Why you should focus on dating and having the kind of relationships with the kind of people you want, and for only as long as it makes you happy, instead of trying to conform to unrealistic societal or religious conditioning that states that you must spend your entire life with one person, or “The One.”
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is forty-three and very happy with his life and lifestyle. He’s a high-income, high-net-worth, successful man who is pursuing his mission and purpose in life. He’s in great shape, has an active lifestyle and has lots of friends. However, he loves dating beautiful younger women, enjoys his relationships with them and also loves his freedom.
Most women want to lock him down to a commitment, marriage, kids, etc. He wonders if he should be getting married or settling down since he considers the possibility that he may eventually become too old to continue dating beautiful, younger women and enjoying the lifestyle he enjoys now, but he does not feel any sense of fear about the future or that he is somehow missing out. He asks my opinion.
I love your work and read your book twice. Keep it coming! It’s amazing! I abuse your online videos enough that I think a paid email exchange is fair enough! Here goes…
I am soon 43, and very fit. I earn a good income in a job I love and have many projects. I do rock climbing indoors and outdoors, I love running and yoga and I box. I travel and have a great life. I have many quality friends, especially guys between 20 and 40, who are active and fit. Generally speaking, I have no problems meeting very hot girls, even as young as 22. I have a “life and inner frame.” I have a vision and purpose. Okay. All good. That’s the context. Now, my two questions:
1) I have a “duality.” I genuinely enjoy relationships, love, sharing, intimacy, but I am really attached to my freedom. Many girls want to “lock me down” into marriage and kids, and frankly, I don’t really feel like it. It seems so fucking boring! (If what you’re doing makes you happy, keep doing it. You’re living the dream that most people wished they could live.) BUT… is there a point where a guy reaches the age where he simply can’t hook up with girls in their 20’s? Be brutally honest, as I know you are. (Most women in their 20’s are pretty immature, but some are successful and driven. It’s your God-given right to be happy and enjoy yourself.)
2) Is there a point where I should “settle down,” because if I don’t, I risk ending up a lonely old man in my 50’s and 60’s? (This is society telling you, you have to conform and be a certain way. Enjoy your life. It’s a gift. Don’t spend a second in a shitty relationship, a shitty job or a shitty friendship longer than you have to. Settle down only if you can’t imagine life without the other person, but if you don’t feel that, then just enjoy if for as long as it lasts.) I mean, when I look at “the next year,” I don’t feel that fear at all. I have many cool projects, I feel super fit and “tight,” etc., but when I think of “the long term,” I sometimes think that there will come a “turning point” where I will have “missed the window of opportunity,” so to speak. (As long as what you’re doing is working for you, keep doing it. It’s your birthright to live like that. Spend your life in your own way.)
Just give me a few words of wisdom here. Thanks so much for your gift. (It’s all working for you. Keep doing it. If you do what society tells you to do, you won’t be happy. Make yourself happy first.)
All the best,
My response to him:
1) The most important thing is that you listen to your heart, and you do what’s right for you. It sounds like that is what you are doing. However, it also sounds like you are being bothered by what people around you and society are trying to condition you to believe: that you need to be like everyone else and conform. Therefore, you must be in a relationship to be happy. You must be who you are, what you should be is not important. If you don’t feel the need or desire to settle down, then don’t. If that changes in time, settle down with a woman who makes you feel like you want to. It will be easy, effortless and natural. However, that may change in a few years also. You go to a relationship to give. You’re there to help each other grow and become more. You either grow together, or you grow apart. I love young women, but most women in their early 20’s don’t have enough life experience or maturity for me personally. It really depends on the woman. There are exceptions to every rule.
2) Your thoughts are more BS societal conditioning telling you to conform and be like most people. I realized a long time ago when I was a kid, that I was different from everyone else. I did not think or feel the same way. I also thought many things people did were absurd considering how unhappy or miserable it made them. Why do something or be with someone if it makes you unhappy? Missing an opportunity pre-supposes that you will have no opportunity in the future. That is more irrational fears and a scarcity mindset. Take care of your body, and it will take care of you. You should only do things because they feel right to you. Not because you want to please others or live according to other people’s expectations; that will never make you happy anyway.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Societal and religious conditioning are always pushing this unrealistic meme that men and women need to find “The One,” settle down and live happily ever after by having kids and a family. This relic of the dark ages where people married as teenagers for survival, and hopefully were lucky enough to see their kids grow up and reach adulthood before they died in their late 20’s or early 30’s, is proving to be almost impossible and unattainable for most people in the modern world with an ever-increasing quality of life and longer life expectancy. Dating and relationships are not a one size fits all solution for everyone. The pursuit of happiness, being able to spend your life in your own way and having a life’s work that is emotionally compelling to you is a superior approach to life versus trying see how long you can stay in and endure an unhappy life or relationship. Staying in it for the kids is not an excuse. Kids need to learn how to get what they want in life, how to have high quality relationships with high quality people for as long as they make them happy and how to design an awesome life, instead of earning or eking out a meager living.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne