Coming On Too Strong & Talking About Your Feelings Turns Women Off

Why coming on too strong & talking about your feelings turns women off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 35 year old viewer from Europe. He dated a girl for 2 months before going on a 3 week vacation. When he came back he started talking about his feelings and that he was falling for her. She started backing off and saying she didn’t feel the same yet. She became distant and he was constantly getting triggered by her vibe change. Eventually she ghosted him and he wonders why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Coming On Too Strong & Talking About Your Feelings Turns Women Off.”

Well this particular email is from a 35 year old dude from Europe. He dated a girl for about two months, and then he went on a three week vacation. When I read that, like, three week vacations, guys in Europe are like, they take a month off, three, four weeks off. That’s just foreign to us people in the United States. I mean, taking a week off, I feel guilty about taking a week off and just doing nothing or taking ten days off.

You’re like, are we just it’s like completely foreign to us in the United States. So we don’t do those things that way. Typically we get a week and that’s it. And good, good on you guys in Europe, the fact you take 3 or 4 weeks off. So this guy goes on a three week vacation. He comes back and he starts talking about his feelings and telling this girl, “hey, I think I’m falling for you because I saw it in a movie.”

And then right after that, he’s like, the vibe changed. She started backing off, she became distant, and then he’s constantly getting triggered by her vibe change. And then eventually she just goes to him. He’s like, what the hell? What the hell?

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been watching your videos and reading 3% Man for the past month, and they’ve helped me reflect on a recent dating experience. I’d really appreciate your take on a situation that left me with a mixture of clarity and regret.

Well, at least the good news it led you to my work. And if you’re new here, you can read 3% Man for free UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter and it’ll open up right in your web browser. And you can read it right on my website.

I’m a 35-year-old man from Europe. Naturally open and expressive, I’d done a lot of personal work over the past few years, which made me stronger and more confident. But I hadn’t dated much in this newer version of myself. So when I met a 37-year-old woman through a dating app who checked nearly every box, especially physically. I was genuinely excited.

I got a live one coach.

We dated for about two months. She was very into me in the beginning, initiating contact, showing enthusiasm, making plans, openly expressing her interest, and saying she wanted to see where things could go.

So if you notice, women are just kind of like, hey, let’s just see what happens. Hey, what? Do I like this guy? Is he good for me? They’re not like, this is the man I’m gonna marry. This is her next boyfriend. That’s not the way they think. So it’s important to understand that women like you a lot more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. And if you over communicate your interests, and especially if you start to act dopey, which that’s what it looks like started happening with this guy when she knows that you’re way more into her than she’s into you.

They typically will back off. And when a guy’s not used to that, or that’s what always happens. They get scared, they get fearful. They try to fix things. They call more, they text more, they pursue more. They over pursue. They’re afraid of losing her. And they’ll literally chase the girl right out of their lives to the point where they get ghosted, which is kind of looks like what happened here. Again, it’s like I did all this shit when I was younger. I didn’t know any better. I mean, it’s kind of a rite of passage. Every guy goes through this.

We had five dates over three weeks before I went on a three-week vacation. During that time, we texted often. I thought this would help maintain the connection and build emotional intimacy.

Nah, uh ah. The phone is for setting dates. But again, this was before we found my work, so he didn’t know any better. But again, us guys always do this. I remember when I was shit, when I was teenagers, early 20s, I would sit on the phone for hours and hours and the girl would be ready to hang out. But I would never make a date.

What are you doing? What’s up? What’s up? Lyla, what are you doing? What are you doing girlfriend. What’s up, baby girl? Come here, come here. We got sweet little Lyla. Can you believe how big they’ve gotten? This is like three and a half months. What’s going on, girlfriend? I don’t know how you got in here. I thought I had the door closed, but I guess not. She wanted to see what I was doing. So as long as you don’t start whining at me like your mother does. All right. So back to our regularly scheduled email. Before we got so interrupted, rudely interrupted by the puppy.

But in hindsight, I think it created too much comfort and too little mystery.

Yeah, you over-communicated your interest.

