Changing Yourself & Your Life To Please Her Leads To Rejection

Why changing yourself and your life to please a woman leads to rejection.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 24-year-old viewer who dumped his girlfriend of two years and later regretted it. He’s been trying to get her back ever since by trying to relocate to her city, change jobs and basically make a lot of changes she suggested in order to please her so she takes him back. However, she’s already seeing someone else and he’s now her backup plan.

He asks if he has a chance if he makes the changes. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a 24-year-old viewer who dumped his girlfriend of two years, then he later regretted it and he’s been trying to get her back ever since and he’s gone into people pleaser mode now. He’s basically saying he’s willing to relocate from where he lives to the city where she lives. He’s willing to change jobs and make a bunch of changes that she suggested that he needed to do if she was going to give him another chance. So now he’s contemplating uprooting his life to go chase after this woman. However, he’s come to realize she’s already seeing somebody else. So it’s pretty clear he’s her backup plan now. So now he’s wondering, “Hey, if I make all these changes, well will she actually give me another chance?”

So he’s got the complete wrong attitude. That’s why you got to read the book. That’s why you got to read 3% Man 10 to 15 times and learn it backwards and forwards, because seeking a woman’s attention and validation, basically the way you’re behaving, you’re kind of acting like a woman. So it’s not going to work. You’re not going to get her back. All you’re going to do is drive her into the arms of another guy.

Now, it is great that you want to make changes. Maybe you want to get a better job. You want to make more money. I highly encourage you to read Mastering Yourself. It’s free to read in the Members Area of my website, which I think those are all great because a man should always be optimizing his life, always trying to grow and evolve to the next level, make more money, stay fitter, more in shape, get healthier, grow his reserve of knowledge, increase his wisdom, increase his competency by developing his gifts, his skills, his talents. A guy should always do those things, not in order to get a woman’s approval, which is like what he’s doing it because it’s almost like he wants an atta-boy and he’s kind of treating her like his mommy, and he’s hopeful that if he does the things that mommy wants, he’s going to get an atta-boy, he’s going to get access to the box.

The other thing is he dumped her. So usually what happens? I talked about this with Caroline a couple weeks ago in one of the podcasts that we were doing, one of the live streams, because one of her exes just kind of got back in touch after they had a breakup. Usually what happens is the guy thinks, “I’m going to move on, I’m going to find somebody better and we’re going to click more.” Then guys go about 90 days, and then after 90 days, if they haven’t found somebody that they like better or they click with more, they get fearful, they get worried they’re not going to meet anybody else. Then they try to go back. So that’s probably what happened here, but since now she’s dating another guy, rejection breeds obsession. Now he’s like, “I lost the love of my life,” but more than likely, if he actually gets this girl back, he’ll stay with her about 90 days, maybe six months. Then everything that turned him off the first time around that led to him dumping her and breaking it off, it’s still there. It’s not like she’s changed and became a different person. It’s just now she’s kind of unattainable, and human beings tend to like what they can’t have.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m a 24 year-old man. I was in a two-year relationship with, in my opinion, the love of my life. I live in the suburbs and she lives in the city. That was one of the reasons we kind of broke up. The relationship was great. Everything about it was fantastic. Her family loves me. Her friends love me. We did not agree on politics sometimes and some of the activities that she did I just was not interested at the time.

After breaking up with her, I realized it was the worst mistake of my life. We broke up in December 2024, and it’s now May 2025. We’ve chit-chatted here and there. The first couple of months, she wanted to get back together and was texting me all the time that she missed me and I kind of distanced myself at the beginning of April.

Again, if he dumped her back in December, he’s about 90 days in. He’s like, “No, no, I don’t want this.” Then he couldn’t find anybody better and he becomes full of fear. “What if I never find anybody else? What if that’s the best I’m going to get? What if I lost the love of my life? What if she’s my soul mate?” Then he gets full of fear and he decides, “I lost the love of my life. I got to get her back,” because these are all things that I experienced when I was younger. It’s that fear of the unknown. “When’s the next girl going to come along? Am I really going to find somebody better?” And most guys get scared. They want to run back to what was mediocre and what they were no longer interested in, and it’s not good for them and it’s not good for the girl.

When I do phone sessions with guys like this, I always take them back to like, “What were the reasons why you dumped her?” Because if you dumped her after two years, it was already in your heart. You didn’t want to be with her anymore and the only real reason you wanted to go back was because you hadn’t found anybody better yet, but now she’s with somebody else.

I realize that I made a super big mistake….

I think you’re just desperate because you didn’t meet anybody else. That’s typically what happens because I was there once.

…And I’ve been wanting to get back together with her. I was pushy and I pushed her away a little bit more, and then I found out that she was casually seeing somebody and they are having fun and that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship for a very, very long time, per her words.

So what she’s really saying is she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you because you’re trying to go from being broken up for five months, six months to the next day, right back in a relationship. There is a process. You got to read the book. You got to learn what’s in here, dude. Women are not light switches. You don’t go from not knowing each other or being broken up, to the next day you’re back in a relationship. It’s a process. It takes time for women to fall in love, takes time for them to fall out of love and it takes time for them to fall back in love, usually several months. So I assume he’s probably also a cherry-picker, just looking for the quick fix that just solves the problem and gets her back.

She asked for me to give her space…

So that tells me he was smothering her because he was doing all the pursuing.

…And that we would see each other again later on down the road.

In other words, she’d get back in touch if it doesn’t work out with Chad Thundercock.

Ever since then, I’ve been starting to see a therapist, looking for jobs in the city and apartments in the city to show improvement in my actions to her that I’m willing to change…

It’s a bad way to go, dude. You’re treating her like your mommy. That’s not attractive, and you’ll never get her back acting that way. You should become amazing, more attractive, more successful, better job, fitter, improve your peer group of friends and do those things for YOU. As Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” That’s why you do it. You don’t do it just because you think that’ll get her back.

…Those aspects of my life to be with her once again. We are in day four of no-contact, and honestly it has sucked, but she does not have me blocked on any social media or my phone number, but she did ask for space, so I’m respecting her and giving her space.

When a woman asks for space, it means you’re smothering her. You’re chasing her too much. You’re calling too much. You’re texting too much. You’re being too serious. So that means don’t ever contact her again for any reason. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll reach out.

Is there anything else I can do to make her come back to me? She did say that if I made these changes that there is a chance for us to get back together in the future…

Again, you don’t make these changes to seek her approval. You do them because you want to become a better man. Whether she gets the benefit of that, or somebody hotter and better looking gets that chance because really, you left because you wanted somebody who had similar goals, similar values, more things in common. You had two years with her. If I was a betting man and say you did get back together with her within three to six months, you’ll be dumping her all over again for the same reasons, because you’re just not into it. Then you’ll be living in a city probably where you don’t want to live.

The only reason you move to the city is because you like it better than where you’re living and that’s why you want to move there, but if you’re only moving there in hopes that you can get her back or get another chance with her, what will happen is you’ll move there, you won’t get her back and then you’ll be living somewhere, you got a 12-month lease and you don’t want to be there. You probably will have a job you might not be as excited about as where you were before. So the only time you should entertain moving or changing locations is because it’s an improvement and enhancement to your life, and if you get the girl, well that’s the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae.

…So I’m wondering if I do make these changes, is the chance good enough for her to wanna come back?

Bob

No. Again, you should not be making these changes just because you think it’ll get her back. Say you do make changes for her and you get her back and you weren’t doing them because you were motivated to do it, you were doing them because you’re being a people pleaser. Women don’t like people pleasers. They like men that live where they want, that love how they want, the work, the jobs they want, they live in the location they want and do the things that they want. They don’t like guys that change their opinions to match hers, which is basically what you’re doing. You’re acting like a typical beta male, and all you’re going to end up with is blue balls, a broken heart and living in a city where you probably don’t want to be.

If I were you, do these things for YOU that YOU want to do, but never call or text her again for any reason. You got to follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing. If she does reach out, invite her over to your place to make dinner in the evening and stick to it. She knows you want to get back together with her, but she’s seeing somebody else. So if I were you, I’d be reading the book and applying it and improving yourself so you can get some other choices and some other options and get some actual experience applying what’s in the book, so you see that it works, that grows your confidence and your competence and that makes you the most attractive man that you can be, potentially to re-attract her. Most importantly, to re-attract or attract other women and give you other choices and other options, because quite frankly, if you find somebody with similar goals, similar values and who you click with more who maybe lives five, 10 minutes from you, you’re not going to want to get back together with this girl because again, you didn’t want her when you were with her the last time. That’s what you really should be paying attention to. It’s not like she changed. It’s just now she’s unattainable because she’s seeing somebody else.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.