How you can use humor and playfulness when dating a dominant alpha female, so she becomes playful, submissive and more attracted to you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who completely misread a woman’s actions and behavior on a date. She was inviting him to come closer to facilitate intimacy during their second date, but he took her invitation as a slight to his manhood and became butthurt and angry.
She was trying to get to know him and ask personal questions because she was interested in him, but he got upset about that also and reprimanded her for it. Needless to say, the date ended shortly thereafter, and he hasn’t heard from her since. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Like I talk about in my book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” love is playful, fun and humorous. What I’m seeing a lot of is guys letting women they’re in a relationship with or on a date with get under their skin. They’re taking things personally, instead of assuming the best and having a humorous outlook on life.
Hi Coach Corey,
I’m in a weird situation and need some help. Met this woman who is a federal border agent. She’s SUPER alpha/dominant.
Obviously, being in law enforcement and that kind of work, you have to be, because if you’re displaying weakness, you’re going to get your ass handed to you and potentially get killed in the line of duty.
I consider myself a dominant man, but she’s so overwhelming that when I push back against her controlling behavior she flips out.
Remember the statement, “no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment?” Keep that in mind as I go through the email.
I like her, but I’m not allowing her to steal my manhood away.
That’s what I love about what I do, with just asking people questions. They start telling you their perception behind things. This is his self-talk. This is the way he views himself. He views himself as, women are a potential slight to his manhood.
Now, where could he have possibly learned that from? Maybe he had domineering mother? We don’t know. The point being is, that kind of mindset just got revealed in those two sentences.
Our first date went great. Followed all the rules, and she asked me to hang out the next three days in a row.
“All the rules,” of course. My book is not etched in stone. It’s not meant to be the ironclad rule book and if you break one rule, you’re fucked basically. The idea is it’s to give you an idea of a mindset, a general understanding, a general fundamental look at male and female interactions and behavior, so you can apply the right method or mindset or vibe in the appropriate moment and get the desired result.
If you’re looking at it from, “If A happens, then I do B, and if C happens, I do D,” you’re just going to make mistakes. You’re going to come off like a robot. You made a couple of little mistakes here, and obviously one you acknowledge.
I made a mistake by changing my plans (a date with another woman) the next evening for my second date with Agent super-bitch. I didn’t let her know I had a date.
See, you really liked this girl and you thought, “I’m going to make her a priority in my life.” You’re already pedestalizing her. You had one date. Yeah it went well, but especially in the beginning, you want to treat all women the same, because you don’t want to get overly emotionally invested in one girl before you really get to know who she is.
You do that in the beginning, and then you’re three or four months down the road, you’re all googly eyed in love, and then you find out maybe she’s a toxic woman and not good dating material. You don’t know that. You had one date, and then your second one went sideways.
You just don’t know her well enough. I wouldn’t be cancelling plans with other people because you’d like to spend more time with her. It’s just best to say, “No, I can’t tomorrow night, but I can do it Wednesday or Thursday. Does that work for you?”
Instead, I said I had dinner plans and I’ll call you back to see if I can change my plans around to see you.
I wouldn’t have done that. Now you’re saying “I’m making you a priority in my life, even though we’ve only had one date.” If her interest is 7 or 8/10, you could probably get away with that. But if her interest is low, and you’re already spending a lot of time with her and you’re telling her you’re rearranging or cancelling your plans with other people to spend time with her, you’re communicating to her that she’s the number one priority in your personal life. You’re giving her some validation that she really hasn’t earned yet.
Also, if she knows you’ll cancel plans with other people, in the future you get a little further down the line and she gets used to you cancelling plans to be with her, and then you don’t cancel plans, then she’s going to get upset. So you have to think about how things are going to be perceived, especially in the beginning.
On our second date, we sat in a booth for dinner and she tapped the seat and told me to slide closer to her.
What does that tell you? “I want you closer to me because I want to touch you. That’s what she’s saying. She’s saying, “I want to be more intimate. What you’re doing is making me more attracted. And therefore, I want to be closer to you.” It’s her invitation.
I tapped the seat back and said, “you can slide over to me.”
If you say it with an angry look on your face, you’re probably going to get this response.
She got really upset and asked me what my problem was.
It was such a beautiful moment about to happen, and it’s like you threw a fucking grenade. Come on man.
I said I didn’t appreciate her tapping the seat like I was her child, and I found her gesture emasculating. It almost ruined our date, but we were able to recover and ended up making out in the parking lot after.
You got to kiss her afterwards, but it was like you were creating drama. The idea is, you want her to feel happy, you want her to have fun, and you want her to be laughing. If she’s having fun, feeling good and laughing, guess what? That’s what she’s going to associate with being with you. But when you do things like this and you get butt-hurt, in the beginning it can come off as being kind of dominant and somewhat attractive, but you’re really revealing insecurities.