Before I returned, she told me she had something planned for our upcoming birthdays, a surprise, and joked about picking me up from the airport, but said she wouldn’t, “because that would be creepy.”

I would have said, oh, it’d be sweet. That’d be a nice thing to do. You’ll get a gold star for that. You’ll get some extra cool points for that.

These things made me feel she was genuinely into me. After my return, we picked things up right away with several more dates. On one of those, I told her, somewhat playfully, but honestly, that I might be falling for her.

Don’t do that. Don’t do that, dude. Don’t drool all over. Girls don’t like that. You just evaporate all the mystery, and they wonder what the fuck. And then they back off. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. It’s just a fact of life. Because what happens is when the girl thinks that you’re way more into her than she’s into you, then she’s like, uh oh, uh-uh uh-uh. Then she backs off. It’s just it’s as inevitable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. Do not do it.

But again, this guy, this is before you found my work. So we can’t really break his balls. But we can sympathize and empathize with him because we’ve all been there and we all did stupid shit like that when we didn’t know any better. It’s like, amazing how quickly that changes. It goes from being mysterious and being a challenge and her having to work to win you over to, “oh, I got him. This guy. I got him wrapped in my finger. He’s totally gonzo over me.“

After our seventh date, though, I noticed a shift. She started taking longer to respond to messages and seemed less available.

That’s because her interest was dropping. It’s gone. And when that happens, most guys think, oh, I got to fix it. I got to get her to like me more.

I proposed a follow-up date for two days later, but she suggested five days instead. This surprised me and triggered some insecurity.

Yeah, because at that point, every guy’s been through that so many times, it’s like, all right, here we go again. Another one that’s fading away. And when you don’t know, it’s like, man, that’s just the worst thing in the world. Being young and in my teenage years, my 20s, and I’m like, man, I’m sure that girl liked me. And then weeks later, it’s like, can’t get her on the phone. It’s taking longer to reply to the messages. She’s like, what the fuck? And then you ask her, what’s going on? Oh, blah blah blah. You get some weird answer that doesn’t make any sense at all, because they’re trying to protect from hurting your feelings.

Trying to make sense of what was happening is when I found your channel. I began mirroring her behavior on WhatsApp, and it seemed to work — she’d eventually reach out every time. Still, something in the tone had changed.

That’s because you were over communicating your interests and your feelings. And if you’re getting butthurt and emotionally triggered, perturbed, it’s not good. Masculinity is calm. If you guys watched the Stanley Cup Finals last night, game three, what you saw was the one of the things that the Panthers do is they’re always just fucking with people. Talking shit, smacking them around. I mean, hockey’s a violent game anyways. And the Panthers totally caused the Oilers Edmonton to lose their shit. I mean, it was just like the last.

The third quarter was just a bunch of brawls. It was good hockey, but they got absolutely dominated by the Panthers and they got away from their game. And plus, when they get angry and they want to fight, why are they angry? Because they’re afraid. Why are they afraid? Because deep down they know they couldn’t beat them. At least they couldn’t beat them last night. So Thursday will be a completely different game. But it’s interesting in sports, when you watch that and you see a team just come apart like that, it’s just, they’re uncentered. The Panthers were centered. It was their home ice and they had a smile on their faces.

When we met up again, I mentioned the reduced contact.

Why aren’t you calling me as much? Baby, I miss you, mommy. Pay attention to me.

She told me she wasn’t feeling in love, yet, but that sometimes that takes longer for her.

So that’s all she’s saying. Hey, us women fall in love a lot slower than you guys. That’s all she’s saying. But instead he took it personally. He’s like, oh, and. And why would he take it personally? Probably because mom and dad did not give him enough hugs. And I love yous as a kid just like mine. So you grew up incredibly insecure. You want love. You never get it. You think there’s something wrong with you. And so to make up for the fact you think there’s something wrong with you, try to force yourself into the girl’s life. You try to speed the courtship up faster than she’s ready for, and it never ends well.

She also said, “We don’t really know each other that well yet.”

So in other words, he’s ready to make her his girlfriend, and she’s like, I don’t know.

I tried to stay present, but I was already affected. My energy shifted, and I now believe that impacted hers as well.

Yeah, she could tell you were diminished. You could not handle the truth, that you were more into her and she was into you. But again, this was before you came across my work. So we can’t break his balls. Right, Lyla? Right, baby girl.

She stayed over that night, but the vibe was different. Distant, restrained, and I think my internal tension was part of that.

Well, masculinity is calm. If you’re not calm, she’s not going to be calm.

In the following days, I reflected a lot. I believed I had come on too strong emotionally.

This is correct.

And that my openness (and constant availability) had lowered the tension.

Correct again.

I started cherry-picking advice from your material to justify a full no-contact approach.

No contact is what you use when you’ve been friend zoned or you’ve been dumped and she no longer wants to see you again. That’s when you just say, hey, I’m not interested in that, but call me if you change your mind. But because you were cherry picking, you thought, hey, it’s a technique. I’ll just bend it and mold it and use it and it’ll fix everything. Because why?

Because everybody’s lazy. Guys are lazy. What’s a quick fix? I don’t have time to read your fucking book. Corey, I’m a busy man. Nobody reads a book 10 to 15 times. What are you talking about? That’s absurd. Well, guys that are serious about the success. Always the best success stories have read the book ten, 15, 20 times or more. 30 times. They get to know it so well they could teach it.

Hoping it would give her space to miss me, or rebuild attraction. I stopped initiating. Two days later, she texted to ask how the party was that I had told her about. I replied briefly, she said “Have fun,” and that was it.

Well, she reached out. You assumed she wanted to see you when you make the next date, so that was your mistake. But again, you were cherry picking, so you didn’t understand that. You like, turned into a statue and a robot. Oh, what do I do? What do I do? Leila, what do I do? Do I reach out? What do I do? I am a robot.

I assumed she’d reach out again if she was still interested. But she didn’t. Two weeks later just before my birthday, I messaged her and asked if she’d like to come over for dinner. She replied the next morning. “Didn’t really expect to hear from you again. We can surely catch up sometime and grab a drink. But next week is too busy for me.” I responded, “Hm, okay, I thought I might hear from you. Let me know when it works for you — would be nice to catch up.” I haven’t heard from her since. She didn’t message me on my birthday.

Yeah, the interest is low.

Looking back, I see I was reacting from emotional protection rather than grounded strength. I was perturbed, off-center, and didn’t offer the things she might have needed after opening up. I also suspect there were subtle tests earlier I didn’t recognize or handled poorly.

My Questions:

Number one: Was no contact the wrong move, given her communication and context?

Well, she did reach out to you, but you didn’t set the date. You just kind of spun around in circles, like Lyla chasing her tail. So you weren’t direct, decisive, and you didn’t get to the point and set a definite date. You just kind of left it up in the air like a girl would do, because that’s what girls do. They’re vague and they leave shit up in the air.

Number two: How do you distinguish emotional strength from protective silence?

Well, that just sounds like a bunch of psychobabble. How do you distinguish emotional strength from protective silence? So you got to understand, you haven’t read the book yet, and so you’re still fucking cherry picking. You got to take this shit seriously, dude. Because if you don’t fix this, you’re going to keep chasing away every girl you really like. And so what happens? The girls you probably don’t give two shits about are all over you. And you do everything perfect.

But a girl like this that you care about, you lose your shit. You can’t handle it. When you don’t hear from her, you freak out. So like in this case, as the book says, if a woman’s reaching out, you assume she probably wants to see you make a date. They’re not going to text you and go, hey, you, I miss you. I want to see you. When’s our next date? They don’t do that. They just go, “heyyy”, or they send you a meme. “Hey, you! What are you doing? I was thinking about you. I had a good time last week.” Whatever. Make the date.

If she’s texting you, sending you a meme after your last date, assume she wants to see you. “Hey, it’s awesome to hear from you. Cute meme. I really want to see what your schedule like. When are you available? I want to see your face.” That’s what you do. But what happened was you misinterpreted things because you were cherry picking, looking for the quick fix, the magic pick up line that was going to fix it all. But instead, what’s really going on is you’re freaking out when you don’t hear from her, you get perturbed.

