How to be charming and playful instead of a creepy bad pickup artist when approaching women you want to date.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email crash and burn story from a viewer who has been watching my videos and says that he read my book, How To Be A 3% Man, but failed to follow what he learned because he became overwhelmed by his emotions, neediness and approval seeking mindset while trying to date a woman he really liked.
I critique his approach so he can be charming and playful and do better the next time around. It’s a good email that perfectly illustrates how easy it is to give off a creepy, weird vibe that repels instead of attracts women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well, I’ve got a cringeworthy video here. This guys says he’s watched a bunch of my videos, and he’s read my book. I assume he’s talking about my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, but it doesn’t sound like he’s read it 10 to 15 times, because he also says that even though he’s for me with my work, he met this particular woman and he just totally became overwhelmed by his emotions. And you’ll see when I go through his email that it was just a train wreck.
Plus, on top of that, he’s got mutual friends that are friends with this particular woman who more than likely want to date her also, so he’s getting cock-blocked by them. And it’s another reason why what I talk about in How To Be A 3% Man is that you want to keep this stuff to yourself. Because if you have mutual friends, especially if there’s mutual guy friends that know a particular woman, usually there’s going to be one or two or more that would like to date her but don’t have the guts to go for it. Or maybe they’ve been friend-zoned, so they’ll actually work against you and make you look bad. That’s why it’s best to keep these things to yourself, because gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.
When you’ve got a closed group of people and you start running your mouth or talking to one of them in confidence, especially if you’re talking to a woman, because women historically can’t keep secrets for very long. I remember reading a study a few years ago, I think it said something like the most the average woman keep a secret for is about forty-five seconds before they have to tell somebody. And it’s pretty funny when you think about it. But if you’re in one of these situations, as the old Indian proverb goes, if tribe not to know, keep mouth shut.
There was a review on my new book, Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations, and one of the guys was saying how he looked forward to the handcrafted quotes at the beginning of my videos. There’s two hundred fifty of them in here, and the feedback I’m getting is that people are saying it really ties in all the concepts in both of my first two books, How To Be A 3% Man and Mastering Yourself. It’s available in iTunes and Audible in audio book format, and I highly encourage you to go get it. But you can read all three of these books for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com, just subscribe to the email newsletter.
This guy became totally overwhelmed by his emotions, his neediness, and you could see there was also some approval seeking behavior. And so, instead of coming off as charming and playful, he gives off his weird, creepy vibe. And then on top of that, he’s involving these supposed guy friends of his with this particular girl. And what’s going on, it’s obvious they’re probably cock-blocking him too and making her feel bad about interacting with him, but he’s doing himself no favors with his behavior.
I saw your videos and read your book.
Well, that’s why I say read it 10 to 15 times, especially if these are your natural tendencies, to do things that turn women off, because you’re emotionally anchored to the wrong way to show up that creates attraction. And what you’ll see is that he’s too controlling. He’s tries too hard to interact with her, he’s not paying attention and he doesn’t give her the space to feel comfortable with him. Instead, he’s trying to force himself.
So, what happens is he gives off this weird, creepy vibe that’s the kind of vibe that a stalker would give off, or a guy that would become an abusive boyfriend or physically abuse her or put her in a position where she could potentially be taken advantage of, or raped, or something happened to her physically. So, all women have this instinct to sense this, and when a guy behaves this way and gives off this vibe, it scares them and they’re going to run away.
It helped me, but I made mistakes anyway with a girl I like.
And that’s why I say read a 10 to 15 times, because repetition is the mother of skill. You’ve got to practice this stuff, because if you just wait for a girl you’d really like to come along, and then you start practicing it, you haven’t gotten any better. And then all of those negative emotions that you’re anchored to are going to influence your behavior in a negative way.
I met a girl and I really liked her, so I asked her out. She was interested in me, and everything was going fine. We became physically intimate, we kissed, but then she said that it’s too soon, so I just backed away.
Well, a lot of guys make the mistake when a woman pushes you away like this that a delay is a permanent denial. All it means is you’re moving a little too fast. You’re trying to rush things too much beyond her comfort zone. But obviously, when you’re trying to fumble through and figure this stuff out, you have to get into these situations. And the more you practice, the more you see what works and what doesn’t work. And the more that you see the things that are in my book that they work, the more that builds your self-confidence and it makes it easier and easier as time goes by, and you go through more repetitions with other women to do the right things.
Then 2 days later she texted me. We chatted, I asked her to come over for a movie and she didn’t respond for 3 days.