You’re like, “I’m in control here. I run shit. I’m the man. I have the penis, and you need to do what I say.” That’s not the kind of mindset you want. If I was sitting in the booth and she tapped the seat, I might reach my hand over, let her take my hand, and then I might take my other hand and put it on the inside of her thigh and slide her over, or put my arm around her hip and slide her over. I would be doing something like that. I wouldn’t be getting butt-hurt.
This chick has anger problems and I kept taunting her, because I thought it was hot. Maybe I have problems too, Lol.
Well, you said it bro. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. Now, it’s possible if she’s got some daddy issues that she might get butt-hurt and upset, because she feels rejected. Women that didn’t get enough hugs and didn’t get enough strokes from their dad, that’s oftentimes what you will see. They’ll get upset instead of just talking things through.
If the girl got enough strokes and enough hugs from her dad, and her dad made her feel like a little princess, like she was amazing and she could do anything, she’s not going to get butt-hurt. She’s going to laugh it off and think it’s kind of funny. But again, this is only the second date, so we don’t really know.
Anyway, she kept asking personal questions I didn’t feel like answering, so I “shhh’d” her. She got irate, and then she took my hoodie I let her wear and walked away.
Again, I wouldn’t be doing that. If she wants to know things about you, personal questions, why would she ask that? She cares. She wants to know you. That means she likes you, she’s attracted to you. She’s trying to get to know you.
Now, you can be playful and have fun and make her work for it a little bit, but just to go “Shhh! Don’t talk about that” — it’s like, come on man. You’ve got to loosen up dude. Take the stick out of your ass. Be a little more humorous and playful. Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously.
You’re creating unnecessary drama just because you’re fucking grumpy and butt-hurt over nothing. But like I said, she could be a total lunatic. It’s possible. You didn’t really elaborate, but it really seems like you’re the one who’s more irritated with things.
She then turns around and says, “thanks for the hoodie.” I replied, “enjoy the souvenir.”
That’s a good comeback, actually.
Haven’t heard from her in two days now. I know I’m not supposed to contact her and won’t.
That’s not what the book says. It doesn’t mean you just start ignoring women. The idea, like the book says, is one date per week until the woman starts calling and texting you after the dates. And usually that happens by the second or third week in most cases, then you make your next date.
When that starts to happen, you can just slowly let go in essence of the pursuing. Because if you were setting one date per week, and now she’s texting you once or twice a week with you not having to do anything and she’s not waiting to hear from you, you can just use those as opportunities to set the next date. Then that lets you know, when she misses you enough and wants to see you again, her attraction has grown.
And as that happens, as the weeks go by, she calls you more, she texts you more, she wants to see you more, she’s over at your house more, she invites you to stay at her house more. It’s just like a nice and natural progression. As you slowly back off and let her run with it, you should be fine.
In this particular case, say you don’t hear her until next week, you just go back to the once-a-week rule. I would text her or call her, “Hey I want to see what you’re doing.” I mean, she took your jacket, so obviously on some level, women do things like that or they leave property at your house, and it’s kind of like a way to mark their territory. She’s got a reason for the two of you to contact each other. If she was done with you, she would’ve taken the hoodie off and thrown it at your face.
But I feel really confused and don’t understand her behavior.
Again, you’ve got to take the stick out of your ass. Be more humble, be more playful. Don’t be such a dick. If she asks you a question, it’s because she really wants to know. You can be playful and have a little playful resistance as you give her the answers to make a game out of her getting to know you. Because love is playful and fun. Have fun with it. You’re being too fucking serious dude.
I’m still not sure if I have a chance, and I’m trying not to care, but she is pretty fucking attractive and it’s tough. I guess I just walk away now and hopefully she reaches out.
No, dude. You’re seeing something like going no contact. No you’re not. You’re dating this girl. You kind of fucked up a little bit, obviously, and you haven’t heard from her in a couple of days so she’s probably thinking, “That guy is kind of a jerk. I don’t know if I want to see him again.” But wait a week, and if you haven’t heard from her, I would call or text her and try to ask her out one more time and see how it goes.
I guess her taking my hoodie was her way translating that she wants me to chase her and apologize.
No, she’s just taking it because it’s yours. She likes you.
Well fuck that, I’m not apologizing for being a man and standing my ground.
Come on man. You need to relax bro. You need to chill out. Take the stick out of your ass. Be a little more humorous. Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously. Smile a little bit more if you can. Focus on the things that we talked about, and that will really make things a lot easier for you.
And as far as her being a nut, you don’t know dude. You’ve only been on two dates. Maybe she is, or maybe like you said, you’re the nut. Maybe you’re both nuts and you guys deserve each other. But if you clean that up in your game with her, you should be fine.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The hallmark of a man who is in control of himself and his emotions is humor, humility and playfulness. A man who knows who he is, what he wants and what he’s capable of. He doesn’t take himself or life too seriously. He always assumes the best and that people have good intentions and acts accordingly. He also sets healthy boundaries and holds people accountable if they violate them. He doesn’t waste other people’s time and doesn’t allow others to waste his. His life is a drama free zone, and he only allows people into his inner circle who facilitate his remaining in a peaceful and relaxed state.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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