What you should do if you broke up with your woman, but you still live together and want to work things out.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 29-year old viewer who has been following my work since he was 18, but has gotten lazy and complacent to the point that he got dumped. He sleeps on the couch in their apartment, but also sleeps in the bed with her and they still have sex.
He is sleeping with 5 other women, but he wants to get back together with his ex and doesn’t want to move out. He asks my opinion on what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He looks at this like it’s a bad situation, but he’s got five other women he’s hooking up with and he’s hooking up with his ex-girlfriend that he lives with as well, so he’s got six different women he’s sleeping with. He just got a new job at one of the most popular bars as a bartender where he lives. I look at this and go, he’s doing absolutely amazing. He’s sleeping with six women total, one of them he lives with, so it’s like he’s got a hall pass. What’s the problem? But he wants to get her back and only wants to be with her.
My name is Bob, and I’m a 29-year old bartender in SoCal. I’ve been following you since I was 18 years old and have had amazing success with your knowledge.
Well, I appreciate you sticking around for eleven years and listening to me continually bloviate and discuss these kinds of situations from men and women from all over the world.
My current situation is this. My girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me about a month ago. She had slowly fallen out of love with me due to several things. I was not loving her in a way to make her feel free and she would fear doing things that would make me angry at her.
Come on, man. You’ve got to do better. A masculine man is calm and unperturbable. I know it’s hard to be unperturbable, especially if you’ve got an angry, bitchy woman, but that doesn’t appear to be the case here.
Thanks to your work, I have cleaned up my act. After the initial breakup, I immediately owned up to my mistakes of not creating the environment for her to feel free to be herself. I apologized for my complacency and ultimately applied the communication skills to make her feel heard and understood. I admitted that I was being a jackass and that I was sorry. Just like you teach, I then communicated to her that I love and adore her, I don’t agree with the breakup, and that if she changes her mind and would like to work on things with me to let me know.
Now, here is the problem. We still live together. Applying things like no contact and walking away and meaning it has become so much more complicated, and I need help to swim these waters.
Well, the reality is you live with her. And as the simple formula in the book says, hang out, have fun and hook up. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. It’s not about a relationship. So, you focusing on the relationship and getting that commitment, there’s nothing in there about that. The formula doesn’t say anything about commitment or relationship. That’s not your job, bro. Your job is to beat up her pelvis and fulfill her so well in the bedroom, she doesn’t want anybody else.
We agreed that I should sleep on the couch.
“We agreed”? Sure.
And I actively look for a new place to live every day. Since our breakup, I have been hooking up with 5 other women.
What’s the formula? Hang out, have fun, hook up.
I got a new job as a bartender at one of the most popular places in our area with the added bonus of having a ton of hot co-workers.
Where’s the downside in all of this, again? You’ve got a hall pass, man. Those guys are going, “What is wrong with this guy? He’s living large. Are you kidding me?”
I hit the gym regularly and I’m in great shape. Thanks to you, I don’t chase or become unglued when I don’t hear from her or when she doesn’t come back to our home when she stays at a friend’s.
She could be sleeping with other dudes. I mean, it doesn’t matter. All affairs, all relationships start out as casual – hanging out, having fun and hooking up. Pretty simple.
Since our breakup, I have not initiated contact over the phone once.
Good. You’re the prize. She should be chasing you. Besides, you’ve got five other women to keep satisfied.
And I don’t view or like her Instagram stories.
All of this has had a positive effect of re-attracting her over the course of a month.
Hang out, have fun, hook up.
However, she has been very hot and cold.
So, what? Don’t get caught up in her emotions or her moods any more than you should get upset at the weather not being the way you want it to be. That’s just women.
She invites me to sleep in the bed constantly. She still tells me she loves me. She kisses me and comes to me for cuddles and we still have sex here and there.
Hang out, have fun, hook up.
She gets jealous of my new co-workers and is constantly reaching out to me wondering what I’m up to.
I’m still looking for the problems. If she’s chasing you and pursuing you, she’s not dumping you.
Even after all this, there will be days when she wants to talk because she’s upset, so when I try to open her up, she becomes manic, she tells me we won’t ever get back together and that she will never want to be with me again.
“Well, my other girlfriends would be really happy to hear about that.” You may want to throw that in there as a joke. If she knows you’re dating other girls and she’s probably dating other guys, it’s like, “Cool. Then I don’t have to get rid of my black book.” That’s awesome. What’s the problem here?
My response is always that I would like to just take things one day at a time and that I’m not focused on a relationship. What do I do in this situation? How do I get her to miss me when she knows that I’m stuck sleeping on the couch?
Well, I’d sleep in the bed. And if she says, “What are you doing?” it’s like, “I’m sleeping in the bed. I pay half the rent. If you want to sleep there, fine, but the couch sucks. And besides, it’s kind of cold out there on the couch. And here, I’ve got you to keep me warm.” If she’s like, “You’ve got to sleep in the couch, ” it’s like, “Nah, I don’t want to. You can sleep on the couch tonight.” I wouldn’t leave. Plus, you can also go stay with some of the other girls you’re sleeping with. Create some distance that way. Stay out all night. You ain’t together. That’ll make her wonder what you’re doing and what you’re up to.
I don’t want to have to move out. I want to stay and work things out.
Then don’t move out. The same thing for guys that are living with their wives or their girlfriends in a house that they own together. It’s like, you don’t move out. If she wants to break it off, she can leave the bedroom, she can leave the house. You don’t leave. You’re like, “I want to work it out.” Because when you go and you sleep on the couch, you’re basically acquiescing to her demands. You say you want to work it out, but then you go sleep on the couch. It’s like, “No, the couch sucks. That’s no fun. I want sleep in this nice, big, comfy bed that I paid for.”
How can I make that happen when the process of re-attraction has been complicated due to us living together?
Actually, you’re in a much better situation than other guys. Because I do phone sessions with guys that already moved out, and I’m like, “Why did you move out? You said you wanted to work things out, and then you moved out. Those are not the actions of somebody who wants to work things out.” Especially when you’ve got kids, if the woman breaks it off and she wants you to move out, you’re like, “I’m not moving out. I want to work things out. This is our family. If you’re going to destroy our marriage or our family, then you can be the one to move out. I’m not moving out. Besides, I pay for this place.”
If and when I do find my own place…
Why would you want to do that? I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t even be looking. You’ve got a hall pass, man. Enjoy these five other women, enjoy your girlfriend. If she wants to sleep on the couch, whatever. But I’d be sleeping in the bed. I’d be the first one in bed.
“What are you doing? What are you sleeping in bed for?” “Because it’s my bed, I paid for. I paid for half of this thing. I’m going to get my money’s worth. We can cuddle if you want, babe. But if you’re feeling like you want some space or some time alone, there’s a comfy couch out there in the living room. You can go check that out. I much prefer the bed, thank you. And, by the way, can you fix me some breakfast in bed in the morning? That’d be great. Some sausage and bacon and eggs would be great. Scrambled eggs, please.”
…which isn’t easy with rent being so high in my area, what are my chances of her changing her mind and wanting to work on things?
Who cares? Hang out, have fun, hook up. It doesn’t say anything about changing her mind. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
We are both transplants and our families are far away, so disappearing to a close friend or family member’s place hasn’t been an option.
Well, what about one of the other girls you’re hooking up with? Go stay at her place for the night. “Where were you last night?” “Oh, I was out with a friend.” She goes and stays with friends. You can do the same thing. They just happen to be a girl “friend” – a girl “friend” with benefits.
I feel like she begins to miss me, but it never ends up being enough to want to get back together due to our living situation.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hang out, have fun, hook up. It doesn’t say anything about living situation on there or locking her down to a commitment. Who cares? That’s how I would handle it. This is a pretty simple situation to resolve, dude. I’d be sleeping in the bed. And like I said, all of the things I’ve said about the couch, it’s like, she can sleep on the couch. If she doesn’t want to be there or be around you, then she can go stay with one of her girlfriends. It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t leave.
If you want to work it out, you don’t leave. That includes the bedroom. You don’t leave. If she gets angry, it’s like, “Babe, if you really want to sleep in the couch, you’re welcome to. But it’d be a lot more fun to spoon with me tonight, because something might pop up. And you always seem to like it when things pop up in the bedroom.” It’s simple.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur