Can You Turn Women Off By Not Being Nice Enough Or Not Pursuing Enough?

How to balance pursuing too much & not enough & being too nice & not nice enough.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He asks if it’s possible to not be nice enough or to not pursue a woman enough to the point it turns her off instead of turning her on. He says he tends to be too nice and over pursue women, but he wonders how find the right balance and not take it too far. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Can You Turn Women Off By Not Being Nice Enough Or Not Pursuing Enough?”

The short answer is yes you can. And so this particular email is from a guy. He’s 25 from London, UK. Recently started watching my content. I don’t think he’s made it to the book yet, but obviously if you’re new and you haven’t, the book is free to read it UnderstandingRelationships.com just subscribe to the Email Newsletter. It’s free. It’ll open up right in your web browser. And so he says that his tendencies are to be too nice, which he’s aware of and over pursue, but he’s worried about backing off and like where the sweet spot is.

He doesn’t want to come off as too much of a cool fish. So it’s a pretty, pretty good email. It’s a topic that I know I certainly struggle with when I was younger, and it’s not easy to figure this out, especially when you’re dating somebody that just knocks your socks off. All your fears, your insecurities, your doubts about yourself. It’s all it comes, right, you have to face it. It’s like learning to punch through a wall of fear. Because if you back off and you’re not used to it, but when you’re used to chasing women out of your life, I know I got to the point where I was like, what do I got to lose? I’ve always done this. They always fade away.

Let me back off and let them come to me. But, you know, as you guys know, that I’ve read the book, I tended to go to the extreme opposite. And it’s learning to get to the point where you pursue too much and not enough, and finding that kind of sweet spot right in the middle. It’s just enough indifference and aloofness and mystery to where she wonders where you are. It stimulates her feelings and her emotions because at the end of the day, women care about how they feel about you. Not what a great guy you are. And so the nice guy tends to be too nice. He tends to be soft. He tends to put his needs last. He tends to be a people pleaser.

He changes his opinions to match the girls. He doesn’t stand up for the things that he believes in. He’s too concerned and worried about her approval, her liking him. So he says and does things in order to gain her approval in hopes that she likes him. But it turns women off because they don’t have the testicular fortitude to stand up for their convictions and what they believe in. And so it’s just something that everybody has got to get to. Because, you know, because otherwise you get the, “you’re a great guy, but”, or you’re just you’re there was a we were talking about this, I think in the Live Stream a couple of weeks ago.

There was a hockey player, not a hockey player, a soccer player, good looking guy, multi-millionaires wife, just beautiful. And she left him and she said he was too perfect. Great guy, but perfect on paper. But at the end of the day, this guy had looks. He had money, he had fame, he had success, he had all the toys. But all it did was really get his foot in the door. He was too nice, too soft, too squishy, and therefore he didn’t stimulate her emotions because he wasn’t consistently masculine enough with her to the point where she didn’t love him anymore. She didn’t respect him, and she left.

And again, because it doesn’t matter how good looking you are or how big your bank account is, women care mostly about how they feel about you. That’s what’s important to them. And if you turn them off, if you’re too soft, you’re too compliant, you’re easy to push around, you’re easy to move off center. You get butthurt easily. You’re just too nice. You don’t put a woman in her place. You don’t show her who’s boss enough. She’s not gonna like it. She’s gonna move away from you.

And like I said, with the soccer player, he had everything on paper. He should have gotten the baddest bitch on the planet, which he had for a time. But she left because he was basically to nice, to soft. And that’s just the way it is. Women want you to be more confident and more masculine and more competent than they are. And if you don’t, you’ll be licking your wounds and dealing with rejection.

So let’s go through this guy’s email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

I am 25 years old, I live in London, and I recently started watching your content. However I have a question, which the answer is rarely discussed in dating coaches’ videos and blogs.

Well, there’s a lot of amateurs, a lot of people that are new, that have learned some things, had some success, and they think they’re experts. So there’s, I mean, with the proliferation of my work, a lot of people have learned it and are now teaching it, or they cherry pick things that they want to teach. Sometimes they twist some of the things, and they’re not the most honorable and morally correct people. And so they use the things that they’ve learned from me in a way that’s negative. And I’m not a fan of, but that is life. You got to be a person of high moral character because character is destiny.

I know that over-pursuing and being too nice can be a red-flag when it comes to dating women.

So the over pursuing is calling texting too much, and the idea is that, I mean, he hasn’t read the book yet. And so a lot of these questions will get handled by the book. But it’s really a good topic because most guys struggle with it, especially, like I said earlier, when you’re dating somebody that knocks your socks off. And so the idea is you’re taking measured steps. You start out dating a woman one date per week. The phone is for setting dates, where guys get themselves into trouble is they spend too much time talking and texting on the phone, trying to crack jokes through text.

And more often than not, the jokes don’t land because she doesn’t know you, doesn’t understand your sense of humor, and you just turn the girl off. But if you keep it to using the phone just for setting dates, it helps you to remain mysterious. Because you call a woman too much. You text her too much. It’s overwhelming, especially at first, especially if you’re dating a woman who just got out of a long term relationship. They’re going to feel smothered. And as Thích Nhất Hạnh used to say, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

And so you smother women and they they’ll start saying things like, “there’s no chemistry, there’s no spark. I felt something in the beginning, but I don’t feel that way anymore. My feelings have changed. I think we’d be better off as friends.” That’s basically where things go. So it’s not about being a dick to women, taking it to the extreme. I had guys that I knew that just when I was younger were sleeping with pretty much whoever they wanted and I was too much of a nice guy. And they always just, you got to be a dick to women. But I didn’t like the way they treated women, they would jerk them around.

They get them all hyped up on them, and excited about them when they really didn’t care. They were just trying to get laid. So they made them think that they were exclusive with them when they weren’t. They made them think that was the only person they were dating when it wasn’t, and they would lie to them and mislead them. And eventually the girl would find out they didn’t really give a shit. And then she’s crying. She’s upset. There’s drama and there’s like, well, I don’t want to be like that. That’s really being a dick, because then you get kind of a dickhead reputation. And that’s not good either.

Because especially if you’re in a small community or like, say, a guy that’s in college and you’re dicking girls around that are in a specific sorority, that word will get around and it will torpedo your reputation. It’s much better to have women going, “oh, there’s something about that guy I can’t put my finger on. I don’t he’s so mysterious. I don’t know what to expect from him.” That’s the kind of thing you want. Instead of, “oh yeah, he was an asshole. He made me think that we were going to progress to a relationship. And then I found out he was fucking so-and-so and he was fucking this other girl. He was lying to me.”

You don’t want to be that guy. That’s being the dickhead and just being a garbage human. You don’t want to be a garbage human. You can be a good dude, but you just can’t be a soft and squishy Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. You got to stand up for the things you believe in. You got to speak your mind and let the chips fall where they may. And so the idea is that typically in the beginning, the men have to pursue, if you will, they have to initiate the courtship. And just by initiating one day per week, the idea is you’re just kind of taking measured steps. You’re not trying to set 3 or 4 days in a week. If you meet a girl and she has super high interest, you might be able to get away with that for a couple of weeks.

And then you’ll notice two weeks later she starts backing away. She’s taking longer to reply. Her replies get shorter, she’s using less emojis, and then things get really bad when she’s waiting a full 24 hours to reply to your message. And then all of a sudden she disappears. And that’s every guy’s kind of had that experience, usually multiple times. I know, I sure did when I was younger. And so the idea is by taking the measured steps. And typically most women are going to sleep with a guy by their second or third date. And so as you get 3 or 4 weeks in the courtship, and most of the time after you’ve slept with a woman is usually when she’ll start reaching out to you first.

As her interest goes up over several weeks, she calls you more, she texts you more. It’s her idea to reach out to you. Therefore, if she’s reaching out to you like the book says, you assume she wants to see you and then you make the next date. You’re not trying to crack a joke or be funny or act like Dave Chappelle. It’s the girl reaches out. “Hey, I was thinking about you. Hey, I saw a movie last night. The main character had the same color blue shirt that you had on when we met.” And when you hear something like that, or you see something like that, you say, “well, that’s awesome, that’s great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like or when are you available next.”

And then you make the next date. And since she was the one reaching out to you, women don’t call you or text you to ask you out on a date 99% of the time. And so they usually reach out with a meme or “hey, I was thinking about you.” Or “hey, I had a really great time the other night”, when you haven’t talked in a couple of days. Because if you’re only reaching out once a week and then you start sleeping together by a second or third week, what’s going to happen is within a few days or maybe a day or two, she typically will start to reach out to you. Then, as the weeks go by, you get into week four, week five, she’ll be reaching out multiple times a week.

You’ll be seeing each other multiple times a week, and it’s her idea. You’re moving things along at her pace. As her interest goes up. She calls you more, she texts you more, she wants to see you more. Her. And if her interest goes down, she backs off. She’s less available. More crazy. You hear those kinds of things. So the idea is the book teaches you to respond to how a woman is showing up based upon her actions. Because, you know, if she’s got an ex in the background or if she just broke up with somebody, she could be hot and cold and all over the ice.

And the last thing you want to do is try to smother her and chase and pursue a woman too much, especially when they’re in a situation like that. So by just doing the one date per week, you’re taking your time. You’re in no rush. It shows you’re confident. It shows your calm shows. You’re probably got other things going on in your life besides her. It helps you remain mysterious. She doesn’t know when you’re going to call, when you’re going to reach out, when she’s going to hear from you next. And then that causes her feelings and emotions to grow and her interest to grow.

And then she starts reaching out to you more. And as she reaches out more, you just use that as an opportunity for the next get together. If the woman texts you at like 8:00, 9:00 at night and you’re already hooking up, and she’s like, “hey, what are you doing?” You don’t even have to make a date at that point. You just say, “come over” because she’s texting you late at night. If you’re already hooking up, she probably wants a booty call. Now you don’t want to just do that all the time going forward, which I do see. A lot of guys do that.

It’s like as soon as they’ve hooked up and the girls have been in the house, then they just start inviting her over every weekend and Netflix and chill. They don’t take her out and date her anymore. And as the weeks go by, she starts to realize that she’s just basically become his booty call. In that case, that’s technically like not pursuing enough. Treating her just like a booty call. You typically, if it’s a booty call, you got a time limit on that, especially if she realizes you don’t want anything more than hooking up.

When she realizes that and she’s looking for a relationship, eventually she’s going to fade away and start dating somebody else. But if you really like the girl, and then you just get lazy because she’s into you and she likes hooking up and you do that for a couple of months, every time it’s the same thing. So if you care, you want to spend time with her because you enjoy listening to her. You enjoy having a good time with her. You enjoy the conversation. You’re not just there to get laid. You’re there because you genuinely enjoy her company. So back to our emailer.

I know that over-pursuing and being too nice can be a red-flag when it comes to dating women. Therefore, that is what I do.

And so when you over pursue, you’re really you’re worried and you’re fearful that she’s not going to reciprocate or that she’s going to lose interest. And so you fear if you don’t call her enough, you don’t text her enough that she’s going to fade away on you and what you fear you attract. And so you’re reaching out is not reaching out because you want to see her, or you want to say hi, or you want to see what she’s up to. You’re reaching out because you’re worried that she doesn’t like you anymore, or doesn’t like you as much as she may have. Maybe her text replies are shorter. She’s using less emojis. You just you had three great dates, and now you’re trying to set a fourth date and you notice that she’s like, “oh, I don’t know my schedule.”

And it’s, her response is kind of flat. Well, if there’s an ex in the picture or another dude that might happen or it might be that time of the month, and when those things happen, you can’t freak out and lose your shit and start blowing up your phone and being apologetic. You just understand that that’s the way women are. Sometimes they’re really super into it, and sometimes based on their emotions and the time of the month, their feelings may change and they’ll be a little bit more distant. So by knowing the book, you just know when to back off and when to move forward. You understand those little subtle nuances. So your behavior is and your actions are always going to be in response to how she’s showing up.

Therefore, that is what I do. I don’t over pursue and I don’t act “too nice”, if she’s interested to begin with, otherwise that doesn’t mean anything. However I’ve just realized that I’ve been doing that a bit too much, because I am scared to turn women off.

Well, the other sometimes. You know, this is why having a practice squad having several women that you’re talking to, and dating, or maybe you’re some of them you just met, some of them you’ve been out with a couple of times. And as you meet girls that you like more, the ones you’re not as into, you just stop calling them. You stop inviting them out, and then they’ll just kind of slowly fade away until eventually you meet somebody you really like. So repetition, being the mother of skill, you got to practice what’s in the book. And because you never know when you’re going to meet somebody that really knocks your socks off, and it’s much better to have done the work ahead of time.

