right decision on your part, and you should not second guess it. It’s almost impossible to have an easy and effortless relationship with a woman like your ex girlfriend because of her needy and insecure flaws. The fact that she’s not a good communicator and just shuts down to you is a character flaw that is not your responsibility to fix. You would be better served to find a woman who has a healthy self esteem and who communicates in a loving way to work things out. You deserve better. You are correct that you should do nothing and wait to hear from her. I would move on with your life as if it’s over and you’ll never hear from her again. If she does try to come back in the future, I would make it clear to her if I were you, that unless she makes a commitment to communicate with you like an adult, that you are not interested in giving her another chance. You should use this article and video as a guide on how you should proceed going forward if she does contact you: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” She should do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from now on. Never chase after somebody who treats you this way. It’s demeaning.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Ninety five percent of your happiness or your misery is going to come from the person or the people who you choose to spend your life with. The quality of your life is always going to be in direct proportion to the quality of the people who you allow in your life, and who you consistently spend your time with. If you want your personal and professional life to be effortless and drama-free, you should only choose to spend your time with people who communicate in a loving, authentic and open manner to positively resolve differences and problems by talking them out. Toxic people, and those who constantly create drama, should be avoided and deleted permanently from your life and social circle. Why? They tend to constantly blow a gasket when upset, ignore you on purpose, leave problems or disagreements unresolved and generally act like a five year old throwing a temper tantrum.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne