In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating a woman who worked on the same cruise ship as he did. Right away, she started becoming controlling and manipulative. It is obvious from his email that she was needy and insecure. It is important to note, in these types of situations when you’re dating needy and insecure people, that due to their needy and insecure nature, they tend to have backup lovers in case things don’t work out with their primary lover. This can cause them to cheat, lie and spend time with their backup lovers when the future of their primary relationship is in doubt. In this particular case, the woman was acting needy, clingy, and insecure, which created a lot of problems. As he started to back away, she started to talk about and plan to see a guy who was her previous sex playmate that still lived on land. Then the power flipped as he became aware of the other guy, and he started to become needy, insecure, and controlling. I discuss what he needs to focus on and do differently going forward.
I’ll jump right into it. I’ve been seeing a girl from America for about 7 months now. We worked together on a cruise ship, which seems to make a relationship grow much faster than one would want. I met the girl at the bar after she asked my coworkers to introduce me to her. (It’s obvious she had a high level of attraction for you because when women like you, they will put themselves into your orbit in hopes you make something happen.) Things went well, and I ended up inside her. After a few weeks, she said that she wanted to be exclusive with me, and I hesitantly agreed to it. This is where shit got rough. She started controlling me, telling me that I cannot speak to other girls, and threatened to break up with me. She said that I’m always flirting, and that she knows her friends are into me. Again, I told her I’d work on that.
We had a conversation one night after heavy drinking, and she brought up this guy she was seeing just before she starting to work on the ship. (She’s basically saying, if things don’t work out with you, she has a replacement for you.) They never dated, but they did sleep together for a while. Something in me told me that she still had a thing for him, but she was quick to end the conversation, saying they are now just good friends. (She is insecure and needs to have a backup around because the idea of being single is too tragic to consider.) I told her, I know what guys are like, and this dude will definitely jump at the opportunity to sleep with her again.
Then, one night I found out she was still secretly in contact with him, sending him pictures of places we would visit together, and again just stating that they are friends. One night, one of her friends told me that she is planning on meeting up with him once she got back home. I kept that information to myself, and wanted to test her a little. When I asked her when last she had spoken to him, she said that they had not been in contact for months, but clearly she was lying. (She’s not the kind of woman, at this point in her life, who’s capable of being loyal. She’s thinking of herself because she’s fearful and needy.) I told her that I knew about “the meet-up,” and she was in shock. I told her, “It’s kind of weird that you are so crazy about this guy while you were the one who wanted to be in a serious relationship.” I broke it off with her a bit later because I did not enjoy having a third party in my relationship. She begged me to come and visit her for Thanksgiving, and I agreed.
I know that she has been talking to this dude about our relationship since we broke up, because she said she felt “needy and alone.” She now wants our relationship to work, but makes very few attempts to see me. I’m in a different state at the moment, and even offered to pay for a flight, but she keeps on being “flaky,” making up some sort of excuse. After this, I stopped responding to her texts, as I do not want to reward her with my time. Should I leave and never look back? I’m very successful with work, but do I need this shit in my life? (If you want somebody in your life whom you can have an exclusive relationship with, this woman is not it. However, if you are just interested in a sex playmate, arrange a date when she reaches out to you.)
My response to him:
You were dating an insecure and needy woman. Men and women who are like this are in a perpetual state of fear of loss. They therefore tend to be very controlling over the people they date, because they never feel secure with themselves. They fear losing the person they care about, and often will keep backup lovers in the background to bounce to on rebound if their primary love interest doesn’t work out. These people often can be very deceptive, devious, and will start spending time with their backup lovers if they fear things are not going to work out with their primary lover or relationship. This can easily lead to them cheating, because everything they do and say is about dealing with their insecurity, fear of rejection, and fear of being alone. It’s obvious from your email that the power has flipped, and you are now chasing her. A woman like this is only good as a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate, or open relationship. It’s impossible to have an exclusive relationship with someone who behaves this way because their need to escape their fears will always outweigh being monogamous and loyal. When dating a woman like this, as long as she is happy, and she is feeling loved, she will stay loyal. But the moment the future of her relationship is in doubt, she will bounce back to her backup lovers. If I were you, I would do nothing and wait to hear from her. Never contact her again. She must do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing from this point forward. When you do hear from her, assume she wants to see you, and make a Skype video date. During your video dates, you should invite her to come visit you. Stop kissing her ass and chasing her, because this is only inviting her to continue to be flaky, jerk you around, and keep you as a backup to the other guy. If you want an exclusive relationship you should be dating other women until you find one who has her shit together, and who will be loyal. I would ask this other woman out on two separate consecutive occasions when she reaches out to you first. If both times she shoots you down, then stop asking. From that point forward, keep any phone calls to 2-3 minutes max, and your text exchanges to 2-3 texts back and forth max, and then always end the conversation with this, “Hey, it was great hearing from you, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” From that point forward, she will either bring up getting together, or stop contacting you.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s very difficult and challenging to date needy and insecure people. Why? They tend to perpetually be in a fearful state. Their fear of loss can be so overwhelming, that they often compensate for this by keeping ex’s and backup lovers in the background. As long as they are happy and their needs are being met, they will usually be loyal and exclusive. However, the moment the future of their primary relationship is in doubt, they will start lining up the ex’s and backup lovers to bounce to if things don’t work out. Because they are fearful and believe things probably won’t work out, they often will lie to and cheat on their primary lover, even though they are still together. If you don’t want to spend your life sleeping with one eye open, it’s best to only view and interact with needy and insecure lovers in the context of: a friends with benefits, sex playmate, fuck buddy, or open relationship.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne