Can You Ever Really Recover From Too Much Beta Behavior?

How to know if you can ever recover if you displayed too much beta behavior in the beginning.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 23 year old viewer who has now read 3% Man, 18 times over the past 8 months after acting too beta when he met this woman he’s been dating. She blew him off. Eventually they reconnected and have now been dating for 8 months but aren’t exclusive. He wonders why she hasn’t asked him to be exclusive and is worried he’s unable to recover from all the unattractive behavior in the beginning. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Can You Ever Really Recover From Too Much Beta Behavior?”

Well, the short answer is if you’ve read 3% Man, obviously I did. There were women I wrote about near where I displayed a lot of beta behavior, talked too much on the phone, texted too much, caused the girl to lose interest and I backed off. Her interest went back up, she started to come back and they started talking and texting too much. Her interest started to go down again and eventually I found the sweet spot, between pursuing too much and not enough. So it is definitely possible. So this particular email, this guy is 23, he’s now read 3% Man 18 times over the past eight months after acting two beta with this woman that he’s been dating, and she blew him off in the beginning.

But eventually I guess they reconnected and now they’ve been dating for eight months, but they aren’t exclusive. And he’s kind of wondering why hasn’t she brought it up? So it was kind of interesting after he graduated his finance degree, he decided that he was going to become an actor, and he just got cast in a movie. And after this girl kind of blown him off, and I guess she heard from the grapevine that he got cast in this big movie that’s happening, and her attitude changed. But here they are eight months later, and she still hasn’t asked to be exclusive yet. So that’s why he’s starting to wonder if it’s just he’s not recovering or if it’s possible to recover. It’s only possible to recover if you clean up all your behavior.

But in this guy’s case, he came to me after the damage had been done and he turned this girl off. And so ever since, he’s been trying to apply what’s in the book. And so you have to understand, he’s trying to overcome his unattractive behavior and he’s going to bullshit himself like all of us do, and doing things deep down, he knows he shouldn’t do because he’s needy. He’s desperate. He’s unsure. He’s worried about this girl liking him, instead of having the attitude of, “do I like her? Is she good for me? Is she a good match? Is she loyal? Is she trustworthy? Is she honest?”

Instead of having the attitude of him vetting her. He’s in the mindset of, “how can I get this girl to like me?” Which, when you have that kind of a mindset, it’s really hard to stop doing things that are beta, even though you may know their beta because you think, oh, it’s just one thing, oh, it’s just a little bit here. Oh, just one extra phone call. Oh, it’s just one fuck up this week. So you talk yourself into continuing to do it. And it’s not until you get rejected that, you realize, okay, well, I guess you really can’t bend the rules that far.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

Thank you for your great work. Your content has helped me reflect on where I went wrong with this girl. I’ve read your book 18 times over the past 8 months, but I hadn’t discovered it when this all began. I’m 23, finished my bachelor’s in finance, and am now making a full 180 into being a movie star. I met this girl over 2 years ago on Hinge. She sent me a like, and we built rapport over text for about a week. I was a bit of a mystery, rarely initiating and unsure if I wanted to date her. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. Still, she had high interest and asked me out on a Wednesday. I agreed and set a definite date, but the next day, she cancelled four hours before and didn’t offer a reschedule. Her texting dropped off after that.

So whatever reason, her interest dropped.

She was 18 and I was 20. Though she was one of the prettiest girls I’d seen, I wasn’t very into her.

Sure.

She was an artist, and I had this dumb rule not to date artists, which I’ve ironically become. I was also overwhelmed by my hardest semester, so I brushed it off. I mostly saw her as a friend, occasionally reacting to her Instagram stories or sending a few texts. Three months later, with a lighter semester, I was open to dating or hooking up. I saw her on Tinder looking amazing, her profile said she wasn’t looking for anything serious. I messaged her bluntly asking when she’d be free for “fun.” She said yes, but ghosted me when it came time to confirm a date.

So the thing that you’re noticing is that disrespect. Blowing them off, not taking them seriously, asking them for a date, then canceling with no reschedule. Which probably back then there was another guy that she liked that was just acting more masculine, and that’s why she blew him off. And the bottom line is no matter how much she would blow him off or jerk him around, he always stayed around. So she kind of knew she could get away with it. And the reason why she did is because she didn’t think there were any consequences. There obviously weren’t. It didn’t bother her, didn’t bother him so she could blow him off if she wasn’t feeling it and he’d still come back for more.

I didn’t think much of it. Months later, she had a major glow-up, went from a 9 to a 10 and started modeling. That’s when I started chasing her on and off. I finally landed a date, and we hooked up. She texted me that night and asked me out the next day. But again, when it came time to confirm plans, she ghosted. Like a dumbass, I reached out again five days later.

So this is why you keep doing the same thing. She keeps blowing you off because she recognizes that you’re just going to keep coming no matter what.

I chased her for over a month, visibly perturbed. We had a second date, she seemed disinterested and friend-zoned me at the end.

Begging, groveling. Please, please pay attention to me, mommy, can I? Can I have an attaboy? So this is what happens when you don’t get enough hugs and I love you from mom and dad. You keep chasing after love that you want, but don’t get. Instead of just dating other women, he keeps chasing after this girl and she goes out reluctantly. It’s a free meal. Free drinks. But she’s still friend zoned him. And the proper response to friend zoning is “hey, we can be friends with benefits. I don’t want to be just platonic.”

The next day, I auditioned for the lead role in one of the biggest American movie franchises, and got it. Word spread, and that’s when she started chasing me.

Aha! So you could say, ah, he’s gonna be rich and famous. Well, what is that a sign of? If he gets a big part in a movie, that is a sign of competence. And if he’s competent enough to do that, that creates attraction, at least temporarily.

That’s also when I started reading your book. We’ve now been dating for 8 months, acting like a couple. She still hasn’t brought up exclusivity which I want and I see other women. But I feel like the beta behavior from 8 months ago permanently scarred her attraction. It never fully recovered.

Well, if I were you, I would be paying attention to the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers”, because either you’re still acting beta in a lot of ways, or she’s just with you because of the stuff that you got. She’s not there because of you, and she likes you and cares about you. She’s there because you potentially will become a famous actor when this movie comes out. So that’s why it would behoove you to understand the book and know whether or not she’s actually into you, for you, and not because of your reputation.

So my question is, can attraction ever recover if it’s been too deeply damaged? I’m doing what you teach, but she still won’t bring up commitment. Should I walk away? Feel free to call me bob in the video for anonymity.

Well, everybody is Bob.

The email isn’t my real name either.

Bob

Well that’s good. So I mean, at this point, like I said in the book, you can see what happened. But here, this what this tells me is there’s probably things that you’re not doing and saying, and it also might be that she’s just really not that into you, but she’s going out with you because of what she thinks it’s going to do for her reputation. So if it was me and you had some other choices and other options, what are you looking for? Are you looking for a woman that’s like, “hell, yeah. I’d love to go out with you. I’d love to spend time with you.” And it doesn’t seem like this girl is like that. It seems like she didn’t care and wasn’t interested until you got this part in the movie.

That’s the only thing that changed because she was continually blowing you off when you were trying to set dates, because she wasn’t attracted to you and she didn’t respect you. So she may just be with you because of your potential or the potential payout. So if you have the attitude of you’re the prize and you’re the catch. And you’ve been dating this girl for eight months, it just seems like it’s kind of like a cold, distant booty call. It’s not somebody that’s really seriously into you. And if that’s the case, I’d be dating other women. And you should have the attitude of letting the best girl win you over.

Because your whole mindset is, “how can I get this girl to like me?” While you ignore the fact that she jerks you around, blows you off. Because you have been totally focused on how much you like her. And if you you’ve ignored the fact that she really didn’t seem to like you very much. She asked for a date. You make the date and then she cancels the next day without any reschedule. Probably there was Chad Thunder Cock in the picture, and she went and hooked up with him and blew you off because she knew she could get away with it because you would put up with it. So.

What you can start doing is spend less time with her or I mean, by this point she should be doing 100% of the reaching out. Is she because it’s not normal to be eight months down the road and a woman having not fallen in love with you and wanted to be exclusive yet. That tells me you’re probably still doing too much calling, too much texting, too much pursuing. You’re probably a little too squishy because you like her so much. And you’re also. I mean, you’re writing an email going, “when can I be her boyfriend?” That’s not the right mindset that the book teaches. Your attitude should be, “hey, I’m a free agent until she locks me down.”

And so if I were you, I would spend time with other women who are more excited to spend time with you because you got this movie. Maybe you’re about to be rich and famous and your life’s going to change completely, and then you’ll have lots of other opportunities and lots of other chances with other women. But you got to clean up your game. Because all being rich and famous is going to do is get your foot in the door. I mean, look at Tom Brady. He had everything going for him. But eventually Giselle tapped out and started screwing the jujitsu guy because he just wasn’t there.

He didn’t do the right things. He wasn’t present. Didn’t make her feel heard and understood. Didn’t court her properly. He was married to his NFL career. The family came second and eventually she had enough. So now she’s with another guy and has a kid with him. And it seems like Tom still butthurt over that. There was just over the weekend, there was a kind of a dust up. There was a golfer who was like one of the best golfers in the world, and they were talking to him and he was like, well, golf is number two in my life, my family comes first. And Tom was like, “oh, well, your career should come first.” And so people were speculating. He’s still kind of butthurt over the fact that Giselle left him for the jujitsu guy.

I mean, she didn’t leave him for a guy that’s richer and more handsome and more successful than Tom. She went for a guy that really, compared to Tom, didn’t have a pot to piss in unless he was, you know, as a trust fund baby, which I don’t think he is. But he made her feel heard and understood. He spent time with her. If you don’t date and court your girl, eventually somebody else will. And so, just because this woman is with you, it doesn’t seem like you know whether or not she really likes you. Again, there’s a chapter in here, “It’s All In The Numbers”, and you should be able to pinpoint exactly how she feels towards you.

And like I said, if I was doing a phone session with you, I could better ascertain what you’re doing right and what you’re doing wrong just by asking you specific questions and having you telling me about what’s going on, who’s calling who, who’s texting to who. How often you’re seeing each other, that kind of thing. Because by this point in time, She should be stuck to you like white on rice. She should want to be with you all the fucking time. And it just seems like you guys are kind of a booty call.

And you got a few other booty calls. So there’s closeness and there’s intimacy that’s just not there. The relationship sounds completely superficial. So there’s just doesn’t seem that authentic and real. So my suggestion is, if you really like this girl, it’s important you book a phone session and we can really drill down in it and figure out what’s going on.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.