Why it’s not a great idea to date newly single or women in the middle of a divorce.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a guy who started dating a co-worker who recently left her husband. Four weeks later, she chose another guy over him, blaming his communication in between dates and that she didn’t think he wanted a long-term relationship with her, despite him telling her he was open to it with the right woman.
The 2nd email is from a viewer who went on a date with a newly single girl who insisted she was over her ex. On their date, as they are about to hook up, she breaks down saying she’s not over her ex. A few days later he tried to set a 2nd date, but she didn’t reply, even though he ended up running into her and her friend later that day. He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
Both these cases are good reasons why you don’t get involved with women that literally just left their husband, they haven’t even probably started the divorce proceedings or anything yet. Or a girl who literally just broke up with her long-term boyfriend, and she’s like, “Oh, yeah, I’m totally over him.” Because you get women that are going to be all over the ice. And what you’re looking for is you want somebody that’s like, “Hell, yeah, I’d love to go out on a date with you!” And if you don’t get a “hell yeah,” if you don’t get enthusiasm, you’ve got to pay attention to that.
Way too many guys focus on the fact that they’re really interested in the girl and they completely ignore there’s just a lack of reciprocation on their end. And to make matters worse is when you get involved with newly single women, or women that are right in the middle of divorce – or like in this case, she just left her husband, so she spent no time being single, no time getting her act together, no time healing or anything – a woman like that, that’s going so quickly out of one relationship into another, she’s trying to replace the intimacy that she had with the husband or the ex boyfriend with somebody new. So, they’re going to be in a rebound, and they’ll be all hot and heavy, really super into you, and then go completely cold on you.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’m emailing with a question about communication in the early stages of dating. I began dating a co-worker who is currently divorcing, (risky, I know).
Well, I warn you guys in the book. I constantly see emails from guys that get involved in these situations and they wonder why she’s so squirrelly. I mean, the reality is, no matter how hot she is or how much you like her, if she’s still involved with the ex or literally just left days and weeks ago, the chances of her being able to go right from that and into a new, healthier relationship is slim to none.
You’re going to get a lot of flaky behavior, hot and cold behavior. You’ll be with her and you’ll have this great weekend, and then a few days later, she’s like, “I need space. I’m not over my ex. I’m distraught.” You get all this emotional stuff that you just wouldn’t normally have to deal with when you’re dealing with a woman that’s ready, willing, able and open to dating.
Most people, statistically, that have just ended a long term relationship with somebody they’ve been with for a few years, it typically takes a year and a half before they’re completely over it, before there is no emotional charge left. So, you’ve got to keep that in mind if you’re getting involved with somebody. It’s just always risky. Just like this guy says, he knows, but he really likes the girl, and so he proceeds anyway.
She always had my eye at work, and at company social events where we were friendly and chatty.
Keep in mind, this a married woman.
Recently, she asked me about us doing yoga classes and her taking ski lessons since I am a skiing coach.
She obviously liked this guy, and she’s looking for a rebound, that’s why she’s so aggressive. But if she’s aggressive with him, she’s probably aggressive like this with other guys. And you’ll see why that’s important in a minute.
She also showed up to our company’s Christmas party single.
So, that’s when he knew that she was finally single.
My radar beeps started growing larger. I came home one day to find a Match.com email from her!
Yeah, she’s trying to replace the old, and it’s also cuffing season in the middle of the holidays. A lot of people don’t like to be single during the holidays. So, you get somebody to spend time with during the holidays, and after the holidays are over, they dip out.
After a brief exchange, I asked for her number and we set a definite date for the following Monday. We dated once or twice a week for about 4 weeks with minimal phone communication, as you suggested in 3% Man. (I’m on round 12 of the audio version.)
What you’ve got to realize is the phone is for setting dates. You don’t want to get into a bunch of chit chat and BS’ing, and especially a woman like this, being her emotional tampon. But you also don’t want to be a cold fish.
And what you’re going to understand is, as the weeks go by, especially if you get into an exclusive relationship, she’s typically going to be texting or calling you throughout the day, and you’ll either be at her place at night or she’ll be at yours. This is typically what happens, especially after two months of dating. This guy lasted about a month. And so, if they’ve been together a month, they’re probably going to be seeing each other, ideally, 2 to 3 times a week at that point if he’s following what’s in the book.
But again, we’re dealing with a woman who just left her husband, and more than likely, he’s not the only guy in the picture. There are probably several other guys that she’s putting feelers out for, male orbiters, just like him. He’s probably one of many dudes that have been hoping to get their shot with her. So, that’s the thing you’ve got to keep in mind. And the fact that you spent a month with this girl and still only seen her once or twice a week tells me there’s a lack of intimacy. There’s a lack of closeness there.
Our dates were always fun and playful, and she couldn’t keep her hands off me.
So, she seems pretty hot for him when she’s on the date.
She spent one night at my place, and I spent one at hers before things went south.
So, a month of dating. I think the hookup only happened at the very end. Something was off there. I can’t tell what it is, because he doesn’t really elaborate.
When we became intimate, she would ask about what I wanted long-term and if she could trust me.
