Why going with the flow of things is a superior approach to dating and life, instead of trying to force a commitment, changing your schedule to match the other person’s or trying to lock the other person down to a commitment.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who is a forty-four year old flight attendant. She wisely spent the last few years focusing on herself, learning to love herself and working through some co-dependency issues she had, so she could simply get to a place where she enjoys being alone. Now that she has made a career change from the medical field, she is ready to date and enjoy her life. She met a man on the dating app Tinder a few months ago. They had a great first date and amazing sex afterwards. They don’t live in the same state. She started changing her schedule around to match his, and he asked her to be exclusive right away. However, several times they have had to cancel plans at the last minute because of work and his kids. She hardly ever sees him, but is looking for a relationship. She asks what I think is the best approach for her to handle this situation.
I found your videos on YouTube and have been listening to them today. Most of your questions are from men. As a woman, I wasn’t sure if I could submit a question, but I knew it wasn’t a coincidence I found you, so what the heck! Here goes… (About 10% of my clients are women, even though my book was written for men. However, women study self-help for relationships more than men.)
I am a 44-year old, single woman. I haven’t dated much in the last two years, as I had really come to a place in my life where I wanted to focus on loving myself, learn the secret of contentment in being alone and deal with some co-dependency issues I could see in myself. (It’s a good thing, after a relationship ends, to be single for awhile so you can be present with yourself and not defined by the other person.) It’s been an amazing journey and well worth the investment. (You have to be happy with yourself, because you can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself.) In the last few months, I have really felt the desire to date now, in hopes to find a great partner. Another thing that is new in my life is that I left my career of 20 years in the medical field to be a flight attendant. I had no strings holding me to anything and wanted the excitement to travel and meet new people that being a flight attendant would offer. All of this brief info leads me to my question.
A few months ago, I decided to try the Tinder dating app. As a flight attendant, I had a long overnight in Burbank, CA and decided to try it out. I started talking to a guy on the app and decided to meet him that night for a drink. (A few messages should go back and forth, and then you should be exchanging phone numbers instead of chit chatting back and forth with texts. It’s a good idea to talk on the phone and then do video Skyping or Facetime chats to make sure the attraction is there.) We met and hit it off immediately! We had some drinks, played pool, and had a great time! (Hang out, have fun, hook up.) It really was effortless…like we knew each other all our lives! It actually took me by surprise, because I really wasn’t expecting such a connection. I invited him to my room, and we had amazing sex with true organic chemistry. (Women Want To Be In A Love Story. It was easy, effortless and that’s how it’s naturally supposed to be.) I had to fly out the next morning, so we exchanged numbers and really, there were no expectations set on anything relationship wise, so I guess, “a hook up.” (Women like sex just as much as guys do.) He texted me right away and expressed how much he enjoyed our time together and hoped to see me again. I was very open to that, as I definitely felt the connection. We texted back and forth quite a bit, phone conversations, sexting, etc. He initiated trying to be exclusive, (After one date? He’s putting the cart before the horse and he’s trying to lock you down to a commitment), even though the distance and our work schedules were difficult. I agreed, because neither one of us date around and really wanted to try to just see each other. (That’s way too soon.)
He lives in Southern California and I live in Denver. With our different work schedules, and his time with his kids, it’s been very challenging to see each other, and we have only seen each other one time since our first date in a month. (You’re exclusive with someone you’ve only been on two dates with. Think about that.) The other times we scheduled to see each other had to be cancelled due to work or issues with his kids at the last minute. This has created some pressure and undue stress. Yesterday we decided we would not set any expectations on when we could see each other, but just go with the flow. (That’s a smart approach.) However, the ‘going with the flow’ idea, in the last eight hours since our discussion, has left me uncertain and confused. First of all, you can’t get to know someone unless you spend time together, which has been a challenge for us. (That’s why you should be dating other men instead of just this one dude. He’s really trying to lock you down so he doesn’t lose you to another guy.) Secondly, I don’t respect his indecisiveness and lack of communication on the times we have set to see each other. (You don’t want to agree to a commitment after one date.) Lastly, why did I agree to be exclusive with someone I met one time and had an awesome connection with? That seems ridiculous! (Exactly, I agree.)
As a flight attendant, we bid for our schedule and days off a month in advance. Before this discussion yesterday, I bid my scheduled days off around his schedule with his kids so I could fly and see him on our days off. He told me yesterday that he doesn’t want me going out of my way and making all the effort to see him, when things may change at the last minute. (He could be keeping you as a backup, and you’re locked down to soothe his own ego.) So, I calmly said, “Well, you have my schedule for May. If you want to see me, let me know. Otherwise, I’m moving on with doing whatever I want on my days off now.” (That’s exactly what you should be doing.) Yet he wants me not seeing other guys???? WTF? (Exactly. Say, I’m not going to agree to that.) I threw out the friends card, which really was let’s call it quits, and suggested he find women to date in his area. He says he doesn’t want that and he wants me whenever it can happen. (Great, have an open relationship. He’s getting you to commit so he feels better, and you are just an option for him from what it sounds like.) Since our conversation yesterday, I have completely backed off. I have not initiated any texts. (I wouldn’t, because he hasn’t earned it.) He texted me good night last night, and I didn’t respond. I responded this morning with this quote below, and that I hoped he enjoyed his time with his kids this week. I agree with the below statement completely, but I AM HOPING this leads to a long-term relationship. (Quite frankly, I don’t see a long term relationship with this guy, judging his behavior.)
“Not every girl wants to be in a relationship. Some just want good company, a guy to vibe with, converse with and laugh with. Not in a rush. Start off simple, and let the rest find itself. Having someone to talk to and feeling comfortable around them is quite beautiful, and it’s a good feeling.”
I’ve never done the long distance thing before, nor have I tried to date anyone as a flight attendant with the schedule I have. Can you give me any advice on the wisest way to handle this situation? (Don’t call or text him anymore. He cancels dates with you. The other person should be reciprocating.) Thank for your time and passion to give back to building healthy relationships. (Keep your options open. Don’t become exclusive unless you’ve been dating for two months or more.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The superior approach to take when dating, in order to naturally create and allow effortless relationships to unfold, is to simply go with the flow. This means enjoying hanging out together, having fun together and hooking up in a casual, non-attached way. By simply focusing on being the best romantic option that you can be, this will maintain your lovers sense of freedom to come and go as they please. This facilitates and causes them to choose you over all other potential lovers. Seeking to possess, control or lock the other person down to a commitment will repel them. Letting things happen naturally without focusing on a commitment will attract them and cause them to want to always be with you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne