How you can avoid choosing the wrong person to date, so you can attract and keep good dating prospects that lead to easy and effortless relationships.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he read my book twice so far. He says it has helped him to be more confident, as well as a charming James Bond on his dates. However, he said he recently dated a new woman and followed what he considers “the rules” from my book regarding dating, and it didn’t work.
He shares some of their text exchanges and what he did and said on the dates, which he says, went pretty well. The reality is he completely ignored or missed some major red flags that should have caused him to disqualify her as a good long term dating prospect. Without realizing it, he is actually encouraging and enabling her to treat him with even more disrespect and abuse in the future. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I have read your book two times, and I’m starting the third time reading it now. You have improved my confidence and how to become a charming James Bond when I’m having dates with girls.
(In my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” I take you through pickup skills, dating skills and then relationship skills. It’s transitioning through those phases. When you’re on a date and you see things I talk about in the book, it makes you feel psychic. It develops your sixth sense and makes you more intuitive. It’s incredibly freeing when you start to see things make sense.)
However, I dated a girl recently and I followed all of your rules, but It didn’t work. After my first date, which was on Tuesday, I didn’t call her until Saturday.
(Well, I would have probably called her on Monday or Tuesday of the following week anyway. Whether you’re a man or a woman, if you’re busy, you have lots of friends, lots of family, you’re very comfortable, you love yourself, you love your life, you’re tight with your friends and you’re tight with your family, you’re going to be busy as fuck. You’re not going to automatically start spending every day with somebody after the first date.
What you also want to see is, am I dealing with a normal, happy, healthy human being that when I call a week later, she or he is going to have a good attitude. People who have a healthy self-esteem and a good, easygoing attitude are going to be like, “Hey, it’s really great to hear from you.” Somebody that’s insecure and gets pissed off right away after a first date, or after a couple of dates, is that somebody you really want to spend time with? After a year of that, you’re going to be fucking over it.
The idea is to learn what’s in the book, so you can screen out the bad people. Or hopefully, if the person you’re dating is humble enough, they’ll say, “You know, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have handled things differently. Maybe I should have rephrased things a little better” — someone who can take some positive criticism. Because when people disrespect you and cross your lines, you’ve got to be able to lovingly call them out on it and ask them to treat you how you want to be treated. Then you give them the freedom to do it or not.)
When I did, she ignored me, but responded a day after saying, “You are different, and you didn’t even text me if I drove home safe after our date.”
(You just went out on one date. You didn’t propose marriage. You’re not in a committed relationship. You want time to reflect and ask yourself, “Is this person good for me? Are they a good match?” If you want to have easy and effortless relationships, you want people who have an easygoing attitude.
In other words, when you make fun of them, they’re going to assume you’re just fucking with them because life is meant to be fun and enjoyed. People who get butt hurt and upset when you tease them and you mess with them they’re not going to have a good attitude. This is giving you some insight. One fucking date, and she’s already breaking your balls and pissed off at you, and all you did was take her out and show her a good time. She’s got expectations that have not been met.)
I made some jokes, and eventually I asked her out again.
(So you handled it right. You went with the flow and you used humor. She’s trolling you. She’s testing your strength. She also might just be a lunatic and that’s the way she is with everybody. But you handled it right, acting like it doesn’t get under your skin. But she’s punishing you, which is passive aggressive behavior. Do you think you would have an easy and effortless relationship with her?
The reality is, taking your time like the book teaches worked. It revealed a really big fucking character flaw that will make it impossible to have a drama free relationship. And do you really want that? Do you want a chick in your life that’s going to make your life a living hell?)
We had a great date, and we made out all night. Again, I didn’t initiate any conversation for two days until she reached out by saying, “You are not chasing me, and you don’t care about me. You should keep contact with me every day so I can develop feelings for you. But this is not working for me, and I hope the best for you in your dating games.”
(Who’s really playing dating games if she purposely, passive aggressively waited to call you back a day later and then got pissed off at you? In other words, “I don’t feel comfortable, I don’t have control, which I’m used to having, and this guy’s roughed up my ego, so I better get rid of him anyway, because he’s probably not going to like me when he finds out what I’m really like. Let me reject him before he can reject me.”)
I was shocked, because I followed everything as you said.
(You did good bro. You should be proud of yourself. Looks like you found a lunatic. The book worked as designed.)
I told her, “Come on, you know how busy I am. You missed me already? I promise to text you if I got a free time at work to show you I care.”
(So now you’re kind of groveling, trying to change your behavior and jump through your ass in hopes her attitude will calm down. Now you’re enabling her behavior. You’re basically saying, “Oh yeah, you can call me, be abusive and give me the third degree, and I’m going to modify my behavior, because I don’t want you to get pissed off. I don’t want you to get mad at me.)
She said, “Okay, we will see, but don’t expect me to respond to your text if you don’t text me all week.”
(You can tell from her tone, she’s fucking furious.)
Long story short, I sent her a text at work just saying, “How is your day?” and she was very cold.
(Now that you’re groveling, she’s going to put you in your place.)
When I said, “When are you free?” she brought excuses just not to see me. That weekend, she posted a picture on Instagram that she is staying with a dude in a hotel. We haven’t talked for three weeks, but we still have each other on social media.
Help please, as I’m going nuts!
(Why would you want to go nuts over this chick? What value is she adding to your life? How is she making your life better?)
Note, this particular gal grew up without a father.
(Not every woman who grew up without a father is totally fucked, not worth dating and not worth your time, but the reality is when she reacts this way, she doesn’t trust men. She assumes the worst. She’s gotten to the point where she pre-supposes the worst with everybody she deals with. Do you really want to fix that? Do you really want to work on helping her be a better person?
You could try checking her and saying,”You know what, I had a great time going out with you, but getting upset with me like this is just not appropriate. I’d love to see you again, but you’re going to have to be nice to me from now on. I don’t like this kind of attitude. You don’t know me well enough, and we’re not in a relationship. I had a lot of fun on the date, but if this is the way you are, then maybe I’m not the best guy for you.” Then you withdraw the offer and do the takeaway.
She may go totally fucking ballistic at that point, but you’ve got to check a girl when she’s acting this way. The only way she’s going to solve this attitude problem is by having enough relationships and hitting the wall enough times, before she recognizes the way she’s showing up is not the best way, because guys are disappearing from her life.
And maybe she never gets over it, but it’s not your job to fix somebody to save them or solve their problems. You gently, lovingly encourage them to be a different way, and if they have a good attitude, they’ll realize they were out of line and apologize.
Run like hell man. I personally wouldn’t put up with this. Life’s too short. You’re already compromising your values and trying to jump through your butt to please this girl, and all you’re doing is creating a bridezilla. You’re teaching this girl that it’s okay, and she can get away with this bullshit because she’s fucking hot. But I don’t care how fucking hot you are, if your attitude sucks, no thanks. Eventually looks fade, and that’s the reality. Once the looks are gone, and you have a shit attitude, how does that add value to your life? Trust me, you want to date people that have a good, easygoing attitude. You want to have as drama-free a lifestyle as possible.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Everyone has flaws, personality quirks and rough edges that need to be smoothed out and improved. The more we invest in ourselves to become better human beings, the better friends, lovers and teammates we will be to other people. Before you can become better, you must first be humble enough to recognize that you don’t have all the answers and need to improve and get better. Unfortunately, most other human beings you will encounter in your life journey won’t be as ready, willing, able or open to self-improvement as you might be. Therefore, after you have gently and lovingly encouraged those in your personal or professional life to treat you differently, but they still refuse to modify their behavior, increasing the distance between them, you and your inner circle is absolutely essential to maintaining a drama free life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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