Definite Date Or Not?

How to make sure you’ve made a definite date or not to ensure that they keep the date and don’t stand you up.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got stood up on a date to meet a woman for drinks. She is the roommate of a girl a coworker of his is currently seeing. He texted her when he arrived to say that he was there. Ten minutes later she texted back and asked him to call her.

They spoke and she started making excuses and then tried to blame him for not confirming the date, even though they had just made definite plans only three days before. He shares his text exchanges and asks my opinion if he correctly set a definite date and if he handled things properly. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This guy sent me their text exchange which I’m going to go through with you, because he wants to confirm, “I definitely made a definite date with this girl, right?” The only critique I would have for him is you can tell that he was pretty angry, pretty pissed off, pretty butt hurt, but other than that he just made the date three days before this. But I look at these kinds of events as a good thing, and I’ll get to that in a minute as to why it’s a good thing. Then, I’ll go through some things you can do when you’re making a date to make sure the other person keeps it.

If you think about it, you make a date three days before, say, like a Tuesday or a Wednesday, and you’re going to meet on a Friday night. I mean, you’ve got to think about it from this perspective. If you made plans to get together with a good friend, somebody that’s reliable, dependable, or maybe your parents, or maybe you have a meeting with an important client that you’re trying to spend time with, it’s all really about interest level.

In other words, what is the interest level of the prospect that you’re meeting with? If it’s a girl for a date, what’s her real true interest in you? People who have high interest and spending time with you will make sure they’re there on time. Actually, they’ll be a little bit early, and they may even text you just to make sure the day of that they’re still on. Now, somebody that has low interest and low respect for you, because they’re just a low quality person, they’re not going to really care one way or another.

And you’ll kind of see that her interest in meeting him is just, she’s just kind of “Ehh.” When I compare now being 51 versus when I was dating in my twenties, (this was before social media), typically, at least in my own life, when I was going out and doing social things, most of the time I wasn’t meeting somebody and then five minutes later I had to run to an appointment. We might be at a bar, or a friend’s party or just hanging out at different friend’s houses with their kids or whatever. And so, you had plenty of time to talk to and engage with other human beings.

And if you’re interested in a woman and you meet her at a party, you might talk for a half hour or an hour and the conversation just flows easy and effortless. So when you have a lot of time to kind of get to know somebody and see if there’s a connection there, and you like her, she likes you, you’re going to get her phone number, obviously her name, and then you’ll call her later on to make a date. And you’ve had time to create that rapport. You’re not some random stranger that you met on a dating app and maybe spent five minutes on the phone with or five minutes texting back and forth and made a date for drinks.

And so, when you meet somebody in person, maybe you’re at a trade show or a convention, or you’re sitting in an airport waiting for a plane, or you’re having a drink in a bar, maybe you’re traveling or whatever, you’ve got time to get to know somebody and create some actual rapport with them. The more time you spend with them initially when you meet them, you’re going to have a much better rapport. And therefore, if you make a date and you get their address to go pick them up, they’re already kind of familiar with you, verses nowadays with social media and especially with all the desperate guys out there that have been so brainwashed by society, they have no idea what they’re doing.

And then, you get women on dating apps, women on social media, Instagram, whatever, and all day long they’ve got dudes throwing their dicks at them, so they have their choice. They have way more abundance than they used to have just twenty years ago. And so, you’ve got to take that into consideration. It’s like, how much rapport do you have with this person? Because the less amount of rapport and the less amount of time you spend up front getting to know them, the higher the likelihood that you make set plans and they flake on you. So it’s important to keep that in mind.

And the reality is, if conversation doesn’t flow when you first meet somebody, it’s not going to flow any better on a date. And that’s why if you can spend more time talking and chatting with somebody 15, 20 minutes to see how the conversation goes, if it never stalls or dies and you actually like what she has to say, chances are when you go out on a date, it’ll only get better. But if you’re struggling to converse with them in person and it doesn’t flow, there’s absolutely no reason and no point in getting their number and trying to set a date, assuming that they’ll like you more on the date.

The idea is you’re trying to prevent people from wasting your time. And when you take into account that women, especially younger women in their 20s, have so much attention — all they have to do is get online or put their dating profile up and they’re getting bombarded by attention — you want to make sure that you’re making plans with somebody that actually likes you and is actually into you.

Remember, life should be an asshole free zone, and unfortunately, there’s a lot of assholes in the world. Social media has turned a lot of really attractive women into assholes and tyrants, on top of daddy issues and other problems that they bring to the table, so you’ve got women being just completely spoiled, and there’s no consequences for them. It’s like, they don’t care if they blow you off. There’s ten other dudes that want to go out on a date with them, so you’ve got to keep that in mind.

That’s why you’ve got to pre-screen women properly up front, whether it’s through the phone or spending some time. What I always did when I was online dating was I would spend 10 to 15 minutes just talking on the phone and see how the conversation flowed. Did she sounded interesting to me? Would I want to sit there for a couple hours and drinks and dinner and listen to her? Would I actually want to hear what she had to say? And if it doesn’t flow in the phone, there’s no way I would ever meet them in person. It would just be an absolute waste of time.

And again, I wrote about this. The women I wrote about in this book were not just average chicks that came along every day. These were once, twice, maybe three times a decade kind of women that come along that you really click with, you really jive with, just like your closest friends you’re going to jive with instantly.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach Corey,

I made what I perceived as definite plans to meet up for drinks with the roommate of my coworker’s current hookup. Three days before the date, we agreed upon a day, time and location to meet with the messages ending, Me: “See you there!” Her: “Can’t wait.” Seems like a confirmation to me.

So the one caveat, and I mentioned this in the book, is that when you’re meeting somebody someplace, one of the things I would always say is, “Hey, if you get there first, get us a table, and if I get there first I’ll get us a table,” because it’s just one more thing to confirm. And if you’re not sure, another thing you can do on the day of the date, maybe a few hours before, is say, “Hey, I’m running late. I’ve got some late meetings,” and then just say, “Can we push it back a half hour?” or an hour or forty five minutes, “Does that work for you?” and see what they say. It’s good, because that can help them confirm the date and remind them to be there.

But what’s bad about that is that, like in this case, even though he got stood up, he found out what she was all about. He found out that she was flaky and unreliable. And on top of that, you’ll see when I go through the text exchanges, she makes all these excuses up and then she turns around and blames it on him, saying he didn’t confirm the date. So what does that mean? It means that she probably got yelled at a lot by her parents and always told that she was wrong, and so she can’t accept any responsibility for making mistakes.

And so, you can imagine, you get into an argument with a woman like this about whatever it happens to be, and she’s never going to admit that she was wrong. She’s going to defend herself and just react the way she learned to react in childhood to you, just like she did to her parents. “Hey, it’s not my fault. Let me explain to you why,” and then flip it around and try to make you feel like it was your fault.

How are you going to work out differences with somebody that doesn’t admit that they made a mistake? I mean, if it was Brad Pitt or somebody famous and very handsome, she wouldn’t have done this to him. She did it because she really had a take it or leave it kind of attitude. She didn’t really care one way or another. He was an option. He was an afterthought to her. And now he knows, even though he got stood up and he’s mad about it, which is understandable.

But if you use the technique of the day of the date texting her, “Hey, I’m running late. Can we meet in a half hour later? Does that still work for you?” then she can confirm and say “yes.” And so, the likelihood that she doesn’t stand you up or is on time, in other words, you’re you’re doing the best thing, but you don’t really find out what her integrity is like. Because you want somebody who’s like, “Hell yeah. I’d love to go on a date with you,” and they’re excited. They want to make a good impression. They’re there on time. Maybe they’re even early. And that’s what you want.

All of my closest friends, my family, we make plans a week, two weeks in advance, it goes in the calendar. Or for me, if it’s somebody really close to me, whether it’s family or friends, I’m excited to see them. I’m looking forward to that. If it’s a date with a girl I really like, I remember that in my mind. I’m looking forward to that. I want to spend my time with people that really want to spend time with me. Not people who are like, “Ehh.” It’s like, why waste your time? Life’s way too short.

The night of, I arrive on time and messaged her that I’m here. She responds about 10 minutes later asking me to call her. 

Obviously, not a good sign.

She immediately starts apologizing and saying that she had to stay late at work and she could be at the bar in 30-45 minutes.

Can you imagine a woman like this being responsible for picking up your children from school? Or if you asked her to pick up a birthday cake for your mother’s birthday and everybody’s coming over to your house, do you think she would remember to do it?

I told her I wasn’t going to wait, maybe we could get together some other time. She then tries to shift the blame on me, saying that we hadn’t spoken in three days, and she wasn’t sure if we were still on because I never reached out to confirm.

Would she do that to her parents? Would she do that to a famous, really super handsome celebrity that she really wanted to meet and spend time with? Would she do that with a high profile client of the company that she works for that needs to be taken care of? Probably not. So it shows you her level of interest.

And she doesn’t really know him, even though they have a connection through his coworker and her roommate. It just shows she just doesn’t care. She’s just fucking rude. She’s a feral human. She’s a low quality chick. She’s selfish, a little narcissistic, and on top of that tries to blame him. I mean, the guy drove all the way there to meet her. He remembered, and she’s like, “Oh, I’m busy with work.”

And then, when that sounds like bullshit, “Well, it’s your fault actually.” That’s what a narcissist does. They turn it around and they make you the guilty one when they didn’t show up. So, again, she’s trying to absolve herself from any personal responsibility, and it’s obvious she learned that in childhood, probably because her parents were always yelling at her and complaining and telling her she did something wrong. So, she never felt like she could do anything right, and so that’s just her natural go to. “Oh, it wasn’t my fault. It was your fault.”

I told her if she was unsure if we were still on, she could have reached out to me.

That’s what people who have high integrity do. “Hey, are we still on for tonight?” If they don’t know you that well, that’s common. You don’t just fucking make plans with somebody, and then not show up. That’s just rude. You do that at work, you get fired. If it was somebody working for me and I had a really important client, and then they just fucking blow it off and go, “I got busy, I tied up. You didn’t call and confirm,” you’re fucking fired. I don’t hire people like that. I don’t work with people like that. I don’t tolerate bullshit like that. And you shouldn’t either.

She messaged me after, and I stood my ground, which she didn’t take very well. I’ve read the book 3 times and am on my fourth round. Was this not a definite date?

Sincerely,

Bob

Okay, so now we’re going to go through the text exchange. This is when they’re making plans:

Her: “I can meet you there. Is it close by?”

Him: “RVC”

Her: “OK. Tuesday?”

Him: “Yeah. Meet me at Croxley’s at 7:00. Get ready to have a great time!”

And she puts a little heart on. She loves it.

Her: “Okay, sounds good! Can’t wait LOL”

Him: “Looking forward to it. See you there.”

And she put a heart on both of those, so she loved both of those. It sounds like a definite confirmation.

And so, here’s his text when he arrives. He says,

Him: “I’m here.”

Her: “Call me. I feel really bad. I’m really sorry. I honestly lost track of time. Work got chaotic.”

It’s like, this is such bullshit women use. It doesn’t matter. Because I talk to guys all over the world and they use the same fucking excuses. It’s all BS. Remember, the longer the excuse, the bigger the lie.

Her: “But also, I haven’t heard from you since Friday. Like I said, I’m almost home now if you want to give me 15 minutes.”

Him: “My free time is limited. We made definite plans and I’m a man of my word. I’m not sitting around in my car waiting for an hour. Not cool. I’m home already. If you want to come hang out at my place, I’m down for that. Not coming back out to Long Island.”

Her: “It’s cool. You could’ve said that on the phone. You rudely hung up without saying much. I genuinely felt bad and was rushing home to meet you, but you’re right we shouldn’t hang out if this is how it’s already going.”

So, yeah she apologized, but her apology is BS. Me personally, I would not want to deal with somebody like this. So, if you look at it, she’s probably like this with a lot of her friends. She’s probably like this at work. If she was working for me, I would have fired the bitch a long time ago. I wouldn’t put up with people like this in my life, because you put up a people like this, then they refer friends to you or people they know, and those people tend to be just like that.

