Desperate Needy Guy Still Can’t Help Himself & Chases Women Away

Why acting desperate & needy scares women & chases them away.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 50-year-old viewer who I’ve done two phone sessions with. He admits he didn’t listen after our last phone call and he continued chasing and over pursuing a woman who had clearly lost interest for a month and got nowhere. He’s been depressed and sad worrying he will never find another woman who is younger to have a family with who has the same values.

Recently he met a woman in her twenties who shares the same values and they hooked up on their 1st date. She’s only had one boyfriend of six years and dumped him a few months ago. However, he’s already starting to lose it and over pursue. Her responses are getting slower and shorter and he simply can’t help himself. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular guy I did two phone sessions with and there were a couple of video newsletters I did in the past year from him. The first one was, “My Girl Thinks I’m 39 From My Dating Profile. I’m Actually 49. What Do I Do?” That video was from nine months ago. This one is from six months ago that was the most recent one, “How Texting, Phone Calls & Contact Should Evolve During Dating.”

So this guy, he’s 50 and he was dating a woman who was a hairdresser I think was like 30, and we did two phone sessions and he had been so needy, so desperate, so neurotic, over-pursued, and when we had our last phone call, he kept doing it to the point where she was just pushing him away, and I was like, “You got to let her come to you,” and he didn’t do that. He said he continued pursuing for a month. Obviously, it went nowhere. So now he’s met a new girl just recently and she’s like 22. They hooked up the first night they met, and she’s had one boyfriend in her life, and she was with him for six years, and just broken up with him a few months before they met. So you could tell right away what he’s doing. He’s texting, he’s double texting, he’s calling her, he’s sending her memes, and it’s just not clicking with him that he’s doing the same thing.

So this guy has a real hard time with the illusion of action and exercising self control. He spent a lot of months feeling depressed, sad and upset that he chased this girl away. Now he’s got a new one, he’s all excited about it, he’s doing the same exact thing and he has no self-awareness and cannot see it. So this is a good email to learn from because this guy is like really super extreme in his over pursuit and he just doesn’t have any self-awareness to recognize what he’s doing.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach!

You remember me? Bob from Cali who you did several videos talking about. I haven’t talked to you since our call on February 7th. I was really in a dark desperate place. I was acting weird needy and desperate to see her again.

Women don’t like that. It creeps them out. That’s like a stalkerish kind of vibe. That’s the vibe that the psycho gives off. The guy that won’t take no for an answer. The guy that won’t leave her alone. The guy that scares women. Do you want to scare women? You keep doing this. That’s how you get a restraining order is when you act this way.

You told me to not contact her ever again, but of course I kept trying for another month. It has taken  me several months to get over the massive depression, shame and despair over losing her (Jessica, the 30-year-old hairdresser who I dated for four months). For me, as a 50-year-old who wants a family, it threw me into a depressing midlife crisis where I wondered if I’d ever get another hot young gal for my future wife. 

You’re living in the future, dude. You still got to vet women. Just because she’s hot and she’s young, doesn’t mean she’s already won the race, and you’re ready to put a ring on anybody’s finger who pays any attention to you. Your attitude should be, you’re looking for a girl to have a family with, and until or unless you find somebody and you date for at least two years and she’s easy going, easy to get along with, she respects you, she builds you up, she’s grateful, she’s nice, she’s kind, she thanks you for the things that you do for her, she doesn’t complain all the time, she doesn’t nag you, she communicates like an adult, she comes from a good family, her parents are together and they actually have a good relationship, not where they’re together and mom walks all over the dad and treats the father like a doormat. If the mother does that to the father, the daughter is going to do that to you.

I talked to so many guys over the years, they’re like, “Oh yeah, she’s got a great relationship with her mom and dad,” and I’m like, “Well, tell me about the relationship. Is it healthy?” “Oh, it’s great. It’s awesome. I’d love to have them be grandparents to our children.” I’m like, “Yeah, but does the mother respect the father?” “Oh, absolutely.” It’s like, “Does she troll him all the time? Is the father squishy? Does she nag and berate the father until he just gives in?” “Well yeah, she kind of does that.” It’s like, this girl that you’re dating does this to you, that’s obviously where it came from. The mother taught the daughter how to treat men, and the father let the mother get away with it. So you can’t say it’s a healthy relationship. When I’m doing phone sessions with these guys, it’s like they’ve already convinced themselves the girl’s perfect. Then we really get into some of the dynamics of their relationship that are causing problems. Like the daughter behaves exactly like the mother does, and just because the parents are together doesn’t mean they get a good, healthy relationship or did a good job on the daughter or raising her.

You got a vet on a case-by-case basis. When you’re needy and you’re desperate, as Edward Chapin said, “Impatience never commanded success.” So this guy is super impatient, really in a bad, fearful state and he just doesn’t have the self-awareness to recognize it. His behavior is constantly shooting himself in the foot until it’s too late.

Over the last two months, I have committed to getting better. I took all out massive action on the dating apps. Also, I went to my favorite country dance club twice a week and asked girls out that I danced with. 

On Friday, May 17th, I danced with a cute blonde. She looked to be late 20s. As usual, I got her number and the next day expressed my interest in seeing her again.

So that tells me Saturday he’s texting her right away instead of waiting till Monday or Tuesday, like the book would say. It’s very impatient.

I was pleased that she was interested. This past Saturday, she said she’s going to Cowboy Country and would like to see me. She showed up with a girlfriend.

So here he is making a group date with her.

After they got a drink she sat next to me and was showing all the signs of interest: Eye contact, touching, sitting close. She let me know she’s also of Viking ancestry, also conservative, also want family, likes guns, etc. She is a super cute blonde with hazel eyes. She admitted she was a former cheerleader. I found out later she’s only like 22. So we hung out, drank, danced and played Jenga and beer pong. Her friend left and told me to get her home safe.

So the group date wasn’t the end of the world, but I wouldn’t have agreed to it. I’ve done plenty of phone sessions. Most of the time it goes sideways.

After that, we started making out at the bar. I took her home and we tapped. The next day I returned her belt (She’d left it) to her and we went for coffee. It was a nice conversation mostly looking at pictures of her family and past. The whole evening dancing with her and the successful seduction was/is a huge boon to my already booming confidence and swagger.

Slow down, dude. Don’t get way ahead of yourself.

I’m glad to send you this happy success story.

Well, it’s the beginning of a success story. You got your dick wet. Doesn’t mean you’ve already won the race and everything’s done. You got to exercise self control.

My question now is how to maintain the balance of power?

Probably be a good idea to follow and apply what’s in the book. I can’t believe you had asked me a question like that. You got to let women come to you at their pace. If you’re always acting needy, neurotic and over-pursuing, you got to look at how much contact initiation you’re doing versus her. Most women, healthy women, will let you get away with letting her do 100% of the pursuing. So if she’s already calling and texting you, then you just wait to hear from her and make the next date. Doesn’t have to be an official date. Doesn’t got to be a week in advance. If she’s calling and texting you a couple times a day, you’ve already hooked up, make a date, hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s that simple.

How do I ensure she keeps reaching out to me but yet not me a dick and ignore her texts?

Well, I don’t teach to ignore the text, so I don’t know where you get that from. It just doesn’t sound like you’ve really read the book and you really know what’s in here. I mean, basic questions that a teenager would need to know, but you’ve been following me this long. We’ve done phone sessions and you’re still asking me, “What do I do, Coach?” It tells me you haven’t read the book. So if you haven’t read the book, you’re cherry picking from videos and you’re half-assing it, you’re going to fuck it up just like you fucked the last one up.

If you don’t learn the fundamentals, you’ll just keep fucking up. Until you get burned, until it happens enough, until you experience enough pain, you’re probably not going to listen to me. Just like when we did phone sessions, you didn’t listen to me.

She’s only had one boyfriend of six years and said she kicked him to the curb a few months ago. She is on the road most of the month and I’m going back to Montana for the summer. She has expressed interest in going to Montana in July to see me.

Well, we’re in May, so that’s like two months away. One of you should be traveling to see each other at some point, and I wouldn’t wait till July. Just make a date happen. Either she comes to see you, you go see her travel, meet up, have a good time. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Just as simple as that.

I just want to make it through the next month without talking her out of liking me!

Because I’ve already been through this, let’s look at what he actually does. Remember, the phone is for setting dates, right?

Today I was trying to NOT reach out, but despite myself I texted a, “Morning beautiful.”

“Woo, woo.” Cooing like a dove.

She responded, “Good morning,” and then I called…

“Hey, it’s me.”

…But she texted she’s out hiking.

“Hey sorry, I’m hiking.” What does that mean? She doesn’t want to talk to you. So that tells me already he’s over-pursuing the point where she’s like, “Whoa, bro. Dude.” You’re a 50-year-old man acting like a fucking horny virgin teenager. Come on, dude.

I tried again later but she was then with family at a Memorial Day BBQ.

