Coming On Too Strong & Texting About Sex Turns Women Off

Why coming on too strong & texting about sex turns women off & what to do instead.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man, 5 times. He’s 38 and has been dating a 32 year old woman who doesn’t initiate contact and is kind of hot and cold. She sometimes takes days to respond to his messages. He’s making it obvious that he’s way more into her than she is into him. He’s also texting about sex and is clueless it’s turning her off and causing her to back away. I tell him what to do instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Coming On Too Strong & Texting About Sex Turns Women Off.”

So I talk about in the book it’s for the average guy that is probably better that they don’t use sexual innuendo and their text exchanges, because more often than not, they’re trying to crack jokes or they’re trying to be cute, and they’re going to basically step on their dick or put their foot in their mouths. And it’s just best not to engage in those kinds of things. If you’re going to flirt with a girl sexually, you’re going to do that in person, not over text, especially somebody you barely know. And so this guy, he’s read 3% Man five times so far.

He’s 38. He’s dating a 32 year old woman and he’s complaining about it that she never initiates contact. It’s kind of hot and cold and she takes like several days to respond to his messages. And so the other thing is, as you go, you know, when I get into his like his texting exchange, you can tell he’s way more into this girl than she is into him, and he just has no clue. It’s so obvious. But he’s focused on his interest in her, and he’s not really paying attention to the fact that her interest in him is not very high.

So again, you’ll see that when we go through his messages and the things he’s saying to her, her responses are shorter and they’re more flat, and his are, you know, he’s putting thought and effort to it. And, you know, there’s a lot more words and characters in his text. And he’s just not even knowing not realizing it, not even noticing it. So this is what happens. You know, it’s better to underrate a woman’s interest in you, and it’s terrible if you overrate it, which this guy is definitely overriding your interest because, again, he’s all focused about how much he likes her and how much he feels about her.

He’s kind of acting probably a little dopey at times. Coming on too strong is just basically he’s too focused on a relationship and a commitment and being real serious. And it’s probably pretty clear to her that he wants to be her boyfriend. And he wants something serious with her, and she’s kind of trying to keep him at arm’s length, and he’s just not realizing that she’s just not as into him as he is into her. And women like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. And when it’s the opposite, you’re going to get lukewarm responses like what’s in this email. But you gotta have enough self-awareness.

This is why I say you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, not five times. You’re not going to pick up all the subtle nuances. And again, this is why this it’s pretty obvious to me and you guys that are good students and they’re following instructions why he’s in this situation, but to him it’s not. Because again, he figures, yeah, you read the book five times. You probably listen to it as background noise. Wasn’t it really focused on it. So he says he’s read the book five times and listened to the audiobook four times.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I hope this message finds you well. I’ve read your book five times and listened to the audiobook four times. And now I’m doing both simultaneously. Your teachings have been instrumental in my personal growth, and I’d appreciate your insight on a situation I’m currently navigating. I’m 38, a single dad, and haven’t dated in over two years. During that time, I’ve focused on my son, my business, and improving myself.

So the other thing we got to keep in mind he’s new to my work. He’s read the book 4 or 5 times, but this is the first girl he’s practicing with. This is why it helps, and I always suggest to have a practice squad. You have at least three different women you’re talking to, dating, sleeping with whatever, and you’re constantly churning it, trying to find somebody that you really click with. So as you find girls you like more, the ones that you’re not as into, you drop them from the practice squad. But if you only got one girl and you haven’t dated in two years, you got to push the pussy embargo going on.

You’re going to be kind of needy, kind of desperate. And if you really like the girl, it’s going to be hard to do more things right than wrong, which is definitely what this one of the things this guy is struggling with, but he doesn’t realize it because he’s not taking me seriously. When I say, you got to read the book 10 or 15 times, so it’s a lot harder to course correct when you get into the middle of something like this and realize that you’re sliding all over the ice, basically.

Recently, I matched with a beautiful 32-year-old woman on Hinge. We’ve had a great connection in person—three dates over two and a half months, delayed mostly due to my parenting schedule and her dealing with the death of her dog.

Yeah. So the death of the dog is the excuse as to why she can’t see him. And he’s bought it. Hook, line and sinker. The reality is, if you met a girl and over the two month period, you only had almost three months, two and a half months. You only had three dates. It’s pretty clear she’s not that into you, especially when she’s taking several days to reply. So again, when a guy really super duper likes a girl, he makes excuses and he rationalizes her low interest is, oh well, she’s just upset about her dog.

Well, if she was head over heels in love with you and was really digging you, she’d want to be with you to be comforted about the dog. And when you come over, you’re not going to sit there and and drone on about the dog and how sad she is. You’re going to be the escape from reality. You want her to come over and completely forget she even had a dog, because she’s having so much fun with you and getting our brains fucked out. That’s what should be happening, but it’s obviously not.