I mean, in my career in real estate and the construction industry, I hired and fired hundreds of people. And you’ve got a small percentage of people that would work out, and then the majority of them were just average people, unreliable, they’re constantly calling in sick. They don’t work out, they don’t take care of themselves. They’ve always got excuses. It’s never their fault. It’s always somebody else’s. Unfortunately, in the dating world and just life in general, you have to deal with people like this. You have to weed through these low quality people.

Her: “Sorry again for wasting your limited time.”

Him: “Not much to say when you get stood up. It is what it is. Later.”

He didn’t really go into what he said in the phone, but the impression she got was that he was butt hurt and hung up, but I can understand. The important thing to notice about this is that there’s no accountability. Yeah, she apologized, but people throw apologies around these days and that doesn’t mean shit. Especially when they keep making the same mistakes. And so, she’s just used to treating people like dirt and getting away with it. She’s a flake. I wouldn’t want anything to do with with people like this. They’re just not worth your time. And so, yeah, it’s upsetting that you get stood up, but now you know.

I would tell your buddy, “Hey dude, I appreciate you setting me up, but that girl’s a fucking flake, man. If you’re going to set me up, set me up with somebody that’s high character, high integrity. This girl is a total flake. We made a date three days before, she confirmed it. We were supposed to definitely be there. I show up, I remember, and she’s like, “Work is chaotic,” and then she turns around and tries to blame me. She’s a fucking loser. I don’t want anything to do with that girl. I don’t want anything to do with anybody that’s like that.”

I figure that’s a good email, so you could see what happens. Because think about it from this perspective, say you had texted her on the day of the date, you know, a couple of hours before saying, “Hey, I’m going to be running late. Can we push it back? Does that work for you?” and she says “yes.” How many dates do you have to go out on and how much money do you have to spend on her before you find out she’s a total flake?

Here, yeah she stood you up, but now you know right away she’s totally disqualified and you’ll never see or speak to her again. But had you’ve gone out on three or four or five dates and then you start getting emotionally invested, like the video that I did yesterday where I talked about the guy whose girlfriend of a year was two hours late for their Valentine’s Day date, (“People Who Violate Your Boundaries”). And he’d been putting up with that for a whole year, which he shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t have been dating that woman for the whole year. He should have found out right away how flaky she was and then ditched her, instead of having a flaky girlfriend for a year.

So, yeah, he’s upset that he got stood up, but to me, it’s nice to know right away. You didn’t have to spend any money on her, other than you spent some gas money. Maybe you had some tolls along the way and you’re out your time. But other than that, nothing else. You don’t have to risk slipping one past the goalie, the condom breaking, getting a disease, potentially. I mean, I always look at the upside in everything in life. And so, this girl did you a favor.

You followed what was in the book, and yeah you got stood up, but now you know. You don’t have to spend a moment with a chick like this, because she’s low quality and she’s not worth your time. Let some other flaky, low quality dude end up with her. I personally wouldn’t waste my time at all.

And so, if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” or “Mastering Yourself,” you can read them both for free and UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. If you like these sweet mugs, you can get them at Teespring in the Coach Corey Wayne store to remind yourself. It might not be suitable for work. Obviously, in my office and the way I work, we use the “F” bombs liberally, so if people don’t like it, who cares.

“The world is full of too many average, low quality humans. High achievers and people who treat their fellow human beings with kindness and mutual respect are extremely rare. Average humans have no self-respect and therefore don’t treat others with respect. They feel entitled to waste the time of others because they themselves waste their lives and their own time. Always pay attention to how people treat you. Do they make and keep plans and actually show up on time for those plans? Are they reliable, dependable, and excited to see you and be a part of your life? Or do they treat you like an afterthought and option to be discarded when someone or something else catches their attention and distracts them? Don’t take it personally when people stand you up, take you for granted, waste your time or demonstrate that they are low quality. Instead, be grateful that they revealed to you early on that they do not belong in your life before you’ve wasted too much of your valuable time, money and emotional energy.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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