Number three: How would you stay centered during a situation like this?

Thanks for all your work. I’d truly value your thoughts.

Warm regards,

Bob

Pretty easy. You got to know the book, because what’s happening is you’re trying to find the perfect answer in a video, but the videos are based on the assumption that you’ve actually read the book and are trying to implement the fundamentals from the book. But if you don’t even take the time to learn the fundamentals, then you can get good information from the videos, but it’s not really going to make sense to you. So cherry picking doesn’t work, dude. I’ve been saying it since I started this, and even though you’re new here, you’re not really participating in your own rescue. You’re being lazy and you’re half-assing it, and you’re sending this email figuring, “I don’t need no read, no book. 10 to 15 times, coach. I’m busy. I don’t have time.”

I was like, well, how nice does the rejection feel? How good does that feel? Not good at all. Because how often do you meet a girl that you really like, like this? It doesn’t happen very often. So it really stings when you fuck these up. So the key is to get better, and you got to participate in your own rescue. There are no shortcuts to success, so stop half-assing it. Stop thinking you’re going to be clever when millions of other people have tried and failed to cherry pick. You might get some attainable success, but you won’t be able to sustain it.

I hear it constantly in my phone sessions. I see it constantly in the emails. It’s like you got to be a good student if you’re just going to be lazy. It’s like, well, then get used to losing girls like this that you really like and it’ll probably take you six months, to a year, or longer to get over it, depending on how long you were with her. So, like I said, the reason why you weren’t centered is you didn’t know what to do. And if you don’t know what to do, you’re throwing darts in a blizzard, basically. So you got to understand how women operate, what motivates them, what makes them feel attraction, what turns them off.

And when you’re constantly getting butthurt and upset, you’re just going to chase a rat out of your life. And the fact that she just ghosted you, that tells me her interest was completely low. And again, this is what typically happens. You started spiraling and you started pursuing more And then you decided you’re going to use No Contact as a strategy for everything. And, even though she was reaching out, you didn’t even try to set the date. So that’s on you. So read the book. Make definite de definite time. Definite date to make plans. Don’t be vague and leave shit up in the air.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

If you haven’t already signed up for our Paying Exclusive Members Only Content in the video description of this video, there are links you can join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. And with the website, you can do a seven day free trial so you can check out what content you get for your money. You can do a monthly or an annual plan, and if you choose an annual plan, at the end of the seven day free trial, you get a 25% discount for paying the whole year’s your premium upfront.

And so with the website you get videos and you get articles or the Email Analysis that go along with these videos, some of the stuff’s not going to be on YouTube just because there’s things I can’t say there. But if you just want to consume videos, YouTube is you’re going to be your best bet. If you only want to like, listen to audio. I got an email from a guy this morning was asking about that. If you just want to listen to the audio, just like a podcast, you don’t care to watch the video or see the article, then I would suggest Spotify. That would be your best bet.

Again, the link is in the video description. Um, because the website really is for people that are serious students, you’re sitting and you should be sitting in a computer reading it on a decent sized screen, going back and forth between the book and really taking it seriously. But when you’re on the go, you can YouTube or Spotify. It’s just that with YouTube, the way their paywall works for their Members Area, if your screen goes to sleep, it stops playing. That’s just the way it works with them. It works fine with regular free videos, but the ones that are behind the paywall, it will stop playing if your screen goes to sleep.

But so if you’re one of those guys that just wants to listen to it when you’re driving the car or whatever, I would use Spotify for that. So if you just want to watch videos, YouTube is great for that. If you want the videos and the articles together and obviously having the books or on the website, then that’d be the best place to subscribe. And remember, on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 2 p.m. to 4 p.m., we have a viewer question live stream where we answer all your questions with myself, Chunky, & the girls. And then Fridays from 1 to 3 where we answer viewer questions. So hopefully we’ll see you guys on a live stream. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.