How to know if you did the right thing ending a relationship that wasn’t working or healthy to be in.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 7 times and has followed my work for a couple of years. He recently broke up with what appears to be a toxic and emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive woman. From his email, it doesn’t appear that he really understands or applies what the book teaches. However, based upon her behavior, it doesn’t look like having a healthy relationship was even possible with her.
He asks my opinion on if he did the right thing, because he is obviously having doubts. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Most guys don’t really get the opportunity to be the dumper. They’re usually the dumpee. The reality is, women do the dumping 75% of the time, that includes divorces and breakups. So, women are usually the ones that are getting rid of the guys. And how often do any of us meet somebody that we really click with, we really jive with? And not just women to date or partners to date. If you’re a woman dating guys, how often do you really meet somebody you click with? How often do you meet a new best friend? How often do you meet somebody you become really close to and they’re always in your life? It’s something that very rarely happens.
You may accumulate one or two of those people a decade, that are with you through your whole life. I mean, when’s the last time you met somebody that became a really close friend and you’ve known them for 10, 15, 20 years, or whatever? Obviously, that’s assuming you’re older. Because I know the majority of the people that are watching my videos, the largest demographic, that’s almost 50%, is 25 to 35. And then another 30% of that is 35 to 45. So, 25 to 45 is probably 80% of the age range that people are following me.
As you go through life, especially when you’re younger, like I remember being in my twenties thinking I had all these friends, all these people that really cared about me, that I went to school with, that I grew up with. And as the years go by, most of them just kind of fade away, and you start to realize they’re really an acquaintance, or not somebody that really, sincerely, truly cares. And it’s not until you get older that you really see who’s on your team and who’s not.
And so, when you have a connection with somebody like this guy does, it’s not easy to just pull the plug. It’s easy for us sitting here, you know, me reading the email and you guys listening to go, “Oh yeah, kick her to the curb.” It’s easy to do that. But if you’re in the middle of it, if you’re the guy or the girl that’s in this situation, and you have strong feelings for that person, they’re not treating you right, and they won’t treat you right, it still doesn’t feel good when you break it off with them. You still have remorse.
And as the months go by, you start dating and you go out on a few dates, you’re like, “Man, I didn’t even click with that person even remotely close to the girlfriend I just broke up with a few months ago.” And that’s why a lot of people, 60, 90 days after the breakup happens, they’re thinking about going back or they’re regretting their decision. And the reality is, even if you do go back, everything that turns you off about that person, they’re still that way.
So, this is a good email, because there’s a lot of guys that are in these situations with women that they have a lot of good things they like about it, but it’s just the toxicity. It’s like the thing that Bob Marley said, “Everybody is going to hurt you. You’ve just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” That’s something to think about.
I’ve been following your work for a couple years now and have read your book almost 7 times. I know I need to get to 15 times. I recently ended a relationship with this woman I was seeing for the past 8 months. We started dating and we hung out and had fun. I met her when I was out and about running errands, she gave me her number and she came to my apartment a week later. We proceeded to hook up once or twice a week. Many times, she would ask me to get her wine, as I don’t drink alcohol anymore. I’ve been sober for 10 years now.
Well, from that perspective, there is a value difference there. He doesn’t drink, she does. I mean, I’ve had periods of my life where I didn’t drink or do anything for a couple of years. I didn’t eat sugar, I was perfect with my diet. And when you’re used to partying with everybody, and then all of a sudden you stop, and everybody else is still partying around you, your friends, your family is drinking, when you’re the only sober one at a party and people are kind of obnoxious and drunk, you’re like, “This is not fun.”
It’s fun when you’re joining in with them and acting like an idiot, but being this only sober one, it can be a real drag. And especially if you don’t drink and, in this case, his significant other does. It sounds like she comes over and drinks a bunch of wine and passes out. So, you’ve got to look at that from a value perspective.
During our time together, she never brought up us being exclusive. A couple times I brought it up. I know that goes against your coaching, so I backed off.
Just that statement alone tells me that he’s not really following the book. He’s probably just cherry picking a few things here and there. And the reality is, if you’re following what’s in the book to a T, and you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, she’s going to be in love with you by about week six or seven and be bringing up exclusivity, or hinting at it. And if you spend eight months or a year with somebody and you still only see each other once a week, you’re really just kind of friends with benefits.
I mean, if you look at how this started out, it doesn’t sound like he went on an actual date. He was out and about running errands, and a week later she came to his apartment. So, he doesn’t say anything about a date or anything like that. And so, if they meet and she’s got really good rapport with him and she feels safe and comfortable around him, she comes over and hooks up with him, doesn’t really go on a date, it just sounds like the way it started out was just like a friends with benefits kind of thing.
On many occasions, she would be very disrespectful and hang up on me when I would try to express myself with how she was treating me.
Well, you shouldn’t be having serious conversations over the phone. The best conversations, especially serious ones, the best time to have those conversations is when you’re laying naked in each other’s arms after you just had sex. That’s the best time. But trying to do it over the phone or over text, it just turns into a train wreck. Plus, things get misconstrued.
And in this case, having a girl that hangs up on you like that, I had a girlfriend that was like that. She just didn’t communicate. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Click! Then I wouldn’t to hear from her for three or four days, and then she would say, “Hey, how are you, baby? I miss you. You missing me?” and just act like everything was okay. I would say, “Hey, let’s talk about the other day.” She’d say, “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to have fun.”
She gets mad, she gets upset. You don’t really know why she’s mad or upset. She won’t tell you when you ask. Click! That sounds like a lot of fun being in a relationship like that. That’s why that one only lasted six months. That’s just not pleasant. It’s not fun to be in a relationship with somebody that does that all of the time.
She was also a narcissist and would gaslight me on the regular. She flirted with another guy in front of me, and when I checked her on her behavior, she would be dismissive and say, “You’re always angry.”
Yes, that’s what the gaslighter does, is they try to make you question yourself and question your reality, question your your eyes. I mean, he’s not in a committed relationship, but you can tell he’s thinking he’s in a relationship with her, and she’s flirting in front of him with another guy. So, what does that tell you? And the fact that she’s rude to him tells me she doesn’t respect him. And if a girl doesn’t respect you, she’ll never love you. And so, it just kind of sounds like it was really a friends with benefits and she had the power.
And on top of that, he says she’s a narcissist, she’s gaslighting him, hanging up on him. I mean, she’s doing all of these toxic behaviors. That’s not healthy. So, as I say all the time, you want a girl that’s easygoing, easy to get along with, communicates well, really makes an effort to understand where you’re coming from, and vice versa. And somebody that’s just dismissive and hangs up on you, you can’t have a healthy relationship with somebody like that.
She took meds for a condition she had, (Autism & Asperger’s), and she would drink on top of that.
So, that sounds like an interesting cocktail, medication and alcohol.
The last month of the relationship, she became distant and would come by and didn’t want to have sex.
So, that tells me that he’s trying to seduce her and he’s not paying attention. We have to assume you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman, which it looks like this one’s not, but the reality is men who understand the book are not trying to seduce a woman who’s not open to it. And if she’s continually coming over and hanging out, but not wanting to have sex, that tells me that he had no sensory acuity, doesn’t know the book, didn’t have a clue what he was doing. He probably read the book a few times a few years ago, maybe skimmed through it, but he’s not really been a serious student.
And so, on top of the fact it looks like she’s a lunatic, he’s not applying what’s in the book properly anyway. And if he’s with a normal, healthy woman and he’s constantly displaying weakness, she’s going to lose respect and become bitchy. And women become bitchy because you’re acting weak. They’re responding to you. They don’t respect you. And that’s just a fact of life.
She would come over, have a couple of glasses of wine, and fall asleep. When we did have sex, she was not into it, so I would stop immediately.
That just tells me, dude, you’ve got no sensory acuity. You don’t know the book, you don’t know the signs of what to look for. You don’t understand the process of seduction, and you’re obviously not very good at it. And that’s what happens when you do a half-ass job of learning the material. On top of that, you stay with somebody that that seems pretty toxic, and the book’s not going to help you if you do the opposite of it.
She once said that I forced her to have sex. After that, I could not trust her and I did not want a “Me too” situation on my hands.
Yeah, there’s no intimacy. Eight months together, and he’s thinking and feeling this way? There is no intimacy at all between the two of them.
I would often take selfies of us together before and after sex, as verification that she consented.
Again, this guy doesn’t have a clue.
I ended things because she became too erratic and disrespectful. Your thoughts Corey?
Thank you for your time.
Well, I personally wouldn’t put up with that. And the fact that she’s on medication and then drinks on top of that, I mean, most of those medications tell you you shouldn’t drink alcohol when you’re on those things. But she’s got erratic behavior. I mean, she doesn’t seem easygoing, easy to get along with it all. Hanging up on you when you’re trying to communicate something to her? That’s not healthy at all.
So, in this case, you’re dealing with a woman that is a mess. She’s rude, she’s disrespectful. With me, personally, this girl would have never gotten past the first date. I wouldn’t have even gone out with somebody that was behaving this way. This is why you want to talk and vet people before you start going out. But he’s got her coming right over and he’s hooking up with her right away.
On top of that, like I said, the book’s not going to help you if you’re going to do the opposite. Because if you get involved with somebody like this, and then you do the opposite of what the book teaches, and you act like a beta male, I mean, the abuse is just going to be off the charts, which you can see, her with hanging up on him. I mean, she’s coming over and he’s worrying about a “Me Too” type of situation. It’s like, “Yeah. Check, please! I think I’m going to tap out on this one.”
You’ve got to learn the book, man. There’s no shortcuts to success. If you want to attract and keep a good quality woman, you’re half-assed effort at studying the material, it’s not going to help you. It doesn’t really seem like anything has changed with you. Meaning, you claim to have read the book seven times, but when I look at your actions here and the things you’re doing and saying, you sound like a guy that’s cherry picked a bunch of stuff from videos, maybe thumbed through the book once or twice. But trying to seduce a woman and getting rejected like that, it’s like you don’t understand the process, hang out have fun, hook up.
Again, we’re dealing with a woman who obviously has mental health issues, so the book is not going to fix those. Displaying proper masculinity around her is not going to fix that. But if you don’t learn the material and you get around a good, healthy woman, she’s not going to put up with your crap and your lousy game either. She’s going to leave you for the same reason. She’s going to be turned off. She’s not going to want to have sex with you.
Guys that are trying to have sex with girls and they’re getting rejected, they’re not paying attention to the signs. They’re not reading her body language. They don’t understand how to open a woman up. And it’s obvious that none of that was happening here. Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close.
And, like I said, the whole situation is a train wreck. His ultimate thing is, “Should I have ended things?” It’s like, yeah, definitely. I wouldn’t have stayed with somebody like this. But going forward, you’ve got to improve your game, man. You’ve got to learn the information. Otherwise, you’re going to keep attracting lunatics like this. Because if you apply what’s in the book, her behavior would have gone off the rails very early on, and you would have been like, “I’m tapping out,”
Easygoing, easy to get along with, communicates well – if those are missing, she can go on down the road. That’s what I would do if I were you. I wouldn’t give her a second chance. But you’ve got to participate in your own rescue, man. You’ve got to learn the material. Guys that really struggle are the guys that don’t really read and learn the work. I had a phone session last night with a guy that was claiming he’d read the read the book dozens of times. And when he was telling me the things he was doing, I was like, “Man, you’re doing the exact opposite of what the book teaches.” And he was surprised that he wasn’t getting the results.
You know, listening the book 20 times and as background noise, when you’re driving or working out in the gym, you’re not really focused on it, it’s not very effective. Versus what I tell people to do, read a physical or digital copy while you’re listening to the audiobook on 2x-speed. You can get through it in three and a half, 4 hours, and you’re going to learn and retain the material a lot better. But you’ve got some work to do, dude.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
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