Dating Women Who Just Became Single But Their Ex Is Still Around

How to handle dating women who just became single but their ex is still around.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl in their mutual friend group. She is technically single, but her ex is still lurking in the background. They recently made out, but didn’t have sex. He’s thinking about texting her to ask her out on an official date and asks my opinion.

He’s worried about over doing things and scaring her away or back into the arms of her ex. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy met a girl in his mutual friend group, which is really the best way to meet somebody because if they’re kind of in your peer group or tangentially connected to it, typically their goals and their values are going to be similar. They’re going to have similar hobbies, similar interests, conversations will tend to flow. It also helps you with social proof, especially when you’ve got mutual friends that are in your peer group that know you, especially if there’s girls in your group and they think highly of you, and then some new girl that doesn’t know you or doesn’t know you that well is connected to them, you automatically have social proof versus just running into a girl randomly at the grocery store.

So this girl is technically single, but her ex is still in the background. So they recently made out when they were hanging out and things are kind of progressing, and you could tell he’s kind of catching feelings a little bit. Now he wants to start pursuing. The thing that makes it difficult in this particular case is she just broke up with somebody, just became single. You got to take into account at least 75% of the time the women are doing the dumping. Rejection tends to breed obsession, and if it’s recent, the ex is probably still hoping to get another chance with the girl. I’ve done a few of these video newsletters recently, I remember it was one of those, like last week where the guy dumped the girl and then he kind of came back a few months later because he didn’t find anybody else since he dumped her.

Rejection breeds obsession. This guy was dating her. Thought he was making progress. All of a sudden, the ex wants to try again, so she dips and goes back to the ex. So it’s really super critical that when you start because this is going to happen, if you date enough, you’re going to come across women who are recently single or newly single, and the ex is just not totally out of the background. Especially if the girl you’re dating is the one that got rejected and the ex comes back, he’s going to have all the leverage, especially if they were together for six months, a year or longer, she’s going to be emotionally bonded to him, and no matter what she says, she’s still going to be into it. What happens is they tend to bounce.

I was talking to a client last night who got into a situation like that, started dating a girl that had been kind of been friends with benefits, wasn’t boyfriend/girlfriend, because the guy she was dating didn’t want to get serious. So he was always a challenge. He was always the unattainable guy that was unavailable. Then that kind of goes sideways and they just kind of go their their separate ways. Then this guy meets this particular girl and they start hanging out, they start having fun hooking up, it gets real serious real fast. Then they’re dating about three months, they’re boyfriend/girlfriend. Where he went wrong was he brought up the exclusivity, and she had wanted to be exclusive with this previous ex, but he didn’t want to be exclusive with her. Then three months later, what this guy’s doing, he’s new to my work, is he’s really super into her. He’s the one that brought up being in a relationship, he locked her down to a commitment, he’s speaking about their future, and he makes it pretty clear to her that she’s way more into him or that he’s way more into her than she is into him.

So when the ex finds out about it, that she’s in a relationship with somebody else, they happen to run into each other. Supposedly they just ran into each other when it was supposedly done. She wasn’t talking to anybody else. All the male orbiters are totally out of her life. Then literally within a matter of days of her supposedly running into this ex somewhere in public by accident, then she starts to become confused, she’s backing away, she’s less available, he can tell something’s going squirrelly with her. Then basically, what happens is the guy that never wanted to be locked down, didn’t want to date her says, “Oh, I love you.” So she gets confused and then goes basically back together. She’s talking about stuff with her family, she makes up all these things that, “Oh, I missed my family. I miss this. I miss that,” even though that was really never an issue before.

What she’s really doing is trying to put distance between her and him, keep dangling the carrot to the client I was talking to. Meanwhile, now she’s going to go try for a 10th time or 20th time or whatever happens to be thinking, “Oh, now we’re going to finally be together,” because she was the one that could never get the guy that she wanted until he finds out she’s in a relationship with somebody else. Then he claims he loves her, and because she was an animal, she bonded to the new guy because she had way more time in with the ex, who was always unattainable. Then she starts seeing the ex, but come to find out, she’s not only seeing the ex, but she’s seeing other guys. Like within days, he sees her with the ex, he sees her with another guy, and then he’s really realizing that.

What I pointed out to him was that these guys weren’t really out of the picture like she claimed. So she wasn’t being totally honest with you, and since this guy was only focused on his interest and her, even though she was doing all the pursuing and all the reaching out, he’s the one locking her down to a commitment, he’s the one focused on the future, he’s the one trying to lock her down to a relationship, and it wasn’t her idea. So she committed because she had nothing else going on. Then as soon as the guy that she was really bonded to and missing says, “I love you. Let’s give it another shot,” she just comes up with excuses and rationalizations and, “Oh, my family, this or that,” or “I’m going through a hard time right now.” The reality is, is that she’s just not over the ex and he wants to try again. So she dips back to him. Instead of him just being kind of casual and understanding, again he was new to my work other than the last three or four weeks, but you have to let women come to you at their pace.

So what’s similar about that, and what this guy is doing here is that there’s a girl in a friend group, the ex is still in the picture, she’s starting to make her interest known and putting herself in his orbit, she’s pursuing him, and where he’s starting to go wrong now is he’s thinking, “Oh, I gotta text her and start pursuing her now,” because the way the book is set up, 3% Man, is that the man starts off the courtship, he starts the ball rolling and in most cases, women are going to sleep with a guy by the second or the third date. Then usually when that happens is, they start reaching out within a day or two after you started hooking up with them. Then you can just use that as an opportunity to set the next date. Then from that point forward, she’s reaching out a couple times a week. You don’t really have to reach out anymore. You can let her do 100% of it. As time goes by, if you don’t back off, it actually becomes counterproductive, and it gets in the way of her falling head over heels in love with you, which is the problem my client had, is because he vomited that he loved her and she didn’t say it to him because again, he was only focused on his interest in her. Women don’t care about how much you love them, what a great guy you are, how big your bank account is or how nice your Bentley is. They only care about how they feel about you.

The bottom line is, that guy was so focused on his interest in her, he was ignoring that she wasn’t feeling the same way. He’s just assuming, since she’s with him that, “Oh, she must feel the same way,” yet he’s the only one talking about their future, saying, “I love you,” and getting all dopey and all up in his feelings. Then as soon as the ex wants another shot and says, “I love you,” she just dips. She went from being in a relationship and dating this other guy to then all of a sudden she’s dating this new guy and in a relationship with him. It was within a few weeks of them dating that he’s locking her down to a commitment. So he wasn’t a challenge. He was too easy. He’d already let her know that she had won the race and wasn’t really paying attention to the fact that she wasn’t feeling the same way, and he was shocked at how quickly. Not only did she dip and start seeing the ex, but now she looks like she’s seeing other guys.

The reality is, he started acting like the woman in the relationship, all dopey, focusing on his feelings, how much he loved her and she just wasn’t in the same place. That’s why it’s much better to let women come to you at their pace. As the book says, they’re the ones that bring up exclusivity and you start the ball rolling, but once they start pursuing and reaching out, your job is over. In this particular case, this woman is in their peer group. So he has social proof with her and she’s already starting to pursue him. At this point, it’s really not necessary to start pursuing her because she’s already doing that. The way the book is set up is to create the conditions where she’ll start to pursue you after the second or third week of dating. Typically now you can’t just look at that and say, “OK, I’ve been I’ve been on two dates or three dates. Now my work is done. I just sit back and relax.” It’s not how it works. You’re going to be responding to how she’s showing up. So in this particular case, we know there was an ex in the background. Supposedly it wasn’t a healthy type of relationship anyways. She’s already pursuing him and communicating her interest. So at this point, all he really has to do is just let her keep coming to him, but now he’s starting to pursue her, which is actually going to going to cause her attraction to go the other way.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I’m in a situation that I’m not sure how to navigate. I’ll give you an overview.

