Dating An Insecure & Cranky Karen

Some things to consider if you are dating an insecure & cranky Karen who disturbs your peace.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27 year old viewer whose girlfriend is 28. They have been together for over 4 years. He says they are moving in together this summer and he plans on proposing to her also. Whenever he occasionally goes out with his friends to play golf and later to a dive bar to have a few beers and eat bar food, she blows her top. She gets angry and gives him a hard time. He asks my opinion because he likes hanging out with his friends on occasion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Dating An Insecure & Cranky Karen.”

So this particular email is viewer or I should say is Members Only email. And thanks for subscribing, by the way. It’s so this particular guy is 27 years old, his girlfriend is 28, and they’ve been together for about four years. And he says they’re planning on moving in together this summer, and he also plans on proposing to her. However, occasionally he likes to go out with his buddies.

They go and they play golf. And after golf they go to this crappy dive bar and they eat crappy dive bar food, and they have draft beers and they have a good time. And he hangs out with the boys, and they laugh about golf and life and everything else. But he says every time he does this, his girlfriend just blows her fucking top. Just gets really upset, really mad and angry. He’s been with her for four years, and he’s planning on moving in and proposing to this girl, but he’s like, yikes. So he’s got that going on and he sends this text exchange, which is kind of funny.

So I’ll do my best girl voice impression for you guys when you get a kick out of that. But this is an issue. But what you’re really seeing is that this is kind of what most guys deal with. And the average guy deals with a girlfriend who gets jealousy or hobbies gets jealous of your friends. Just gets jealous of you doing anything or having fun that doesn’t involve her. And this attitude that he’s getting from his girlfriend is what leads most men to lose contact with their friends, their family, to give up their hobbies, their interests.

Because the woman nags to the point or acts like a cranky Karen, to the point where the guy’s just like, “fuck it, happy wife, happy life. All right, I’m going to give up the stamp collection, all right. I’m getting rid of my car that I’ve been working on for ten years.” And because she’s always complaining about it. So I’m going to get rid of that. And I’ll have more time to spend with her and the family, and that’ll make her happy. And then she’ll stop complaining.

All right, I’m going to stop going and doing golf and having beers because, well, drinking beer is not really a good, healthy thing anyways, so I’ll stop hanging out with my friends just so she doesn’t get pissed off at me. And then his whole life becomes, “I don’t want to piss off my wife.” You know, at this point in my life, I got several friends that are like that. “I don’t want to piss my wife off.” You don’t want to be that guy. And so, he’s obviously thinking, “What do I do here?”

And so, part of the problem is he’s not setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. So he’s created a bit of a tyrant. So he’s in a relationship with a female tyrant. But there are some things that he reveals in his email. You can go, “okay, she’s getting triggered a little bit.” Because he was a little bit of a party boy and irresponsible when they first met. So whenever he behaves this way, she’s probably thinking he’s undisciplined.

He’s going to go off the deep end. So if you’ve been an undisciplined guy in the past and you haven’t been disciplined for very long, it’s understandable she’s going to be worried and become fearful that you’re going to. You know, not being able to keep it between the lines and you’re going to go off the reservation, so to speak, and make a mess of things. And so, it’s understandable that she’d be worried she’s not going to feel safe. Cause here you are not being responsible again. So he’s got a little bit of that working against him because of his past behavior.

Viewer’s Email:

Coach,

I have dated my girlfriend for over 4 years, I’m 27 she’s 28. I plan on proposing to her this June. I personally have grown a lot over the course of the relationship. In the beginning I was perturbed, partied a lot, and was immature. Now I am calm, do my best to make my girlfriend feel heard and understood, and take her on at least one date a week. Sex life is what you describe as being “good” 4 to 6 times a week.

Yeah. Statistically good relationships they’re having sex 2 to 3 times a week. The relationships that go the distance.

My girlfriend and I have separate apartments but are with each other every night (moving in together this summer.) One problem that continues to recur is when I go the bar with my friends. Once in a blue moon my girlfriend will drive home to see her family and spend the night there. On those few nights, its boy’s night.

The boys are back in town.

On those few nights, I will typically play golf in the afternoon and go to a dive bar with my friends to shoot pool, eat bar food, and drink beers. We have a great time.

You got to have these times, bro. You just have to. Because as the decades go by, this is why most people especially like when you see them on their deathbed. One of their big regrets is, I wish I’d have stayed in touch with my friends. And this is where the guys lose their friends, people they grew up with.

The girl that they decide to be in a relationship with is like, “I don’t like them. They’re a bad influence. Are you going out and drinking beers? And it’s at a bar. And playing golf, and I’m not there. I’m at my parents. You’re having a good time without me.” You don’t want to deal with that.

I’ll usually catch a buzz but nothing crazy. I let my girlfriend know what I’m doing, and she LOSES IT. She tells me that she’s disappointed and becomes extremely upset and angry with me.

Oh geez. You got to see this email. This is classic.

So here’s the email exchange she sends.

What you doing? He says. Golfing. Bob and I are going to meet Bob at the bar.

There’s three dudes. I’m calling them all Bob. I changed the name to protect the innocent.

Are you serious? Yes. For dinner and pool. It’s a Thursday night. You’ve been working all day to play golf. And now going to a bar??? You’ve probably been dying for me to leave to do this. That’s why you keep bringing it up.

You could tell she takes it as a personal slight.

You just been waiting for me to go out of town, to go hang out with your friends. Like, yeah, so we can go out and be naughty. Because her attitude is ridiculous, her behavior is ridiculous. It’s totally inappropriate. And in this case, I would definitely mock her. I would say, like, you know, “I’d invite you to come join us, but you’re a little too far away. Maybe I can get some takeout bar food.”

Just being totally serious. If she keeps giving you a hard time, you just say, “Look, I’m having a good time with my friends. I only occasionally do this. I don’t need you giving me grief about it. You’re not my mother. You’re supposed to be my biggest team cheerleader, teammate, and fan. And instead, you’re acting like my mommy.”

It’s like, “I already have one. Thank you. I appreciate the care and concern. But, like, your behavior and your attitude towards this is inappropriate. I’m not blowing my top because you wanted to go out of town and see your parents. These are my lifelong friends. This is something I love to do. We’re blowing off a little bit of steam. I’m being totally responsible. Having a few beers, shooting some pool, catching up with the boys. And us guys need that. We need time in our man cave with our boys. And so, you need to accept that and stop giving me a hard time about it and stop lecturing me about it. This is not loving, it’s not sweet, it’s not kind.”

And if she still blows her top and just be like, “Hey, I’m going to go. You need to apologize because this is inappropriate. And this is like the 50th time you’ve blown your top. I don’t want to hear this shit anymore. If I want to go out with my friends and see my friends, I’m going to do that. It’s my duty as their friend to spend quality time with them. I’m not going to lose my friendship and sit at home so you feel better about yourself. So it needs to stop. The lectures need to stop and I don’t want an attitude about it.” And if her attitude doesn’t get any better, dude, I wouldn’t move in with her. And I certainly wouldn’t get engaged to her.

It’s like you got to set enforce healthy boundaries. Because what you’re doing is you’re teaching her that this is the way to get what she wants. In other words, just browbeat you enough and insult you enough and blow her top enough. And be like, “I don’t want to piss my wife off.” But that’s what she deep down really needs, is for you to stand up to her, and put her in her place in a loving way and a playful way.

Not being a dick about it, but just let her know that her behavior is kind of ridiculous and inappropriate, and it’s absurd for her to get mad when you go out and have some fun with your friends. You’re like, “hey, we’re not drinking and driving, we’re taking Ubers or whatever. It’s like, give me a break, don’t be a Karen.” Gotta to have fun.

We don’t have kids, so I feel as though I don’t have any responsibilities, so I take advantage of the time alone.

You didn’t do anything wrong, bro. You have to do this. This is good for your mental health. And you go spend time with your boys.

Am I crazy to want to do this and hangout with my friends?

No, you have to do it. Because when people are on their deathbeds, one of the biggest top five regrets is, “I wish I’d have stayed in touch with my friends. I wish I would have spent more time with my friends.” Because they were married to a cranky Karen usually, and they did things to placate their wives.

And they regretted it when they were on their deathbed. So don’t be on your deathbed regretting the fact that you allowed your cranky Karen girlfriend or your wife to convince you it was a good idea to lose contact with your friends because you’ll regret it your whole life. Don’t do that at all.

Is she not being heard and understood?

Appreciate your work.

Thank you,

Bob

Well, it sounds like she’s a little insecure, but as you said in the past, you were kind of immature. You partied a lot. I don’t know how bad your partying was. Maybe it created problems in the beginning. And she just fears you’re going to go back to who you were. Maybe she throws that in your face, I don’t know, just like, “Hey, yeah, I was young and dumb and I partied too much. But then you came along into my life, and my life got so much better.

And now we’re both more responsible. But every now and then I want to go shoot some golf, and I want to hang out with the boys and eat some crappy bar food and shoot some pool, breathe in some secondhand smoke, and I want to enjoy my life. And you should support that, instead of giving me a hard time about it.” It’s like, “We’re not going to the titty bar. We’re not bringing girls home. We’re just going and having a few beers and blowing off some steam with me and the boys. That’s it.

And you need to support it instead of giving me a hard time. If you want to be my future wife, if you want to move in together, then you need to support my time with my friends. Because especially when we live together, we’re going to be all over each other and it’s good to have some time apart. It’s good to have some friendships and some outside interests outside our relationship. It’s what makes us well-rounded people. And eventually when we have kids, we want to encourage our children to have friends outside of our family.

Because that makes them well-rounded people. If you and I don’t talk to any of our friends, and we lose contact with our friends and we’re teaching our kids to be socially inept and awkward. We want our kids to be outgoing. We want our kids to be able to go out into the world and get what they want in life, and they’re not going to do that sitting at home. They’re going to do that participating in humanity.” You can give her a nice little diatribe like that.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.