In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been talking to a female co-worker about dating since October of last year. Initially she was reluctant to date him because his divorce was not finalized yet. Then, a few months later he showed her proof of his divorce being finalized. She still would not go on a date and started using the excuse that she, “didn’t want any relationships at the moment.” He backed off and assumed she was not interested.
Then a week later, she became sweet, flirtatious and started touching him. He asked her out again. She reminded him that she, “wasn’t interested in dating anyone.” He backed off again, and this time she started asking him to lunch. During lunch she backed out of watching a movie together because of a BS excuse. He says that they text all the time, but things are going nowhere. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’ll get right into it. There is a lady at work that I have been “talking” to since last October. It started off simply enough, just the normal “getting to know you” stuff. It didn’t take long to get her number, and we started texting and whatnot. (The phone is for setting dates. If you just get right to the point and ask her out, instead of dithering and hesitating, you won’t talk her out of wanting to date you.) I wasn’t fully divorced at that time, and she said she didn’t feel comfortable dating a “married” man. I respected that for what it was, and we kept on talking. (You put your whole life on hold, but entertaining multiple offers would mean you wouldn’t have to wait for her.) Fast forward to March, I finally got divorced. (You acted like a friend for six months and friend-zoned yourself. You should’ve been investing your energy in other women that didn’t care you weren’t divorced yet.) She was happy, but wanted to see proof of it, which I was more than happy to show her. It occurred to me she has trust issues, and possibly many guys have lied to her before. (It’s possible, but you don’t really know. In the first ninety days people can hide who they really are. You have to get past the image they are selling you to find out what they’re really like.) After the proof, she found an excuse to start sitting by me, not next to, but right by me, at work, and our talks started to become more serious and in depth. She found out a lot about me, and I her. So, I asked her out, and she said she didn’t want any relationships at the moment; which I took to mean with me. (You’ve invested six months of your time into this, way too much. The greatest gift you can give someone is your time.) However, before I could bring that up, she said she didn’t want to date anyone at the time. Okay fine, whatever. So I backed off, went about my life, and after a few days, she became “lovey-dovey” and playful, touching me, doing all those things women do when they like a guy. (If you read my book, you would have known you should only ask a girl out twice.) After a week of this, I asked her if she wanted to hang out, not a date, just good company. She once again said she wasn’t interested in dating anyone. Okay fine, whatever. Once again, I went about my life, giving her the “cold-shoulder.” She keyed in on that after a day or two, and the previous pattern repeated itself; except she started asking me to go to lunch with her, as we work the same hours, and even said we should play hooky from work and spend the day hiking together sometime. (When a woman hints like that, make an offer to get together.) I said sure, sounds fun, but played it cool.
A week later or so, I asked when she wanted to go hiking, and she said whenever, but seemed uninterested, so I dropped it. (The problem was, you didn’t make a date when she brought it up. You dithered and hesitated, and that’s not attractive.) A week later, a couple weeks ago, she asked me to the movies (!) and I said sure and we made plans. However, a week later, this past Thursday, she said while on lunch, she forgot she told her friend she was going to watch Netflix with her. Although I didn’t say anything, it reeked of a bullshit excuse, and also irritating was that she wasn’t going to say anything until I brought it up. (You should be making definite plans. If she doesn’t make definite plans, then withdraw your offer and tell her to get in touch with you when she figures it out. Then, you have to wait to hear from her.) Well, when we got back to work, she said let’s go to the movie here in town. I said okay, it starts at 7pm and she said, “no, that’s too late” And that was that. (Just say, “When are you free to get together?”)
Anyway, a female married friend of mine I work with said that she gets upset and jealous when I talk to or go to lunch/hang out with other women, (It sounds like you should be doing more of that), and I saw it a little first hand when I was joking with her, and my non-girlfriend interrupted, stood between us and pointed out her feet. She did this a second time later in the day too. My female friend said that she wants me for herself, doesn’t want to date me, but still wants that option there. (She knows she can have you, you’ll hang around and wait on her, and you’ll put up with it.) I’m kind of frustrated by it all. We still text a lot, almost every day, and her words and some of her actions show she likes me, cares about me and possibly has some feelings for me, but it’s zeroed out by all of the games being played. (Stop asking her out. Only make plans if she brings it up first.) I need to put a stop to it, the cold-shoulder doesn’t work, and win the game by getting her to admit she likes me, wants to go out with me, or by getting her to admit the opposite; both of which I don’t think she’ll easily do. I need a game plan, Corey. Thanks in advance. (You’re putting your personal life on hold and waiting on her to put in an offer. You should extend an invitation, but if she’s not receptive, then she’s not worth the gift of your time.)
“People buy things they want and believe things they are told based upon their emotions. They use logic and reason to justify their purchase. People move towards things that feel good and away from things that feel or that potentially feel bad or painful. People will do more to avoid painful things than they will do to gain pleasurable things. In order to get the best deal for yourself, the terms and price you want in any personal or professional interaction, you should entertain multiple offers from several buyers, prospects or suitors. This creates a perception of scarcity, high value and desire. This causes people to compete for what you are offering or selling, pay your price and give you the terms you want.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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