Well, the other thing is, if she’s talking about long-term relationships stuff, I’d say, “Honestly, I like you, but you just left your husband a matter of weeks ago, and it’s going to probably be a year or two before you ever finalize your divorce. So, I’m going to be honest with you, I’m kind of leery about getting involved in a relationship with somebody that’s still married, because there’s always a chance that you’re going to go right back to him. So, I want to take things slow. I’m in no rush. I just want to kind of see how things go.”
“And, you know, we’re only three or four weeks in and talking about a relationship or getting exclusive. I mean, you just left. Weeks ago, you were with your husband, and now you’re with me. So, a guy with any kind of brain is going to be like, ehhh. It’s not the ideal situation. But I like you. I’m willing to see where it goes, but I’m in no rush. Because like I said, there’s always a chance that you decide you want to go back to your husband and give your marriage another try.” That’s just typically what happens in these things.
She even mentioned us going away for a weekend.
This definitely sounds like a rebound.
I tried to play it cool and say I’m dating and having fun but have always been interested in having something long-term with the right woman.
Remember, ready, willing, able and open to dating. And she’s not really able, because she’s still married. I mean, it’s been weeks. What do you expect is going to happen?
I agreed that a weekend away would be fun. I also told her I appreciated that she was asking me these questions, and that anything we did together would stay between us.
I don’t know why you needed to say that. Like it’s some big secret? So, I don’t know why you put that in there.
I finally got a long text from her saying that while she loved our time together in person, she wasn’t getting the communication she needed in between those times. She felt I was only looking for something casual and did not have long-term aspirations with her.
So, this is what she says, “I’m not going to continue with this, because you don’t have long term aspirations with me.” There’s no conversation that’s had about this. She just makes this determination. So, if that was the case, “Oh, well, you don’t want anything long-term, so I chose somebody else,” he was like, “I never said I wasn’t open to long-term.”
She told me she is interested in pursuing a relationship with another guy.
That’s the real reason she broke it off. She tries to blame you and make you feel bad, but the reality is she probably was already seeing, and dating, and sleeping with this guy. And it sounds like this dude didn’t sleep with her until week 4, it seems like. He slept with her once. Maybe the sex was really bad. I don’t know. I mean, if the sex is really good, a woman is not going to just dip from you that quickly.
But if the sex is mediocre to not very good, and she’s already dating another guy, because you you definitely were not the only guy that was hoping to get a shot with her. So, maybe she spent more time with this other guy, he was a little further along than you were, and she chose him. But again, she’ll probably be all over the ice with this guy, because it’s only been weeks since she left her husband.
Because we were in the same work building, I tried to avoid excessive contact and keep our interactions to a minimum.
Well, if you’re acting like a cold fish at work, like you’re trying to avoid her, like everything’s a big secret, you may have been giving off the vibe that you didn’t want to be around her and it was just a hookup. Because that’s one thing she did say. But again, you didn’t even sleep with her right away, it doesn’t seem like, from the way you wrote the email.
Both of us have high profiles and I wanted to keep work and romance separate. Is there a balance to communication in this situation?
Well, you’re not going to avoid her at work if you’re seeing her and hanging out. I wouldn’t start acting weird at work with her, because then that’s going to give off a weird vibe. So, I don’t know what that was all about. You don’t turn into a cold fish just because you’re hanging out with her and act like you don’t know her.
I wish she had brought things up earlier, rather than it being final.
Yeah, I would just say that was the excuse. The reality is she just simply had more time with the other guy and liked the other guy more, simple as that. You thought you were the only guy dating her. Meanwhile, she’s dating and sleeping with somebody else beside you. How do you feel about that? You were just one of the dudes that were in there. She might have been having sex with the other guy and then coming over to you, where you’re dumping a load in her, as well.
We spoke briefly on the phone to share thoughts and end things on a positive note. I told her it was not my intention to make her feel like a casual fling, and if things with the other guy don’t work out, she is great and can reach out.
Thanks for all you do to help men into the top 3%.
Well, again, if it was really all about how she didn’t think you were ready for a long-term relationship, you could have just said, “Well, I’ve never said that.” And if it was really that she’s torn between the two of you, she would have given you another shot. But the reality is she’d already made her mind up, and so that was the excuse, to point the finger. When in reality, it was her. She just chose the other guy, probably because she’d already been dating and sleeping with him longer.
So, I mean, there’s nothing you can do at that point. But there’s a good chance, if the other guy screws up, she’ll be calling and texting you. But keep in mind, you’re not going to be the only guy she’s involved with. And also, she just left her husband. She may even bounce back to him.
This is why I would not get involved with somebody that’s in that kind of a situation, because it’s just going to be messy and she’s hot and cold. And on top of that, she’s dating and sleeping with somebody else. It doesn’t seem like she told you or hinted at it.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been following you for 2 years and have read the book 3 times. I recently ended a 1.5-year relationship, mostly because we got tired of long distance. Since then, I’ve been out with several girls. But one got me. I am 27, and she is 18. I didn’t ask her age when I met her, she looked 23 to me. I was walking around and saw this smoke show and went up to talk to her. We spoke for like 30 seconds, and she asked me for my number. While I gave it to her, I asked her when she was free to go out. She said she didn’t know. I walk out to continue with my day, and 2 minutes later I get a text from her. She said she could meet me that same night, this was on a Wednesday.
