Breakups, No Contact & Why Rejection Breeds Obsession

Why rejection breeds obsession and makes you care more than you really do after no contact.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for 5 years. Just over a month ago he broke things off with a woman he’d been seeing for 8 months. He wasn’t feeling it and she wanted a relationship so he broke things off. A month later when he didn’t find someone better, he now claims he wants her back. He tried but she said no because he was pretty adamant he was over it when he dumped her. She says she has now removed herself emotionally and isn’t feeling it anymore. He told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. Now he wants to break no contact to prove his interest in her is real and probably beg and plead with her to give him another chance. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s members only newsletter is, Breakups, No Contact & Why Rejection Breeds Obsession.”

This particular email is from a viewer who has been following my work for five years, and just over a month ago, he broke things off with a woman that he’d been seeing for about eight months. He said he wasn’t feeling it. She wanted a relationship. He’s just like, “Yeah, I’m just not into it.” And he broke it off and he was pretty clear about it on a couple of occasions. Well, about a month or so goes by and he’s like, “Oh, I really screwed up. I need to get her back. I lost the love of my life.”

What’s really going on, in my opinion, is that he didn’t find anybody better, and now he’s worried and he’s fearful. So he thinks by going back to the girl he didn’t want before, is going to somehow now make him happy, and he’s going to want to stay with her. And what happens, because I did the same thing myself in My Book. It’s like, when you get a woman like that back, it’s like usually within 90 days, six months at the most, you end up breaking up with her and breaking her heart all over again. Because everything that turned you off about her and everything that caused her just not to knock your socks off and not to be in love with her.

In other words, she just didn’t do it for you. It’s not fair for her, for you to go back to somebody because you’re trying to settle or you’re afraid that you’re not going to meet anybody better. Because, you know, if she was really that great and really that spectacular, you wouldn’t have dumped her. And you wouldn’t have said the things that you said. But rejection breeds obsession. So he broke No Contact and a month later wanted to get back with her.

And she’s like, “Yeah, no, I’m not feeling it anymore. I’ve checked out emotionally. I’m over it. I don’t want to get back together.” He’s like, “Hey, call me if you change your mind.” But now you’re like, he’s like, “Well, I got to prove that I really like her. And prove that I’m serious. I want to break No Contact. And start chasing and pursuing her to convince her to give me another chance.” But when you do that. Still, you can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t feel. Everything that turned you off about her. It’s not like she changed, it’s like, it’ll turn you off again.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work for a over 5 years now – I’ve read your book over 8 times.

Well, if you’ve been following me for five years and you still ain’t got through The Book eight times, it tells me you’re not really that serious of a student. And after all, the title of The Book is “Woman Of Your Dreams” not How to settle for some Mediocre Woman that doesn’t do it for you.

I have a situation which I’d love your advice on. Just over a month ago, I ended things with a girl who I’d been dating just under 8 months. The courtship / dating was a great experience I allowed her to naturally pursue me as you talk about and she was a stunning woman, it really is amazing how the embodiment of masculine energy can have such an attractive effect on the feminine.

I just stuck on my path, purpose and she followed suite. I think my teenage self wouldn’t believe it if I’m being honest – It’s something I’ve tried to work on a lot! However, I decided to stop things short of a relationship, as at the time I felt it was something I wasn’t really ready for.

A woman that knocks your socks off, you’re not going to be going, “Oh, yeah, I’m not ready for a relationship. Yeah, I think I’m gonna break up with you.” You break up with women you’re not that into. That’s a fact of life. Women don’t dump men that they’re in love with. They dump men that they’ve lost attraction and respect for. Or we’re never really that into in the first place.

I am 31, a very independent guy always have been, I pursue my work, hobbies and interests with a passion. When I met this girl I genuinely wasn’t really of the mind to settle down, I’d been mainly just dating the last few years – But before I knew it 8 months had passed!

You read the story in The Book about my English ex girlfriend, Katie. There are videos, obviously in the members area that you can watch my interview with her, and you guys can see that 20 years later, our chemistry and our rapport, it’s so obvious. And that’s not something you can fake. That’s not something that happens with just bumping into random people on the street every day. We have a genuine soul connection. I never had any doubt of my interest or that I wanted to be with her when I met her.

Never, ever had any doubt I was 100% certain. Obviously, the relationship ultimately ended, which for the reasons we discussed in the videos, you know, our lives are going in two different directions. And she lived in the UK, I lived in the US. And I was just starting a new business, and I was not in a place where I was ready to settle down and get married. As awesome as she was, she was going to college.

He was going to take 6 or 7 years for her to finish, and I was starting a new business, and I had no idea when it was going to take off. I really had no idea. If you guys have read Mastering Yourself the Ordeal that I was in for to figure out my business model. But the point being, as much as we loved each other and as great and as effortless as our relationship was, where we were in our lives at the time was just not conducive to being together.

And also, what was interesting about that is it was literally exactly a decade after I was in the same position with my ex-wife, where I wasn’t feeling like I wanted to get married or it was the right thing to do at that time, but I did it anyway. Because I let people talk me into it. And you’ve got to trust, as Steve Jobs said, “Your heart, your curiosity and your intuition.” Because they somehow already know what you want to become.

Interestingly enough she never pressured me or brought up the topic of a relationship in all that time.

Well, if you’re dating a girl for eight months and she never brings up, where is this going? What are we then she was never in love with you. She was never as into it as you thought. That’s just a fact of life. If you’re such a good student as you like to claim you are, then she would have been in love with you by week six or seven. And that obviously never happened.

Although we did have a talk after 3 months in, of dating exclusively. We had a loving interaction where I told her my stance and she affirmed she wanted a relationship, so we ended things – A text exchange ensued over the next week after where I just re-affirmed my decision and we left it there.

So multiple times you’re like, yeah, I’m not feeling it. You never were feeling it. You were never that into it. And quite frankly, neither was she. She never fell in love with you, and she never tried to lock you down. And you kept telling her, “Hey, I don’t want to be in a relationship.

I’m not feeling it.” You can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t feel. And a woman with a high self-esteem is going to be like, “You know what? That guy wasn’t into me enough for me to want to go back together with him.”

It hit me about a month after making my decision I had made a big boo boo.

What really probably happened was you couldn’t find anybody better and you’re like, “Oh shit, scarcity. I better do better. I better get her back. I lost the love of my life. Maybe he went on a bad date. It didn’t go well.”

Following your work 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, I reached out to her via text in an attempt to facilitate an in-person meet up. Unfortunately, she declined, her words of the effect “I just don’t feel I am in a place to be able to start seeing you again, your first messages were very final and that was the position I took. So, I have removed myself emotionally.”

That sounds like she objectively looked at it and thought, this guy is not that into me. So therefore, it’s over. You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. A girl, with a healthy self-esteem, as much as she cares, going to be like, “No, I’m out. You weren’t into me enough before. Nothing’s changed.” So that’s awesome. And it’s not fair to her for you to try to fucking waste her time, because you’ll just return to the same place.

I replied by acknowledging her decision, explaining a bit of my reasoning why I made that choice, and letting her know she could contact me if she felt things change. 

My question: The appropriate response is to now move on and not look back (which I am maintaining!), the ball is with her. However, as the dumper – Is this always the best policy and in a case such as this?

Yes. You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. And quite frankly, if you really care for this girl, the loving thing to do is you know what? Let her be. Because if you go trying to claw back and say she does give you another chance, and then three months later you’re going to be dumping her and breaking her heart all over again. That’s a bitch ass move on your part.

What you should do is what you felt at the time, which is you wanted somebody that did it for you. You wanted somebody that lit you up on the inside way more than she did. You want somebody with a great deep connection. Again, I encourage you to watch the video with Katie and me. There’s one there and there’s a second day of filming we’re going to be releasing in the next week or two as well.

And it’s like everybody that’s watched that video is like, “Man, the chemistry is off the charts with you guys.” It’s like, “That’s not something you can fake.” That’s what you should be aspiring to. That’s the kind of connection you should have with your girlfriends. That’s the kind of connection I’m used to having. And you can’t fake it. It’s either there or it’s not. And it wasn’t there. That’s why you ended it. That was the right thinking.

And what happens after the fact is now she’s rejected him and he’s like, “Oh! I’ve got a chase. I got to pursue. I want to do the opposite of your Book, Coach.” Is it really fair to her to do that, to waste her fucking time and break her heart all over again? Just because you’re bitching out and are too scared to go for what you really want. Come on man.

As I realize through my choice, I am the one that’s damaged trust, attraction and desire with this woman.

Well, it takes two people to work things out, and she looked at your behavior and what you said and what you did, and obviously it bothered her by her response. But she’s being very objective. She didn’t want to see you because she doesn’t want to get back together, even though she may feel it. Because she knows how you really feel.

And you should respect that. You should let her be so she can find a guy that she knocks his socks off and vice versa, because it’s obviously not there. It wasn’t there in eight months. I met Katie, she knocked my socks off the instant I saw her. She is still one of the most incredible human beings I have ever met in my life. She’s a gift. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without her. But there was never any doubt about how I felt. I never once felt like this about her.

And I can’t

And plus the rest of the girls like, it was the same thing.

And I can’t help but feel she may want an additional display of effort, proving serious intent on my part before she opens up.

Let the woman heal and move on. Dude, that’s the manly thing to do.

I guess I am questioning the effect of No Contact in this case, yet is this the way it must be? After some wisdom?

Many thanks! 

Bob

It’s like yes, she doesn’t want to make the effort. And quite frankly, it’s not fair of you to try to convince her that you really are serious, because again, it’s like I’ve been doing this for decades. I went through this myself. I wrote about it in The Book, and what’s happened is rejection breeds obsession. And because she said no to you, now it’s puffed up your ego and you’re even more into it. It makes your interest in a woman double when you get rejected. But again, you get her back and what happens? You just dump her for the same reasons and break her heart all over again. And that’s a fucking shitty thing to do. That’s a bitch ass move on a man’s part.

Because I know, and I can tell when somebody’s super into a girl and when they just got mediocre half ass interest, like you’ve kind of had been a mediocre half ass student. You’ve been following me for five years. You barely got through The Book eight times. And you’ve wasted this girl’s time, so don’t waste any more of it. It’s not fair to her. It’s not loving, it’s not nice, it’s not masculine, and it’s not manly, Dude. Come on, let the girl be. Let her go. Go have the balls to find somebody that lights you up on the inside. Because this girl did not do it. You can’t make yourself feel that.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.