Catching Women In Lies About Other Men

What it means and what you should do if you catch your woman lying about other men and what’s going on between them. 

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he thought he was a 3% Man, but now he realizes that he isn’t. He recently caught his girlfriend of four months in multiple lies about her interactions with an ex of hers. She so calmly, callously, and effortlessly lied to his face that when he confronted her with the truth that was all over social media, she kept lying to try to cover up her dishonesty.

He wonders what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

If you’re in a relationship with a woman and you catch her lying about other guys, lying about other exes, or lying about men she’s interacting with, when you’re in a relationship and you really care, that is not a place you want to be, that is not a lot of fun. Because the reality is, when you see somebody for who they really are, and it turns out that they’re not living up to the expectations that you had, and you know, deep down, you’ve got to pull the plug, it sucks. It’s not pleasant, because it’s going to sting. The reality is, finding people who are good to you, good for your soul, who are easygoing, easy to get along with, effortless to be around, they’re so rare and hard to come by.

And so, when you find somebody who is almost all of those things consistently, and it turns out that they’re lying and they’re devious, it sucks. It’s the worst thing. Even though you recognize it, and you see what you have to do, it’s not a fun thing to have to end things with somebody when they show you that they have no character. But like Maya Angelou used to say, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach, 

I really need your help to understand what has just happened. Hopefully, you can make sense of it because I’m confused as hell. Let me backtrack and give you some history on how I came to find your work. I was married/together with my ex-wife for 17 years. We had two kids who I adore and cherish, and it has been my mission in life to be a present and outstanding father to them. 

Good for you, dude. That’s what men should focus on.

The last 5 years of my marriage were awful, and I wanted out so badly, but I could not leave as the thought of being apart from my children was too painful to bear. I instead decided to suffer. 

And unfortunately, a lot of guys make that same choice because they’re hoping that it’s going to be good for the children. But at the end of the day, pragmatically, kids are going to follow what you do, not what you say. And if you’re displaying a dysfunctional family relationship at home, that’s what your kids are going to emulate when they grow up. If you’re cool with that, then, by all means, stick with it – it’s your life, it’s your choice, they’re your children. But if not, then you’re going to have to do the harsh things.

Because the best thing you can do for your children is give them good examples to follow. The kind of relationships and the kind of people you want them to have and associate with, you’ve got to have those in your own life as well. Because again, they’re not going to do what you tell them to do; they’re going to do what you show them. That’s just reality. Kids model their parents. It doesn’t matter whether the example is good or bad, the kids are going to model what the parents teach them.

Eventually, my ex-wife’s behavior became so bad – with affairs and constant lying – that I threw her out of the house. 

So, this is the interesting thing about the way the universe tends to work. If you’ve got a blind spot or weakness and you consistently attract people into your life who have no integrity, like in this case, he wanted to stay with his wife for the sake of the kids, but the cheating and the lying didn’t end. It was constant; that’s who she was. And eventually, she crossed the Rubicon, if you will. She crossed the line, and finally, he had had enough. He had enough pain.

Divorce followed, and I see my children on a 7-day rotation. Three months after separating, I joined Tinder and Bumble not knowing my own worth and waited to see what would happen. 

So, like I was starting to say, the way the universe tends to work is that he’s drawn a woman into his life – his wife who had no integrity, who was a liar and a cheater – and obviously, there’s some kind of blind spot there where he notices his behavior, but he makes excuses for people.

And so, typically, it doesn’t stop happening until you are consistent in booting those people out of your life. And you’ll see once I get to the situation with his current girlfriend that until you overcome or transcend the weakness or the blind spot that you have, you’re going to keep attracting those same kinds of people into your life, so you can overcome it.

I was gobsmacked at the amount of likes I got, and I went on 2 coffee dates with 2 different women, both of whom told me at the end of the date that they wanted to see me again. 

Notice it was only the first two women, after how many years? Seventeen years he was married and together with his ex-wife. And so, he got serious with one of the first two women that he went out with, instead of taking his time.

Things progressed quickly with one of these women, and before long we were an item. However, I overlooked so many red flags and crazy behavior thinking I could fix her.

So, there’s his flaw, there’s his weakness: “I can fix her,” “I can work with this.” Because after seventeen years he’s thinking, “Man, it’d just be nice to have something good,” because he was miserable for so long. And unfortunately, what happens is those guys attract a woman who is similar in character, but maybe she’s better at hiding it. And then they make excuses, “No, that can’t be the same kind of person. There’s no way it could happen again to me.” God s got a sense of humor.

