Did I Overreact & Jump To Conclusions, Or Was She Cheating?

How to determine if you overreacted & jumped to conclusions or if she was cheating.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about six months. He used what he learned to get his ex back. However, he just dumped her after he noticed she was drifting away and spending time with another guy she claimed was only a friend while being too busy to see him. She also has lots of male orbiters.

He shares texts he sent to her and the guy she was spending time with. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s been following my work for about six months, and it looks like he originally started following me and used what he learned to get his ex back. However, she’s got some issues, like lots of male orbiters.

So he just dumped her after he noticed that she was drifting away because, as he says, he kind of became lazy and complacent and stopped doing things and stopped following the book, took things for granted, stopped dating and courting her properly, stop making her feel heard and understood. So she started drifting away and basically telling him that she was too busy because work was crazy, yet he notices she’s hanging out with some guy who’s just a friend.

So what you notice is that she has lots of male orbiters. She’s hanging out with some other dude, yet telling her supposed boyfriend that she’s got no time because work is crazy, yet she’s on some other dude’s Instagram stories. So what’s interesting is he sends a text, breaking it off with her and then he also, I guess, somehow got the number of the guy she was hanging out with who supposedly is just a friend and sent him a text asking a bunch of questions and basically saying, “Yeah, I just dumped her.” I personally would not behave this way, but he was pretty butt-hurt and pretty upset, but it’s not looking good for her. It just doesn’t look like she’s a good person. What it looks like is he lowered her interest and her level of respect for him, and since she was unhappy and her needs were not being met in her eyes, her attitude was, “Hey, all’s fair in love and war. He’s not doing things right. He hasn’t kept me happy.” So she’s got all these other guys, these male orbiters. She starts hanging out with one of them.

If you’re dating and vetting for character, you want somebody that’s loyal, not a chick that as soon as she gets worried about the relationship, I mean, I wrote about this in the book. I had a girl I was dating, and I was a little cold and a little distant, and she started thinking, “Oh, it’s not going to work out like all the others,” so she starts hanging out with a male orbiter and going for drinks one-on-one at night. “He’s just a friend.” If you’re in an exclusive relationship and your girlfriend is hanging out with some other man that’s been trying to date her for years, but because he was always the beta, he never got anywhere, he was always stuck in friend zone, you don’t want that.

If your girl’s upset with you, you want her to come to you with the problems so you can talk, communicate and work things out. Not her presupposing that it’s going to end and not work out. So she might as well start dating somebody else while you’re together and line that up and once it looks like the new thing is going to work out, then she just rides off into the sunset with the other guy. Or if things get better with you, then she stops hanging out with the other guy and starts spending time with you, but you know, girls that behave this way. If they’re happy and they’re in love, they’re going to be pretty loyal. If they’re not, if you’ve been slacking off, if you got lazy like this guy did, this is what they do. They dick you down pretty hard.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach, 

Been a fan for just under six months, I discovered your work right before getting this same girl I just broke up with back after she dumped me. 

Lot of history here so I’ll keep it brief: We met online on a small forum. We hit it off almost instantly and started dating. We live on opposite coasts of the U.S., and I did all of the flying out to see her at first (Big mistake, I know). Three breakups total, first one I dumped her because I wasn’t sure about long distance. Second one she dumped me because I got jealous of one of her (Many) male orbiters and instead of setting a boundary, lost my shit, then used your work to get her back and things were going steady for a while there.

So he has the additional wrinkle of being long distance. Planes, trains and automobiles.

Last few months, I’ve been getting dopey and lazy.

It’s a bad way to go. “Discipline equals freedom,” as Jocko says, and you weren’t being very disciplined.

She was doing all of the reaching out, but I was way over-validating her to a point that she got super turned off. I only learned about this from one of your videos recently, I was looking at it too transactionally (Not paying attention to the content of the messages, just who reaches out first, etc.)

Well, that’s what happens when you cherry-pick and you don’t take reading the book 10 to 15 times seriously. You can come off as a robot.

The last two weeks she’s barely been talking to me, “I’ve been too busy with work,” etc. That kind of B.S. Then today I saw her on the Instagram story of someone we both know out to get lunch. She claims he’s just a friend, but I can put two and two together. 

She’s been drifting towards him and away from me, and I snapped. 

I sent her the following text:

“I’m breaking up with you.

I can tell you’ve been drifting for a while, I just wish you have had the heart to tell me without slowly ghosting and making me be the bad guy and doing it.

I wish you’d have been honest, but unfortunately I can see where your priorities lie and I have to respect myself.

If you respect me even the tiniest amount, you won’t reach out to me again unless you’re ready to actually put effort into a real relationship with me.

Good bye.”

Probably wouldn’t have said that. I mean, if she’s telling you she’s too busy to see you, to talk to you or hang out with you, yet she’s hanging out, going to lunch and hanging out with some other dude and posting Instagram stories, I guess it was his Instagram story, that tells me he really likes her. So when she’s not happy and she’s lost attraction and respect, she just goes and hangs out with another guy that’s trying to get into her pants.

I also sent the following text to the guy that she’s out with that we both know:

I personally wouldn’t have done that, but what’s done is done and it makes for an interesting email.

“Hey man, we don’t talk but I’ve been Jessica’s boyfriend for the last year, but I ended it as of like 10 minutes ago. I don’t know what your guys’ relationship is, but she’s been giving me the cold shoulder while you guys have been hanging out a lot recently. Take care of her if that’s what you both want.

[5:39 p.m.] “I don’t know if she told you (Or anyone, really) about our relationship, so let it be known that we were together since March last year. I ain’t mad at you or anything, that’s just life.”

This happened maybe 20 minutes ago, so it stings like a motherfucker.

So like, this is a long text.

I just want to know:

1) According to your work, how did I handle this breakup?

It’s kind of a train wreck. I wouldn’t have said what I said to her, but I mean, it’s pretty obvious if you’re seeing Instagram stories of your supposed girlfriend out with this other guy and he’s posting them, that’s his way of saying, “Oh, look who I was hanging out with.” I mean, you’re long distance. She’s clearly given other dudes attention and not you. She’s not making herself available. It’s one sided. You were always flying to see her. It’s just a bad way to go.

2) Since I was the one that ended it, but it was her slow fade that let me put two and two together, does the no-contact rule from How To Get An Ex Back apply here?

Well, she’s cheating on you. That’s what it looks like. Maybe she slept with them or not, but when she’s hanging out with this guy all the time but she won’t make time for you, well it looks like she’s dating him and you’re kind of like in backup position. Plus, you’re long distance. I assume he’s in her city and you’re on the other side of the country, so you don’t really have any leverage.

3) How can I tighten up my game for next time?

Thanks Coach, you’re doing God’s work here.

Bob

Gotta read the book. I wouldn’t be sending these kinds of messages to her or him, but I mean, at the end of the day, you saw what she’s really all about.

Remember, I say this often, people typically don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of it, but they typically don’t change. So one of the reasons why you broke up with her in the beginning is because of all the male orbiters and the reason why you broke up with her a second time after her dumping you was the same thing. She’s hanging out with the male orbiters and and has no time for you. So this is what happens.

Again, this is part of the vetting process. What happens when you’re fucking up? What happens when you get lazy and complacent, like you said, and you don’t date and court her properly, or as you put it, you acted dopey? Meaning you were all up in your feelings and your emotions and acting unattractive. Since her attraction level for you dropped and her respect for you dropped, look how she treated you. She just started hanging out with other men to see if she felt more attracted to one of those guys, while she lets you think that you’re still in a relationship with her. She’s going out with other men behind your back. That’s just how some women are. That’s typically because that’s what’s modeled for them at home. “Hey, if your guy is not treating you right, just go date somebody else. If he doesn’t get his shit together, well then you can become serious with that other guy.”

I mean, over the course of the year duration, especially since you’ve been together with somebody for a couple of years, and this is how they behave? They’re not happy with you, so they just start dating somebody else and spending time with them behind your back? That’s not OK. Once a cheater, always a cheater. So she’s loyal as long as she’s happy. If she’s not happy or you’re doing too many unattractive things, well she’ll just go date and more than likely fuck somebody else. You can’t fix that. So she wasn’t loyal to you the first time around, and it’s pretty clear she wasn’t loyal to you the third time around. You’re not going to fix that. That’s what she’s learned. Now she’s an adult and this is how she behaves. She doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy and exclusivity. She’s selfish, kind of narcissistic and doesn’t really give a shit. If she’s unhappy, she’ll just go date and fuck somebody else behind your back and not feel any remorse because hey, you weren’t meeting her needs.

A good, loyal woman who was raised right is going to communicate with you, complain and give you an opportunity to fix things. She’s not going to go start hanging out with the dude from work or one of her 20 male orbiters. A good woman’s not going to have 20 male orbiters. She might have two or three that have always been trying to date her, but when she’s dating, she’s like, “Hey, I got a boyfriend. This is inappropriate,” and they’ll respect the boundary. A girl like this is just constantly giving out her phone number, if she’s pissed off at you, she gives out her phone number, if she’s upset with you, she goes out for drinks with another guy. This is how some women are because again, their attitude is, “Hey well you know, all’s fair in love and war. You weren’t treating me right. I wasn’t sure about you.” Again, this girl wouldn’t even make time to see you or talk to you because she’s spending time with this other guy. So that’s not a loyal woman. That’s not something that’s fixable. That’s a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. Wear a raincoat, but not a girlfriend, not a wife because again, this is how they behave when you’re slacking off. I talk about this often, but this is what happens.

A good woman, if she’s not happy and she complains about it for a while and you don’t do anything, you don’t take any corrective action, eventually she will leave. A ratchet, a chick that belongs to the streets, will just go and date and fuck somebody else and feel no remorse because her attitude is, “Hey, my needs weren’t getting met and you weren’t treating me properly, so you deserved it,” and she’ll let you think that you’re still exclusive. Meanwhile, she’s giving out her number and going on dates and hanging out with other guys, and then you’re having to see it on social media that she’s appearing in other dudes’ stories, basically on dates with them. That’s not good.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.