How having a delusional romantic fantasy about someone can lead to epic blunders and suffering.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is projecting his delusional romantic fantasy onto a woman he barely knows and is contemplating uprooting his life for her. He has been following my work for 5 years and only got my book, 3% Man, 2 years ago. It’s obvious he’s lazy and hasn’t taken the time to learn the material. He started dating and hooking up with this woman a year ago for about 2 weeks. Then he went away for work for 2 weeks, and when he came back, she had a new boyfriend.
She just reached out to him a few days ago and wants to pick up where they left off. He’s already thinking about moving to be closer to her and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is a good email, because there’s just so many guys that behave this way. They think they’re going to bend themselves into a pretzel to please a woman and ignore the fact that, supposedly he’s met his soulmate – it’s a great, hot and heavy relationship for two whole weeks – then he’s on business for two weeks, comes back, and she’s like, “Oh, I’ve got a new boyfriend now. Sorry.”
I started watching your videos on YouTube over 5 years ago and I bought your audiobook, 3% Man, 2 years ago. Thank you for the help when I was starting out. You’re a legend.
So, that just tells me, “Yeah, I read it once and then never looked at it again.” And you wonder why this guy is sending me an email.
Onto the goods. Last year, I ended up hooking up with a lady I had known for some time previously. When we first met, we were friends only, as I was dating someone else at the time. We clicked immediately when we met. Fast forward 2 years, we’re both single and she reached out saying she would be in my area. I set up everything without hiccup, and we ended up having fun and hooking up for the 2 weeks we were together.
To him, that’s a whole relationship, a two week relationship.
Things were going great, and I commend this to how I followed your advice.
Oh, yeah, you’re sure following my advice properly.
I was working 2 weeks away at a time, so when I went back to work and came back, she had found a boyfriend in that time.
Wow, she must have really been into you. It must have really been a great love affair. I’d say what happened was she broke up with her boyfriend and she called all the male orbiters that she knew. And this guy probably acted more masculine than you did. Maybe she had more time with him. Maybe she had already hooked up with that guy before, who knows. But you are one of the orbiters that she got in touch with. That’s reality. Remember, we all project our fantasy on the other person, and then we ignore that when they don’t really match that.
I was indifferent when she told me but let her know that what we had wouldn’t continue if she had a boyfriend.
What does that mean? She wanted to continue seeing you and hooking up even though she supposedly had a boyfriend?
And I backed away and let her do her own thing. I stopped all communication unless she reached out. I was disappointed but didn’t let it bother me. Another bus is 15 minutes away.
A year passes, and she reaches back out to me today. She’s single, and so am I. She wants to meet up and continue where we left things.
These hoes ain’t loyal.
I tell her I will be back in her area next week, and I’ll message her when I know certainties and we can set a date. She’s 24 and I’m 36. I’m living really far from her, but I’d consider moving closer to her to be with her, (though I know this is the wrong move).
So, why are you considering it? Dude, you had two weeks. I mean, already, if you look at her behavior, you go, these hoes ain’t loyal! Obviously, you were way more into her than she was into you. So, is she newly single and you’re just one of the orbiters, the rebound guy she’s reached out to? It’s like, this guy’s already planning his future with her and he hasn’t even seen her yet. And it’s been a year. He’s literally thinking, “Oh yeah, I’ll consider moving closer to her. I know I shouldn’t do that, but I’m considering it.”
My question is, should I continue what I’ve been doing, focusing on my purpose and drive, my career and my daughter and hope she comes to the conclusion to move closer to me on her own?
Yeah! See, this is why I say read the book 10-15 times. You cherry picked a few things and you absolutely have no idea what the hell you’re doing. You’re ready to uproot your life and your daughter’s life to be closer to this chick who, quite frankly, hasn’t proven anything other than she was a casual hookup, or a fuck buddy, or a friends with benefits. Do you think this is the kind of woman you want to co-parent with your daughter, to be a stepmother to your daughter?
Or should I put myself in her orbit…
“Hey, Coach, should I act like a woman? Do you think that’ll cause her to like me?” It’s like, bro. I think he might have listened to the audiobook once, and now he’s like, “Oh, I did everything. I don’t need to go through it again.”
