How to approach women who are dating and sleeping with other men who are also dating and sleeping with you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says the feminist movement makes it okay for women to sleep around casually like men do. He doesn’t like the idea of taking women out on dates that he pays for, sleeps with, but who are also dating and sleeping with other men and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
His issue is, he’s talking about feminism, and he says feminism tells women, you can date and sleep around with a lot of guys, just like guys date and sleep around with lots of different women. And his attitude is, “Well, why should I be paying to take these women out and sleep with her, and I know she’s dating two or three other guys and probably sleeping with them as well?” So, he brings up some good points.
This is where goals and values really are important. That’s why you’ve got to know what your goals and values are, so you make sure that you vet people, not only in your intimate life, but your inner circle – the friends that you hang out with or the people that you get involved with business-wise. Because if your goals and values are not aligned, it’s going to create a lot of problems.
I have what I believe to be a great question for you.
Well, I’m sure the people in the comments will let you know what they think of your question.
I haven’t seen you mention this in any of your videos, and it’s not covered in your book. The feminist movement pushes for it being okay for women to date casually and sleep around, just as men. I’m not against personal sovereignty, however, at what point is it acceptable to allow this in the women you’re dating…
Dude, newsflash, you don’t allow anything in the women you’re dating. That’s like, “Oh, I’m a man. I’m going to control the women I’m dating.” That’s like trying to control Mother Nature. That’s not going to end well at all.
…while also taking them out and paying for their company?
Well, I don’t pay women for their company, I never have, so I can’t relate to that, but maybe you’re referring to taking them out on a date and paying for dinner. I mean, at the end of the day, if you have a party and you invite people over, you’re not going to say, “Hey, there’s a $10 cover charge” when they get there. If you ask one of your best friends, “Hey, come have lunch with me,” you typically don’t make them pay, because you invited him to hang out with you.
What I typically do with my close friends that I go to lunch with a lot is we just alternate. One day I pay, the next day they pay. But if it’s your show, if you’re inviting people, say you’re having a pool party with you and your significant other and your kids, and you having friends come over and their kids are coming over, you’re not stopping people at the door saying “I’ve got wristbands, make sure you paid.” It’s like, you’re not doing that. The food, refreshments, drinks, all that stuff is provided, because that’s just part of being a good host. And if you don’t like that, don’t have parties, don’t invite people over.
But if you’re inviting a woman on a date, it’s your show. You’re driving the fun bus. All she has to do is show up and look hot and be ready to have a good time. And it’s your job as a man to lead that interaction, ultimately to its conclusion in the bedroom, which is a successful seduction. Because that’s why you’re going out there in the first place. You want to bump some uglies, whether it’s your wedding night or you’re going to hook up with her on the first, second or third night together, like most women do in this day and age. It’s totally up to you and your value system. That’s the important thing, your goals and values have to be aligned.
Isn’t it a bad investment to be asking girls out and investing in the night, only for them to be sleeping with another guy days after?
Well, that’s important and why I talk about your goals and values. You have to know what your goals and values are. What are you looking for? Are you just casually hooking up? Then, I don’t see the issue here. But if you’re trying to turn a hoe into a housewife, that’s not a good idea. If you’re looking for an exclusive, monogamous relationship, I wouldn’t be doing it with women who are just running through a lot of dudes.
Because somebody that’s doing that, that’s constantly sleeping with and racking up bodies, dozens and dozens and dozens of bodies, every couple of weeks, every couple of months, that’s a lot. I mean, the reality is you’re not going to click with and connect with most human beings, especially members of the opposite sex. As a man, very few women that you like are going to like you and have the same goals and values. And so, I always use the analogy, how often do you meet a new best friend? It hardly ever happens, maybe one or two a decade, maybe less.
Good people that are good for you, good to you, good for your soul, they hardly ever come along. And so, if you’re young and you don’t have a lot of experience, or maybe you were married for 20 years and you’ve been with the same woman since you’re 16 years old, or maybe you were together 20, 30 years and you’re a widower, or you got divorced or whatever, you’re going to want to go out and get some experience. And so, I’m totally for that, because there’s all kinds of different women out in the world.
That’s why it’s important to know what your goals and values are and what you’re looking for. And somebody that’s just out being a party girl, I mean, hey, you’ve got to understand if you’re hooking up with a party girl that likes to hang out, have fun and hook up with lots of random dudes, thinking that she’s going to be a good exclusive partner, that’s probably not a good idea.
For me personally, the women that I’ve dated, the ones I wrote about – the long term relationships, the ones that are still ongoing to this day, where we’ll probably be in each other’s lives my whole life, which I think that’s magical – they’re not out getting run through every weekend with different dudes. They’re very selective as well.
