The importance of exercising emotional self-control and not being insecure, jealous or a “jack-in-the-box” type of man.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a new viewer. He’s 32 and recently met a beautiful Russian woman and starting dating and hooking up with her casually with no attachments. Then he found out she went to see and spend time with another guy. He totally lost it and became a jealous, insecure, controlling “jack-in-the-box” type of man.
She backed away and will no longer make dates to see him, but still replies quickly to his messages. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
The reason why I chose his email is because you could see the consequences of becoming jealous, insecure, blowing your top, being what Dr. Dominick D’Anna likes to refer to as a “jack-in-the-box.” You guys probably remember these toys as a kid, where you’ve got the little box, you crank the handle, and then eventually, either a jack in the box joker or some kind of monster pops out. And that’s kind of a metaphor for what happens to guys that lose it when they get upset. This guy, he says he just totally lost control of his ego, and he basically ruined what seemed to be a pretty cool, casual affair with this girl that he had seen a couple of times.
And so, now you can see the consequences of just losing it on a woman. Because masculinity is calm, it’s relaxed. It doesn’t mean you don’t get angry, but what it does mean is that you don’t let the anger hijack you. You don’t let your being upset emotionally hijack you to the point where you behave like this guy does. Because then, you’re not going to make any women feel safe and comfortable around you, because they’re like, “This dude’s a lunatic!”
And before I forget, my latest book, Quotes, Ruminations and Contemplations – Volume II is now out. It’s available in Kindle, paperback, hardcover, Audible.com and it’s also available at iTunes.com. You guys have been asking me, “Hey, when’s the audiobook going to come out?” So, it’s finally out.
I am a new follower and reader of your book.
Obviously, he’s talking about the first book, “3% Man.”
I have read it once after an episode which I had few weeks back. I am 32, I am doing good, running my own business, traveling all the time across Europe and Asia. My question is, what did I do wrong? And how to overcome this and my ego, because it hit me hard.
Well, you’re going to have to exercise self-control, because the reality is we’ve all had this experience where you’re upset, you’re mad about something. And then the phone rings, and instead of being upset like, “What do you want?!” you’re like, “Hey, how are you all doing? Oh, we’re doing great. We’re just fine here. Things are wonderful.” Everybody’s had that experience.
So, even though you may have been in a heated discussion, when the phone rings, maybe it’s your mother, or somebody that you care about, or your grandma, or somebody, you’re not going to be an asshole to grandma. So, you pick up the phone, and you’re like, “Hey, Grandma. Oh, everything’s great here,” when you might have just been really getting into it with somebody. The point being is that we have the ability to exercise restraint, and that’s what masculinity is. It’s dangerous, but kind. Dangerous, but under control. And when you lose control, that’s what makes women feel unsafe around you.
A few weeks back, I wrote one girl on IG. She is Russian. I asked her to meet for a drink. She said maybe/we will see, but finally one night, we went for drinks.
Typically, when a woman says, “maybe,” or “we’ll see,” that means “no” usually. But he doesn’t mention what else he said, just that maybe she changed her mind. But the point being is that when you hear something like that, it’s not a sign of super high enthusiasm. So, that’s something to pay attention to. But it’s also possible a few days later or a week or two later, because as I talk about in, “3% Man,” wait two weeks, then try one more shot. Maybe she’s in a different headspace. And if she still gives you the same lack of enthusiasm, then move on to the next.
We had great time, ended up in a hotel and had gymnastics.
Well, congratulations. Hopefully you guys both got the gold medal.
I didn’t text her for 3 days, and on the fourth day the same date happened again. Then on next date, dinner, she started asking me questions like, who am I going on trips with, if I am married, etc.?
Because this guy is traveling all over the place, and so he’s obviously been telling her about his life and what he’s doing. And she’s starting to think, “Is this guy just cheating on his wife? Has he got a girlfriend or a family somewhere?”
That she can be exclusive, etc. It was too quick for me. I played it cool. All I wanted was fun.
Well, did she actually ask you to be exclusive? Did she hint that she was looking at being exclusive? When a woman starts throwing those things around after three or four dates, the best question is always, “What do you mean? What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What is it you want?” Most of us guys, we just make assumptions. And just from reading that, it looks like he just made an assumption as to what that meant.
Then I went to Dubai and she went to Paris for one week, and after that we were planning a trip together to Germany. She was watching all of my IG stories, replied to them, but I found out that last day of her Paris trip, she went over to see some guy, (not a friend, just a stranger she met).
Keep in mind, he said he just wanted to have fun, no attachments. And so, he’s making the assumption that she wanted to be serious, but he didn’t commit to it, so she’s a free agent and he’s a free agent. He has no holds or control on her. Besides, they saw each other three times. People can hide who they are for about 90 days. And these guys obviously don’t live in the same area. They’re both traveling all over the place. There’s no way you can possibly get to know somebody and what they’re really like with three dates.
I couldn’t believe this. Yes, I was jealous as fuck at that moment.
So, translation: “I became a crazy jack-in-the-box and flipped out.”
The next day, we were supposed to meet and go to Germany, but I couldn’t imagine having fun with her.
Because he was totally uncentered. Now, keep in mind, he says, “Hey, I don’t want anything serious, just casual. Not looking to settle down here.” Then as soon as he finds out she’s with another dude, jack-in-the-box!
So, I told her that and she said she doesn’t belong to me, we are not couple, that I have many girls too, etc.
Yeah, so she got the impression he was just hooking up. He was a free agent, she’s a free agent, and she’s like, “What?” So, this is also where good communication comes in, because he didn’t ask her, “What do you mean? Are you saying you want to be exclusive? What are you telling me?” He just made an assumption, “Oh, she wants to be serious with me, but I don’t want to be serious with her. I’m just having fun.”