…drop subtle clues suggesting she move closer to me. etc.
No, you don’t need to do anything. Your job as a man is to just simply create an opportunity for sex to happen. And you’re thinking, “How do I wife her up? How do I lock her down? I don’t want her to get away!” She sounds like a drifter to me. She sounds like she’s using you as her entertainment and her rebound guy, and you’re just happy to fall all over yourself to do it.
I’m crazy about how this girl makes me feel. She’s beautiful, funny, lives healthy, and has a positive relationship with her family, especially her father.
Well, he’s got it all figured out now. But he ignores, how does she treat you, dude? How’s she treating you, do you like that? Your supposed a soul mate spent two weeks with you, you go away for two weeks on business, and she’s like, “Oh, hey, sorry. Aw shucks, I’ve got a new boyfriend. You should have been quicker.”
Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. If you’re not a priority to her, why are you thinking about making her a priority to you? I mean, that’s just pathetic, dude. Oh, geez, look at what he says next…
She’s worth everything, and I haven’t stopped thinking about her, (even in relationships that I’ve had in between), but what would you do in my shoes?
I’d treat her like any other girl. I’d be pretty suspect. I’d be thinking, she’s more of a friends with benefits. She’s not girlfriend material or wife material, based on what you’ve seen so far. But remember, people make their decisions based upon emotions, and then they use logic and reason to justify their decisions. And so, here, he’s talking himself into thinking, “Oh, I found my soulmate.”
Should I go in with the same attitude as before? Should I let her know how much I missed her?
Dude, calm down. Holy shit. I think you should go back and actually read and listen to “3% Man” 10 to 15 times first, because you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing.
Should I confide in her how much she’s been on my mind since last year?
Women don’t give a shit how much you like them or how much you’ve been on their mind. They only care about how you make them feel. You’re acting like a chick. You’re in approval seeking mode, “How do I get her approval and attention? How do I get her to notice me?” Come on, dude, this is not masculine. You’re acting like a chick.
I’d love for things to eventually blossom to the point where she wants a relationship with me and not just amazing sex.
You don’t know her well enough to know whether she’s a good person to be in a relationship with, dude, especially if she’s even a candidate to be a potential stepmother to your daughter. It’s like, pull your fucking head out of your ass. Jesus Christ, dude.
I’m curious how you would handle this and what you would do in my shoes.
If I was in your shoes, I’d actually read the book and learn it and apply it, instead of doing the opposite, because you don’t sound like a guy that understands even a fraction of what I teach. You’re literally doing the opposite what the book teaches. And you have a daughter to think about, so you need to pull your fucking head out of your ass, dude. Seriously, come on, man. Your daughter needs a good example. Not some emotionally unstable dude that acts like an insecure chick, just ready to uproot his and her life for some woman he was just hooking up with for a few weeks. It’s like, Jesus, dude. What are you thinking? Well, there’s no thinking involved, obviously, it’s all emotions.
But when you get back in town, just think about the next date. Live in the present moment. Hang out, have fun, hook up. See if she sticks around. See if she makes the effort. You’ve got to let women come to you at their pace, and you’re acting like a woman. What’s going to happen, if you keep acting the same way that you do and you don’t go back and read the book, you’re going to chase her right back out of your life.
And based on her behavior and even what you said about, “Hey, nothing’s going to continue now that you’ve got a new boyfriend,” it sounds like she wanted to continue seeing this guy, even though she supposedly was in a relationship. So, it doesn’t sound like she’s very loyal. People can hide who they are for about the first 90 days, so just make one date. That’s it. Don’t be thinking about marrying this girl. You don’t know her well enough. I mean, that’s just nonsense to think that you can make that kind of a decision right now. You’ve got a daughter to think about. It’s like, fuck, dude. Jump up and down so your balls drop. My God.
So, that’s all I’ve got to say about that. But I’d get back into the book. I would read that 10 to 15 times and actually start applying it and learn the material. Let her come to you. And I’d continue dating other women, because you put this girl on a pedestal and you’re treating her like a celebrity. She already ditched you once, and if you keep acting like this and you have the same kind of mindset, she’s going to ditch you again. That’s just the harsh reality.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur