Caring More About Her Than She Cares For You Leads To Rejection

Why caring more about her than she cares for you leads to rejection.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been a follower of my work for about 4 years. He writes in about many mistakes he made violating the principles in my book which led to his getting dumped and blown off after investing 2 years of his life in this woman. She started out as a friend and then they started dating after his relationship of 2 years ended recently. He started listening to her and pursuing her 50/50 to make her feel safe. After telling him to put a baby in her, only a few weeks later she blew him off to meet and date other men she felt something more for. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Caring More About Her Than She Cares For You Leads To Rejection.”

Well, this email is a cautionary tale. This is from a guy who’s been following me for about four years, and he writes in saying, “Coach, I got really cocky, thought I knew this stuff.” And so this particular woman that he writes in about, he met her right around the time that he got serious with another girl, and so he kind of stuck her in friend zone, which in essence made him a challenge for the whole two years he was with this girl. And so she stayed in touch.

I guess the case you would buy him things and was seen to always be pursuing. And then earlier this year, a few months ago, his relationship ended with this woman he’d been with for two years. And so then he started dating this particular girl. And because of things that happened in her past and listened to her, he’s like, “okay, I’m going to pursue her 50/50. I’d known this girl two years. She’s been after me, so I can get away with 50/50, being extra serious, worrying about her, feeling safe.”

And so he starts doing all this and within a matter of weeks, she just completely flips on him, and bounces to starts dating other guys, probably hooking up with other dudes. And it just goes to show how quickly a woman’s feelings can go south, even when you know what to do. And so this guy was violating these principles because he’s like, “I’ve know this girl two years”, but he wasn’t dating and sleeping with her those two years. So it’s a good email.

It just illustrates it’s like if you act attractive, you’ll attract a woman. If you act unattractive, you’re going to repulse her pretty quickly. And so that’s what’s kind of shocking to him. But there’s some obvious red flags about her, her past that really would just when you hear them, you go, “yeah, she’s probably not a long term relationship candidate anyways”, but it’s a good email to learn from because what creates attraction is what creates attraction.

I say it all the time. Women like you more if they think that they’re way more into you, than you are into them. And when it’s flipped like it did in this particular case, and they realize that you’re way more into them than they are into you, and especially if you’re dealing with a chick that’s a bit of a Froot Loop, which it looks like this woman is, she’s going to bounce on you in a pretty brutally savage way that hopefully the pain this guy’s experience and will make him not do these things the next time around.

But you also, you can’t ignore the red flags. You can’t ignore the fact that her background and her behavior and plus what he had kind of heard through the grapevine about her relationships, not really the kind of woman that has the background to be loyal, faithful, be looking for one guy. She’s just going to float wherever her feelings are most intense.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I have been an avid follower and student for 4 years, and have read 3% Man more times than I can count, and initially reaped the benefits. But as time went on, I thought to myself, “I got this,” and thought that I could get away with consciously breaking the rules.

I met a woman, S, two years ago on a dating app. S is a divorced single mom to an 11 year old daughter with a string of rocky relationships and has been described as “volatile” by people in a mutual social group due to her emotional ups-and-downs and flaky behavior.

So when you come across a woman who has a volatile personality, it’s usually because there wasn’t a calm dad in the household to teach her that. Or her dad was a lunatic and had no calmness anyways. And so if she’s volatile and angry, that’s typically what was modeled for her at home. So when you hear those things, you can’t just go, “Hey, I’m going to be different. I got Corey’s Book. I’m gonna fix her with Corey’s Book.”

It’s like, nope. It brings out the behavior and the worst really quickly. And it brings out the best and the best. So the idea is you don’t get too far down the road six months later and realize, “Oh shit, I got to do a relationship with a Froot Loop.”

When we met, things were just taking off with another woman, so after going out once with S, we became platonic friends as I entered my relationship. Over the next 2 years, S and I developed a very strong connection as friends but it remained platonic.

Well, if you’re in a relationship with another girl, why are you developing strong connections with somebody else? That’s not very loyal behavior on your part.

Though she would often give me small gifts and it seemed like she was at least vaguely attracted to me.

Yeah, a woman is not going to be buying you gifts if she wants to exchange yoga routines. You did meet on a dating app, so it’s kind of naive and delusional to think that, she’s just there because she wants to play patty cake with you.

