Why it is absolutely essential to be a dating detective, especially in the first ninety days of dating someone new, so you can remain objective, spot any and all character flaws, and determine their level of integrity, loyalty and compatibility.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who basically told his girlfriend it was okay to date other men, even though they are supposedly in an exclusive relationship. He has taken being indifferent to the extreme, to the potential detriment of his relationship. He says he has read my book several times and is a freshman in college.
He met a woman at orientation before the school year started. They started hanging out, having fun and hooking up pretty effortlessly. At week six, she asked him to be exclusive. However, after a month of exclusivity, he noticed that she seems to be flirting with other men enthusiastically. One even asked her to a dance. He foolishly told her to go with the guy initially, but then changed his mind the next day after he thought about it. Now she is texting with this other guy often, and he wonders how to handle this situation. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Hello! I hope you are doing well. I want to start off by saying I am very grateful for all the work you make so readily available to the world. You’ve changed my life for the better. After reading your book several times, I have come across an issue that I feel I personally need to address.
A little backstory: I am 18 years old and a freshman in college. Over the summer, at an orientation, I met a beautiful girl, we instantly clicked, and ended our first night together great by hooking up. The chemistry was there. I found out she lived just under an hour away from me. Naturally, we made plans to hang out several times over the summer, and in following exactly what you teach, I was simply focused on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. Surprisingly, LOL, she brought up the exclusivity label by week 6. (Week 6 or 7 is usually the average if you follow the progression of the book. However, don’t just focus on the pickup and dating skills. You have to understand the relationship and communication skills by learning the fundamentals. That’s why it’s important to read the book 10-15 times.)
We’ve been officially dating for about one month now, and things have been OUTSTANDING in both the bedroom and in our communication. I’ve been the charming James Bond you instruct your followers to be, and I am confident when I say she is very attracted to my alpha male characteristics, which I owe largely to your work. (Right when you get full of yourself, that’s when life comes by and completely blindsides you.) This is where it gets interesting, however. About a week ago, I noticed her talking in a flirty manner with a guy in the ROTC Program. (This is why you date — so you see how other people behave. All you can do is show up and be the best boyfriend you can be. When the other person thinks they’ve got you, and they feel comfortable enough, the real person they are begins to slip out.) I was talking with some of her friends a few feet away and couldn’t help but notice this. It bothered me, (Which it should), but initially I smacked the wussy right out of me. You would’ve been proud of me. However, she told me earlier today that he had asked her to an ROTC dance and dinner event, taking place in two weeks. It lasts all night, and no guy brings a lady there while not having the intention of seducing her. (You should ask if she would be okay if you went out with other women. What she’s asking you is fucking absurd.) I am average height, have a strong build, and am very confident, but this man surpasses me in all those qualities. (At the end of the day, I seriously doubt that this guy knows the things I teach in my book.) I know I am coming from a fearful mindset, but my girlfriend has told me she wants to go to this. (Tell her she can absolutely go, but she won’t be your girlfriend anymore.) My reaction was TOTALLY ALPHA. I said, “You do whatever you want baby. I trust you,” with a little wink and a butt spank. Again, I think you would have been proud. (I never would have said that dude.)
After much reflection, however, I am most certainly NOT comfortable with her going with this guy to this dinner and dance. (You took the indifferent thing a little too far. Had you taken the time to learn the relationship stuff, you wouldn’t be so willing to allow her to go to this dance.) The two have been texting of late, and I have a visceral instinct telling me to bring this topic up to her. Before I follow my instinct, I knew how important it would be to ask the opinion of my mentor and life coach. Any suggestions/advice would be GREATLY appreciated beyond belief. I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I don’t want to handle this the wrong way and lose her because of my lack of concern. (At this point, I think she went from girlfriend down to fuck buddy.) I feel as though the whole “indifference thing” can backfire if I do absolutely nothing. (I don’t teach you to do nothing. I teach you to stand up for yourself and what you want. You weren’t comfortable standing up for what you wanted, you acted like you didn’t care and now you aren’t being authentic. I would tell her it’s clear from her actions that being loyal doesn’t mean a lot to her, and you aren’t interested in taking yourself out of the dating game when she’s dating other guys. You need to clarify what kind of a relationship she wants with you.)
Thanks for your time and for all that you do,
My response to him:
You just told your girlfriend that it is okay to cheat on you and date other men while you are exclusive with her. You should have said, “sure, you can go with him as long as you are okay with me dating and sleeping with other women. We can have an open relationship if that is what you are asking. You said you wanted to be exclusive with me. If we are exclusive and you want to remain my girlfriend, you will not go with him. That is absurd to even ask me such a thing.” She is obviously young, inexperienced and playing the field. It does not appear that being in a relationship, being exclusive or being loyal means anything to her. Therefore, she is disqualified from being girlfriend or relationship material. Open relationship or fuck buddy only. Look how callous she was with openly flirting with another guy in front of you and the fact she is texting him. Ask her how she would feel about you dating and sleeping with other women? You should make your relationship an open one and start playing the field, so you can find a good woman if you want a real girlfriend.
“A pretty face and a beautiful body should not be the only criteria to consider when determining a potential lover’s suitability, compatibility or integrity level. You should look at dating as being like test-driving a used car. Just because someone looks good on the outside, does not mean they aren’t a total disaster on the inside. Most people put more thought into buying a car than they do when choosing a romantic partner. People can hide who they really are for the first 90 days of a new relationship. Make your decisions based upon who people show and reveal themselves to be by examining their actions, not their promises or potential. Until potential new lovers prove themselves through their actions over time, you should keep them on dating probation and remain objective.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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