So it’s, what are your values? If you’re just looking for casual sex, hey, whatever. You shouldn’t bitch about taking a girl out for drinks or dinner or whatever if that’s all you’re looking to do. If you’re going out and you want somebody to eventually maybe have a family with, she’s got to have the values for that. She’s got to appreciate that. And if she came from a broken home, did she do the work on herself to make up for how badly her parents fucked up or her family fucked up?
The reality is, most men and women simply won’t do that. I mean, you can go look at my TikTok account. I did some red flags videos, and if you look at the avatars of these women that are going absolutely berserk in the comments, they’re getting triggered because they’ve got these wounds. And so, I would say those particular women that are just nasty, it doesn’t sound like they’ve done the work on themselves to get over their childhood trauma.
And that’s why I personally avoid women like that, because they’re just a difficult pain in the ass. Life’s too short. Why would you want to put up with that? But go to CoachCoreyWayne on TikTok and check it out, You’ll enjoy it because you’ll get a laugh out of it. And then if you go click on their pictures, they all have their pronouns in their bio, and crazy hair and tattoos, and it’s a trip, man.
But the important thing is, if you’re going to date somebody, make sure they have the same goals and values, and if they didn’t come from that environment, did they do the work on themselves? Have they gone through therapy? Have they read self-help books? Are they trying to be a better human being? And do they have the attitude that, “You know what, my background was so fucked up, but I’m going to do everything I can to get myself in a better position, so when I have a family myself, I’m not going to pass that trauma on to my kids.”
It’s so important. Goals and values, it’s the most important thing in your relationship. You’ve got to have aligned goals and values. Otherwise, it’s not going to work. You’re going to have a lot of friction and a lot of drama.
I have a female friend who is a self-proclaimed feminist, but in the same breath tells me that she never makes the first move with men. This girl has also been dating 3-4 guys in the past couple of months. When I take a girl out and we’ve slept together after a few dates, I want to assume that she’s starting to eliminate the idea of other men.
Again, this is a vetting issue. Who is this girl you’re going out with and sleeping with? Does she tend to only sleep around with a handful of guys or boyfriends in her life? Or is she out partying like a rock star and going home with a different dude every weekend until she falls in love with the next train wreck of a guy that she’s going to fix, or try to fix?
I have slept with multiple women during the same periods of time, but I almost always only really like one while the other one is just for hooking up unattached.
So, you’re just using that girl for sex.
You’ve mentioned in the past that dating is an expensive prospect, so why should men bother taking women out and paying, unless we know that they chose us over other men? I will be making a donation soon.
Again, you have to go out on dates and get to know somebody. And if you’re inviting a girl out, you should pay. If you don’t like that, don’t date women. Maybe get yourself a lady from the streets. Wherever it’s legal, get yourself a call girl and you could pay for it. But the reality is, as a man, you’re going to go out on dates and then, as part of the dating process, you’re going to recognize that these women don’t really have the same goals and values.
It’s not like you’re going to send out a questionnaire for them to fill out and a blood sample and all these other things, their driver’s license and their credit report. It’d be nice, but you’re not going to get all of that information. So, again, what are your goals and values? What kind of relationship are you looking for?
He says, “When I take a girl out and we’ve slept together after a few dates, I want to assume she’s starting to eliminate the idea of other men.” Again, what’s she looking for? What is her past? What are her goals and values?
He says, “You mentioned in the past that dating is an expensive prospect, so why should men bother taking women out and paying unless we know they chose us over other men?” Well, you have to go on dates and get to know them first. It’s not like, “I’m only going to go out on a date if you chose me over other men.” That doesn’t make any sense.
But the point being is that you’ve got to share the same goals and values, and most people don’t even pay attention to that. They just go off of their feelings and their emotions, and they don’t really pay attention to the actions or look into the background or the integrity of the person that they’re with.
And then they’re several weeks, several months down the road, they find out the person’s a train wreck, and now they’re “in love,” so they just make all these excuses. “Oh, I can work with this. I can fix this, I can change them. I’ll get them to behave the way I want them to. Even though they’ve never behaved that way, they’re going to be different with me.” That’s just delusional thinking.
I’ve written about some situations like that that I experienced. Once you understand her goals and values, and then you try to get her to change those to match yours, that doesn’t end too well. You’re trying to change people, and that that’s a bad way to go.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When it comes to romance and your closest friendships, you should choose to spend your time with people who share the same goals and values. Spending your time with people who don’t share the same goals and values will lead to constant violation of your self and your dignity and unnecessary drama. When you give the greatest gift you can give anyone, which is the gift of your time, and you share it only with those with the same goals and values, your life will be easy and effortless with minimal friction and drama.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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