The difference between chasing a woman for attention and validation vs. claiming her as your own.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says there is a subset of women who say they want to be chased and wanted by a man and that men not bringing up the relationship first will cause these women to not to fall in love. He’s obviously confusing being passive and weak and letting the women do all the work vs. being masculine and taking the lead that results in a relationship initiated by women.
It’s a good email to illustrate the difference between chasing women for attention and validation vs. being masculine and leading women to fall in love and want to be exclusive. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, he’s talking about topics that are in How To Be A 3% Man. You’ve got to understand, our society says to just run after a girl, chase after a girl, seek her attention and validation, fix her toilet, change the tires on her car, mow her lawn. Do all these nice things for her, and hopefully she’ll love you because you’re such a nice guy. Meanwhile, she’s getting her insides blown out by Chad Thundercock, and then the nice guy gets a little peck on the cheek every now and then. And then he gets to listen to her complain about the guys who don’t treat her right, “I wish guys were more like you.” And yet, he gets nowhere with her.
So, the idea is, what I teach is men should be the leaders. That means it’s true in the beginning, men do initiate the dating and the courtship. You get the number, you make a date, you go pick her up, you go meet her out, you go for the kiss when the signs are there that she’s ready to be kissed. You seduce her when the signs are there that she’s open to being seduced. All these things I discuss at length in How To Be A 3% Man, which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com.
I have a simple formula: Hang out, have fun and hook up. So, in the process of having fun and hooking up when you’re hanging out, you take measured steps, you take your time, because instead of just, “Oh, she’s perfect for me. I want her to be my wife,” or “be my girlfriend,” or “my sex playmate,” whatever it happens to be, your job as a man is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen. But obviously, conversations are going to happen, and the idea is that women love mystery. They love a guy that they have to work to get to know, instead of a guy that just lays all his cards on the table, talks about all his flaws and faults like he saw in the movies, and then he predictably gets friend-zoned or rejected.
You want a woman who’s into you, who’s excited about you, who wants to know things about you. Because, as a man, you want to feel wanted as well. You don’t want it to be a one way street. It’s a lot more fun to spend time with a woman who really likes you versus a woman who has low interest, and you might have to go out on two or three dates to get her interest up to the point where somebody who already really super likes you would be.
It’s much more easy and effortless to be with somebody who has high interest. That’s what you’re looking for. But you’re also vetting. You’re trying to determine, “Is this person good for me? Do I like her? Is she trustworthy? Does she come from a good family? Does she have integrity? Does she say what she means and mean what she says? Is she dependable? Is she reliable? If she commits to something, does she stick with it, or is she flaky and all over the ice?” You’ve got to make a good choice, because you can’t make good wine from bad grapes.
There’s too many dudes that are trying to fix women, or save them, or white knight them or solve their problems, and they ignore the fact that she’s a train wreck. They want to be her therapist, they want to pay her bills, they want to buy her things and take her away from her crummy life. Ideally, you’re looking for a teammate, an equal, a woman who also has her life together, who knows what she wants and why she wants it and she’s going after it.
I understand, as a guy you’re not the one to bring up creating an exclusive relationship with a woman you’re dating, nor trying to lock her down. Hang out, have fun, hook up.
I understand. But there does seem to be a subset of attractive women who are actually turned on and their emotions activated by the man “chasing and wanting” only them. I’ve heard several express it, and I sum it up in this way: “I loved the way he came to me, and tried to claim me as his, to make me his one and only. That was so hot, and I fell in love with him because of that.”
It doesn’t mean you hide your interest or you hide your intent, but you’re open to it. And again, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, it’s like playing poker, you’re slowly revealing your cards. Because if you go out on a first date and you just lay everything on the table and you tell your whole life story, she gets bored really quick. And if you don’t believe me, go out on enough first dates and do that. Talk about your problems, all your flaws, your shortcomings, talk about yourself and your accolades and how successful you are, and see if you get a second date with that approach.
The idea is, if you’re the man, you’re the leader. You’re initiating a date, you’re initiating a get-together. And what happens is, when you create the conditions where every time a woman is around you, she feels good emotionally, mentally, spiritually and, of course, physically, what happens is she starts to like you more. Especially if she has to work to earn you. It’s just like anything in life, if we don’t have to work for something, we totally take it for granted. But if it’s an even playing field where she has to earn your attention and validation and vice versa, it’s not just given to her automatically, she’s going to appreciate it more.
If you’re behaving differently than the average soy boy millennial that a lot of the younger women are dating or are involved with these days, and then you come along as a masculine man, you’re just being direct and decisive and making a date instead of texting, “Hey, how are you?” and sending bullshit, boring texts like that. You’ll be like, “Hey babe, I had a great time last weekend, and I’d love to get together and see you again this week. What’s your schedule like? I want to see your face,” or whatever it happens to be. Saying things like this shows that you want her, that you desire her.
And as the weeks go by, you spend more and more time together, and as she reaches out to you, you’re not going to answer the phone and go, “Hey, what’s up? Oh, what do you want to do this weekend?” You’re going to be like, “Oh, it’s so great to hear your voice again. It’s been a long day and you know what, I’d really love to see you tonight. What are you doing? Come on over. Get your cute little ass and come over to my place.” You’re being masculine. You’re, in a playful way, telling her what you want her to do.
Many women want to be wanted, (and not just sexually).
It is important to be with a woman who you actually like listening to her. She has something interesting to say, she’s fun to be around. Because if you just enjoy the sex, but as soon as she starts opening her mouth, you’re like, “Ugh,” that’s not what you want. That’s not fun. You want somebody you actually respect and like listening to. You like the way her mind works, and she’s fun to be around.
And it’s a big turn on for them. Some won’t let their emotions loose until they know how much a guy wants to be with them.
That is total bullshit. That’s a mental thing that a guy came up with. Because, men included, everything we do as human beings, we make our decisions based upon our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify our decisions. And so, when you apply the things that are in “How To Be A 3% Man,” it pushes a woman’s buttons emotionally the right way, in a natural way that causes her to feel safe and comfortable. This is really important, that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself, expressing her interest.
One of the best questions you can ask a woman — especially when she says something that you’re assuming the meaning of, instead of assuming it and making decisions and choices and actions based upon that — shut your mouth and go, “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from.” It’s really super important. And if you’re a good listener and you ask good, high quality questions, she’s going to tell you what she’s thinking and feeling, because she feels safe with you. She feels like she can trust you and tell you what’s in her heart.
But if you’re acting like a cold fish and just treating her like a fuck buddy, which some guys do and they don’t really get to know them, women can feel that. They can feel when you’re into them, and they can feel when you’re just using them. And they also can feel when you have no confidence and you don’t know what you’re doing.
Call it their anti-rejection method if you want. What do you do with these women, who are waiting for a man to be the one to declare that he “must be with them and only them” before they can fall for him?
Like I said, if you’ve done things right, if you’ve applied what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” and most importantly, you’re dating a normal, healthy, mentally stable woman — not a chick with BPD, not a narcissist, not a lunatic, not a woman who’s cheated on every husband or boyfriend that she’s ever had — as long as you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman and she feels safe and comfortable with you because you communicate with her like I discuss in the book, she’s going to bring these things up.
As you’re laying in bed naked, where are you going? All of my girlfriends in the past that I got serious with, these were the questions they used: “Where is this going? What are you looking for? Are you dating anyone else? Because I’m not.” Because the women I date, typically they’re long term relationship material. That’s what they like.
They’re not out dating ten, fifteen different dudes, because like me, they’re very selective. They know what they want, and they’re not going to fuck around with fuck boys or douchebags or guys that don’t have their shit together. They don’t need attention and validation from men. They’re looking for an equal, they’re looking for a teammate, and they’re looking for a man who actually knows what he’s doing, and very few do.
There’s other ones: “Where do you see us in the future? You better not be dating or sleeping with anyone else.” I had a girlfriend, well, she became my girlfriend after that. I was like, “What do you mean? Are you saying you want to be exclusive? Are you saying you want me as your boyfriend? What do you mean by that?” These are the kinds of things, like I said, women will hint at it. Especially if they start asking you if you’re dating anybody else.
Women will say that in the first couple of weeks of dating, but after you’ve been dating three or four weeks, you’re sleeping together five or six weeks, these conversations are going to come up more and more. And so, as a man, knowing what your outcome is, do you want to get married? Do you want to just have kids with your girlfriend? What kind of a relationship do you really want? That’s important, because that’s going to determine the type of girl that you’re going to date.
So, you’ve got to know your outcome. You’ve got to know what you’re looking for. And there’s nothing wrong when, say you’re five or six weeks in dating a girl and you’re deep inside her, you’re fucking her, and you grab her by the hair and you say into her hair, “I’m going to come inside you and claim you as my girlfriend.” There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s very sexy. The point being is you say these things, you reveal these things when the time is right, when you can see that she’s feeling it.
Because the problem with most guys is they’re saying these things out of sequence. They’re saying these things in hopes of locking the girl down, instead of recognizing that she’s just not there yet. If you’re a man and you know what you’re doing, it’s fun to create a love story with somebody because you can see it in her. You can see it as the weeks go by and she shares more of her heart, more of her soul and what she really feels and thinks. But if you’re a cold fish and you don’t care to know these things, she’s not going to open up to you, she’s not going to feel safe and comfortable with you.
And obviously, women that are saying these things, I understand where they’re coming from, but what’s going on is the guys that they’re dating, they don’t know how to be this way. There’s no force in their personality. There’s no dripping with masculinity in their personality. Because when a woman is with a very masculine guy, she’s going to become submissive, girly and just totally submit to him and be putty in his hands. Again, we’re assuming she’s a normal, happy, healthy woman and not a lunatic.
If you’re dating a lunatic, this book is going to bring out really bad behavior really fast. Because you want to girl, if you’re going to be a long term relationship, who’s easygoing and easy to get along with. Especially if you’re going to have kids or a family, you’re going to mingle your families. I mean, at the end of the day, if you’re in a relationship with a woman, you’re also, whether you like it or not, going to have a relationship with her parents and her family and vice versa.
So, if you’ve chosen a good woman who comes from a good family background, there’s a good chance that you’re going to like the people in her family. If you’re dating a lunatic who’s a hot mess, well, her family is going to typically be a mess as well, and you’re probably not going to like hanging out with them very much. These are things that just come with experience and time.
So, I understand where this guy is coming from. It’s not about just laying back and being passive and hoping the woman is going to make dates and ask you to be your boyfriend. It doesn’t work that way. But as she feels safe and comfortable, it will come up in conversation and she will mention it. Because again, you’re kind of holding your cards close to your chest, so she doesn’t really know. She’s not really sure.
But when you ask high quality questions like “What do you mean?” and you can tell how she feels, you see it in her physiology that she’s really starting to like you. She’s starting to write notes to you. Maybe she’s giving you little cards and she’s talking about her feelings. You can tell things are moving in that direction.
So, when the moment is right and you ask the question and she brings it up, then you can say yes. Then you can say, “I’d love to. Of course I want to be your boyfriend. It’s an honor. You’re fucking amazing. These last few weeks, these last few months have been awesome.” It’s like, “Fucking let’s do it. Absolutely. You’re fucking mine, bitch.” Whatever you want to say. When she loves you, you can say whatever the hell you want, because she knows it’s coming from your heart, she can feel it.
So if you’ve got a question, a challenge or a situation you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“There’s a big difference between being a passive beta male who seeks attention and validation from women vs. being a masculine man who leads women to where he wants to go. Women who are in love and feel ready for a relationship will often bring it up indirectly by asking, “Where is this going? What are you looking for? Are you dating anyone else, because I’m not? Where do you see us in the future? You better not be dating or sleeping with anyone else.” Most men are in too much of a rush to lock women down to a commitment before they are ready, and they get rejected. It’s always best if men go slightly slower than women so women can feel the depth of their emotions and desire to become closer, bond and connect. When a woman is ready for a relationship, she will bring it up either directly or indirectly. Asking high quality questions on what she means will make it easy to claim her as your own when she is ready without fear of rejection.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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