It’s like, hello? No self-awareness. So he’s double calling her. Dating is like tennis, right? You hit the ball over the net, you wait for a hit it back. He’s got the automatic ball machine all the way turned up. He’s got the box full of tennis balls, and he’s boom, boom, boom, and she’s like, “Whoa! What the fuck, dude She’s running off the court. “What the hell?”

She didn’t try to call me back either time.

Hmm, I wonder why. Could it be that you’re already over-pursuing her?

So I think calling her twice unsuccessfully wasn’t good…

You think?

…But hey I was on the road all day and felt better about a phone call rather than texting.

Yeah, the illusion of action. You’re talking yourself into continuing doing the same behavior. Dude, you haven’t changed at all. The two phone sessions we did, it’s like you threw all that shit out the window, and you’re just committed to doing it your way, and then you’re making excuses for the illusion of action. “Well, I probably shouldn’t call her twice, but I was on the road and I was like woo, woo, woo.” So it wasn’t just the phone calls. It didn’t stop there.

I sent a couple photos of Utah and she said, “Looks beautiful!” And said, “Send more photos of every angle.”

He’s like, “Mommy!”

I sent a few more photos and asked if she took pics from the BBQ but no response.

God I’m shocked. I’m shocked you got no response. Unbelievable! Can’t believe that happened!

I also put those pics on Instagram and she ”liked” them. I think I need to pull back…

Yeah.

…And wait. Let her reach out.

Yeah. So he’s already coming up with another excuse to reach out if she doesn’t let her be. Dude, let her come to you. Dating is like tennis. You sent several texts, messages, phone calls and pictures and she ain’t sent you shit. You’re way more into this than she is.

Women like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. You’re fucking 50 years old, dude. This girl is 22 and you’re acting like you’re fucking 15 years old and in love for the first time. This is not going to work. You’re going to chase her out of your life. She’ll block you. She’ll, “Oh, I’m not sure I’m able to be. Oh, I’m just out of a six year relationship. I’m really struggling to break out. I just need time. I’m not ready for a relationship.” I just hear the excuses coming.

Maybe just try to set up a call/FaceTime once a week as we won’t be able to see each other until July. What do you think?

THANK YOU,

Bob

Why July? Why is it going to take two months? Unless she’s out of town or whatever. If she reaches out to you, I would let her do all the pursuing. Then once a week, every week and a half, arrange a FaceTime date to catch up. If you’re constantly sending texts and pictures all day every day, she’s not going to want to talk to you on FaceTime because she’s going to be bored already. Because you already told everything about what’s going on in your life through text.

Dude, you got to read the book 10 to 15 times and actually learn what the hell you’re doing because your game sucks and you’re already the exact same behavior that chased the hairdresser away. You’re doing exactly the same thing, and you have zero self-awareness. You can’t even see that. Yet you keep bullshitting yourself and talking yourself into justifying more action, more calls, more texts.

Get a hobby. Go see your family. Go hang out with some friends. Go to the gym. Go do something. Be busy. Find some other girls. Go back to that country dance bar and go meet another girl there or get back in the dating apps. It’s like you’ve already convinced yourself the race is over. It’s like all you’re doing is smothering this girl and you’re going to push her away. She’s already kind of ignoring you and you’re still not stopping, and you’re already thinking, “Oh, I got to do a FaceTime date or else I’m on a loser.”

I wouldn’t do anything. Wait to hear from her. Take your time getting back to her. Match and mirror her low effort. I mean, I had all these same discussions with this guy and our two previous phone sessions. He never once listened. He just kept doing it his way. Then what happened? He was rejected. He felt depressed for several months. Then he gets back out there, meets a new girl, and he’s already doing the same exact thing. He’s chasing her right out of his life and he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. He just keeps making excuses for it.

Women don’t care about how much you like them, or that you’re a good guy, or even that the sex is good, they only care about how they feel about you, and it’s clear she’s way less interested in you than you are into her. The more you talk, the more you text, the more you’re driving her away. Let her be. Be OK with not talking to her for a few days. I wouldn’t call or text her at all. It’s like everything you’ve done is like, way too much, dude. If you hear from her say, “Hey, I’d love to catch up. Let’s do a FaceTime date on Friday or Saturday,” or whatever the date happens to be if she’s available. If she doesn’t know, then just say, “Hey, get in touch when you figure it out. I’d love to catch up,” and just leave it at that and be OK with not hearing from her for a few days or a week or so or whatever.

Just relax. Chill the fuck out. You’re pursuing her and trying to get her attention, and she’s basically pushing you away, and you’re not stopping. You can’t behave that way. You’re acting like a chick. You’re acting like a little insecure dude trying to lose his virginity on spring break. Come on, man.

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