So, when you invite a woman over to your house who you maybe went out with on a date and you kissed, and she says we’re moving too fast, and then you invite her over for a movie, you’re basically saying, “Hey, you want to come over and fuck?” And that is lack of self-awareness. It’s not paying attention to where she is at. So, if a girl is backing away because you came on too strong in the first date, the worst thing you could do is invite her over to your house for the next one. I’d go pick her up or meet her out, have another date, spend more time talking to her. He’s just too much in a rush to get access to the promised land.
I got panicked and I asked her, “What is going on?”
That is just… come on, man. Come on, man! Well, when you say that you’re just basically saying, I’ve got no game, I don’t understand women, I’m weird, I’m creepy, and you should probably reject me. That communicates that you are uncentered, you have become unglued. She took three days to reply. Women will do this on purpose when they get that weird vibe from you. That’s why you’re cool either way. You’re unattached to any outcome.
Instead of being, “Hey, it’s awesome to hear from you. We should get together,” instead he’s like, “What’s going on?! What’s going on with you, woman? I’m upset. I can’t work, I can’t think straight. I’m obsessed. I’m a weirdo.” That’s the vibe you give off. It’s no bueno.
Then she told me that she wants to be just friends with me, but I told her that maybe things went too fast, so let’s take some time off from each other and let’s take it slow, we will see where things will go.
I would have just said, “I’m not interested in being friends, but, hey, if you change your mind, get in touch.” But I think at this point, the damage was done.
After 1 week, we ran into each other while grocery shopping and I started to talk to her again. I met her on my way home from gym. She was with her friends. I just shook hands, talked to other guys and she was not looking at me, so I thought maybe I am making her uncomfortable, so I left. But then she looked at me with an expression that she didn’t wanted me to leave and had a bit of an upset face.
Well, there was definitely some interest there in the beginning, but you’re not reading the signs and you’re trying too hard. You’re too forceful and too controlling, and that scares women. Remember the Thich Nhat Hanh quote I say all of the time, and it’s in my book “How To Be A 3% Man”: “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” Do you think you made her feel like she was free to come and go as she pleases without causing you to lose your shit? Obviously not. You’re supposed to be unperturbable, and you communicated that you were totally perturbed when you’re like, “Hey, what’s going on?”
One day I asked her to go out with me, and she said she will tell me after asking our common friends to come along.
So, she wants some cock-blockers.
She didn’t want to meet me alone. Then I got busy with my work and later in the evening I saw her out with those friends, but I was not upset. I just went to her and said that I want to talk to you.
Come on, man! It’s a bad way to go. When you tell her, “we need to talk,” you’re basically saying, “I want to have a serious conversation.” It’s like, dude, you kissed her one time. It’s like, “I’ve got to lock her down! I’ve got to make her mine! She’s going to get away! That’s what I saw in the movie.”
She said she will talk to me later.
You’re just making her feel totally uncomfortable, bro.
We went our separate ways. The next day when I woke up, I saw that she has already blocked me.
See? You’re not paying attention. When you don’t read the book 10 to 15 times and you continue to act the same weird, creepy way as you used to before you came across my work, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got. And that’s what’s happening here.
Two days later, I talked to her on a messaging app where she did not block me, and I told her that I really like her.
She knows that, dude. If you’re talking to a woman, she knows you like her.
And if I did anything that she is upset about I am sorry for that. I said to her that I can’t stop thinking about her, and that I really want things between us to go somewhere.
It’s like, you’re talking so serious. Love is playful and fun. And this is more “I’ve got to control this woman. I’ve got to force her to do what I want, because deep down, I don’t think she’ll like me.” And so, you’re communicating that. You’re saying, “I know you’re not going to like me. I know you’re not going to like me. I know I’m not good enough. I know I’m not good enough. But please like me anyway, Your Highness.” How can she help but say, “You know what, you’re right. You don’t deserve me.”
She told me that she doesn’t have any feelings for me.
Feelings take time, bro. There was an attraction in the beginning, but you fumbled the football.
Then I didn’t say anything, and I told her bye. Will she be coming back???
I’d say, probably not. Normally I’d say flip a coin, it could go either way, but I would say there’s maybe a 5% chance. It’s really low, bro.
And what can I do on my side to make it happen???
Bro, that’s your problem. You’re trying to make things happen because you’re attached to your desire, instead of being like, “Hey, cool. Maybe she gets in touch. Maybe she doesn’t.” It shouldn’t matter. What you should be doing is dating and having a good time. And those “friends” that are in common should hear about you hanging out with other girls, especially girls that are prettier, and having a good time.
And if they say, “Hey, what happened to you and so and so?” you’ll be like, “Hey, we went out once. She seemed like a nice girl. I don’t know. I haven’t talked to her, but I met somebody new and things are going great. I’ve got three girls I’m dating. It’s amazing. I’m so happy. Why would I want to settle down with just one girl?” Those things can work to your advantage. “Oh, he’s fucking three different girls. You shouldn’t like him.” And she’ll be like, “Really? He’s dating three other women? I wonder why he hasn’t tried calling me. Maybe I should unblock him and ask him.”
There is one more thing. Our common friends do not want me and that girl to be together.
Probably because some of them want to fuck her. This is why you keep shit to yourself. Tribe not to know, keep mouth shut. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, and this is exactly why. Because you’re getting cock-blocked by the beta male orbiters that are circling, looking for their opportunity. And that’s the real reason. So, any of those guys that are saying they don’t want you two to be together, it’s because they want to be together with her. And so, they’re trying to fly under the radar and be friends first, but instead, they’re stuck in blue-ball zone.
They are bit narcissistic, and they told me that if I wanted to keep friendship with them then I must not talk about her.
Yeah, it sounds like you’ve been just vomiting your feelings and your interest all over these guys. And all they did was go to her and make you look weird and creepy, even though you did a good job of that yourself.
And they told the same thing to her.
Yeah, totally. See, you should have kept it on the down-low. See, what happened was also you gave off the vibe that you’re going to bring drama and problems into her social circle, which you did. So, the idea is women would rather be able to hook up with you and date you in secret and see where things go and have you totally keep it between the two of you. And if people ask, just say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. And even if I was dating her, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. I can neither confirm nor deny anything happened.”
It was the day when they became angry with the girl that we were seeing each other without telling them anything, and she just said sorry to them and started getting distant from me.
Yeah, because they probably all want to fuck her and they’re jealous of you. Because you had a shot, but you fumbled the football.
I broke my friendships with those guys, saying that I cannot trust you anymore.
Well, again, “How To Be A 3% Man” is only going to help you if you actually apply it, and when you do the opposite, this is what happens. This is why it says, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. You don’t tell your friends. I even had some examples where I was sharing things with some of the guys that I was working with, and because they knew the girl I was dating and they kind of secretly wanted to slide in there as well, they would say things to cock-block me. Or they would gossip to the girls in the office, and then, all you’ve got to do is tell one of them because they all knew that particular girl before she became my girlfriend. And they would go out and hang out and lunch.
So, whatever happened, if I told one of the guys, they’d tell one of one of the girls, the loan processors. Within an hour, I’d get a call from her, “Oh, so I heard this and I heard that.” And then I learn the hard way, you just keep your mouth shut. It’s just not worth it. It never ends well. They’re not going to help you. Because a lot of guys are beta male orbiters, and you think they’re on your side, but really they want to fuck the girl you’re all friends with, and they will cock-block you. They say, “Hey, how are you? Oh, yeah. I think you guys would make a great couple.” And then behind your back, they’re going “That guy’s a fucking asshole. Don’t date him. He’s a jerk.”
But she is still friends with them.
You know what, they all deserve each other. Because it also sounds like she needs to keep a lot of beta male orbiters for attention and validation. So, why would you want that? I wouldn’t want that. No bueno.
So, like I said, I don’t think you’re going to hear from her again. It’s possible, but the best thing you can do to make that a possibility is meet and date as many women as possible. And you can let it go through the grapevine that you’re dating and having a great time. And if anybody asks, you say, “Oh, I haven’t talked to her a long time, but I am dating three other girls and I’m having a lot of fun, so I don’t really fucking care.” No, I wouldn’t say that. I’d be like, “She’s a nice girl, but I don’t know. I haven’t talked to her. I met a bunch of other girls right after, and I’ve been kind of busy. My dance card has been full.”
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“Love is playful and fun. Love is freedom. Love is allowing. Love is giving without expectations or attachment to any outcome. Being unattached to any outcome does not mean there is a lack of desire, it just means that you are not hijacked and controlled by your desire. You are simply okay with any and all outcomes because you have faith that eventually, the right person or the right opportunity will effortlessly manifest after consistent effort to make your desires a reality. Self-love means that you want what’s best for you and you want and will only accept those who want you also. Why? Because it is demeaning, degrading and disrespectful to yourself to try to keep those in your life who don’t want to keep you in theirs. Self-love is choosing to only spend your time where you are celebrated, cherished and welcome, instead of where you are simply tolerated.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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