So, she’s desperate to get something going. Another sign of a girl that’s on the rebound, trying to get the ex out of her mind, just like the first one. Again, this is the textbook reason why you don’t get involved with these women, or you should be at least very hesitant and very cautious.
We met at a bar and had a few drinks. In the bar she tells me that she had been dumped by her boyfriend 3 weeks ago.
Three whole weeks. So, she’s definitely on the rebound. Rejection breeds obsession, and there ain’t no way that if she’s the one got dumped, she’s totally over him.
I asked if he was still in the picture, and she said no.
Well, maybe that day it was no, but he could have called the next day and she would have dropped what she’s doing to go back to him.
We keep talking and have a really good time. We proceed to leave the bar, and as we walk out, she says it’s getting cold. I tell her I know a way to keep her warm. She walks close to me, I hug her and we start making out. After this, she suggests we go to my house.
She’s definitely looking for a rebound.
Once in my house, we start passionately kissing and having a really good time. She is enjoying it, and so am I. When I am ready to start the real indoor Olympics, she starts crying and says she is not over her boyfriend yet, tells me she doesn’t want to have sex, and that she is not a hookup girl. (We were both fully naked when this happened.)
Yeah, that sucks. I had an experience when I was 19 with a girl. I went out with a friend of mine. She was a friend of his girlfriend, and so we all went away, kind of like a double date for the weekend. We were fooling around, and then she just starts bawling. She was young, she was away from her parents for the first time and having a meltdown. I was just thinking, “Man, I’m here all week, and this girl is melting down. She’s having an early life crisis.” That wasn’t a lot of fun. It was fun up until the meltdown started, because then it was just constant the whole weekend, and it was just awkward and weird.
I tell her it’s alright, I am in no rush.
We keep making out, and later she tells me she has to leave but wants to see me again. I walk her to her Uber and kiss her goodnight. A few minutes later, she texts me to thank me for the date. I reply I had a good time and throw in a joke at which she laughs, (see attached screenshot). I don’t text her again until Sunday at 3 pm.
So, it was a Wednesday when they went out, and now he’s texting her at 3 p.m. on Sunday.
It was the weekend, and I wanted to give her space, and I also had my own stuff going on. I ask her what day is good and tell her where I would like to go. Two hours later, I run into her and her friend on the street, and we speak for about 15 seconds, but she wasn’t really open to any conversation.
Yeah, that’s not a good sign. She’s all hot and heavy for you, and now? Maybe she’s talking to the ex again. The bottom line is, there’s no “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you! I’d love to spend time with you!” Just like the first one.
It has been a whole day and she doesn’t reply. Should I text her again, or just let her go? Where did I mess up?
I wouldn’t say you messed up anywhere. It’s just that she’s messed up. She’s been single for three weeks.
Maybe the ex is still lurking around?
I would bet that he probably is.
So, I mean, you could give it two weeks and try texting her again. Give her one more chance to see if she’ll reply. And if she doesn’t, delete the number and move on. Maybe she reaches out, maybe she doesn’t. I know you like the girl and I know the first guy liked his girl, but these are just not ideal situations.
And the older you get and the more you experience that, when you do come across it, you’ll just be like, “I don’t really want to get involved with somebody that’s not enthusiastic.” Especially if they’re still talking to the ex and hanging out, if they’ve been together several years, it’s like, “I don’t really want to get in the middle of that.” It’s like, “Go resolve that. Go get your divorce. And once you’re finally divorced and you’re single, if I’m still single and available at the time, get in touch with me. Maybe we can go out.”
Because imagine, you get a month or two down the road and you really start liking this girl, and then the ex comes back in the picture, because she got more time with him. And, you know, she’s telling you how strong her feelings are, and she’s talking about your future, and all of a sudden, “Oh, I’m going to give my boyfriend another chance. Oh, I’m going to give my husband another chance.” And that’s what happens.
So, actually, both of these guys dodged a bullet because, more than likely, both of these girls are going to go back to the exes or give them another chance. And the thing that makes those situations really difficult is you might be several months down the road before that happens. And when that does happen, you’re emotionally invested, and it’s a lot harder to move on, versus these guys. I mean, the first guy went out with her for about a month, slept with her right at the end, and then she dipped. And then the second one, literally the first date, they’re both naked, about to do the deed, and she has a meltdown. It’s like, that’s not what you want. You don’t want to deal with that.
You want ready, willing, able and open to dating you, and neither one of these two women are ideal candidates for that. That’s why I say in the book, it’s risky to get involved with them, because the chances of getting your heart broken and getting jerked around are super high. It’s almost a guarantee that you’re going to get jerked around.
I wrote about instances where I got involved with women that were just newly single. It’s the same thing every time. And at my age when I’ve seen this, like thousands of times, it’s the same pattern over and over and over again. The downside risks are really super high in these cases, and the odds are not in your favor. But if you want to roll the dice, you’ve got to pay the price. If you want to play, you’ve got to pay.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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