Catfished: Am I Just A Sugar Daddy Or In A Relationship?

How to know if you are being catfished or if you have a real relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 61-year-old new viewer who has been in a “relationship” with a 37-year-old widower who has a 15-year-old daughter. He originally met her on a “hookup” website but she quickly said she wanted a relationship after he started giving her money to pay her bills. He says they hookup 1-4 times a month, but there is no kissing on the lips.

He suspects that she is a lesbian and is sleeping with her female boss. He wonders if he should confront them. He doesn’t know if it’s a real relationship or if he is just a sugar daddy to her and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

I’ve got an email, this particular guy, he’s 61. He says he’s a new viewer and he’s just now starting to read 3% Man. He says he’s been in a relationship with a 37-year-old widower, and the widower has a 15-year-old daughter. He originally met her on a hookup website, but she quickly said she wanted a relationship after he started giving her money to pay her bills.

So he says they hook up one to four times a month. They never kiss on the lips. There’s a rule around that, apparently, and she knows all of his closest friends. He has hardly any intel on the people in her life, and she keeps him at arm’s length. Apparently he’s wondering if she’s having an a lesbian affair with her female boss and if he should confront him on that. So there’s obviously some things going on in this email that this guy’s not seeing, but I think he’s starting to realize that he’s probably just her sugar daddy.

Viewer’s Email:

I am a 61-year-old married male in a 4-year relationship with a 37-year-old widow with a 15-year-old daughter.

I missed the part where he said he was married, so I don’t know if that means he’s with her and has this side girl or whatever.

She was a former beauty queen and men’s magazine sexy model. Met her on a dating app with a “hookup” banner.

So I assume it was probably Seeking Arrangements or something like that.

She knew local motels well and where food was good.

That doesn’t sound too good. She knows all the local motels real well. Immediately, “Thank you, streetwalker,” or something like that.

She asked me to give her a monthly allowance then changed this to, “I want a relationship.” First three months were great till COVID came. She would go out with her politician female boss (and best friend) for civic activities while giving me text messages. After COVID, we hooked up from one to four times a month. She introduced me to her two sisters and her daughter, but not to her brother who also works for her boss and best friend. I have been supporting her regularly for living expenses, fixed her car, etc.

Married male. So where is his wife?

She does not allow me to sleep in her small apartment where one room is storage for her boss’ business.

So she doesn’t want you there. Probably she’s worried about somebody coming over and seeing you there. That’s not a good sign for years, but again, this guy says he’s married, so I don’t know really what he’s thinking.

If I insist on getting introduced to her boss/best friend and closest friends, the relationship is over.

Yeah… You don’t have a relationship. You’re involved in what we call horse trading, my friend. She gives up the pussy, you give up your money.

I have introduced her to my best friends.

So what are your best friends thinking about the fact that you have a side piece and you’re married?

She says my age was the issue and that she hates rumours.

Oh yeah, that’s definitely why she doesn’t want you around.

I suspect that her boss provides her and her daughter with an apartment, car, and communication, while the relatives of her ex-husband covers her daughter’s school. I believe my money is used to support her sisters and other relatives.

Sounds like this guy probably has more money than common sense, but then again, he says he’s married. When I was reading the email, somehow I missed that.

She has never withheld sex, except no kissing on lips.

Yeah, that’s typically what hookers do. They won’t kiss you on the lips because that’s too intimate. So you’re just one of her Johns. You’re just a dude that she’s fucking for money, basically. Then again, you’re a married guy, so it doesn’t sound like that really matters to you.

You just got to understand this is a transaction between you and her. So for whatever you’re paying her, you get sex one to four times a month. That’s what you get in return for all your money.

On all dates, I spend. When I am short of small cash, she covers that.  She calls and messages me four times a day. 

“I’ve got to keep the customers happy.”

She blocked me on her Facebook account as I liked a lot of her posts.

Yeah… She’s worried about other people knowing about you.

She felt being stalked. While abroad, we were talking on the phone when her boss and best friend called. She took that call while putting me on hold. When her boss asks her to go out at night for work, she goes immediately without letting me know. I would later find this out on her best friend’s Facebook page. I told her that I did not like being second priority.

Well, you are married after all, so she’s your second priority as well, so there’s that.

Last week, I was abroad when she messaged me good news about her daughter. I messaged her if I could call her in an hour as I was excited about the news. She replied an hour later when I was no longer available. I then called her out on disrespect, she replied angrily. I told her that she should not leave me hanging on unfinished chat. She said I ought to know that she was busy making lunch at the time. We are now on 7-days no contact. Will she contact me if I continue no contact?  Shall I continue no contact?

Well, this is basically your hooker, and I suspect when she gets low on funds, you’ll probably hear from her. It’s not really a relationship, dude. It sounds like you guys are both using each other.

It looks like I am being used as an additional source of money and the “relationship” is fraud.

Well, at least you finally have realized that, but then again, you’re married.

She admits that she needs my financial help.

She’ll be back as soon as she needs cash.

However, she was the one who asked for the relationship four years ago, but treated me like a sugar daddy. 

Bro, you’re a sugar daddy. You basically are fucking a hooker for money. That’s what you got going on.

You know, we’re a little bit more because you’re a regular customer. Maybe you’re one of her VIP customers, if you will, but you get no kissing, so there’s no real intimacy. That means she’s not really into you. It’s sex for money. That’s about it.

Is she and her boss having a lesbian relationship? 

I don’t know if her boss is attractive. Maybe you could have a threesome with them.

She denies this. Four years ago, she wanted me to help her find a boyfriend for her boss and best friend. Now she says that her boss has a boyfriend. Is she afraid that her boss would find out that I was supporting her financially and question money matters and accounting thereof?

I would say maybe the boss probably doesn’t want to want her to know that you’re one of her Johns, or the guys that she’s sleeping with for money.

I am tempted to go to her boss and best friend and find out the truth. Would you advise this?

Many thanks!

P.S., Just starting to read your book.

What that is going to do is piss her off. If you’re upset about your hooker and no longer wanting to see, you probably should keep your mouth shut about that.

I don’t know what your wife thinks about all this, but if all your best friends know that you have a sidepiece or a hooker on the side, whatever. It sounds like you guys kind of deserve each other. I mean, seriously, dude. It’s pretty clear. You’re, just call it, a sugar daddy. We used to call him a John in the old days. That just means you’re one of this hooker’s customers. That’s about it. You don’t have a relationship.

Probably from her perspective, it was good to say that to you because you bought it hook, line and sinker. I mean, you shouldn’t get mad because you’re cheating on your wife, so it doesn’t sound like you’re real high on integrity and morality anyways. Like I said, if you want to keep seeing her, you’re going to be paying for access to the box. That’s the bottom line.

This is not a relationship. It’s delusional for you to think otherwise. I wouldn’t go complicating your life if the sex is good. You need to pull your head out of your ass and see the situation as it is, but it’s clear. It looks like it is. It looks like you kind of realize that you’re just a sugar daddy and it’s not a real relationship.

I hope everybody enjoyed that interesting little side trail and that we didn’t expect.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.