We had a fight. I just lost it like never before.
In other words, he gave himself permission to lose it. He decided it was okay to lose it and become emotionally hijacked. And that’s what scares women. Because masculinity is dangerous, but under control and kind, especially with the ladies and around kids. Because if you freak out around kids, they aren’t going to like you very much. They can sense it. They can sense when that dude’s got his shit together.
Kids always know. If the kids like you, and they start climbing all over you like a jungle gym and wanting to play with you, that’s a good sign. If all the kids are backing away, and they’re holding on to some other adult’s leg and hiding behind it, that’s not a good sign.
My ego got hit so hard. It has never happened to me. Usually I was doing this, so maybe it was karma.
Well, as Edgar Casey used to say in his readings, he said, “We’re always meeting self.” In other words, what we put out into the world, we tend to get back. We’re always meeting ourselves. What we put out always comes back and is reflected back to us.
After a few days of silence, I wrote her, how is she. I wanted to close it for me on good terms. I sent flowers to her work with a goodbye message. Well, she replied back, and we ended up at dinner that day. We smiled, had good time. We set a date at that dinner in 3 days, but she canceled last minute and now, to any of my ideas, she replies some diplomatic “No” answers. She avoids me and doesn’t want to meet.
You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. You don’t keep pursuing somebody that’s telling you no and constantly rejecting you because you freaked her out. She thinks you’re a lunatic, you’re a control freak, you’re jealous, you’re insecure, you’re an emotionally hijacked jack-in-the-box. Women don’t like that. It scares them. Because if you’re not under control, and you don’t have self-control, you’re definitely not going to be able to handle a woman that pushes your buttons.
I am confused, because at that last dinner, it felt like before.
Well, if you bottom line her actions, no sex or any intimacy happened. So, obviously, it wasn’t like before. And plus, there’s another guy in the picture for her. And you lost your shit.
I thought we were cool.
Well, if you look at your actions, obviously, you’re not cool. It looks like you may have disqualified yourself from her life.
We laughed for 2 hours. She suggested some trip together again.
A few notes:
– From day one, she replied to ideas of dates with “maybe,” “we will see,” etc.
So, the other thing that you’re ignoring here is there’s no resounding, “Hell yeah! I’d love to see you.” It’s like, “Maybe. We’ll see. If I don’t get any better offers, maybe I’ll go out with you.” That’s the thing you’re not paying attention to. Women marry guys all the time that they’re not in love with. Women go out with guys and sleep with guys that they’re not that into, because it’s better than nothing.
Women are insecure as well. Women settle all the time. The problem for most guys is they haven’t read “3% Man,” and they can’t really tell if the woman is into them, or not. And so, they go marry some bridezilla, and then bad things happen because they married somebody that’s just not that into them. And then they’re shocked when she runs off with her best friend or somebody else.
– She is Russian, and she told me that Russian girls never write first.
I have found that to be not true. Women are women. If they like you, if they trust you, as long as you’re not a jack-in-the-box, they will pursue you, assuming they’re normal. Not the lunatic or the control freak or the structured girl.
– Even now, she always replies to me quickly, always reacts to my stories. She is just being nice, right? Just doesn’t want to meet?
Well, if she doesn’t want to meet, never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. And so, you’ve asked her out several times and she keeps saying, “maybe,” “no,” “ehh.” Stop calling, stop texting, stop asking. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And you’re giving her all of this attention, but she doesn’t want to meet. She doesn’t want to do anything fun with you. So, stop asking. Remove all of your attention from her and see if she reaches out to you.
You’ve got to give women the opportunity to follow through on their commitments and plans with you, or to flake out and disappear from your life forever. And that’s what you want to know. If she likes you, if she’s interested in anything romantically, if she’s truly willing to forgive you for your jack-in-the-box moment and all the nasty things you probably said in that moment, she’ll be in touch. And if she doesn’t really give a shit, you’ll never hear from her again.
So, do you have the balls to let go and see what happens? Do you have the attitude of, “If she never reaches out to me again, I will never speak to her again. We will completely go our separate ways, and that’ll be it. We will ghost each other permanently.” That’s what I would do if I were you. Because you’ve tried all of this pursuing, and she keeps going, “maybe,” “we’ll see.”
When a woman says those things, she’s not interested. And she was doing that from the beginning. So, from what you shared, she really wasn’t that into you from the get-go, but your ego got in the way and created a train wreck. The bottom line is she did go out with you, so she was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt or a chance. But you want to make sure she chooses you as well and she makes the effort.
And so, if you’re constantly asking her out and she’s constantly saying, “no,” stop asking, stop calling. Let her do all of the pursuing, calling and texting. Because you haven’t backed off at all. That’s part of your problem. And then you asked her about it, and she’s like, “Oh, us Russian girls, we just never call or text guys first.” That’s bullshit. The structured ones probably don’t, but normal women, they can’t help it. They just want to bond and connect. They want to hear from you. They want to text you. They want to see how you’re doing. You know, a woman’s favorite pick up line is, “Hey!” A conversation starter, “Hey!” So lazy. But the reality is, most guys are just happy to get that.
Is it lost?
Flip a coin, it could go either way. If you stop contacting your her, never call or contact her again for any reason. And if you never hear from her, then yeah, it’s definitely lost.
I really want to move on, but after few days I always write her like a 15-year-old boy.
Like I said, that’s exactly why she doesn’t want to go out with you, because you’re still showing a total lack of self-control. Because when you love and value yourself, you’re not going to keep calling and texting somebody and asking them out, and they just keep giving you the “maybe,” “no, thank you,” “I can’t, I’m busy,” “I’ve got to get my head together,” “I’m not sure where I’m able to be at this point in my life,” or whatever it happens to be.
Thank you very much for your time.
Best regards from Europe,
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