Things to consider before bringing a woman into your social circle.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has been following my work for the past five years and read How To Be A 3% Man a dozen times or so. He has been on 7 dates with the same woman over the past 5 weeks but isn’t sure he wants her to be his girlfriend.
He is considering taking her to a group get together with his friends and asks if he should do it, even though she’s not his girlfriend, since my book advises against this. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
They’re not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, and he’s not even sure that he wants her to be his girlfriend. But there’s an event coming up with a bunch of his friends, and he’s thinking about inviting her to that. He asks if he should because, as I discuss in How To Be A 3% Man, until a woman is emotionally bonded to you, until she is in love with you and in an exclusive, monogamous relationship, it’s best to not go out on group dates that involve either your friends and family or her friends and family. And the reason being is that you want to establish a trust and a bond in a relationship between you and her.
And then, if you get together and say you go and hang out with her, and her friends and her girlfriends are there, when she’s not emotionally bonded to you yet, and especially if she has guy ‘friends’ that are part of this group, there is a really good chance that one or more of these guy ‘friends’ are beta male orbiters that are hoping to get their shot at dating her. And, therefore, these guys will actively work to sandbag you and try to cause her to not like you.
And the same thing may happen, maybe you meet one of her girlfriends and you just really don’t like one of her, and that girlfriend happens to be one of her best friends. If she’s not emotionally bonded to you yet, and you don’t get along with her friend or a family member, for that matter, then what can happen is that friend will torpedo your relationship. And since she’s not emotionally bonded to you, she’ll listen to the friend.
And the same thing in your own peer group. You could involve your own peer group, and you might have a guy friend that you think is a friend, because this happens so much, and it turns out your friend actually wants to date and sleep with the girl that you’re with. Or one of your friends who’s a beta male and doesn’t know any better goes up and starts telling this new girl how nothing ever works out for you and girls don’t stick around in your life. And the guy thinks he’s helping you out, but instead, what he’s really communicating is no women like you, or all the women that they’ve seen you involved with before turned out not to want you.
And so, you’ll have a situation where the girl was really into you, and now one of your helpful ‘friends’ just told her, basically, what a loser you are with women. He thinks he’s being helpful, but in reality, he’s making you look weak and undesirable, and that’s going to cause her to back up and lose attraction. So, why take the risk?
Because, at the end of the day, the seduction process, the whole purpose of it is you want to get closer and closer to her until you end up inside of her. And when you have other people around, especially in group date settings before the two of you are a solid couple, you run the risk that outside people can screw things up, or at the worst, create unnecessary drama that creates problems. So, it’s just best and advisable not to do that.
The guy’s basically asking for permission to violate the principles in the book. It’s his life, he can do whatever he wants, but obviously I advise against it. Because, when I was younger and I didn’t know any better, I did this quite a bit. And man, I sandbagged myself unnecessarily so many times until I finally got the message and realized that I just wasn’t going to do that.
I have been following you for the past 5 years and have read your book a dozen or so times.
Obviously, he’s talking about “How To Be A 3% Man,” and if you haven’t read it yet, you can go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, subscribe to the email newsletter, read it for free and try it before you buy it. Because, even if you think I’m full of crap and you don’t believe anything I say, if you apply what is in “How To Be A 3% Man,” it will work for you. You will get better results than you’ve ever gotten before.
And the reason I can give my book away for free is because, once you see that it works, I know you’ll come back and buy a nice hardcover copy or a digital or audio version. And also, you can get my third book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations” for free as well. And you can also read “Mastering Yourself,” a book of self-reliance.
The question I have for you today is in regards to dating and bringing a woman into your social circle. In your book and videos, you discuss group dates and how you shouldn’t do them until she’s your girlfriend.
Well, there’s a reason for that, because I got burned a lot when I was younger. But if you’d rather learn this on your own, the hard way, instead of learning from my experience and fuck-ups, and you want to experience this on your own, by all means, man, bring her on a group date. See how that goes for you. I’ve done countless videos over the years for guys that did exactly what you’re contemplating doing, and it blew up in their face.
I met a girl online, and we’ve gone on 7 dates over the course of the past 5 weeks. You say to bring her onto your fun bus, but at the same time you say no group dates.
Well, the fun bus is you, meaning you’re driving the fun bus. It doesn’t mean there’s other people on the fun bus, necessarily, but it means that you and her are on the fun bus together – meaning you’re the leader, you’re the master of ceremonies, if you will. Because your job as a man in the courtship is to be the leader, to lead her to where you want things to go, which is ultimately the bedroom.
And he’s misinterpreting when I talk about that, thinking that you’re going to bring her on a group date with everybody. So, I don’t know how he can infer that, but obviously the fun bus is a metaphor for her being with you. I mean, I’m not literally metaphorically saying you’re driving a bus. Maybe it’s just your car and it’s you and her. The point being, it’s your fun bus and you’re the driver, you’re the leader. You’re taking her where you want to go, which is ultimately the bedroom at the end of the night.
And if you involve other people that know you, just like I talked about at the beginning of the video, you’re running the risk that one of them, one of her friends or family or one of your friends or family, is going to say something that’s going to make you look weak because they’re trying to be helpful.
I mean, think about it; we all have families, right? How many of you like every single person in your family? And how many of you have people in your family you don’t like it all? Exactly. So, it’s unrealistic to think that if you’re meeting ten of her friends and family, that all ten of them are going to absolutely love you and think you’re just awesome. Why take the risk? Always look at your downside risk. It’s just not worth it, especially if you really like the girl and you don’t want to screw things up.
So, I’m wondering if it’s okay to bring her to a venue where a few of my friends and acquaintances will be.
Again, I would suggest against it, because you never know. Why create a situation where you can get cockblocked, especially if things are going well. Because the point being is, when she’s in love with you, she’s emotionally bonded to you. When a woman is in love with you, she’ll defend you to her friends and family and your friends and family when they talk shit about you or say, “Oh, I don’t like that guy.”
But if she’s not in love with you, and she’s uncertain because it’s still new, then those other people can put things into her head where she goes, “Well, maybe there is something to it.” Because we make our decisions based upon emotions, and we use logic and reason to justify those decisions. And if her emotions are not high enough, meaning she’s not in love with you, then there is the chance that somebody else that she respects and admires and does have strong emotions for – maybe it’s a close friend or family member she’s obviously known her whole life – then she’s going to be more inclined to listen to what that person has to say, versus you – who, in this case, she’s only known you for five weeks. Why take the risk?
If I do this, will I be signaling that I might want a relationship when I’m not certain that’s what I want yet?
Yeah, exactly, because now you’re bringing her into your peer group and you’re treating her like a girlfriend, even though it’s somebody you’re casually dating. And so, you could be signaling to her that you want to get more serious. Now, if she’s at that point – and again, I talk about this and the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers,” in the interest level table that’s in there – you’ll be able to tell when she’s going to love you, because of the things she says and the things that she does. And until you hear those things, then it’s just not worth it. It’s not worth the risk.
All of our dates to this point have been one-on-one, either going out for drinks or hanging out at my house.
Thanks in advance for the clarification.
Well, the book is pretty specific, pretty explicit on why you do that, so I’m not sure why you thought the fun bus included bringing all your friends and family onto the fun bus. Because the fun bus is you and her, and potentially other girls that you’re dating. But if you’re together as a couple, it’s more like the family van with you and the kiddies… eventually, someday, hopefully, if that’s what you want.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Too many men tend to smother and over pursue women they just started dating. They immediately start treating them like girlfriends, before the women are emotionally involved and invested, because they want to be in a relationship before the women are ready. The men are focused on locking women down to a commitment, while the women are simply trying to get to know the men to determine if they want a relationship. Guys who do this will start hearing from the women that they are confused, not sure, don’t know what they want, aren’t ready for a relationship, or worse, they need space or want to only be friends. Smart men focus on hanging out, having fun and hooking up, because women will bring up a relationship when they feel emotionally ready.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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