It messed me up quite badly, as I got attached and the sex was wild. It was after this crazy relationship of 6 months was over that I discovered your work and became a disciple of your teaching. It was obvious that I was a novice and needed a lot of help. I have lost count of how many times I have read and listened to How To Be A 3% Man, and I also listen to Mastering Yourself frequently. 

So, “How To Be A 3% Man” and my second book, “Mastering Yourself,” you can read both of these for free by subscribing to the newsletter on my website. And, you can read “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations” for free there as well, and then buy it if you’re so inclined.

Your work has totally changed my life, improved me as a person, and I have never been happier in myself due to your work and getting some therapy to deal with problems I had following my divorce. Fast forward four years and my success with women, my self-esteem, and my self-confidence is now at a level that I could never have imagined. 

Well, as the saying goes, “Pride cometh before the fall.” That’s why it’s always better to be humble. Another thing Jocko Willink says that I love and totally agree with, he says, “Be humble, or you will be humbled.” And as Confucius said, “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”

I noticed when I was around twenty, early thirties, and very successful, that shit goes to your head, and you kind of start to think that you’re infallible, and you’re amazing, and you’re better than everybody else around you. And then, as soon as you start thinking that way, karma comes along and just beats the shit out of you. That’s life. So, it’s better to be humble and let other people sing your praises about how great you are.

However, earlier this year I got tired of hooking up with women (I did date one woman exclusively for a year) – finding it a turn-off and not a thrill. I would regularly not schedule a second date with women who showed an interest in me unless I was blown away by them… so almost never. Before this, I would be excited at the thought of adding another notch to the bedpost.

Yeah, just sleeping around, sleeping with women you don’t feel anything for, don’t care about, and you don’t want to ever see them again after you have sex – it really is like glorified masturbation. You don’t believe me? Go experience it yourself, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

I took a break for several months and decided that the time was right to find someone who I wanted as a partner and not just a fling. This summer I went on a first date – a coffee and a walk around the reservoir with a girl I met on Bumble. Immediately I was struck by how enthusiastic and effortless our conversation was. It just flowed.  She was more attractive in person than in her pictures, and we sat on a bench watching the sun going down over the water in the evening sunshine. The attraction and connection was like nothing else I had experienced yet. 

At the end of the walk, I gave her a hug, and she kissed me on the cheek telling me that she hoped we would go out again. I told her that I was sure we would, and we said our goodbyes. Note, I don’t kiss a girl on the coffee dates; I always do that on the first proper evening/drink dates.

Whatever. Your choice, do what you want. I always go for the kiss, though. It’s better to find out right away where you’re at.

I prefer meeting for coffee first to prevent wasting time and money on someone who I don’t like.

That’s understandable when you’re doing exclusively online dating, because you haven’t met the person in person, and you really haven’t interacted enough to get to know them, even if you’re talking on the phone or doing a video date or video chat.

Several days later I called her, and she later told me this blew her away.

Yeah, it’s pretty rare these days for a guy to pick up the phone and call; it shows you have a lot of confidence. I get the same response, like, “Wow, you called. Nobody does that.”

And we set a date for an evening dinner in about a week’s time after I returned from vacation. She kept texting me all the time, and I would send the occasional funny response. The date was amazing, continuing from where we had left off, and we spent hours after dinner walking around the city getting ice cream and having additional drinks. I kissed her over a glass of wine and eventually walked her back to her car to say goodbye along with a 5-minute tongue sandwich. 

Nice.

4 months later she has displayed everything that I would want. She doesn’t hassle me or get upset when I’m too busy to see her, accepting that I can’t see her as much as she wants but always accepting the various kinds of dates that I regularly suggest. She also accepts that she cannot meet my children until at least 6 months have passed. 

That’s probably a good policy to have. Especially, which you’ll see in a minute, it’s a really good policy to have when you have kids, because you don’t want to be constantly introducing new women to your kids, and then the kids are like, “What happened to so-and-so?” You’re like, “Ah, it didn’t work out,” “Ah, she was a liar,” “Ah, she did this.” It’s better to only introduce the women who prove themselves worthy over a minimum of six months, or even a year.

