Chasing Vs. Being Chased

Jun 10, 2015 by Coach Corey Wayne

Young woman rejecting gifts from her boyfriendWhy it’s always easier and more effortless to date lovers who make the effort to chase and pursue you, instead of chasing and pursuing to try to force someone who is making little to no effort to want you romantically when their attraction is low.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who recently got off the chasing and pursuing merry-go-round with his ex-girlfriend. He says he spent three years dating in order to find who he thought was the right girl for him. Once he did, it wasn’t until his recent breakup with his girlfriend and finding my work, that he finally understood how much more effort he put in to dating his girlfriend than she did, because she hardly made any effort to chase and pursue him. He noticed they went from having sex 14 times per week and her having multiple orgasms, to having the same amount of sex, but her orgasms became infrequent and she often had a hard time getting wet.

After they broke up, he even tried a “text your ex back” type of program that elicited positive responses, but they never saw each other, and she maintained that she made the right decision by dumping him. He realized he was still pursuing and getting nowhere. He shares a recent experience where he met two beautiful women at a wedding, and how their effort was night and day better compared to his ex-girlfriend’s almost non-existent effort. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Corey,

The name’s Bob. I used to do dating coaching myself. I have come across your stuff recently and wish I had found it sooner. I was single for 3 years looking for the right girl. I recently broke up with her, and it seems to be for the very reasons you mentioned. From the start, she said she didn’t want a relationship, and after six weeks, I told her I was falling for her. (This is the type of thing you see in the movies. Couple fighting young woman about to cryThe guy starts acting like a pussy, he vomits his feelings all over the woman, and she falls for it.) She said she didn’t want that, and I broke up with her there and then. She got back in contact, we negotiated on being exclusive and decided to see where we were at in 6 months, as she was planning to leave for Australia. (Right away, you’re focused on locking her down to a commitment instead of hanging out, having fun and hooking up.)

During that time, she tested me a lot, and from your book I realized I was passing her tests. I was also having great dates, having fun and hooking up. It was always different. I was always choosing the place, and I was starting to be introduced to her friends. Her friends told me she had never done this in 3 years of knowing her! However, I was also failing. I was chasing a lot, initiating conversation, and talking a lot via the phone. I noted that she was dropping off in interest, and the sex was going from 14 times to week with loads of orgasms, to a similar amount of sex and less orgasms, or her not even being able to get wet. Young couple in a bed bored woman I also now realize that from the start, she was trying to get me to put on the brakes. She was saying word for word your quotes of warnings, and without the knowledge of your work, I struggled to see it until about 2-3 months in. I thought, this is how you act when in love. I realized what I was doing from watching an episode of Frasier! I was also going through a rough time in life, I noticed that my passion for work dropped, and I almost walked away from it. My dad was in and out of hospital, died twice on the operating table, had two cancer scares, a shit birthday, moved to a new city, 3 friends had mental breakdowns, a suicide, and this girl. (You were in a pressure cooker in life, which kept you from being focused on your mission and purpose in life, and made this relationship even more difficult to deal with.)

I think there were other aspects to her personality that needed addressing. She did not like hugs from friends, she hated anything romantic, and had never put photos up of any boyfriend or guy on Facebook. I told her I loved her after 3-4 months, alcohol plus needy behavior = bad idea. She later called it, “the most destructive sentence.” (You got all mushy on her, and she was trying to tell you this turned her off.) I could possibly think that this might be her saying, I had not met someone to make me want to be romantically involved, and I could also imagine that she wanted to find herself. She was in a relationship between the ages of 17-27. (Notice all the rationalization. The truth is, she just wasn’t into you at that point.)

She wanted us to go on holiday somewhere neither of us had been. We negotiated, and I came to the conclusion we should go to Venice and Milan, but we broke up the day we got back. Stupidly, I decided to take action and went on one of those texting your girlfriend back programs. (Somebody dumps you and blows you off and you are, in essence, still pursuing. By valuing yourself, you can walk away and mean it. That’s a superior mindset, and that’s what an alpha males does.) I gave myself a month without contact, and then started the texting, getting positive and flirty responses. We even bumped into each other in the hospital, flirted outrageously, and I even called her on checking out my ass.Man standing by the window and using smart phone After 4 weeks of this, I read your material and realized I was pretty much groveling for her attention, although it was positive in response. (This is because you were stroking her ego. She knew you were sitting around waiting on her to possibly give her a second chance. Women like when guys give them attention. This is helping her get over the breakup.) I could see she was being resistant, not initiating, and I think losing interest. So I manned up, texted, then phoned her, and said, “We’ve been talking for 4 weeks, laughing, teasing and having fun. I’d like us to meet up for a fun date and see where it goes.” She shot it down, saying she could meet for a drink if I wanted, but she thought she had made the right decision. (So you spent two months thinking you were making progress by doing something, which I call the Illusion of Action.) I phoned, and this was interesting. I said I had changed, grown, and realized I had made mistakes. (The bottom line is she isn’t feeling it. You never gave her any time or space to miss you.) Then, she jumped on that and said I hadn’t, which surprised me, but I wanted us to have a go at this, and what we had was special. She repeated what she texted and I said, “Well if you change your mind, get in contact,” and she said the same.

Ever since then, I have been reading your stuff. I have been dating over this 2 month period, went to a wedding yesterday and picked up two of the hottest girls in the wedding. One even sent me a text the following day. The first girl I met tested me all night, and I was passing. I even got her to my room, but didn’t go further than making out, just amazing stuff. young lovers looking at each other and laugh I even threw her a cheesy line, which she jumped on, and I wouldn’t back down, and I called her on her testing, which she loved. Thanks for setting us on a straight path with clear purpose and for understanding communication between the male and female roles. I feel your social dynamics are amazing and have put me on the next level. I know you say that you should move on, and I have lots of fun and attractive women around me, but I also have to say, with that one I lost, I wish I had found your material and understood what the fuck I was doing. I would have stopped it straight away.

Many thanks. I will send a big donation when I’m rich! (Keep circulating and don’t invest any more effort in this woman. Never pursue anyone when they dump you.)

Bob

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“The more your interests, hobbies, goals, values and intentions are aligned with potential lovers, friends, clients and co-workers, the more your relationships and interactions with them will be easy, effortless, fulfilling, synchronistic and enjoyable. Therefore, we must remain ever vigilant to see people for who they really are, pay more attention to their actions versus their words, and make sure we are not projecting our fantasy of what we want them to be, while ignoring the fact that they don’t even come close to the reality of our fantasy. Way too many people try to make the best of bad situations and relationships, or worse, force things with people who simply have no mutual interest or vibrational alignment with their own true nature and desires. Making too much effort with little to no reciprocation is a sign that the other person is less invested and therefore, less interested in you or what you have to offer.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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Published on June 10, 2015

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Women no matter what expect everything handed to them. They advertise though sex and complain when guys approach unless you are the height and have the right amount of money. Its a ratio. Of course the stupidity not to realize this. But i dont know what to do. They take forever to respond and do so on purpose. The process is way too long and time consuming. What is a fast way to just be successful.

  2. Hello Cory. My ex-neighbor was on a game playing routine in which I am confused about. It has been a few years since I had seen her but I still have some feelings. I wanted to get to know her and this was on and off with her. We dated once. She agreed to have dinner at my place as I offered this to her because she had two jobs. I came to visit her the next day to come over at such and such a time. (Earlier, she told me that I shouldn’t get too close with her children in case we broke up). She started yelling at me saying “I told you I did not want a relationship. I said :who’s asking you for a relationship? I am just making you dinner to be nice. Outside her place I said “I won’t bother you anymore, but she shook her head “no that is not what I want”. Secondly, I am an open person, and she said she was depressed often and I said that “my door is open to you and we talked once and it helped. The next time I saw her I said “come over anytime and she said “I’d rather talk to my friends”. I was pissed. She tried to get my attention after that but I was a cold day in hell for her. Then a few week later she came over to have sex and I refused. I did not want to get hurt anymore. Well, she was mad.

    About a year after I moved she we conversed on facebook. Why did I do that you may ask? I still cared and still do, but not anywhere as much. She eventually offered for me to come by to her new place then about 1/2 hour later she changed her mind. I said things that I shouldn’t have such as “you are a game player” and proceeded to say that I did not appreciate her doing that. In my stupidity, I found out where she lived after she moved and there was a big beast of a man there calling me names. I would have gladly left without incident but he stuck his head in my car as I was leaving and I hurt him. We went to court because of him and got a state approved restraining order. I left her alone, it’s been 3 years since that happened. I saw her recently and she approached me with pursed lips but I had said nothing, and drove away. So she approached me. I do not know if that was a signal that she likes me for trying to pursue, or she hates my guts. I thought she would avoid me at all costs. What is your opinion? Sorry so long. Be well.

  3. Hi Corey, I forgot to add that she never blocked me on facebook and when we went to court she was actually nice. Sorry the preceding paragraphs we so long. Peace.

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