I met this girl who is now in our mutual friend group and we hangout as a group quite frequently. We’ve all gone on vacation together and hangout nearly every/every other Friday and Saturday night. She’s “single” right now but in reality is working her way out of a toxic relationship (Which seems to be on and off). 

So you have to assume the other dude’s got all the leverage, and you got to let her come to you at her pace. Where my client went wrong is that he got all focused on his feelings within the first few weeks, locked her down to a commitment, they were spending a lot of time together and they’re fucking like rabbits, but he’s kind of like a rebound because she’s trying to get over the ex that never wanted to be exclusive with her. So when the ex walks back in the picture three months later, she’s still been thinking about the ex, and she knows this new guy is all wrapped around her finger. So just from a leverage perspective, he’s totally upside down, which is the same position this guy is in from a leverage perspective. He’s upside down here because he just met her, but this other guy has been in her life for some period of time.

She seems to be into me (She’s talked to my guy friends about me). We’ve stayed up, just the two of us, until 6 a.m. just talking and bantering back and forth. When I made a move she pulled back and that was that. Two weeks later, she invites me back to her house after a night out with our friends.

So this is how it happens. He makes a move and she rejects him. So from that point forward, he’s not going to pursue or do anything. Dating is like tennis, right? So he hit the ball over the net, she says, “No, thanks,” and then two weeks later she’s like, “Hey, you want to come hang out at my house?”

We talked in bed for awhile until eventually started making out pretty intensely. She told me she wasn’t looking for anything and didn’t want to have sex…

So when a woman says, “I don’t want to have sex,” what it really means is, “I want to have sex, as long as you don’t talk me out of it,” which the sex didn’t happen, so he kept talking and talked her out of it. Little kissy poo, little cuddling, but that was it.

In which I said I understand and we kept making out and eventually cuddled up to go to sleep. This was on a Saturday. 

So it’s two steps forward, one step back. So if you get rejected again, this is detailed in the book. I’m not going to go through this in the video because you guys got to spend the time to learn the material if you want to be successful long term.

So what should have happened is as she stopped or she backed off, then he can back off and talk and hang out and eventually kiss, start trying to slowly, eventually remove some of her clothing. It’s just a slow process. Again, it’s all detailed in the book, and I’m not going to go through the whole thing here in this video. For those of you that haven’t read 3% Man yet, you can read it for free in the Members Area of the website. Just subscribe to the free email newsletter and then it’ll open up right in your browser.

It’s now a Monday and my thought is to text her tomorrow or Wednesday and ask her when she’s available to get together over dinner. Is this appropriate?

No, I would not do this in this case. Number one, we know there’s an ex in the background. Number two, when you first try to kiss her, she rejected you. Then when you backed off, what happened? She invited you to hang out with her, so you know you’re going to see her again. If she was just one of the girls, one of your potential romantic prospects, and you got other women that you’re dating and potentially hooking up with that doesn’t have an ex in the background and aren’t being a pain in the ass, then in that case, you can hang out, have fun and hook up and make dates. In this particular case, we know that the dude is in the background, she’d already rejected him and we know that he’s probably going to at some point want to get her back. So that’s why everything has to be her idea. You have to let her come to you at her pace. Again, with a woman that doesn’t have an ex in the background and she’s been single for a while, that doesn’t really apply. You just kind of follow the process that’s in the book. Make dates. Again, as the book says, you’re trying to start the courtship off, but once the woman starts reaching out to you and contacting you, especially when it’s two or three times a week, then you don’t have to reach out to her anymore. You just wait to hear from her. Then when you do, assume she wants to see you and make the next date.

So this guy is already kind of in that place with this particular woman, is that we know she’ll reach out, we know she’ll put herself into his orbit, and she’ll let it be known if she wants to spend time with him. So that makes things pretty easy, and it would be helpful if he had other women, because if he looks at this and is logical about the whole thing, he’s like, “This situation is not really ideal. There’s a good chance she’s going to bounce back to the ex, so I’m willing to entertain her, I’m willing to hang out, have fun and hook up with her,” but since she’s already starting to pursue, then you just got to let her come to you, because if you start reaching out to her trying to set dates, you make it too easy, you’re not much of a challenge, it’s not her idea. Plus, she’s got the ex who she’s emotionally bonded to that’s still in the background. So if you start pursuing her, what’s going to happen is she’s going to go cold on you and you’re going to get, “Oh, I’m confused,” just like my client experienced. He pursued too much, too hard, too soon, basically assumed the woman’s role and it blew up in on on him. She supposedly was going through a tough time and needed to figure things out and then come to find out, there’s multiple guys she’s talking to, including the ex. So the problem was, is her interest went down over time instead of up, even though she was doing all the pursuing.

I do like her, but don’t want to over do it. Any advice? 

Thanks, 

Bob

In this particular case, because the ex is in the background, you’ve just got to let her come to you at her pace. That’s it. Wait to hear from her. As the book says, your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, hook up. You’re probably going to see her in your peer group, so the next time you’re together, she’s going to gravitate towards you. Then later in the evening, when you guys are making out and all over, you can say, “Hey, let’s go back to my place.” Then you progress things a little further because it’s her idea, which you notice that she’s more affectionate, she’s more open, she’s more receptive, she offers you less resistance, she knows you like her, she clearly likes you. At the end of the day, there’s another guy in the background. So if you fast forward this a little bit, what typically is going to happen is over the coming weeks and months, if he lets her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, eventually they’ll hook up. Eventually she’ll be calling and texting him every couple of days, and he could just be inviting her over, they can hang out, they can go out on dates. Things will just be easier.

The worst thing he can do is try to lock her down to a commitment, because more than likely, she’ll just bounce back to the ex or potentially some other guy. It’s just the reality, is feminine energy is bonding and connecting, opening up to receive love, dating and relationship labels, family commitment, those kinds of things. That’s why it’s counterproductive for a man to bring that stuff up, especially when she’s in this situation where the ex is lurking in the background. You start to pursue a girl like this, you’re going to get the, “I’m confused.” Then every time you see her in the peer group, the friend group, you’re hoping something’s going to happen. She knows you’re really into it, but now she’s got all the leverage. She knows she can have you, she knows she can have the ex, there might be two or three other guys around that are in the picture. That’s why it’s better to be mysterious and to be a challenge. How would you act if you were kind of bored of her or tired of fucking her? You’d be nice, you’d be friendly, you’d wave when you see her, maybe you’d waver her over, but you’re not going to go out of your way to go up to her and talk to her, because her situation is not really ideal.

Ideally, you want to date somebody that’s single and ready to mingle, not a girl that just became single. There’s a good chance she’s going to bounce back to the ex. That’s how you apply the principles that are in the book to a situation like this. It’s just not clean, it’s a little messy, the dude’s in the background. So from that perspective, there’s not a lot you can do because you got to let her come to you at her pace when she shows interest, because what’s the process of seduction? Getting closer and closer to a woman until you ultimately end up inside of her. So she’s got to be the one to put herself into your orbit because it’s her idea. She’ll like you more, she’ll pursue you more, it’ll stimulate her emotions more and will give you the best possible chance that she chooses you, even over the ex that she’s more emotionally bonded to, because you’re the one that’s a challenge. You’re the one that’s kind of hard to get. You’re the one that’s mysterious. You’re the one that she can’t really figure out. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

So if you guys haven’t already signed up for our paying Members Only content, in the video description of this video, there are links to join the Members Area on our website, you can join on YouTube, you can join on Spotify. You can join on at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website. When you get there and you get five additional paid video coaching newsletters per week, just like this one on the website. Obviously you get the email analysis. We have a 3% Man Study Group, a weekly Mastering Yourself Study Group podcast, as well as the Viewer Questions podcast that we also post, and any other special videos and interviews that we do.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.