Some things you should consider if your crotch is on fire, and your intimate needs are not being fulfilled in your current relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a sixty-four year old woman who works in a correctional facility. Her husband is 74, has no libido and he considers eating a nice meal and going to bed early a great life. They have been married for almost forty years. She said their life is boring, but she loves him.
Since she started working her current job, another male guard has been flirting and showing her attention. She says she would never leave her husband, but her crotch is on fire for this other guy. She wants to have an affair, but is torn on what she should do out of loyalty to her husband and family. She has needs he appears to be unwilling or unable to fulfill. She asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’m 64 years old, and my first child was born out of wedlock to the love of my life, who treated me like shit. I tolerated it until she was born. I could accept him treating me poorly, but not her.
(Good for you for having the strength to leave.)
My second husband, whom I have been married to for close to 40 years and the father of my second child, was the exact opposite. He is safe and boring, but I loved him. At that time, they did not use the phrase “in love” versus love. And I love him, but I am not in love with him.
(There’s definitely some passion missing. You can tell yourself, “It doesn’t matter. I don’t care,” and then one day somebody comes along in your life that stirs things inside of you. This happened to me in my mid-20’s, about a year after I had gotten married. I wrote about it in my book.)
We have lived a boring co-existence most of this time, no sex, but it did not bother me. My children are highly accomplished, and my grandson is also highly accomplished for his age. All was fine, until I started working in a correctional facility, lots of men there, and this one officer was flirting with me. I have always had a very, very low self-esteem.
(If you don’t believe you’re entitled to very much, then being in a relationship where there’s really no sex and no passion seems perfectly normal. You’re constantly telling yourself, “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to have what what I really want. I don’t deserve to have the kind of passion I did in my first relationship.”)
I am very overweight, pretty and very accomplished, but never felt like I was worthy of anything, because of my atrociously fucked up childhood, which is another story.
In this facility, it is difficult to talk, because officers, staff and inmates are within hearing distance, especially in my unit. He started flirting with me, and I felt ALIVE.
(You’re never too old to become the person you’re meant to be.)
I started exercising and lost some weight, but I have a long way to go.
(He made you feel good, because he was flirting with you, and what did you do? You started exercising and taking better care of yourself. Why is that? Remember, people will do more to avoid pain than they will to gain pleasure. There’s potential pleasure there of getting even more attention and getting more flirtation from this guy, so there’s a positive reward for you, which makes you want to go work out. You have a positive reason to take better care of yourself.)
My libido went through the roof, fantasizing and masturbating through the roof. Because of the attention he was giving me, and the feeling of being ALIVE, I started to like him.
I thought he was married, but now I think he is separated. I am married, but no sex in a very long time, and now I am longing for the intimacy with this other person. I would NEVER divorce my husband, because it would cost me a fortune, and he does not deserve that. My girls would hate me, because I hurt my husband. I am of the belief that people would find out, especially in the facility where I work where everyone is fucking everyone, but they all act like puritans.
He is at times hot and then cold with me, which hurts me. He flirts one week, and then he’s cold the next week. I guess when he has a date with someone else, he won’t even look at me. I have overheard him saying he has gone on some dates, and they have not been much to speak of. He has told the staff he likes me, but made it sound like it was because I am witty, not in those words.
He initially was very attentive to me, stares at me and flirts with his eyes and expressions. I have 3 degrees, and he is a high school grad. He is not very articulate. His vocabulary consists mostly of the words “fuck” and “dah,” a bit of an exaggeration.
I would love to have an affair with him, but I would be a trophy for him, based on my position, and I really think he would talk.
(It sounds like there’s a lot of downside risk in that. Plus, you want to stay faithful to your husband, and don’t want to break up the family.)
I don’t like the hot and cold, so I have been the ice queen. Fuck you and the horse you came in on is my attitude.
And I know I will never leave my husband. Yes I have tried working things out with my husband, but he is 74 and has no libido. A fun night for him is a good meal and going to bed early.
(The things you’ve got to consider is that if you tell your husband you have needs and you want to have sex, and he won’t get a penis pump, he won’t take Viagra and he has no interest in satisfying you, what are your choices then? If you’re husband is unwilling to participate in your marriage and fulfill you sexually, your choice is to put up with it and be unsatisfied, you could potentially leave him, or maybe you could have some kind of an open relationship. You’re going to have to sit down and have a real heart to heart conversation with your husband. You’ve got to decide what’s important to you.
The purpose of all relationships is, you go there to give. You’re there to help each other grow and become more. You’re there to meet each others needs. It sounds like he’s refusing to meet your needs, so in the interest of full disclosure, you need to say “These needs are important to me, and as my husband of forty years, if you’re telling me you have zero interest of fulfilling them, then we can stay together and I can get fulfilled somewhere else, or we can split up and go our separate ways.”
You have to figure out what’s important to you. Is having sex and getting fulfilled sexually important enough to you to potentially risk the end of your marriage and having your daughters pissed off at you?
I can’t answer that for you. My job as a coach is not to make your decisions. It’s just to give you information, skills and tools, so you can get them answered for yourself. If you’re overweight and you want to be more attractive to your husband, maybe it’s part of taking better care of yourself and looking sexier. You want to do it for yourself, because you want to look good, and you want to feel good. You’re a sexual being.
You have to talk it out with him and decide what’s best for you. At the end of the day, are you satisfied spending the rest of your life not being fulfilled sexually? What if you’re physically incapacitated and unable to have sex down the road? You have a lot of questions you need to answer for yourself and what’s important to you. It’s all about your outcome. What do you want to achieve? You either stay, you leave or you open the terms of your relationship.
Think about it from this perspective, if you go and start hooking up with this guy, you really enjoy spending time with him, he causes you to feel young and beautiful again, and you want to take better care of yourself, you may find yourself leaving your husband anyway down the road.
Just because you’re 64 doesn’t mean your life is over. You have to decide, what is important to you? What do you want? What is a must? What must you achieve, and what must you experience between now and when you get to the end of your life? Have the courage to build your life around that answer, even if it means you have to experience some pain and difficulty with your family members.)
I still have a lot of fire in me. My question is, should I have an affair with him? My crotch is on fire for him. You have said that you should look at the consequences. I think they will be high for me, and feel I will regret it, but I am so emotionally starved that I don’t think I can resist.
(The honorable thing to do is have a serious discussion with your husband, and you’ve got to stand up for yourself and what you want. If he’s unwilling to meet your needs, quite frankly, that’s selfish. You have to decide, does that work for you or not? Does the downside risk outweigh the benefits? Think about the negative consequences of you continuing to live your life and not be fulfilled. That’s going to cause you to lose hope on many levels. Once you start to lose hope, you’re like, why take care of yourself?
If your husband is in the mindset that he’s got one foot in the grave, and he just doesn’t give a fuck, from a value perspective, you don’t share that value and you certainly don’t share that particular goal. If you want to be happy and fulfilled, you’ve got to be with somebody who shares your goals and values. Obviously, you have a lot to think about, but at the end of the day you’ve got to do what’s right for you.)
“Life is short and your time is limited. Everyone must determine what is really important to them and then have the courage to build their lives and lifestyles around that. Someday your life is going to be over. What would you build if you knew you could not fail? What must you experience or achieve in order to feel like you accomplished your life’s purpose and enjoyed your life? What must you change in your life right now, in order to put yourself onto a better path to accomplishing your grandest goals and dreams?” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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