We also run together, and just this weekend entered our first race. She really seems to have her life together and be in a good place to date. I told my friends that I haven’t seen any red flags with this girl and that I like her a lot. She does 95% of the calling and texting, tells me that the sex is hands down the best of her life (and she is a hellcat in the bedroom); I really couldn’t ask for anything better. The only small issues have been her trying to plan events together way off in the future, but I just put this down to her enthusiasm and attraction. 

Well, obviously, she sees a future with you, so that’s a good sign – it’s a sign of high interest.

She also has a difficult relationship with her parents, (although they are in regular contact), and her ex-husband doesn’t want much to do with her kids. 

That’s sad, but it happens a lot.

One other point is that despite telling me frequently that she adored me and was smitten with me, she didn’t tell me she loved me until week 12 – the latest anybody has done. She has now said it just twice, and we have been together for 4 months. 

She also told me that she never once told her previous boyfriend that she loved him, despite dating for 12 months. She told me they had split 6 months before we met. I don’t do too much on social media, but just last week I went onto Instagram and had a look at her profile. Her ex-boyfriend was liking several of her posts, and she in return was liking and commenting on his, including one just last week when she added hearts to her message as he had achieved a certification. 

Well, that’s interesting. Interesting intel. You’ve got to remember, you’re kind of like Sherlock Holmes – you’re vetting this person. Just because everything has been great for four months… remember, people can hide who they are for about ninety days, and then the slip-ups happen. Because you’ve just spent so much time together, the real them comes out. That’s why, especially in a long-term situation like this, you really can’t make an intelligent, informed decision unless you’ve at least been together for six to twelve months.

I didn’t read too much into it; I too have connections on social media to several women I have dated. Then just last night we were talking after dinner at her place, and she told me she could not be friends with exes on social media and preferred her life private so exes can’t see what she’s doing.   

Huh, imagine that. Looked him right in the eye and told him a total lie. But it gets better. But wait, there’s more!

I said to her, “You aren’t connected to your exes?”  

She said, “No.” 

I said, “But I’ve seen your ex liking your posts just recently.” 

She replied, “Really?  I’m not aware of that” 

I said, “But your comments and likes are all over his page.” 

She said, “Ahh, but his page is public and mine is private, so he can’t see my stuff.” 

I said, “Wait just a second. In that case, he wouldn’t be able to like your posts.” 

She replied, “Well, we were connected a ways back, but not for several months” 

Remember, this is all right to his face. This is what’s interesting, because he noticed a little bit of intel and he’s like,” Oh, maybe she’s on good terms with her ex.” So, he brings it up, and she volunteers, “Oh, I don’t stay in touch with any of my exes,” but obviously, from what he saw, he knew that was a lie.

This is why you vet people; you really don’t know who you’re dealing with. You’re just buying the version of themselves that they’re trying to sell you. And guys get four months down the road, and by this point, they’re usually in La La Land – “I met my soulmate,” “Oh, well, it’s just one lie. It’ll be okay. It’s not a big deal. It’s just one. Okay, maybe ten little lies in sequence. But hey, it’s just one time.” Keep in mind, he knows what’s really going on and she’s continuing to lie about it.

I pulled out Instagram and showed her posts that showed there had been plenty of interaction, and she suddenly changed her story.

She was confronted with facts.

I told her she was digging a hole for herself, and she came up to me and started passionately kissing me.

Oh, that’s a pattern interrupt. She’s trying to change the subject. Not good.

 I was like a block of stone. I told her, “I’m calling bullshit on all of this. You should come clean and stop lying to me, as it now looks like you have something to hide.” 

Yeah.

She said she was very sorry about lying and thought I would get the wrong idea. 

That’s why she lies. I had conversations with people that used to work for me, I was continually catching them in little lies, and they were worried that they’re not going to be loved and accepted by other people. And the reality is when that’s somebody’s model of the world and all of their decisions are based upon that and you catch them in a lie, people don’t change their belief system until it becomes invalid or no longer works. And since it works with most people, they’re going to keep doing it.

And if they’re adults, especially the older they get, they’re not going to change. You have to decide. Are you okay with being lied to constantly? And if you are, then hey, by all means, stick around. Me, personally, I don’t put up with that shit; you can go on down the road. Adios, Chica. No mas.