When we’re together, everything clicks. Strong chemistry, playful teasing, mutual attraction, and heavy petting. On dates, I’ve followed your advice. Letting her do 75% of the talking, keeping things fun and flirty, and using the phone only to set dates. Going for the hang out, have fun, and hook up mentality. The challenge is what happens in between. Her communication is inconsistent and often minimal unless I’m initiating plans.

So why would that be? Well, if you knew the book backwards and forwards, you’d realize her interest is low. That’s why.

Sometimes she’s responsive and engaged.

Well, she’s responsive and engaged and her interest is high and her respect is high. But when you put your foot in your mouth, or you act like a douche, or you do stupid things, or you try to be, you know, sexually suggestive and texts text when it’s really not appropriate. That’s why she disappears. The phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody, not trying to crack jokes or be a comedian or get cute because nine times out of ten you’re going to fucking bomb and not realize it.

Other times she’s cold or takes days to reply.

So if she’s taking days to reply, more than 24 hours, she’s just not that into it. You’re an occasional booty call to her. That’s it. This guy is ready to put a ring on her finger and in her mind, when she’s got nothing better going on, she’s willing to hang out and have fun and hook up.

After our third date, which went great, we kissed, played pool, had great conversation for hours, it’s been effortless. We even had a stranger say we looked like a great couple.

Well, that’s nice that a stranger says that, but it has no effect on her interest. Women only care about how they feel about you, and that’s directly related to how you show up as a man.

On the third date, I invited her over to my place for a recap.

Maybe you were saying a nightcap? Maybe.

But she declined and playfully suggested I cook her dinner next time.

So he’s inviting her on the third day to come back to his place, and she’s like, yeah, no thanks.

During that date, she admitted she’s been in an emotional state and acknowledged that her communication hasn’t been consistent.

So he’s probably going, why are you so distant? Why do you take days to respond to my texts? So he’s just kind of revealing all of his cards. Again, over communicating his interest.

I respect her honesty and want to be empathetic, and I’ve let her come to me at her own pace. 

I don’t know about that. When I read this text exchange, you’re just way over done. This text exchange should never even be happening.

I’ve initiated all the dates up to this point, and I’m wondering when she’s going to reciprocate effort. 

She’s not going to reciprocate effort if you keep doing what you’re doing, because your game is kind of fucking atrocious, dude.

After the third date, I waited three days to setup another date and sent a text to build off the sexual tension we’ve built.

So I don’t think he’s even slept with her yet. So I mean, the my impression when I read this is like he’s got her on a pedestal. This is his dream girl. He really hopes she chooses him. He’s kind of kissing her ass. He’s totally being dopey. And, you know, I could just, when I read this, I could just imagine who she’s going with. This guy, what is this guy has no clue. That’s probably what she’s saying. If the girls were here and we were going through this, they’d be saying the same thing. (Erica here editing this newsletter; I will keep my opinion to myself.) So this is his opener, his opening text.

“You made a surprise appearance in my dream last night, it was interesting.”

She replied, “What was the dream?” I responded, “I’d rather show you than tell you. Let’s just say you weren’t exactly shy… How about you bring that sweet self over this weekend and I’ll make you dinner.”

So he’s thinking, oh, I can talk her into having sex. Let me hint that I want to have sex with her. She knows you want to fuck her, dude. Women are not stupid. The whole reason why you’re going on a date and contacting her is because you want access to the box. You’re not being mysterious. And what is happening is you’re trying to talk her into fucking you. It’s like it’s not how it works. Again, you read the book five times. It’s, you know, this is why I say you gotta you go through it. Because as you’re going through it, as you’re dating, as you’re texting, as you’re interacting with her, light bulbs should start going off over the coming weeks.

She replied, “I’m out of town this weekend so will have to look at next week.”

That’s it. Just one little “poof.”

I followed up with, “Delaying the seduction, huh? You’re cute when you play hard to get. I’ve got Friday next week or the 23rd on the table. Your move.”

It’s barftastic Rocky.

She hasn’t responded yet. Did I come off too strong?

Most definitely. I would not be doing this. And if a woman is distant, especially when she’s taking 3 or 4 days to reply to you, I’m not going to be sending her a text three days after the last date. Especially if you didn’t hook up. But again, it doesn’t sound like you really knew how to handle yourself on a date to make sure it ended in the Indoor Olympics you invite her back to your place and she said no thanks. So that tells me you’re trying to seduce her and you’re trying to escalate things physically when she’s not open to it, because again, you don’t know the book. You were unable to tell that she wasn’t open to it.

She hasn’t responded yet. Did I come off too strong? The sexual tension was there.

I don’t know about that. The sexual tension was there for you because you want a bone but she’s clearly not feeling it, Dude. One that takes several days to get back to you is not that into you. And it sounds like the only reason she went out with you is she didn’t have anything else going on.

This is just speculation, but I’m thinking the dates gave her the validation that she craved in me. And then disappears. I’d think at this point she would be excited to see me.

Well, not when you’re texting her shit like that. That you’ve been texting her, Dude. The phone is for setting dates. Plain and simple. And it’s clear when you’re on dates with her. She’s not getting turned on. She’s getting turned off. And when you’re inviting her to be alone with you, she’s like, ah, look at the time, I gotta go. So you’re being too transparent. She knows exactly what you’re up to and what you’re trying to do. And you were thinking, “oh, she almost came over. Let me text her in three days and start talking about sex. And that’ll get her turned on because I’m talking about sex.”

And then disappears. I’d think at this point she would be excited to see me.

But obviously she’s clearly not.

I’m getting the impression our frames are in “a battle”.

No, your frame is in a battle with yourself.

And she wants me to chase her.

No, she doesn’t want you to chase her. She’s turned off because you’re not acting very attractive.

But that’s not my style and I have zero desire to do that. Currently, I’m just focusing on what’s important and talking to other women. She knows I’m interested, so there’s no need to reach out at this point. 

Well, she hasn’t replied. So 1 or 2 things will happen. Show you the reach out or she’s going to ghost you. You might get ghosted. Just because it doesn’t sound like you’ve hooked up yet. And when you do go out on dates, you’re trying to seduce things. And it just probably has come across as clunky and awkward and you don’t really know what you’re doing. You’re not coming off as smooth at all. It’s kind of like a train wreck.

My questions are: Is she testing me or is she emotionally unavailable? 

She just has low interest in you. Because again, if you’re texting sexual innuendo thinking that that’s going to make her want to fuck you. It’s like, bro, you really need to take the learn the book seriously. And it is good. Like you mentioned in the beginning of the video, that you’re now listening to the book while you’re watching the words being spoken.

That’s the most effective way to learn it, because there’s a lot of subtle nuances that have just sailed right over your head. And even though this stuff is laid out in the book, you’re still trying to get her to fuck you by talking her into it through text. It’s like, don’t do that. The phone is for setting dates and get togethers, not cracking jokes, not trying to be sexually suggestive or explicit because that doesn’t turn women on.

Should I bring up emotional availability and intentions, or let her initiate that?

What signs should I watch for that indicate emotional unavailability vs. genuine interest?

Thanks for all the work you do Coach. Your guidance has been a game changer.

Well, I mean, she’s going to text you back in a reasonably short period of time, maybe hours. If she waits 3 or 4 days to text you back, that’s clear she doesn’t really respect you. She’s not really interested in you. She just kind of humoring you. And so this tells me when you’re hanging out with her that you’re doing and saying things, that’s talking her out of liking you. And from the text exchange you shared, it’s pretty obvious that you are texting her out of liking you. If you noticed, she didn’t even respond to your sexually suggestive text.

That’s because she’s not feeling it and you had no clue that she’s not feeling it. So again, I say in the book, you shouldn’t do it. The phones for setting dates, not getting to know somebody. Not cracking jokes. Not using sexual innuendo. And again, it cautions guys against doing that. You barely know this girl. You haven’t slept with her yet. And again, in two and a half months you’ve only been out with her three times. More than likely, you’re probably reaching out multiple times trying to set dates and she’s shooting you down.

So you gotta remember, dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net and it takes multiple days to get back to you, put your date off in the future. Make it a week in advance when you set the date. Be direct. Be decisive. Get to the point. And stop all this flowery language and bullshit words that you’re throwing in your text. It does nothing for a woman. You actually what you texted her just dried her up because she’s not thinking about fucking you when you texted her. So you got to spend the time with the book because you clearly still don’t know what you’re doing.

So you got some work to do, dude. All you can do in this case is wait to hear from her. And this is why it’s good to have a practice squad. If you have several other women that you’re talking to and dating, and you’re reading the book and applying it, you can be making mistakes with multiple women. And if you had 2 or 3 other choices, you wouldn’t be so focused on this particular woman. And it’s just you’re overly invested and you’re overly interested in her, and you’re just way over communicating your interests and coming on too strong.

You did have the awareness to realize that you think you’re coming on too strong. And so I’m telling you, you definitely are. Knock off the sexual innuendo through text. Don’t do that. You’re not good at it, and you don’t have enough self-awareness to do it properly. Less really is more when it comes to the ladies.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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