When I ended my relationship in the early winter of 2024, because of my deep connection with S and her consistent signs of interest, I shot my shot and pursued a romantic relationship with her starting around late February of 2024.

She was extremely receptive and showed massive signs of interest and attraction: dropping off gifts at my house, sending extremely sexual texts regularly, and inviting herself over for sex. Because of her self described relationship anxiety.

Well, at the end of the day, it’s her relationship anxiety, not yours. That should not cause you to stop acting in ways that you know that are attractive because you’re trying to be a people pleaser. And only reason why you’re trying to be a people pleaser is you’re driven by fear of loss, fear that you’re going to lose her.

At one point she said that she hadn’t had a relationship last more than two months since her divorce 5 years ago.

That’s kind of a bit of a red flag. Means she’s just driven by her emotions. And if you’ve watched any of the videos, especially the Members Area stuff with Jade and Caroline and Chunky and the rest of the people, when I do the 3% Man and Mastering Yourself Study Group, that’s the Members Area stuff. We’ve talked about this, and how most guys are like three, four weeks, five weeks, pretty good out of the chute.

And then when the guys really start caring, they just completely come apart, start acting really unattractive, a little possessive. And whereas they may have seemed calm, cool and collected in the very beginning, they just come apart after a matter of a few weeks and so it could start off really hot and heavy, and then it dissipates. And because what they end up doing is chasing the girl out of their lives.

And so it’s probably what’s going on here. Number one, didn’t have a balanced family growing up. And so she’s just strictly going to go with whoever makes her feel the most attracted. And unfortunately, most of the guys in society are going to do a lot of things that are really unattractive. And so even if they’re great right out of the chute, maybe they’re good looking, they’re handsome, they’re successful, they’re well off.

That stuff gets them in the door. But if they start acting like a beta man within a matter of few weeks, she’s going to lose interest. Doesn’t matter what a great guy you are or how great your resume is. Women only care about how they feel about you, and especially in this particular case.

I reciprocated her interest by pursuing 50/50.

Yeah, it’s whenever I hear 50/50, you’re going to get friend zoned. You can’t do that. Happens with lesbians, happens with gay dudes. It’s just you can’t do that. The masculine one has to pursue the least. Typically, as I wrote about in The Book, no more than 20 to 30%.

And most of the time you’re going to want to get away with 95 to 100% of the pursuing being done by her. But when it’s 50/50, it’s inevitable it’s going to end and you’re going to get rejected. That’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.

I reciprocated her interest by pursuing 50/50 in an effort to make her feel “safe” in the relationship and reduce her fears by being transparent.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And when your feelings are too clear like that, it communicates that you care too much. You’re more into her than she is into you.

I thought that between our two years of rapport and my efforts to do this, that I would finally be the one to win her heart.

The one to win her heart. Hmm. So that tells you have the mindset, “How can I get her to like me? How can I get this girl to choose me?” Which is the opposite mindset of what’s in The Book. That’s the opposite of what’s taught. But you’re completely going against it.

She said that it was, “the most safe she’s felt in a relationship maybe ever.”

FIRST MISTAKE: PURSUING TOO MUCH.

Yeah. You just cannot do that. It just communicates you care more about her, than she does about you. And also, we got to keep in mind that Thích Nhất Hạnh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

About eight weeks into our dating, we had not had the exclusivity talk.

So now he’s going, “man, it’s been two months, why hasn’t she brought it up yet?”

But she let me stay the night over her house.

She let me stay the night. Ooh! Tell he’s got her pedestalized.

Previous sex had been brief encounters. Something she said she hadn’t let someone do in years – and that it was really nice. Around this time, I posted a picture of her and I on social media and also around this time I thought we had to have a #serious chat about some miscommunications.

Yeah, if you haven’t even had the talk and then you’re posting pictures of you and her on social media, that’s just stupid. You can tell he’s just completely bamboozled by his own feelings. It’s like he’s another dude that took The Book and he’s like, “it’s a Frisbee, Coach, look.” Chucks it right out the window.

HERE IS WHERE I REALLY WENT WRONG: I TREATED A WOMAN THAT I WAS DATING LIKE SHE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND.

He writes this in big, bold letters.

I LET HER HIGH SIGNS OF ATTRACTION BLIND ME INTO THINKING THAT I HAD IT LOCKED DOWN AND GOT TOO SERIOUS INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON HANGING OUT, HAVING FUN, HOOKING UP.

Yeah, he was focused on his interest in her and completely ignored her lower interest in him. And he noticed that she started backing off.

Within days, she backed off and became distant.

So this is not like something that just happened over a couple of days. This was many months of him pedestalizing her, doing 50/50 pursuing. So is his interest is going up, hers is going the opposite. And he didn’t notice it because he’s being Mr. Nice Guy. He’s trying to accommodate her and her anxious issues, anxious attachment style, whatever you want to call it. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. It could have been a girl. It totally has her shit together, and if he had behaved this way, the same thing would have happened.

A normal one would have just dumped him and blown him off. But this girl just, you’ll see in a second here, you’d think after knowing him for two years, she would have valued him more. But at the end of the day, she’s kind of selfish and narcissistic. All she cares about is her feelings were less. So she was out of there. No stable father, no masculine presence. There’s just no balance, no chill.

Within days, she backed off and became distant and a week later she told me that she had gone out on another date.

Huh? Imagine that. Two years you knew this girl. And by the way, I’d say this is probably your karma for the fact that you, in essence, had a side chick, that you were kind of, another ion that you had in the fire. Which is kind of disloyal behavior on your part dude. You shouldn’t have been behaving that way.

I reacted honestly and said that I was hurt because, although we had not had the exclusivity talk, we had been spending a lot of time together and I had put a lot of effort into planning our dates, etc. and that I was confused as to how she could go from dropping off gifts and telling me to “put a baby in her” to seeking attention from other guys in the span of a week or so.

Dude, it wasn’t in a week. You’re kind of delusional. This has been, this is the result of your behavior. I mean, from the get go, as soon as you start doing 50/50, it’s inevitable that you’re going to get blown off. And it all depends on how nasty it is based on her character. And obviously she’s got low character, so she didn’t really give a shit. All she cared about is her feelings had dropped and you weren’t paying attention. You’re still not paying attention. You’re game was absolutely atrocious.

THIS WAS ANOTHER FATAL MISTAKE: I was calm but honest about being hurt instead of being totally unperturbed.

Again, if you were of the mindset of, “hanging out and have fun, hook up. I’m not really looking to lock this girl down or anyone down. I want to see what her behavior is like.” And if you’ve just been casually hooking up and she’s like, “oh, I went on a date with somebody else.” I would have been like, “cool, good for you.” And then I would in my mind, I would’ve been like, fuck buddy, friends with benefits, that’s it.

But then again, I wouldn’t have been texting this girl for two years when I was in a relationship with somebody else and letting her come by and buy me gifts. That’s totally inappropriate. And you should know better. So you attracted how you acted. You acted disloyal to your previous girlfriend, and you attracted a woman who’s disloyal to you. So you got what you deserved. I know it’s not nice, but you weren’t nice.

The vibes never recovered fully and we went on a few half-hearted dates.

So that tells me you’re making dates when her interest is low. Because, again, you’re focused on your interest in her, and ignoring her low interest in you and the fact she’s now rubbing other men in your face.

We went on a few half-hearted dates over the course of the next 2 weeks while she continued to pull away.

So that tells me you didn’t stop. You didn’t back off. You didn’t do anything.

Until she ended things, saying that she had gone out with a few different people recently and that she wanted to keep looking, but by this point I had seen it coming for quite a while.

Yeah, I don’t think she would have been loyal to you.

MY BIG LESSON:

Although I truly think that she is not in an emotionally-healthy place and that in the end I probably dodged a bullet with this woman.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH RAPPORT YOU THINK YOU HAVE OR THAT YOUR CASE IS SPECIAL, IF YOU VIOLATE THE PRINCIPLES TOO MUCH YOU WILL GET BURNED. NEVER THINK THAT YOU SHOULD PURSUE 50/50.

Yeah, as long as you’ve been following me, I can’t believe that you thought that was a good idea. I mean, I’ve done any time I’ve ever done a phone session, or I’ve been answering an email, when I hear 50/50, I know it’s going to end or they got friend zoned. It always happens in 100% of the cases.