To have dated several women hooked up with several women. Getting the experience, given them great dates, great fun. So they think very highly of you and they walk away with a smile on their face. Even if you decide not to continue seeing them anymore. It’s a good thing to have, to be on good terms with your exes, and especially when they speak very highly of you, months or even many years after you guys were together. That can only be good for you. And if you’re doing it right, then women walk away from their interactions with you. And having dated you with a smile on your face and thinking what a great dude you are. And that’s what you want, but not be squishy and a pushover.

And so it’s hard if you know, again, if you got one girl and you really like her and you just found me, you just started watching videos, or you’re just kind of starting to read the book. You know, you’re pretty far down the line. So it’s a lot harder to course correct when you’re in the middle of things going sideways then, whereas if you did the work ahead of time, just like the Confucius quote, that’s one of my favorites. “Success depends upon prior preparation without said preparation. There is sure to be failure.” And that’s why you read the book 10 to 15 times. So you learn to think a different way. You understand the whole ebb and flow of how you go from meeting somebody, picking them up, dating, and then transitioning from casual dating to a serious long term relationship, if that’s what you’re looking for.

So my questions are, when you just met a woman and start the process of dating: Can you also turn women off by not being nice enough?

Yeah. If you’re jerking them around or you’re leaving them hanging, or you’re waiting 2 or 3 days to reply to their texts on purpose, you should respond within 24 hours. Because most women, especially younger women, if you start purposefully jerking them around and waiting a day or two to reply on purpose, they’re going to do the same thing back to you. They know the game. They know that you’re doing it on purpose and so you can be too much of a cool fish.

Also by her texting and reaching out to you. But then you don’t make dates, just simple things like that. Again, I go into more detail in the book, but also like I talked about earlier in the beginning of the video, if you’re being a dick to women and dicking around and lying to them, jerking them around, you might be able to get away with it for a little bit, but that’s not going to last. Eventually they’ll just ghost you and they’ll dip.

And can you also turn women off by not pursuing enough?

Yes, but the book helps keep that from happening, because, again, you’re reaching out at least once a week because the way the book is lined up and the way it’s written and laid out is so you can start taking these measured steps. You don’t pursue too much, you reach out just enough that communicates you’re interested, but not to the point where you’re reaching out like every three weeks or once a month or whatever, and treating her like a booty call when you initially she’s looking for a relationship.

If you can answer both questions for me separately I’ll be very glad. I want to eradicate both doubts in my head please. By the way, I really like your content. 

Well, gotta read the book and you got to spend the time with it. There’s no shortcuts to success. And so by reading the book, you start to learn the subtle nuances between pursuing too much and not enough. Because the book lays out, here’s what she does when her interest goes up. Here’s what she does when her interest goes down. There’s a tape, an attraction table in the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers.” If you just read that, it lays out here. If a woman’s interest is an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10, here’s what she does. If it’s a seven, here’s what she does. If it’s a 9, she does all the things that are 7, 8 and before.

But she also does these additional things. And then if her interest drops, then you notice that she’ll stop doing the things that she was doing when her interest was in the 9 range, which is where women are in love with you. So, you know, just going through life, when you date somebody for a long time, you get into a relationship, you’re going to get lazy, you’re going to get complacent, You’re going to get caught up in life, because most guys, what they do in long term relationships, they don’t date and court their girl enough or at all, especially when they’re trying to save money and they don’t typically make or feel heard and understood.

And they may have done those things in the beginning when they were trying to win her over. But when you’ve been together six months, a year or two years, it’s like you just kind of slowly go back to sleep. So you got to be very disciplined because a woman gets used to how you treat her. And if you, that’s one of the biggest complaints women have about guys is that they’re really romantic in the beginning. And then after they’ve been together for a while, they just stop.

And the average guy thinks, well, that’s it. We are in a relationship, so I don’t have to do those things anymore. The courtship never ends. So if you haven’t read the book yet or you haven’t read enough, it’s free to read it. Understandingrelationships.com. So is my second book, Mastering Yourself that’s also there. And my first quotes book, Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations is also there for you to check out and read on the website.

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