I told her I cannot be with a liar; that I liked her a lot, but she cannot lie to me like this. She said she was terribly sorry, and it will never ever happen again. 

Oh, sure.

By now, my Spidey senses and alarms are going off inside my head. I asked her if something had happened, and I noticed she had unfollowed him on Instagram, so this must have just happened this week. She continued to deny everything and asked to talk it through.

What’s there to talk through when you bust somebody in the lying, and they continue lying when confronted with it? And it’s obvious she’s not going to tell him the story, because she’s worried about what he’s going to think.

We tried, but nothing makes sense. She is definitely hiding something.

Well, if her story doesn’t add up and you just caught her in a bunch of lies, you have to assume that anything she told you about this guy is bullshit. And when that happens, if you can’t believe anything she tells you, she’s disqualified. You don’t want a woman like this. Because this guy’s ex, the mother of his children, is a liar just like this, and so, now he’s attracted to somebody that’s basically the same person.

And so, he’s trying to present a good, healthy example of a woman with honor and integrity. And so, when you find out somebody is a habitual liar and they’re devious, well, it’s great that he’s got that policy of “You can’t meet my kids for six months,” because she made it to month four before we found out what she really was all about. Therefore, she belongs to the streets! Disqualified. It’s harsh, but, nope. There’s no coming back from that.

She insisted there was nothing going on, and eventually, we went to bed. I could not sleep, so I told her I was going home and that she should get some sleep. This morning she reached out asking to talk it through with me, and I have set a call with her for tomorrow night. 

I’m really in a daze about this; it’s the first time we have had any crossed words. I really thought I had mastered this and had a tight game, but it looks like I may have been deluding myself. I just don’t know what to think or do. I hope you can help me to figure it out and explain what you see from this.  

Thanks, 

Bob

Well, like Maya Angelou said, “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” So, she’s a liar. You divorced your ex-wife because she was a liar. This new girlfriend is lying to you about an ex that she’s interacting with and flirting with openly on social media. What does that tell you? This hoe ain’t loyal. That’s the bottom line.

And so, the universe has brought you basically the same kind of person. With your wife, you tolerated it, therefore, you continually invited it. And with this woman, here’s your challenge as a man. “I’m going to nip this shit in the bud. That’s it. Deal-breaker. You’re out. Back to the drawing board.”

Or you can make excuses, and rationalize, and carry it on for a few more months and say, “Okay, well, she made it to six months, so now I’m going to introduce her to my kids.” And then, who knows? Maybe she’s sleeping with this guy. Maybe she’s sleeping with other dudes. When there are other men involved like this and she’s lying to you about it – especially, an ex – it’s not worth it.

This is how the universe works. It’s harsh, but you’ve got to get the message; you got to get the lesson here. And the lesson is that as soon as you find out they’re a liar and they’re devious, they’re gone. They have to be, because otherwise, this is what you’re going to bring home to your children, and this is what you’re going to teach your children. And the children already have their mother teaching them to be a liar and be devious.

But you’re the man, and as your kids get older, they will appreciate you operating from a place of integrity. Because operating from a place of integrity versus being a dirtbag – like the ex-wife is and like this particular woman is – is what your kids need. Your kids need to recognize that people with low integrity that lie, that are devious, should be booted out of your life. And so, as they get older, they recognize that their mother is a liar and that she’s devious.

As they get older and they’re more mature, they can hold the mother accountable and call her out on her lies, and her bullshit, and her deviousness, and her cheating, and everything else. Because whomever she’s with now, she’s probably doing it to him as well. And what this can do is ingratiate your children to you, and then they look to you for your leadership because you’re the righteous one – you’re the one who’s setting an example of honor, and that’s what your children need.

So, for the sake of your children and yourself, obviously, I’d pull the plug. I’d kick her to the curb. No second chances for this behavior. Because this woman looked you right in the eye, and smiled, and just lied like it was nothing. And the reason she’s so good at it is because she’s been doing it for her whole life. She was like this before you met her. But again, this is why you vet – so you can disqualify people who don’t belong in your life.

So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“Liars lie and there’s not much you can do to change or influence them to be better. People who lie about little things, lie about the big things also. It’s not your job to change, fix or save broken or dishonest people. Once somebody reveals their true character through their actions, you should believe them and act accordingly. People who constantly display a total lack of integrity only get better at hiding that lack of integrity as they get older. They typically don’t change.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne  

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