OR TREAT A WOMAN LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND UNTIL SHE OFFICIALLY IS.

Well, that would have never happened because you were always over pursuing from the get go. As soon as you started dating it was 50/50. What had happened was her attraction had built up over his two years. Instead of the attraction going up, it just continued to decline.

And since you were only focused on your interest in her and ignoring her interest in you, you didn’t see it until it was too late. Even when she told you she went on a date with anybody else, you kept trying to date her, and each time you saw her, her interest was less and less. And you didn’t think to pump the brakes.

NO MATTER HOW HIGH HER ATTRACTION SEEMS. BECAUSE ESPECIALLY IF SHE HAS EMOTIONAL ISSUES OR BAGGAGE, ONE SLIP AND IT CAN CHANGE IN AN INSTANT.

Thanks for everything,

Bob

Dude, it wasn’t one slip and so you’re deluding yourself. Your game sucked from the get go with this. As soon as you started dating and sleeping with her, your game was atrocious. It’s like even though you said you were following me and you knew what to do, you were projecting your high interest and that’s what drove you. And you completely ignored her lack of interest, her low interest. And on top of that, you ignored her declining interest. So that’s all on you.

It wasn’t just one week that you were off. You were off the whole time. And quite frankly, you should have never been in touch with this girl when you were in a relationship with somebody else and be letting her bring gifts over. I mean, what’s your girlfriend saying? “Hey, where’d you get that from?” “Oh, this other girl that I was dating before you dropped it by the other day.” The fuck do you think she’s gonna think? You’re being disloyal to your ex? And so you got burned.

And I would say karma is a dish best served cold. And so you got you got served, man. You your behavior was inappropriate. And quite frankly, dude, you deserve to get burned like this, because you had no integrity at all and you need to clean that up. You attract how you act. If you act like a dude that has no integrity, well, you shouldn’t be surprised when you attract somebody that burns your ass like this. And you were probably thinking, hey, I knew this girl for two years and she did this to me.

It’s like, you were doing it to your ex-girlfriend. What do you think’s going to happen when you behave that way? You can’t go through life screwing people over and then be surprised when the bill comes due. It’s like you look at somebody like Andrew Tate, who a lot of people on the right agree with. You can’t build your whole career on fucking dudes out of their money and think that you’re just going to coast through life and everything’s going to be great and you’re going to be top, top G, top gangster.

It’s like eventually the bill is going to come due and that bill is coming due for him and his brother and the rest of his associates. As much as he may say things that a lot of us agree with, it’s like when you act like a dirt bag and you screw people over for a living, and that’s how you made your money. Karma is a bitch, man. It’s it comes for all. You cannot outrun karma.

It will catch you eventually. And Andrew Tate and his brother, they got a big bill of karma come and due. So if you guys haven’t signed up, if I mentioned this earlier, our Members Only Content. If you’re watching this video on YouTube in the links below in the description. There are links to join on YouTube or Spotify for the Members Only Content. Or if you sign up on my Website, www.UnderstandingRelationships.com, there’s a link below there.

Or you can go to www.UnderstandingRelationships.com and click the “plans” tab. If you buy an annual plan and pay up front, you get a 25% discount. So you get six additional Video Coaching Newsletters that are Members Only per week. You get the 3% Man and Mastering Yourself Study Groups, plus all of the Viewer Questions Podcasts that we do. And any other special videos and interviews that we do will be Members Only as well.

And so for those of you guys that want to sign up on YouTube, I know most of you watch my videos on a mobile device. The join button doesn’t, at least as of the time of filming this video, it still doesn’t show up, so you’ll have to probably sign up on a desktop computer. Or if you just go to the description and then you click the YouTube plan, it will open up and you should be able to join that way on a mobile device. But if you can’t, it’s probably better to do on a desktop.

And so for those of you guys that want to sign up on YouTube, I know most of you watch my videos on a mobile device. The join button doesn’t, at least as of the time of filming this video, it still doesn’t show up, so you’ll have to probably sign up on a desktop computer. Or if you just go to the description and then you click the YouTube plan, it will open up and you should be able to join that way on a mobile device. But if you can’t, it’s probably better to do on a desktop.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.