Why being controlling, manipulative and generally trying to impose your unreasonable expectations onto your lover, in order to change them into the way you think they should be, will always lead to chaos, resentment, drama and loss of attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was introduced to my work through a colleague of his. He says it helped him to understand why things never worked out with his ex. He met a Russian woman online in September of last year. They met in person a week later. They became friends after hanging out for several months. Then he professed his feelings for her, and things changed. She invited him over to her place, and they started making love on a regular basis. He started going through her phone and discovered that she was keeping in touch with other guys. He confronted her about this, and it led to an argument. He started trying to impose his will upon her and trying to change her into what he thought she should be. Now he is stuck in friends zone once again, and he’s in a perpetual mode of pursuit, which is going nowhere. He asks me what he can do to rekindle their romance since she never makes any effort to see him. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I hope you’re doing great. First, I would like to share that you’re doing a superb job making people’s lives happy and changing the way they live. I was recommended to your coaching by a colleague, and the day I started reading, I must say I got all the answers of why it never worked out for myself with my ex, and ever since, I’ve never skipped any article of yours. However, I feel there is still a lot to learn, and I need your advice on my current situation with a girl I recently met, so here is my story.
I met a Russian girl online in September 2014, and then in person the following week. We hung out the whole day, shared our personal lives, and it was great getting to know her. We became friends, and our chemistry was great every time we spoke on the phone or met in person. In few months time, I started liking her seriously. (You were trying to fly under the radar and be friends first, because it’s the ‘nice thing to do.’) Finally, the day arrived when I told her about my feelings for her, and the next day, things completely changed between us. She proactively wanted to see me at her place. We made love to each other a few times, and I was over the moon. (You converted a friend into a sex playmate.)
The problem occurred when I intuitively checked her phone one day and found out that she was also keeping in touch with other guys. (She’s not your girlfriend or wife, and you have no business doing that.) At first, I couldn’t believe my eyes, but I made my first mistake by asking her about it, and we ended up having an argument. From that day on, her interest in me went drastically low day by day, and she started backing off and avoiding meet-ups. Also, at times, due to her professional life and work, which I don’t actually like at all, we have had multiple arguments on different days. (You were thinking you were going to change her, and she resents it. If you had plenty of options and choices, you would think she was fun to hook up with, but would be looking for someone with similar values as your own.) One day, she literally said she hated me, she was a changed person now, she didn’t want to see me again and to stop contacting her. She even used to write in a personal diary, and as I remember, once I saw she wrote, “Bob won’t marry me.” (You were in a scarcity mindset. This reveals your insecurity. You are coming from a place of weakness and inferiority.)
The big time confusion I am in is, after all of this, we are still talking and meeting sometimes. (You were probably still trying to force yourself into her life and trying to force her to be the way you want her to be.) We even had sex at her place once, but she tends to avoid meeting at her place. (She doesn’t want you to get the wrong idea.) She says she doesn’t want more than a friendship now, but if this is the case, why did we have sex again when she is clear that we are no longer seeing each other? (That was in the past. She’s not having sex with you now. Your whole problem is, you’re trying to lock this girl down to a commitment. You only hooked up with her a few times. You don’t have any right to do this.) I tried to stop myself contacting her many times, but after a while, I somehow ended up sending her a long text, which didn’t help, and now she hates if I bring up and remind her about the personal moments that we had. (You continue to act weak. You view yourself as being unworthy and undeserving, and you’re forcing yourself into her life because you don’t believe that she would willingly want you there. She’s pulling away, because she feels she’s losing her freedom.)
I feel like I’m chasing her for no reason because, in reality, her behavior is unacceptable to me. (She stuck you in friend zone, and your actions communicate you’re okay with that, because you keep pursuing her. You should never call or contact this girl again.) However, if I advise her to change for the better, it backfires on me disrespectfully. (You don’t need to be running her life. Stop trying to change her.) Now I feel like a jackass, as she won’t contact me at all unless she has some work to do or she needs my help. (This is because you’re firmly stuck in friend zone.) Coach, any chance I can get her back? (Don’t call or contact her again. If she reaches out, make a date, but let her know you’re not interested in friendship. You need to read the book 10-15 times, and apply it.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Everyone comes into your life for a reason. You have a gift for them, and they have a gift for you. However, people are not sent into your life for you to change or mold them into what you think they should be, but to be loved and appreciated for who they really are. It’s a reasonable request to ask others to treat you a certain way, and then give them the freedom to treat you the way you want, but it’s an unreasonable request to expect them to change their nature or who they are so you don’t feel insecure about yourself, or so you can feel validated. Everyone resents having their freedom restricted, being told what they can and can’t be, people trying to place limits on their potential and being expected to become something they are not and have no desire to become. Instead of trying to change others into the perfect person you want, instead focus on becoming the type of person you want to attract, and do not settle or stop searching until you find someone who already is exactly what you are looking for.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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